Paradox.

Throw everything away again, and I did this as something I'll called as a last-ditch effort. Probably.

In the end there's no winner. But there's a definite loser.

How I wish everything was different. I mean, I'm not me, you are someone else, and maybe we will meet somewhere in between the timeline. Maybe it will be a different conclusion, but everything I'm doing right now, is for everybody's sake.

I'm this kind of person. Never gonna like it, will hate it forever, possibly regreting it half-way, but I have to learn, to accept it.

vous ne serez pas admettre la vérité

whatever i said must be hurtful. maybe the way i tell it, the way i wanted you to know, is a bit harsh.

well in the end, i'm still right. until you prove me wrong.

and you know what? the fact that i'm right, is what's hurts me.

the 'jack of all trade'

i think it's become one of my habit now. i feel like i want to learn EVERYTHING. i don't want to miss a single thing. i get excited on every single thing. but perhaps i should aproach everything with an even more cautios steps.

i remembered; i read a mag, or newspaper, or somewhere; i forgot to be honest, but it's something about yourself quiz kind of thing.. it describes me as;

"Many talents but neither given enough time to shows up"

Or something. At first I don't givafuck about it but.. Now, it seems true. :|

Besides, The Jack of All Trade is a Master of None.

berlari-lari.

entah berapa round dah aku pusing ni. dari jalan 3/7, ke jalan 3/8, ke jalan 3/9, kemudian ke jalan 3/8 balik, dan ke 3/7, sambung ke 3/8 dan seterusnya. aku tak sedar sampai bila aku sudah mula pendek nafas.

entah lah. aku lah harapan, aku lah pemusnah harapan. kenapa aku? kenapa bukan abang aku?

kalau aku, kenapa apa sahaja yang aku buat, aku salah?

setiap perkataan yang dilemparkan kepada aku, macam papercut. tak nampak, tapi pedih, tiap kali disentuh.

macam pita, setiap perkataan diulang-ulang.

fikir aku lepas aku dapat penganugerahan paling rendah seorang anak boleh dapat, aku akan lebih kebal dari semua perkataan yang bakal menyilukan aku. memang meleset habis lah.


dan dengan setiap langkauan aku berlari, aku mulai sedar sudah hampir larut malam, aku patut balik, berehat. mengambil jalan pintas untuk ke jalan rumah aku, suasana gelap lorong sebelah rumah terbiar tu buat aku rasa gentar sekejap. hitam, legam.

aku capai telefon bimbit, lalu cuba menyuluh jalan, tapi tak berguna;

kerana bulan yang menerangi belakang aku lagi cerah. cuma aku tak sedar.

lights.

as i said before, i don't know what i'll be doing. to cut the long story short, last night when I was away at wangsa maju playing dota, i snapped and decided to abandon my friend and left the cc. and went for a walk around kl before heading home at 8.

my honest advice for any of the readers, if you want to rob a lonely person wandering in the middle of night, please at least bring a fucking knife or bring your buddies too. else u might pick up the wrong guy to rob.

well at least i got to rob that guy. oh if you guys think i'm fucked up for counter-robbing someone else, feel free to think like that. it's not like that fella have a hundred bucks inside his wallet, and maybe that 40 bucks was from robbing other poor dudes out there. and consider it as a medicine fee. it's not like he just drop dead there and i picked up his wallet, no. i throw some punches and kicks and get some kicks and punches, or maybe some slaps as well.

i call this self defense. he slap me first because i was rude in answering him. i mean, dia tanya aku mane wallet, aku tanya penting ke? dia cakap dia nak duit aku tanya apesal, kalau kau nak sangat cuba kau jawab. i was going to give him anyway to be honest. but that bitch bitchslapped me, and you can't do that to an emotionally unstable dude.

if i was sober, maybe i'll give him all my belongings. but i don't realise when did i pounced on him and punched him like punching a punching bag. after he stopped moving i took his wallet and take out all of his money. well at least i left his iphone, and his ic, his driving license.

well maybe he's drunk. but fuck it, i'm pissed. thank you for punching, kicking and slapping me. at least i can let go some of my steam.

went home at 10am. at least i went back home. got lectured until 12pm. lucky my parents don't know what happened. well it's not like they'll understand what happened tho. if i can't go out anymore i don't mind really, it's my fault, but at least i know, that they don't know what is happening to me. and i know just how much their expectation on me. to fucking be a leader and all that stuff. no. it's not for me. it's for my brother. i hate it when you just go around and pass throw that fucking baton to me. i know how clueless they are when handling me, and how much they're desperate to stop me from doing this kind of shits. but yeah, i wont do this again, i know. but you know, you can't stop things by forcing them to stop. they don't even know why i'm doing this, how they're gonna stop me doing this again?

"hari yang paling meremokkan hati mama" ni bukanlah hari aizat pegi rogol anak dara orang, pergi rempit, pergi rompak bank mama. hari aizat pergi keluaq rumah sorang-sorang dan balik rumah. hari paling meremokkan hati mama? then aizat mintak maaf banyak-banyak.

aizat tau aizat bukan anak mama yang baik. aizat takleh ganti tempat abang. biaq la abang lead this family, he still my older brother, the eldest male son. not me. i don't want any of this. i just want to live a normal, quiet life with a decent job and that's about it. i don't want to inherit this or that, i just want to, live happily.

yes, i know, it wont happen.

"Lights…

On who you must find,

I’ll remember you

Pride…

You’ve lost this fight,

This soulless revolution in my head

You’ve witnessed all

It’s only evolution, I forgot

Lights…

On what we’ve done,

I’ll remember you

Lights…

On those who tried,

I’ll remember to remember

Alive...

I’m alive,

Love is who you are

.. ..

So cry if you wanted to cry tonight,

Your souls are losing hours

So cry if you wanted to cry,

Surprised that you’ve wasted your life"

november rain

well i guess the storms washed out my luck like water inside a drain on a rainy day.

i mistakenly punched the wrong copy of the summons letter i'm doing rite now, and it's kinda at the last phase before the summons are sent at the appropriate court, and thus i have to do it all over again, which is HARD WORK, and well, i failed twice. in succession. sigh.

during lunch i rushed to kl central to buy a train ticket. never informed my mom (was driving her Merc) and i start to feel 'unlucky'. yep, that kind of feeling i always mention about.

and then, the sky started to break, the cloud was grumbling, and the rain started to fall, heavily.

i stopped my car at the klia express drop-off point. saw a van got clammed, so i guess the police went away. park my car, rushed toward the counter ticket which was like, on the other side, only to find out you have to wait for the number thing. so i take a number, which is 426, and as the current number is like, 405, and i started to feel wrong, stronger this time, i rushed towards my car.

and when i get there, the police just finished clamping that merc.

"Adik lambat 10 saat je dik, kalau tak kitorang boleh je bukak. Ni abang dah tulis dalam resit ape ni.. takleh buat ape la dik.."

So I have to pay the fine at a police station inside kl central. and that freaking place is like, beside the ticketing counter? i was cursing my luck and myself allll the way there.

tried my luck again, manatau the police inside there can help me. and i lied about i parked inside kl central before but just as i went outside the parking lot, i had a stomach ache or something but yeah;

"Adik, abang kesian dekat adik, tapi nak buat macam mana, ni procedure dekat sentral, abang punya kereta pun pernah kena"

i was like damn.

but i proceed to the ticketing counter and only to find out, the number went from 405 to 410 in like, half an hour? i was like wtf wtf because i had to go back at my office before 2 for obvious reason, and, i can't stand waiting. it's torturing.

then an indian woman came and ask how to press the number machine so i pressed for her, and continue my waiting.

about 5 mins later a chinese woman in front of me asked the counter in a rather loud voice whether she should queue (apparently there's people lining in front of the counter while the numbering system seems not working) and the malay girl inside the counter replied with a louder voice "Pukul 2 beratur" and i was like wtf apa benda pukul 2 beratur?

and then only WE know that people going to board the train at 2 can "cut queue & the lengthy wait" by queing in front of the counter. there's nobody, inside the area, other than 2 staff, and those 2 people are handling the ticket counter. nice right?

so the chinese woman earlier get in the line, and, she gave her number at the indian woman whom i help earlier. do notice that she arrived later than me, plus i helped her get her number, and then, she's the next person in the waiting list (#415).

i was on the verge on giving up until i think god show me a little bit of His mercy and power, i saw a #419 ticket number, while it's only a wee bit different than my #426 but still, every seconds count, and i managed to buy the ticket.

oh i forgot one thing. after punching (no pun intended) the punch-card, i, like every goverment servant, went down for a breakfast, with the only different was i went loitering around with my mom's car, of course, without her consent. and after 8.00 i'll go back to my workplace, and start my work. now there's a reason why i chose to go to my 16th floor, is because the 3 out of 6 are breakdown, and the building i work have at least 700 workers, so, sharing 3 lifts with them is a bit unwise no? i chose to take the lift at 8.15, where people on the 8 am shift already went up but when i get there, the lobby was flooded with people, and to my amaze, the forth lift trapped some 15 people inside.

so climbing 16th floor up? not really a good way to start your work. nevertheless i manage to hastily arrived at my floor safely.

so today is no good. same goes for yesterday, and the day before that.

and i think all the wayyy after this, too. sigh. nevermind.

lessthanamini , morethanakancil

colleague #1 : saiful, you datang sini naik motor eh?
aku : nah, i'm driving. why?
colleague #1 : wahh. what car?
aku : kancil.
colleague #1 : tipu lah! anak pengarah mana ada pakai kancil
aku : betul lah.. what is the benefit if i lie to you about my car?
colleague #1 : eh tak cayalah.. tak standard ah bawak kereta macam tu
aku : ....


colleague #2 : bhai hujan lagi lah camni
aku : tau takpe. leceh ah hujan
colleague #2 : ah kau takpe ah naik kereta
aku : leceh kot, jem lagi.. cam harom.
colleague #2 : ah takpe ah kau bawak kereta besau boleh ah
aku : besa mende nye kancil je kot
colleague #2 : kancil?
aku : ha'ah.. dah dkat 15 tahun ade dengan aku..
colleague #2 : ah.. kerete tu kau patut ganti je..
aku : ....

colleague #3 : saiful awak parking dekat mana?
aku : park dekat bumbung depan block 9. kenapa?
colleague #3 : bumbung? tempat parking pengarah tu?
aku : hah yelah kak.. saya tak tau.. mama suruh park je situ, kalau tak mane lagi an nak park? semua macam full je
colleague #3 : laa, awak bukan bawak kancil jeke?
aku : ...


either way I'm happy to tell you I might be using that kancil until at least 2015.
yep. until her 20th birthday.

what's with the title? oh, papa nak jual MINI. so. yeah. and it's rhyme. and it's actually stuck inside my head.

ssupp.

nazar

"why always me?"

Dah lama aku tak buat nazar. last time aku buat aku nazar botak rambut. taun ni (or to be more accurate, taun depan) aku nak buat nazar. Manchester United menang league nanti, aku nak beli jersey home, kat belakang instead nama player, aku nak taruk "Why always us 20".

I'm fucking seriyes. Do remind me if somehow I forget about it or I have amnesia.

don't ever go against your guts, your instinct.

i think it's going to be the same thing over and over again. i know it'll turn out to be bad, or this case, ripped my heart out, but to be honest, i think i'll continue to do the same.

i always goes against my heart, my guts, my instinct. i don't want to believe it. i hate to believe em. but the more i wanted to go against it, the more i learnt the lesson the hard way.

but i'll never learned. i'll continue to make this shit, over and over again. and i'll not be surprised if it'll take away my life.

kau patut buat tak tahu

harini dah sabtu. besok dah ahad. sigh.

setiap hari masa berlalu perlahan. setiap hari apa je yang aku nampak dari tingkap tu? benda yang sama. setiap hari aku termenung skrin komputer. setiap hari aku terbaring atas karpet.

menghitung detik.

jadi harini sabtu. besok dah ahad.

tapi ape aku buat? i mean, apa aku BOLEH buat? nothing. daripada cuba memahami kau ibarat cuba menambah garam dalam luka. aku NAK keluar. aku NAK buat apa sahaja.

tak ke faham yang aku DAH REJECT even BENDA yang aku dapat FREE? boleh brain tak?

dan kau patut biarkan aku sahaja, dari acah-acah. buat apa muncul untuk 5 saat? baik aku lenyapkan diri aku sudah.

kau patut buat tak tahu. kau patut biar aku terus alang-alang.

fikir aku kau dah berubah, rupanya sama sahaja. aku yang patut ubah aku.

kapal terbang

Malam tu hujan lagi. Abang aku dah kembali melelapkan mata atas katil dia. Aku, buat keputusan macam biasa lah. Ke bawah, ke tepi rumah.

Gelap. Sunyi. Kacau-bilau. Ribut.

Aku nyalakan lilin dalam pelita itu.

Diam yang membunuh. Perlahan aku tersandar, dan memori kembali berputar. Ah, at least aku tak payah deal dengan realiti yang sentiasa menguji kesabaran aku. Yang sentiasa perit aku telan.

Kena jugaklah telan.

Sekilas, demi sekilas, seolah-olah slideshow. Dalam baju merah panjang tu, aku, bergenang, terlelap.

lagi, lagi, dan lagi.

hujan lagi. aku tak boleh la macam ni. kenapa aku affected sangat dengan hujan?
hujan hujan hujan.
aku nak jadi macam orang lain yang boleh tidoq macam xdak apa waktu hujan.
yang menunggu hujan.




tiap kali hujan, aku sebahagian sedar, sebahagian berhalusinasi, sebahagian terjerit-jerit.
menyedihkan.

For every piece to fall in place, forever gone without a trace.

buat aku dengar banyak-banyak kali. best, at least for me

sama

dia meniarap, lalu membuka mata, dan ternampak sesuatu di kaca yang bercahaya tu.

kelam kabut, dia menutup.

oh.

fikir aku kau berubah; sama sahaja.

work!

Seperti yang korang nampak, dalam banyak-banyak case tu, ada 4 case yang aku dah confirm siap. 1 lagi takde dalam gamba. Dan seperti yang korang nampak, surat ni perlukan signature aku. Iyem proud.

p/s; ni dekat Unit Undang-Undang. Sebelum ni aku dekat Unit Operasi dan Lawatan dan Unit Tunggakan Hasil. So far aku tak regret satu pun tempat kerja yang aku pergi.

tunggulah sampai hujan tedoh.

Update. Tadi kerja. Overtime. Walaupun bukan dapat duit, tapi kalau kumpul 9 jam leh tebus satu hari kerja, satu hari cuti bergaji. FYI cuti bergaji aku cuma 3 hari sampai bulan 12. Sehari aku dah guna untuk raya. So yeah.

It turns out yang aku takleh claim untuk hari ni. Tak cukup 9 jam. Bos cakap kalau kerja 9 jam pun, 1 jam akan dipotong, sbb lunch. Lagi cam fak, 8 jam tu, tak leh cukup kan dengan OT biasa. Kena OT time cuti jugak. Bodoh apa nak kerja lagi sejam tu?



Tapi, hari ni langit cerah. Clear. Dari tingkat 16 tu, aku boleh nampak rumah atas bukit dekat Taman Rimba Templer Rawang. Awan pulak, aku boleh nampak seketul seketul, clear punya. Tak macam selalu. Angin.. jangan cerita lah. Dekat bawah pun tahap chill dia time 11 pagi macam dekat Bukit Tinggi. Dekat atas, peh.


So anyway.


Untuk aku update pasal aku, aku truthfully, malas. Same old story. So how faktap dah cerita aku minggu ni;

Aku dapat tiket free seating BAEK punya dekat Dewan Philharmonik untuk ntah sape punya performance. Janji datang je bak kata pemberi.

Tak dappp.

Aku dapat tiket + backstage pass untuk Rockaway, si boyfriend clash. Janji datang.

Tak dapppp.

Last skali aku masukkan lam shredder time OT tadi. True story. Puan Zainon a.k.a tuan punya shredder a.k.a bos yang tak bagi OT lebih tu dah geleng-geleng kepala.

Pelis lah understen. Aku nak pegi. Aku yang beria nak pegi, skali aku yang tak pegi? Tolonglah. Aku boleh gerenti, aku lah lelaki yang paling (kalau tak, antara) susah tak jadi pergi.

Tapi. Hujan lebat semalam takleh celen hujan aku. True story.

Sebab, jangan tanya. Aku tak nak ingat. Aku harap minggu depan walaupun dah takde tiket free, aku punya nasib berubah. Tolonglah. Aku dah tak tau berapa kali aku post macam ni, tapi tu lah. Hmh.

/patpat

nasik sudah jadik buboq.

buboq. antara makanan yang paling aku tak minat. well, 'cept for bubuk lambuk. tu lain cite. juadah penting tatkala menempoh ramadhan.

aku paling anti bubur. tak sedap. lembek. melekit. cayaq. slimy. pekat. atau apa-apa lagi yang boleh describe buboq.


but lately, bibik buat aku suka bubuq. tch. aku pelik, aku tgk gak dia buat apa dengan buboq tu. nak kata taruk garam banyak, tak jugak. tapi, sedap.

dan dinner aku, lunch aku 2-3 hari ni buboq ja. hehehe. preparation i guess. lepaih ni kalau kena makan buboq buleh la terima dengan hati serta tangan yang terbukak. x)

work-a-holic.

today was a bit fucked up. i kenot lepak at the pantry for the whole day, and to makes thing worse, i passed out in front of the punch card machine thingy. once i wake up they were kinda a big buzz about it, and although i insist everything was exaggerated a bit too much,  they were sooo keen on telling my mum. i begged and begged, i don't know how long since i begged this hard.

so anyway, the things to ponder is, either is my body is exhausted, lack fitness etc or i handled too much stress. I don't believe in the second, as much as I don't believe in the first one. So I decided to test my body to the max this late evening, and I managed to cover a distance of about 2-3kms non stop jogging, which is a bit fair considering I stop running consistently like, YEARS ago? though my body is feeling like tearing apart; the same feeling that you'll get if you not sleeping for like 2-3 days or so, but I think, it's not my body that's failing me.

so that, maybe explain why I become something that I never imagined I'll become, a workaholic. My colleague; those 3 units I've been so far, always tell me to take things slowly, don't over-worked, but I think I can do better, besides,

I can't do nothing. If I just sit around, takes thing slowly, first, I'll become lazier and tired by passing seconds, most probably because lack of sleep I guess, and secondly I started to think things. Or remember things.

Immersing myself into work.. is something I cannot brain myself, let alone my friends.

But, it's a simple thing; Do that complicated, tricky, technical works, try to complete it, and you don't have time to think about other stuff.

Exactly what I needed. So how?

terlepas.

aku senyum.
dia senyum.
dia ikhlas.
aku paksa.
dia kuatkan diri.
aku paksakan diri.
dan akhirnya dia tersungkur.
tetapi
masih senyum.
aku?
masih paksa.


sampai sekarang.
.kebelakang.




post terakhir aku macam ni. tak boleh aku post macam ni. awkward. jadi,

insomnia?

“so sleepy, it's too bright please turn out your light”

A whole world waits for you when you turn out the lights. In our dreams, lie childish figures, random shapes and half remembered memories. Each one is different yet somehow the same. Dim your lights to enter Ana's dreamworld.

www.anasomnia.com

remember to wait for the loading. it was worth my 30 minutes of waiting.

you are not alone dear loneliness.

Pukul 3.05. Aku termanggu-manggu.
Baru di tempat baru.
Kerja apa pun aku tak tau.
Jujur cakap,
Aku agree untuk pindah ke unit undang-undang ialah;

Ianya di tingkat 16.
Lagi tinggi dari unit asal aku, unit Tunggakan Hasil;
sub unit Operasi dan Lawatan.
Tingkat 14.

Cuba kau bayangkan.
Di tingkat 14, hembusan angin tika aku buka tingkap,
cukup untuk membuat aku berfikir dan berfikir,
dan berfikir,
dan tersenyum,
bagaimana di tingkat 16?
Boleh?

Boleh bayangkan?

3.15.
Aku melangkah ke pantry sebaik sahaja nampak pegawai-pegawai keluar.
Dalam tempat aku kerja ni, panas.
Entah kenapa aku tak tau.
Tak penting.
Aku tutup pintu, menghadap ke arah tingkap-tingkap.
Bilik ni,
menghala ke arah Mahkamah Jalan Duta.
Besar kubah.
Entah apa fungsi aku tak tau.
Bagi lawa. Biasalah manusia, tertarik dgn yang lawa.
Bagi aku perangai yang membezakan manusia lawa dengan tak.
Oh ya.

Ada pegawai sambilan yang hot.
Maksud aku, dia tak lawa pun,
tapi dia hot. Attitude dia.

Sambung.

Aku tolak tingkap tu.
Tak bergerak.
Apesal?
Tolak lagi.
Tekan lagi.
Tolak sampai urat leher tegang.
Baru terperasan;
oh, tak bukak selak.
Sebaik saja berjaya tolak tingkap tu,
hembusan angin menderu; menolak muka aku,
menampar nampar.
menarik narik
..membelai belai.

menggoda.

Aku, hanya mampu memberi senyuman,
macam biasa lah.
Tapi,
kali ni, ikhlas.
Sebab tak tergambar.

Lalu aku perasan ada tangga.
Kecemasan.
Dan tangga tu, hanya dinding setinggi pinggang.
Tak ada penghalang.

Aku tersenyum,
LEBAR.

Okay, sila berhenti baca wahai orang yang takkan faham.
Tolonglah.
Aku taktau mana lagi nak luahkan perasaan ni.
Tolonglah.
Jangan judge aku.
Jangan judge aku, kalau kau tak memahami.
Sebab aku tak tau macam mana nak luahkan
Sebab perasaan ni,
Aku tak reti gambarkan.

Aku ternampak, ada si kelabu, bersinar.
Sedang bertenggek di tepi tingkap aku.
Bermata merah, berkaki merah,
Berbulukan teal, biru dan kelabu.
Membuatkan dia sangat ironi kepada abangnya, simbol kedamaian;
si Puteh.

si dia, bertenggek orang-sorang.
melihat aku, melihat hadapan, melihat ke bawah.
kemudian dia meloncat ke tangga,
melangkau ketinggian 16 tingkat tu.
dan terus memandang ke kiri, ke kanan
atas, bawah.

Cari apa?

Kau, ada sayap.
Kau boleh terbang. Kau
Boleh rasa angin, boleh nampak semua dari atas
Boleh terbang.

Kenapa kau bertenggek dekat situ?
Kenapa kau tak cari teman-teman kau?

Dan aku terbayang.
Terbayang, apa perasaan si dia.
Menenung si orang yang di tingkap,
berada di tepian, berada di penghujung,
di ketinggian 150+ kaki.
Merenung ke bawah, melihat semua kecil sahaja.
Membayangkan diri terbang,
Membayangkan merasa ditolak angin, di tarik graviti,
Kesejukan, kedinginan,
Kechuakan. Kekecutan perut.

Sempatkah aku merasa angin?

Pintu bilik itu dikuak,
Dan lamunan aku mati.

dear macy

sesungguhnya, aku menyusun sepuluh jari, memohon maaf.
sesungguhnya aku manusia hina yang hanya membuat salah sentiasa.
sesungguhnya, kau telah salah faham.

bukan niat aku menghakimi kau.
tapi kalau kau rasa begitu,
maka aku lah yang salah.
jadi terima kasih kerana menegur aku.
sangat, sangat, sangat, sangat terima kasih.
sangat, sangat, sangat, mintak maaf.

maaf lagi sekali jika entri ini sangat lambat
sebab aku menanti penjelasan kau, kenapa kau rasa aku buat macam tu.
bila kau mendiamkan diri,
fahamlah
aku tersalah pilih kata.

seperti yang aku telah cakapkan dalam komen aku tu,
aku sendiri tak tau samada itu jalan yang betul,
sbb itu cara aku.
kalau salah, maaflah, bukan niat aku menghakimi kau.

jadi aku mintak maaf lagi, sangat-sangat.
sementara sempat.

anyway. bagi mereka yang baca post ni, ketahuilah bahawa dengan menegur aku, kalau betul aku salah, aku akan mintak maaf. aku takkan makan korang. jadi tegurlah aku. jangan bawa dalam hati. nanti bawa ke belakang aku dan mula menyebarkan, kan ke dah panjang cerita. biarlah aku perjelaskan, kalau tak memadai, aku mintak maaf.

sekian.

come on.

Kereta blue-black Compressor tu ke kiri. Ke kiri lagi. Kemudian ke kanan. Ke kiri lagi. Sesekali si pemandu mengerling ke arah penumpang sebelah kiri. Muka penumpang gelisah. Marah?

Takpe, aku tone down sikit.

Kereta itu kemudian mengekor rapat kereta Camry putih itu. Pemandunya ke kanan sedikit, supaya pemandu Camry itu nampak ada kereta ikut rapat, sedar dan ada sense of urgency.

Tapi biasalah, orang Malaysia. Tak mengenal usia, kaum, bangsa, bahasa serta agama. Kebanyakkannya ignorant.

Si pemandu mendengus. Si penumpang makin tak senang duduk.

*****

Keluar sahaja dari Smart-Tag, si penumpang mulakan bicara.

"Aizat ni kenapa? Marah dekat mama ka?"

"Mana ada lah mama.."

"Habis dah bawak macam tu, kiri kanan cucuk cucuk kereta orang paseipa?"

"Takdak apa la mama.."

"Mama kenal anak mama, mama tau la! Mama tau anak mama memberontak dekat mama macam mana" Aku tersentak. Betul?

Betul? Yakin?
"Badan Aizat tak sedap. Asyik muntah. Lengah. Rasa macam nak pitam. Lepas tu Aizat stress mama. Tension. Kerja lagi. Apa lagi. Dengan semua pemandu macam ni dekat highway, dekat jalan biasa lagi, Smart-Tag lane rosak lagi,"

"Dah berapa hari Aizat macam ni, sebelum pi Skudai lagi."

Diam.

Sunyi.

Sepi.

Kenapa? Kenapa diam? Dah tau sangat kan? Faham kan? Apa yang boleh buat?

Macam semua orang. Perhatikan sahaja. Best tengok.

*****

Selepas kunci ditarik, seat automatic ke belakang, stering diadjust kepada default, aku melangkah terus ke arah Kancil. Senyum. Harapan aku menggunung.

Deruman dia mengingatkan aku keperitan hidup. Hidup tak pernah senang. Penuh dengan sengketa. Manusia tak pernah nak tolong orang lain. Memaafkan. Cuba memaafkan. Cuba tolong orang faham apa salah silap orang itu.

Cuba faham orang lain.

Aku tak salahkan sapa sapa. Aku tau, masalah dia aku. Memang aku all along. Sapa ja boleh faham aku? Aku tak salahkan Mama. Papa pun. Sebab aku, memang macam ni.

Aku salahkan diri aku. Jadi aku tanggung jelah akibat.

Aku tau ini semua akan terjadi. Jadi macam biasa, kunci kereta Kancil kena sentiasa stand-by. (:

tunggu sekejap.

bila kau dihidupkan, harapan aku tinggi menggunung. melangit.
bila aku memacu engkau, deruan kau ku dengar ibarat lolongan.
pekikan.
tangisan.
bila aku menyerang setiap lekok itu, badan mu meronta, ke kiri ke kanan.
bila aku memaksa kau perlahan, kepala kau mengeleng, seolah ingin terus,
melontarkan perasaan,
amarah,
sedih.
pilu.

aku terkesan.
kau kini lebih tulus, lebih telus mengeluarkan emosi kau.
aku?

macam biasa. ke laut.

bila suara kau terpekik, terlolong,
aku hampir menitiskan air mata.
cuma, emosi aku,

macam biasa. ke laut.

jiwa kau mungkin berbeza.
tapi, engkau masih engkau.
engkau lah tempat aku melarikan diri dari setiap terkaman kejam semua orang.

engkau sajalah yang aku ada, yang aku mampu pergi.

jadi, tunggu sekejap.

how does it feels?

i was wandering in the rain,
mask of life, feeling insane.
swift and sudden fall from grace,
sunny days seems far away.

kremlin's shadow belittling me,
stalin's tomb won't let me be.
on and on and on it came,
wish the rain would just let me be.

how does it feels?

when you're alone, and cold inside?
like a stranger in moscow.

p/s i think this might be how i'd define me to myself. tho i'd introduce myself as me that i'm supposed to be to everyone else. not anyone.

not even anyone.

i'm going where the cold wind blows.

oh, the guilt

She seems to think
She seems too weak
She takes a week to get over it

She likes the sea
She likes to see
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the sound
She likes the sand
She likes to stand, she can't afford to sit

She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to be
She's into guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

She likes to think
she likes to drink
She seems too weak, she takes all the rent

She likes the time
she owns the time
She borrows time she has to self-invent

She seems too weak
she likes to see
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the sand
she likes to stand
She likes to sit
she likes to guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

(Guitar solo)

She seems to think
She seems to breath
She takes a week to get over it

She likes to see
She likes the sea
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the Sand
She likes the Sand
She likes to stand she cant afford to sit

She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

p/s; best ada banyak muka ni.

losing

aih sad sad! baru pikiaq kancil aku dah revive balik, dia dah kembali ke bengkel. sedih, gila. wa tak tipu.

baru wa ingat nak mengadu domba time otw pi johor nt.

sebut pasal johor, ade ke convo hari isnin? tak pepasal bapak aku tak pegi sebab dah ada appointment dgn PM. bila papa tak pi, mama pun tak pi lah. bila convo ari bekerja, satu keluarga aku tak mai. terbaik an?

convocation aku punya gambaq, gambaq aku sorang. takpun dengan member-member aku.

FOREVER ALONE GUY REPORTING IN! (u_u)>

p/s : angin bertiup kencang dekat tingkat 14, memang buat aku tergoda. x)

strike 3, batter out!

it's 3. and i still can't sleep. and tomorrow is monday. i mean, today. such a cold night. last night was awesome. i think today's gonna be great too, cept with the fact that i have to get ready at 6. sigh. 

oh and a cute ahmoy confessed at me today! lol. she sed she still had crushed on me from standard six. ahhh good ol days. days where boys always wanted to please her while me, like always, the anarchy. lol. well idk what makes her had this crush, and that crush can go hold on for that long too. well tho, she has a boyfriend too. it made it look so awkward. nvm. she's in leeds pun btw. no point nak think about it punn. eh i should've said that she has a boyfriend so i shouldn't think about it kan? terbalik? LOL.

anyway, pegi la mamps dia jap, i just wanna say that i'm excited about my edith! she's coming back in a week! lama lagi but i'm already sexcited. eventho baru 3 hari she's gone, i feel like it's almost 3 years. so long mang. 

ahh i shud go to sleep. still in raya mood too. sigh. 

night with 'glow in the darks'

is it just me or there seems to be A LOT of blog using food names now? deng, should i change my belog name already? or my email? sigh.

Hey Love

Aku baru dapat berita gembira tadi. Okay, maybe aku tak leh nak tunjuk betapa sexcited nya aku sekarang ni sbb, well, in any way korang baca pun all you guys can see is a wall of words.

oh well.

saya akan ke johor. skudai. ye, untuk graduasi. aku akan berada di sana pada 22hb, untuk mengambil jubah. jadi i was thinking whether i'll be going on 21st evening/night or, 22nd morning. I'm planning right after work, terus pergi skudai, and will be there until graduation day, on 25th.

the journey will take more or less 4-5 hours, of a long, tiring journey, with a shaking old car, it will be uncomfortable and bumpy ride i'll reckon. though it'll be alright with me, and i think i'm gonna enjoy the journey..

huh, where's the good news? heee.

because i'm driving my kancil! <3 papa asked me earlier tonight, on how am i going to go to skudai later on 22nd, and he agreed to repair my kancil. okay i know it's been thousand times i said "finally my kancil is going to be repaired mfufufu" or something, but this time, i bet it's gonna be reeeaaalll. Unless papa want me to drive the mini... hm.

so anyway, raise your hand if you want to tag along! >_< it will be cramp a bit i think. it's still a kancil :)

here we go.

i really don't know how to start this. i was thinking maybe a "dear diary i'm very sorry" or "i've been neglecting you a lot" or maybe just a hi. it's not that nothing happens to me, tho in fact, a lot happened. 

working right now, graduating end of september, holiday, raya, puasa, merdeka.. and holiday before puasa. and pd. 

you know i was very stupid when i said last year i think i can't go down anymore because i thought things are at their worst, and it should start getting better, but it did not. so i'm not going to be such a dumbass to write this, but this year, sucks. suckier than last year. last year was better. at least i've got Penang. and PD. and it was not until this may or june or july i only knew what i believe since last year, was all bullshits.

and it's not helping me at all. 

last year i remember that raya was a bit happier, a bit more happening compared to this year. sorry, i mean, a lot. i didn't even send any single soul selamat hari raya. thus i'm taking this opportunity to say that i'm really sorry, and i'd be happier if i send raya greeting, even if it's via sms. lagilah kad raya. sigh.

i finished my study at utm on may. or wassit june? idk. i kinda missed the campus life to be honest. free, studying in kl, hanging around with friends, dinner with friends, yada yada.. it was fun, really, really fun. but funny things tho, right now, working, earning money on your own effort, i felt that i wouldn't want to stop. hell, if there's a vacancy for permanent position, maybe i'll grab it. 

plus, when you're working, all of your energy is focused on your works, and you spent more time with papers and casses than your family, and your laptop, or your handphone. work, have become a distraction. a good distraction, away from what i think as my harsh unacceptable life. 

well at least last year teaches me not to put your hopes high enough, because the higher you place your hope, the lower you'll be once it started to eat you up. again.

i mean i don't know why i still continue to put my faith in the same thing that betrayed me over and over and over again. would you put yours at something or someone that has repeatedly cheating you? have you ever had the heart to start believing again, not once, but countless time? and that's not even metaphorically. i bet once you feel cheated, you'll stop believing and start moving on, why bother at things that you can't trust anymore right?

also, i learnt to stop thinking that i'll find a really good friend, or close friend, or buddies, or whatever. frankly, everyone will leave you eventually, it's just a matter of time. so i'd better start labelling my friends as colleague, or classmates, or whatever. maybe that's a safer choice. i think. 

last year thought me to be a pessimist. well for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimist now. 

at least this year i can blew off my steam with some fictions, though i can't see when i'm going to write again, same goes to this blog, as i'm working right now. 

and at least this year's ramadhan was.. special, compared to last year. 

yesterday, i was typing half way when somebody called me, so we chatted a bit, and after consulting and asking her opinions, she said it'd be better if i kept it to myself. maybe. so i scraped it in the draft folder. tho i had a perfect title for it; stranger things have happened to me.

i don't know what else to talk about. oh and my kancil.. same old story. budget for her treatment will go to my bro's car or my sis's car, or my mum's i think. i feel like crying to be honest, i can't do a thing for her eventho she's been helping me, she's there to help me or whatever, when i was down, when i was sad, when people lied to me, when.. whatever. you guys get the idea right? it's the same thing over and over again.

this year, if everything goes well, i'll go to edinburgh. maybe after that to paris or spain. with my own money. so i should stop complain about work and start to gather all my strength and energy, and start doing work nicely. 

it's funny, seeing how i treated august as my last month of the year and september where life started again. 

berteduh langit malam ini

macam biasa. aku macam biasa lepak dekat tepi rumah bertemankan lampu-lampu oren taman. aku nyalakan lilin dalam bekas lantern. macam biasa, aku menoleh ke kiri, ke kanan, tak ada tujuan, termenung macam orang bodoh, dan terus hanyut, larut dalam kepekatan malam ni.

kemudian sepoi sepoi angin tiup, diselangi hembusan yang cukup menakjubkan, maha menakjubkan.

dah lama aku tak rasa macam ni. tenang? entah. lega? aku tak reti describe perasaan aku. rasa.. lain. rilekkks je. sambil tu aku masih lagi termenung jauh. macam malam malam lain. cuma kali ni aku rasa lain gila. rasa dunia macam cepat je berpusing.

kemudian entah macam mana, lilin dalam lantern tu padam. ler, biar betul. takpe nyalakan balik. baru je katup balik pintu lantern tu, baru kalih ke sebelah kiri, tgk kolam ikan jap dah padam. ish, pelik. punya lah aku usha tgk sumbu panjang lagi, yelah, aku baru bukak baru kot lilin tu. takkan sekejap dah padam. nak cakap sumbu basah, menyala lawa je tadi. meliuk liuk lagitu.

takpe, try lagi. kalau fail gak kali ni aku givap. bukan malam aku la gamaknya. tutup ke pintu lantern, ushaa je. dan, padam.

kali ni aku memang betul betul tergamam. speechless. aku tak tau apa jadi sebenarnya. kau tau, lantern tu tertutup rapat, dia mcm ada pintu, selebihnya kaca. ada pun lubang2 kecik nak bagi udara masuk, bg lilin tu terus membakar sumbu. dan bagi aroma vanilla keluar. jadi ape jadi ekceli?

dan baru aku perasan. malam ni.. pelik. betul. sungguh. sunyi. kalau tak area rumah aku bising dgn salakan anjing. sebelah kiri rumah aku, selang 2-3 rumah dah ada 2 rumah beranjing-anjingan. sebelah kanan hujung jalan pun ada anjing bebyk. rottweiler lagi. pantang orang lalu menyalak bagai nak rak. nampak kucing pun menyalak macam kucing tu bawak lari anak derang. lane depan rumah aku pulak ada anjing yang duduk depan rumah rafique, yang selalu kacau plan ktorang nak keluar memalam. dog watcher ni ala-ala observer ward mak rafique, selalu menyalak je.

i mean, tiap2 malam menyalak. tapi malam ni, dari lepas taraweh lagi.. sunyi sepi. apa pun tak bunyi.

ada jugak aku cari pokok mane yang rukuq, memang tak dapat la aku jumpa. lawak sungguh. entah la, firasat aku je kot. manusia punya hati selalu memain2kan tuan dia kan?

sambil aku terus observe dan observe.. aku perasan awan selang seli menampakkan bulan.. yang terang. sambil angin tiup.. rasa nak meleleh air mata aku.

apa lagi yang aku tunggu?

*****

selesai solat-solat sunat, aku duduk lepak lagi dekat bumbung kali ni. lagi clear pemandangan. lagi sepi, lagi.. tenang. rasa sayu jap. pilu. layan perasaan pulak.

dan laut hitam ni, aku rasa macam bercahaya.

hati aku memang tengah bermain-main dengan aku kot. mane la tau aku kene tipu dengan hati aku, tapi at least aku ada alasan untuk update blog ni lol.

i thought i was 'okay'.

halfway through the day i manage to be fine, smile and act like nothing happened. a biiiig smile, with the usual attitude towards my work, and try hard, focusing at my works.

and i thought i did a very, very excellent job, today. overall. did finish some of my cases, and acting like i'm okay. i mean, i'm always okay. so for today, i'm gonna be okay, too.

but i was surprised when i opened up my profile facebook, everyone wishes me birthday. and i remembered the other day something happened, i was trying to remember today, end up i make it as my birthday.

and sad thing is, my laptop broke down. i can't change it and i totally forgot about it. thus, the wishes.

look i don't give a fuck if you guys think i'm seeking attention or whatsoever, i'm very sorry, god knows how much i don't want to fucked up today, esp since today is the day where everything started going fucked up, until now.

at least, i don't want it to be another fucked up day, so i tried to cheer up and act like usual with the same shit but well, i guess not.

but i admit, i did wrong, so therefore i'm deeply regret on what happened today and thus, no more bday wishes for me. fyi. my bday;

IT MEANS NOTHING FOR ME.

so yeah.

Selamat 5 tahun, SAIFUL AIZAT. semoga kau terus kuat dan kuat dan kuat.

dear august.

dear august.

i'm one of billions of people in this world that actually would write this letter to you. i don't care if you are named from augustus caesar or whatever, i just hope that, you don't turn into another fucked up month. because i think, it's about time you will become a lucky month for me, at least just for this year.

the only best thing i can think about you august is that the summer is still here albeit the long day has gone, and the insects are much noisier and much more than any other months. oh and the birds too.

to be honest august, this year sucks. last few months are much worser than i thought it would be. thus i'm not really getting my hopes high that you will finally become my luckiest month of the first half of the year. oh wait, we're in the second half. yes, i am that desperate to have something to believe that something bad not happened to me.

because history shows that luck, happiness, is excruciatingly far from me whenever i bumped into you. i can't remember; i don't think i'm able to find one thing in my whole life, whats so good about you really.

hence i'm writing this letter as a desperate attempt to embrace you, to accept you august.

i hope you will not beat me half dead, i mean, cornered me till the outmost desperate attempt of running away - via the idea of suicide, again.

august, if you think i'm such a dumbass to write this letter to you, or if you think i'm such a fool to try to be positive about the negative waves that you plotted, or if you think i'm such a drama king, or a desperado, feel free to think so, because i am.

i am desperate to go pass the hardships the tests, everything that can stop me from being strong to co-op with the ongoing rush of times, i need to move on, strongly.

so please dear august, be good to me.

can i finish the fiction in time?

back to reality

really, i should change my way on approaching something, whether it is a sad news or heartbreaking news, or whatever.

please don't get me wrong, i still (at this very moment) not giving up yet, but more like, redha?

whatever. i'm getting tired changing my own fate. i guess my life its not mine after all. bila Dia dah plan something, no matter how hard i tried, i guess i can't defy the fate that beholds me.

come, whatever. i shall try my best to not to go against it. i'll accept, whatsofucking ever.

"jangan give-up, hidup aizat tak sampai separuh lagi pun;"
kalau aku mati sekarang waktu tu dah kire separuh la jugak kan? lol
"---aizat kuat kan?"
yep. that's why i'm still here.
"bila aizat kuat, ---- "
ah kau mmg sentiasa kuat.
"kalau seribu orang nak belasah aizat, lawan je satu-satu; one at a time; jangan give-up!"
maaf, aku dah try. aku lagi rela biar semua orang belasah aku satu demi satu, dari terus lawan dan lawan dan lawan dan rebah; semua usaha tak ada hasil. baik aku terima je semua.
"------ akan sentiasa harapkan aizat kuat, dan tabah, dan happy selalu"
terima kasih kerana optimis. kalau kau tengok aku sekarang, mesti kau tak kenal sape aku.

bak datanglah. apa-apa pun.

follow up

balik balik dari hospital terus aku campak sweater aku dalam mesin basuh.

aku benci bau hospital.

and life is not going to end just like that

i can't stand waiting. i get bored of waiting easily. i don't wait people for 2-3 hours. no i don't.

but today, i gladly do that, just like i did wait for 7 grueling hours about 6 years ago.

went to hospital again. it's kinda funny because i keep juggling between hospitals and it seems it shared one common, at least for me; i fucking hate hospital. really, i praised for everyone that worked at hospital, for their sheer determination of gaining money through helping people and at the same time enduring the bleak sad and melancholic atmosphere.

aku tabik spring. seriyes.

every hospital i went, no matter how helpful their staff was, how handsome and funny their doctors was, and no matter how beautiful the nurses, it was depressing. i was very, very, very, very, glad i din take medic, or i'll be in a worse condition then i am right now.

okay back to the story, i went to ppum at petaling jaya, because my dad is going to have a "aspiration" is what they suggested to use to named the procedure, it is less gruesome. it is commonly known as bone marrow biopsy.

now i don't have any bio knowledge, for which i really hate that subject, so i don't really know the terms and whatsofuckingever, but i know one thing for sure.

this is one hell of a procedure to went thru.

the pain can lasted for a week. for me, it was really cruel to be honest, but well it's not like they have another painless option.

so there i was, waiting, and waiting agonizingly and surprisingly today there were little to none. but still, the procedure of doing it from checking the blood etc till the result came out take around 6 hours.

going thru this again, really makes me think, i was half way giving up my life back in 05, and again in 10, but well,

life is not going to end just like that.

i'm enduring the pain of seeing the person i love suffering, again, waiting there like a statue, not knowing any words to comfort, i was really, really clueless on how to help them, i felt like i'm utterly useless, what i thought i can fixed myself after 6 years, i still can't do it.

ah, the agony.

on the way back to home i drive the alfa romeo brera spider, and, no matter how awesome the car was, i still don't feel any excitement at all.

but,

i just have to be strong, and just gather all my strength to go thru this, again.

aku benci benci benci benci benci benci hujan. ah ya Allah aku mintak tolong, ringan kan lah beban aku. aku hanya hamba Mu yang lemah.

to be honest, i have lots of things to blog about, but i can't spill it out.

theres too much of things that i'd prefer to tell someone but i figure that it will be better i let it rot inside me, where the idea and the thoughts is twisted enough to bend your straight thoughts of me.

and if i'm telling means i wanted a reaction, which i rarely get. most of them were blanks and silent.

don't worry, think i have enough good memory to blog about. i hope.

melancholy, dismal, bleak, sorrow and monotony

so okay, admitting was not really me. it's something i seldom do. i'd rather challenge myself or denying something or worse, run away from it, rather than admitting something that is fact.

it makes me feel bad, considering how hard i tried not to be denial, when i'm trying to stay positive when obviously i don't feel good at all.

i admit that i admit things that i can take it, something that is i can fixed it, or so.

but then, to be honest, admitting your weakness is something i can't possibly do, without help.

when i was a kid i don't stand on my own, i don't smile when i fell down stairs, i don't cycle on my own, and i don't do things on my own, i can't change something, i don't learn something on my own. there.

it's something i've been trying to do since years, and i'm still doing it, yes i admit it now. i'm trying to live on my own. to be self dependent, to look after myself, and to not let other care about you.

it's a bad habit, it's something that annoyed people, and it's something i can't help but to feel that i am okay with it.

i admit, there's not a single soul living knows everything about me. not even my parents. i choose not to. i hate to share most of me, and losing someone who understand you feels -- i can't describe it. theres maybe someone who thinks i'm a weirdo, maybe someone who thinks i'm a freak. or maybe someone who thinks i'm mysterious whatsoever, maybe they doesn't even give a fuck,

but maybe someone did really care.

you can say that i lost hope, or you can say that i'm consoling myself, or you can say that i'm pathetic. because i, don't really know what i'm doing, what really happened to me--

i'm patheticly clueless about myself. i can assure myself this is no identity crisis, i'm not looking for me, but for most of the part of my life is, just live. do something that feels, alive. do something that makes you alive. well when most of the people have something in their mind, already forged their way there, or maybe taking a detour, or maybe trying another route to get there, but i-- i don't really give a fuck. i just, live, whatever my life is the way it was, or the way it's gonna be.

or in other words, aku, redha. well maybe obviously, my past played a big role to this kind of thinking. more like, i gave up, even though i'm trying to survive?

ahhh i'm lost. i don't understand what i'm typing, literally.

but one thing for sure, dear god.

"i don't want to die."

summer

ah summer. who doesn't love the sunny afternoon, where you can be lazy, lying around, sweating, drinking tea.. damn. who doesn't loves summer?

oh and, eventhough we're in Malaysia, we actually felt summer too. I'm not kidding. Last month there's freaking storm every evening. This month? Nay. Nada. nil.

Summer means summer vacaytion. Well no vacayyytion really, I'm hunting for jobs. I need money to do what I want, without feeling iritated on how much I've been craving for something, or doing something, when I don't have money. sigh.

oh and a lil small thing. i don't mind if you're following my twitter, i'm just scarred i'll offend my followers, because i never hold back when twitting. it's my pure thought, in that instance.

and i'm sorry to my friends who just recently discovered my twitter. if you guys reading this, meaning you guys officially discoverd my blog too.

and I'm not planning to let any of my ex-schoolmates knew this blog, because they'll be surprised, (most of them were really surprised back then) and to see my other half of my life. sigh. i hate it when things getting complicated.

rotating fan, the sound of the wind blow, the sunlight, gosh, how i love summer.

it actually makes me forget my sadness.

and fuck yeah, I'm going to drive Odyssey! Going for a trip to Malacca. Desperately need a trip somehow somewhere.

i'm leaving home tonight after maghrib, will be leaving for Malacca on monday morning. x)

sensation.

even with eyes tightly shut, gripping it down, hard.

even when darkness surround me,

i can still feel it,

the sensation, this feeling.

where,

my hand is being held on,

as if wanted me to help,

and the look-- that look.

inside the oxygen mask

with both of the eyes closed,

it hurts.

both of us.

it hurts for me too.

as I can't do a shit,

and my right hand tightly held, by a sums of hardly gathered energy left,

weakly,

I raise my left hand, and rub my eyes.

I still can't forget. I don't know when will I forget.

slurpee and sunset.

Bayangkan waktu kau tengah hilang arah, kau hilang tumpuan, ibarat semua benda dah mula berpaling dari kau, menolak kau melawan arus.

Dan bila kau sedar kau makin terdesak, kau lakukan apa saja yang kau fikir kau nak buat.

Bila emosi mengatasi minda, bila jiwa membentak, bila kau terdesak, apa yang kau boleh campak? Apa yang aku buat, aku ikut kata hati. Hati aku bukanlah bersih mana pun. Kotoq bukan main. Bermasaalah. Tak boleh ikut lojik lagu nasyid yang selalu aku dengaq zaman muda-muda.

"Pandangan mata selalu menipu,

Pandangan mata selalu tersalah,

Pandangan nafsu selalu melulu

Pandangan hati itu yang hakiki,

Kalau hati itu bersih."

So kategori bersih tu aku rase depends ah, ada cakap xsemestinya kau sentiasa buat baik hati kau bersih, tak semestinya kau jahat kau hati kotor. Ah, biaq lah. Bukan tu apa yang aku nak habaq kat hangpa.

Bayangkan, semua benda yang mengusutkan aku taim tu, hilang. Macam susu. Apesal susu? Entah.

12 April, 2011. Aku dah buat keputusan. Waktu tu jugak aku pi. Pi pantai. Ada pilihan, antara Kuantan dengan PD. Aku pilih PD. Sebab? Dah biasa. Lagipun aku bukan nak pi meronda-ronda dekat sana. Pi nak tengok pantai, laut ja. Kalau pi Kuantan hang sesat kang. Tak ka gila.

Jadi aku pergi sana, ikut Semenyih. Huih. Sumpah jaoh. Sebab pa aku pilih Semenyih? Sebab dekat kawasan tu aku bet Papa takdak spy-spy. Payah sikit kalau mana-mana ja hangpa pi ada orang habaq kat bapak hangpa. Naik bas loncat, entah berapa jam dalam bas tu. Tau tau dekat Seremban dah. Lega. Tukaq bas, naik pi PD pulak.

Dekat PD tu, sampai dalam pukul 3. Naik teksi sampai dekat pantai, area pantai bulan? Entah, lupa. Jalan kaki sampai dekat roundabout, nak menghala ke arah teluk kemang.

Sampai dekat sana, around pukul 5. Tapi terik lagi matahari. Apa lagi, bawak keluaq kamera la, start nak tangkap gambaq. Sad to say is I forgot I left my Diana at home, too busy this semester to snap pictures, buy films etc etc. So I borrow Adib's Nikkon instead. I pretty much used to it so I think it's quite okay. Plus Adib totally cool bout it. Thanks!

But there was little to none interesting subjects to snap around. It was weekday, and the stalls alongside the beach, more than 100 stalls I think, only 10 were opened. It was, very, very quite.

Good for me, bad for the camera. Was sitting around when I saw a beautiful couple. Asked their permission to take pictures, but they only allowed me to publish the non-close up pics. I'm okay with that.

So yeah. She's okay - okay lah for me, but the guy is quite jambu. With a dragon tattoo on his right shoulder. Weird.

But soon afterwards some people started to go enjoy the sea water, so I decided to joined them! Memang sexcited gila babs. The water is quite warm for my liking, but still it was enjoyable, maybe I was too excited to care about that.

Notice a family of three enjoying the beach. Grab the camera and snap some pics.

His name is Alif if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, random shot.

One thing I always did when I went to beach is hermit crab! Was lucky to get one inside the water but it was difficult, with the waves and stuff, so it slipped and din manage to take a picture of him. sad.

But fear not! I got myself a replacement!

I think they're quite cute to be honest.

And last and not the leastttttt. The sky. Ah. I was a bit upset tho it was going to rain. The sun was setting, but the cloudy weather doesn't help at all. It's getting dark, and I was afraid I can't get a place to sleep at night, and raining sucks, I can't walk, it's hard getting a taxi and stuff. So I decided it was the end of my journey. Pretty much. Was pretty upset, but heck, I'll take it, better than nothing!

p/s to those who notice the title post, know why slurpee and sunset? i was pretty much back in my memory lane all the way to pd and back at kl.

and if you knew, yeah, most of the story was fiction. 50, or 55%.

ngilu

bagus. bajet boleh tidor lah kalau kau makan ubat tidor? camne kalau kau bangun lebih kurang 1-2 jam je lepas kau makan ubat tidor tu?

badan kau makin lali dengan ubat tidor? gamaknya.

do I really, really have to satisfy other needs to make my own satisfaction fulfilled ? do I have to sacrifice my own needs to satisfy other's, will it make things better?

will I ABLE to hang on? do you really give a fuck?

guess last week's friday escape wasn't enough. was going to blog about that, but since it's pretty much depressing because i'm fucking alone, and i'm so fucking desperate to do that, and my weekends are so fucked up that i was so fucking down i can't even say i was sane enough at that time, i decided to post something 'honest'.

and god. to think that this whole week is more or less the same. and to think that after a fucked up March i was very hopeful of a very, very, very, normal (not lucky) April,

i was so wrong. this .. sucks. i gave up.

i have to run. i need to run, even if it means i'm going to be alone this weekend. even if i end up somewhere i don't even know, or somewhere i used to cherish my memories (even now) , somewhere where i can gaze the stars, listen to sound of never ending waves, feeling like i was burst by the powerful wind of the sea breeze..

even if it means i'm going to be all by myself.

preparations

follow up post.

okay, i've decided. dear papa mama, i won't going home this weekend. dear abang, happy birthday, but i'm afraid i won't be there to celebrate your birthday. dear kakak, don't be so depressed, abang is going to take you to the national science center this weekend. dear silent readers, please by all mean, don't tell my parents about this.

so i'm going to have a very very long walk. i'm not using kancil. easily recognized. half-way, spotted, i'm dead. i'll be using public transport.

meaning i'll be solely relying on my ipod. going to charge it up, and fill it with endless list of songs.

my backpack will contain.. i don't know. torch light? figure it may take a night or two. t-shirts, shorts, toothbrush.. what else.

shoes? nah, will be using my trusty pair of crocs kot. and shud bring a pair of slippers, just in case.

should i bring charger too? for my handphones? or perhaps i shudnt bring my handphones at all. its not like it's going to ring anyway.

oh my earphone just died. sigh. gonna buy a new one first.

should i bring camera too? will it be my diana, or someone else's ? is adib going to lend me his? going to ask him, but afraid he won't. tsk tsk. dah lah ada flash baru, confirm lah cannot let go. but well, it's gonna be worth to try. i take back my words, dslr does not sucks. :P

but din bringing a dslr is going to pose a greater risk, esp when you're all alone? it'll going to stand out a bit, and i can't risk someone else's camera.. seems like i have to rely on my trusty diana f+!

lessee.. what else? charger for my ipod? meaning i have to bring along my laptop. i guess not, i have to make sure my backpack is light to make myself at ease. this is malaysia, not like other country, where you can backpack with lesser risk of getting robbed. gonna make myself agile a bit, so i can save my energy for my running!

and the most important thing is.. when? idk, i can go today if i really want to.. yes i'm that desperate. it's not like anyone is going to tag along..

more or less. going to google a bit here and there, and make up my mind.

fuck cancer. fuck leukemia.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off! had enough with it. tak habis habis. lepas sorang, sorang. lepas tu lagi sorang. lagi sorang. ape ni, aku ni kuat sangat ke ha? fuck la. fuck. fuck.

oh fuck this insomnia too. i hate to endure all of this fucking shit all fucking alone. i'm so fucked up, i don't fucking care anymore, fuck it, fuck me, hate me, fuck off, fuck this shits. if you want to hate me, go on. fuck it. i'm using being hated anyway. i'm always the fucking bad guy, will never change. you have no use of me anymore right, so just go. why are you being so fucking stupid, to actually be there by me? fuck it.

if you hate me for what i am, go fuck yourself. why did i even befriend with you? i don't understand. y'see, i don't really fucking remember who the fuck is who the fuck, albeit he's fucking famous around these tiny place, but if i remember you, i won't forget you till i fucking dead. means if i already thought you as a friend, i won't fucking back stabbing you while smiling like a fucking dewa in front of your fucking face. if you hate him/her please for god sake, TELL HIM/HER, don't fucking back talk them. are you THAT FUCKING PERFECT to do that?

so why are you guys are here anyway? to fucking make fun of me? go on. have fun. to fucking hate me? sure, go on. like I give a fuck anyway. to be honest i fucking hate myself anyway. so don't feel bad. because you guys are, the most perfect, good looking, smart, intelligent bastard ever.

i'm just a fucking loner, i always be. i always will be. it's a sad fucking fact that i don't want to fucking accept it if i can, but this is just the fucking things are.

oh to those 59 "followers", please gtfo too. unfollow please. like you guys give a fuck. all you guys care are increasing youre traffic, nuffnag whatsofucking ever. hello, if you want money that much, please focus on your work, have a part-time job, work till your ass off, get some OT, and actually do your fucking work instead of blogging.

i'm so fucking damn tired of all this fucking shit. cukup sudah dengan all of the bullshits with all the goatdamn fucking diseases, you fucking throw your bullshits at those people yang help you when you guys are fucking sad, begging for their fucking money, and this is what you gave back? what a fucking joke! dah lah diorang fucking sick, kena jaga orang yang sakit, yang perangai macam celaka jugak . ha baguslah! bagus. in the end, the one yang kena is the one yang baik hati sangat pergi tolong, baik hati sangat, tak ambik hati.

I won't forget the slap I get for backing up my mom. From my mom.

"mama tak pernah ajaq anak mama cakap macam tu!" I'll never forget it.

fuck this. god. i fucking hate this. fuck all this. i just want a fucking simple life. i always distant myself from everyone, so that when this kind of shits happen i'll be less painful. it never happens.

what i did i learnt after all this fucking 6 years? what is the fucking result after this 6 fucking years? NOTHING. even i fucking try my fucking best i fucking flop at it, i suck at doing my best.

i, fucking hate you, for fucking left me here alone; trying to defy all these fucked up shits, for leaving this fuck up world, and just see me fucked things up. 

i'm just another fuck up fucker.

kaseh ; (mati itu pasti)

Biar bertahun
kian mengalir
Esok kan jadi mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu teringat melodiku
Kerlipan bintang menjadi bukti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Siang berlalu
Malam berakhir
Bangunlah dari mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu, teringat iramaku
Impianmu kan menjadi pasti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Jajahan Bintang

Hujan oh hujan
Bilakah akan berhenti ?
Ini bukan
Lukisan yang ku termimpi

Tapi pabila ku cuba lagi
Langit ku lihat hujan berhenti
Lainnya rasa…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi gelora melanda di hati
Jangan menangis sayang
Semoga bersama di hari
Daku kembali…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi….

off to isle of innisfree

so I'm not getting better. And the last thing I need right now is more shites. unfortunately in life, if you are getting lucky, be prepare to get more luck. but if you're in a shit holes, be prepare to get worse.

some people might prefer the more safe road, the "I-don't-want-to-take-any-risk", and just be by themselves, run away from all their responsibility, I have done what I always do, it's up to you to take it or leave it.

if they think they flopped their chance, if they think they were inferior to the other half, they'll just leave it that way, and be like that, or, run.

to whoever chose to run, I mean it, it's a very good choice. you can cover up your guilty or your coward-ness with "It's the best for you" bullshits.

to whoever chooses to continue and be like that, fuck you. Don't you believe to the word "May tomorrow be better than today?" Try be a better fools, you idiot.

to whoever chooses to stay and just try their best, never give up, never feel satisfied with their effort, then I pity you. You have to live with someone that you felt inferior with, someone who is better than you, all your life. You have to listen to their rants, you have to see who they really are, you have to support them when they needed someone, you have to make them feel better. Sanggup? No. No one ever wanted that.

so I should pity myself. getting rewarded is what kept me do good things since I was 3. And I still don't understand, after all bullshits I get I kept on doing good things for what?

This?

Anyway, I can say that I felt better. At least, by a tiny bit. And yeah, I cried when I updated the post "tak faham", because of the physical pain, and the emotional state of mine.

To be honest, I open the phonebook and called the last person I wanted to talk to at that time, the last person I wanted to show how I was at that time. But her name was on the top of the phonebook. I still don't know why I called her.

Anyway thanks Amal. I mean it.

And I should stop blogging about my life, my personal emotions and about me. I should share with you guys about my thoughts, my opinion instead. or my experience. I talked about me more because of obligations, respect, and I should give someone know my condition, even if that fella did not ask me about. And I think I should stop showing my weaker side more, because, I will get worse day by day now. Thanks.

And yes, I should share it with someone. But I did not have one, so I share it on my blog, which have 50 followers with most of them I don't even know, and most of the people that I know, I wish they did not know what I've been going through.

So I'm thinking less talking about my life here. Not anymore. I know, I need to write, I need to draw, I need to express to make myself sane, but this blog, beat the purpose. I felt it is unwise to share everything here.

Eventhough I need to. I guess I'll open another account, and continue rambling, and stop worrying about what people think of me. That will be better, because actually I wanted to share all about me with those people I love, but nah, I guess it's a bad try.

In the end, I guess I'll be that pathetic boy, who don't want to leave his past, his good time, his memories behind, the boy who just wanted to be happy, the boy who don't want to worry about future, that sad boy, who don't want to grow up, to be at the future.

Hell is just a word, reality is much worse.

plog Thursday 17th March 2011

Entri Sakit

(Entry di buat sewaktu kelas Tassawur Islam 27 Mac 2011.)

[Lepas haritu* aku terjatuh, aku mula mengalami sakit2. Mula2 sakit dekat tgn kanan.

Lepas tu Dua Dua belah pulak rasa SAKIT T_T

sekarang, rasa tak selesa dah. Makan painkillers jela..]

plog Thursday 24th February

Entry Rempit.

(Entry di buat sewaktu kelas Tassawur Islam 24 Feb yang lepas)

[Ye... saya Rempit lagi hari ini.. sbb saya demam. T_T

nak x nak ni jela SWEATER yang Aku ada..

..t e r p a k s a-lah aku mengharungi I hari lagi dengan penuh dgn

mata yang tajam bak pisau. sob T_T]

tak faham

sakit ni buat aku sakit hati gila. annoying, sakit, pedih, perit, dan menyusahkan. juga buat aku bertambah cuak dan berhati-hati.

nak taip cerita cerita yang aku sendiri eksaited nak tulis pun tak boleh. cerita tu macam ekstesi aku, aku punya passion. tapi,, shit.

--

apa yang aku tak faham, aku cukup tak faham, tak cukup ke peluang? nak lagi? dah tau aku dah macam cibai punya sakit, tak faham lagi ke? ikut lah perasaan kau sangat, peduli apa perasaan aku, pegi mampos.

ah sial. painkillers macam gula gula je. sekejap je manis.

aku rasa macam nak nangis. ya Allah. I always bear in mind yang sakit ni tanda yang Allah bagi menunjukkan Allah ingat. Tapi aku sakit sangat lah, tak tahan. Aku nak jadi macam manusia biasa. Aku tak suka macam ni, aku tak boleh buat apa aku suka, heck aku nak drive pun sakit gila babi.

Aku tak suka, aku sakit. sakit la sial. sakit. tolonglah. aku tak tahan. aku tak kuat. tolonglah. apa apa jela. aku nak kuat, aku taknak sakit, aku aku tak tahan.

ya Allah.. aku dah tak ada tempat mengadu.

sakit

Aku sakit hati, badan dan kepala. Ada gash dekat dahi sebelah kiri bawah rambut. Masa otw balik baru perasan. Bodoh betul. Aku dah jadi makin lemah.

flapping birds; apparently it's knocking on my door.

Pedal minyak aku tekan, mencecah lantai. Kereta ke kiri, ke kanan, ke kiri, mencelah mencari ruang. Ekor mata tercari-cari ruang, dalam ketidak-ada tumpuan. Entah kenapa aku nak balik sangat, padahal aku dah dekat kolej aku.

Semalam ada dua peluang aku tentukan untuk ikut gerak hati aku atau tidak. Gerak hati aku yang pertama, balik rumah. Aku gagahkan diri aku pulang. Kali ke dua, tak, aku tak buat. Aku patut buat, itu mungkin boleh buat aku rasa lebih lega hari ni.

Malam tadi aku tidur lena. Sungguh. Penat, fatigue, entah. Aku tak tau, apesal lena sangat. Bangun pagi-pagi, buat rutin seharian aku. Lepas selesai tanggungjawab aku pagi buta tu, aku baring, tengok dekat luar. Sampai aku terlelap.

"Aizat, Aizaaaattt."

"Ye mama" Dengan mata separuh terbukak, dan aku pasti ada air liur dekat bibir aku, aku menyahut panggilan mama.

"Mama ada benda nak bagitau, bukak pintu dulu"

"Ha? Awat mama?"

"Ni nak habaq la ni. Bukak pintu dulu" Seperti yang disuruh, aku bukak pintu.

"Ayah kawan Aizat meninggal"

"Hah?"

"Kawan papa tu, apa tah nama dia. Zul ke apa tah"

Aku terpegun jap. Berita yang paling aku taknak dengar, berita yang paling aku benci, benda yang aku paling tak suka dengar, adalah ni. Berita musibah orang lain. Lagi lagi waktu pagi buta. Anyway siapa bapak dia Zul? Zulhusni? Zulfadli? Jap. Zulkifli? Tu bukan ke

Nadmin.

Kawan papa, tick. Kawan aku, tick. Sakit, tick. MashaAllah. Terus aku dail nombor Nadmin. Tak berangkat. Selang 5 minit kemudian, dapat message dari tuan punya badan.

"Aizat, ayah sy baru meninggal"

Terus aku call. Berderau darah aku baca. Bila cakap dengan dia, aku jadi gugup. Aku jadi hairan, apesal aku yang jadi bukan-bukan pulak ni. Kelu, ape jadah lagi lah. Apesal aku yang jadi macam ni? Macam celaka. Dia pulak, sangat firm, dan tenang.

"Dah ketentuan, terime jela"

Selesai bercakap, aku rebahkan badan aku. Kepala aku terbayang papa. Oh, patut lah.

"Aizat, mama nak pi rumah dia, Aizat tunjuk jalan okay?" Aku terjaga. Terlelap.

"Ha? Papa?"

"Papa, ada event dengan RELA. Dia tak boleh cancel."

Jadi aku drive lah mama dan kakak aku, ke rumah arwah. Ternampak Ustaz Hanif, suami Cikgu Shahrifah. Cikgu yang mengajar aku dari darjah 4, sampai 6. Ustaz yang ajar aku mengaji al-Quran dari darjah 4, smpai 6. Khatam 3 kali tak silap aku.

"Papa lambat lagi?"

"Ha'ah kot."

"Shooting practice ke, ada majlis ape?"

"Wallahu'alam Ustaz, tak sempat kot nak datang."

"Sempat kot, insha Allah. Kebumi lepas Zuhur."

10, 15 minit aku dekat sana. Tak jumpa orang yang aku nak jumpa. Tuan rumah, Nadmin dan arwah. Aku kecewa. Mama nak balik dah. Aku redha. Bodoh.

Terbaring dekat living room, depan TV. Mama nak tengok Melodi, sukahati lah. Menyampah aku dengan berita artis sekarang. Lebih kurang lepas solat Zuhur, papa called. Papa cakap papa baru nak bertolak dari majlis. Macam tau-tau je aku tak ikut mak aku keluar dengan kakak aku.

20 minit kemudian sampai depan rumah. Dengan seragam RELA dia tu, keluar, dia duduk seat satu lagi. Aku drive? Tutup pintu, papa menjawab soalan aku tadi,

"Aizat drive lah, papa tak larat."

"Papa dari mana?"

"KL"

Kuala Lumpur saudara saudari sekalian, ke Rawang, 20 minit di tengah hari Ahad, adalah satu achievement ye.

"Ni pun papa suruh naib papa handle benda alah tu. Serba salah. Waktu tengah shooting tadi pun aim lari habis, kepala tak fokus."

Sampai je tanah perkuburan, laju je ayah aku menapak. Besar-besar je langkah dia, dengan kulit muka dia pucat kemerahan. Ish, tak pakai cream yg doktor bagi ke ayah aku ni. Nampak dia bersalaman dengan Hadi, dan ayah Hadi, Haji Muhammad. Lalu di tunjukkan jalan ke bawah khemah, dia duduk sebelah keluarga. Aku tegur Hadi, lalu aku tengok ke arah khemah.

Dah siap dikebumikan dah. Malang. Aku dengan Hadi, dalam khalayak ramai tu, berdiri je. Membaca tahlil, mengaminkan do'a. Pandangan aku tak lepas dari susuk orang yang duduk di hadapan kubur, di hadapan sekali, membelakangkan aku. Selang 2-3 orang, ayah aku. At one point aku nampak ayah aku dengan dia, 2-3 orang lagi tu blurrr je.

Macam mana lah aku nanti. Mampu ke aku duduk, menghalakan pandangan ke arah kubur tu, macam perempuan ni buat? Sekuat, setabah dia? Apalah yang akan jadi dekat ayah aku, entah bila. 2 hari, 3 minggu, 4 bulan. Entah bila. Bersediakah aku?

Semua pandangan dilemparkan ke arah pembaca do'a, apabila dia tersekat-sekat membaca do'a. Sebak. Serentak mata aku bergenang. Aku benci dengan diri sendiri. Over reaction, entah lah. Kenapa aku nak sedih sangat ni, aku tak tau lah. Bukan aku rapat pun dengan arwah, tapi entah lah.

Do'a di sambung orang lain. Aku mengaminkan sahaja do'a. Nampak adik Nadmin, duduk sebelah pembaca do'a tadi. Di sebut nama arwah, lalu di palingkan kepala ke arah adik lelaki Nadmin tu, dia mengganguk. Aku perhatikan sahaja, tangan terketar-ketar menadah tangan, mengaminkan do'a.

Nampak pulak kelibat seorang lagi pemuda, entah siapa. Duduk bertentangan aku, mengambil secubit tanah, di picit, di biar butir-butir tanah tu jatuh ke tanah kembali; Dari tanah kita dihidupkan, di tanah juga kita dikebumikan, dan dari tanah juga kita dihidupkan kembali.

Selesai do'a, aku berdiri. Dan terus berdiri. Melihat keluarga arwah menaburkan bunga, menuangkan air mawar, melihat si kecil dipimpin menuangkan air. Aku, berdiri, entah tak tahu menahu, orang disekeliling aku mula beransur, entah bila Hadi pulang. Bila sahaja aku sedar, bila lagu Heart In A Cage, bunyi riff gitar Nick Valensi berbunyi.

Sambil aku mengorak langkah ke kereta Mini Cooper S tu, aku menyedekahkan al-Fatihah dekat siapa sahaja yang pernah ada, dan pergi dari hidup aku. al Fatihah jugak aku sedekahkan dekat arwah.

Papa drive balik. Aku cuma tengok luar tingkap. Dalam hati masih bersyukur, yang drive sebelah aku ni, papa. Ayah aku. Dia masih ada, aku masih ada peluang. Aku patut bersyukur sangat.

Aku masih ada masa.