29 November, 2010

Look Alive, Sunshine.

okay, my NAN 14 is rolling again! 
Ahh, damn, now I just proved that I can't be away with my kancil even for only a day ♥ 

I was practically being a sad person this 2 weeks. 
Sebab well, she's not here that white kancil.
I send her for overhauling. 
It's been a while since the last time she's been a workshop, for a check-up.
..More like I never had the time,
Or maybe I just don't want to send her away from me. T_T 

But anyway, she's back yo. 
And peeps in Bandar Country Homes are sooo not going to be happy with it. mfufufufu. 

And old story, I need moolah! 
I want to buy a deskie as soon as possible! 
Getting sick playing PES 2011 in my lappie. So laggie. Damn. 

Going to be away for a while after this, I think. Kerjaaa. 
Moolah!
and some personal time with Kancil. Around KL, againnn. Hahaha.
Dah buat appointment with my Kancil. 
I want to spend my time with her, just in case tak sempat lah kan. ;)

Again, just a small update. haha

28 November, 2010

kenapa?

kenapa?
soalan macam ni selalu akan disusuli dengan alasan.
aku macam dah penat. asyik dengan alasan. lagi.
setiap kali keluar soalan kenapa, selalu keluar alasan.

mari kita tengok. my life is getting, interesting.
yeah. i guess so.
semua ni, salah aku. well, memang aku yang salah.
tak perlu lagi alasan.
aku cuba.

tolong lah aku. ya Allah. aku, tengah kuatkan diri aku.

ah, tak guna mengadu dekat sini.
tapi, dah passion aku menulis. who gives a fuck?
so yeah, taking inspiration from kak dora kita, I wanted to be ignored.
because I just felt, physically, and mentally, sick. tired.
I guess it'll be better if I stay like this for a while.
But it doesn't really matter kan? It's not like people really, care.
From what I saw, I felt, people, human, are always, tends to take care of others
esp their loves one.
but always, just on the surface. just a bit on the surface. then?
and yea, it's just one of many mistakes that human does kan?
nanti bila dah gaduh,
or maybe when it's already too late,
baru diorang perasan, kan?
but that makes diorang better. am I right? :)

my surrounding, people are, happy. I'm.. happy for them. yeah, really.
like Amal, I'm happy for her. She looks, happy, obviously lol.
seeing people happy, at least I felt, happy a bit, if not a lot.
maybe relief? kot. idk.

no worries, after this I can bet you guys who actually read my blog, it'll be a lot happier.
at least for a while lah. haha, I'll try my best.

no more excuse. I'll try my best untuk er, be more positive. I've done that before, surely I can, now. Of course.

hey you there. stop laughing at me. I know. I suck a lot kan? Haha. well really, I'll try my best to be happier than before. I don't suck. HAHA.

we'll see. aku nak. aku dah tak nak bagi alasan. redha? ye. semua salah aku. terima la akibat.

let's see. what's up with me now. looking for a job. cari makan. baju. PC. hurh.
and maybe I'll be taking law. HAHAHA. or Industrial Design for my degree.

tengoklah, umur panjang, sihat badan, tak selalu buat hal.

er, a small update je kot. banyak bebel. but what you guys think, I don't really care tho.

hey, better privatized this blog kan? I just write for the sake of, writing. Hmh. will consider it.

anyway, happy holiday peeps. have a blast holiday. wish me, happy too. C:

20 November, 2010

distraught

"Aku tak nak"

Si Anak terduduk. Terkesima. Luluh hati. Aih, balasan, ingkar janji dengan si Ibu, yang mengandungkan dia sembilan bulan. Berat di bawa ke hulu ke hilir. Dapat anak macam si Anak ni pulak. Memang sakit hati dia. Panas je perut. Si Anak berfikir.

Memang salah aku. Balasan.

Meminta diri, dia berjalan, longlai.

Mengheret kaki menuju entah ke mana, meredah kegelapan malam.

Kelihatan langit selang sekejap cerah. Ah, tanda.

Setelah jauh melangkah, dia terduduk di perhentian bas. Gelap.

Dari gelap, sehingga tetiba terpasang lampu-lampu kalimantang yang tiba-tiba.

Seram. Sejuk.

Teringat cerita Ju-On.

Beza nya, kini dia tidak takut, tetapi, sayu.

Luluh sudah hati dia. Si Anak merenung ke hadapan. Bingitan lagu Royal Jelly di ganti dengan petikan violin Emmet pula, tanda ada mesej baru masuk.

Dia masih terduduk. Tergenang mata.

Setelah beberapa ketika, dia berjalan lagi.

Dan berjalan

terus mengheret.

Badannya menjerit kesakitan, kelengahan. Bagai nak tercabut semua anggota.

Otaknya pula menjerit meminta teruskan perjalanan.

Hatinya memutuskan untuk berhenti. Dia sudah tiada semangat.

Hatinya sudah luluh.

Ya Allah, aku hamba yang hina.

Kuatkan lah semangat aku.

Tabahkan lah hati aku.

Dengarlah rintihan hamba Mu.

Aku kena tabah

Aku perlukan pertolongan Mu ya Allah.

Serentak, gerimis turun mencurah-curah, lebat.

Membasahi bumi,

membasahi dia.

Tanda tak lama lagi ribut.

Sebak.

Dia terus berjalan.

Berhenti, mendongak ke atas, di sebelah tiang lampu jalan.

Silau dengan cahaya neon.

Air mata mengalir.

Dia terus mengheret-heret kaki nya.

Dan terhenti langkah di perhentian bas.

Dan entah, berapa lama, dia terbaring di situ.

Untuk apa?

Separuh harapan, separuh lagi cuma hasil tindakbalas badan terhadap pain receptor.

Beberapa ketika dia tertiarap di atas bangku besi.

Hujan makin lebat.

-----

Di tekannya butang kawalan jauh pintu pagar.

Terbuka otomatik.

Si Ibu melihat si Anak dalam kebasahan.

"Macam mana dinner tadi, gembira tak sayang?"

Si Anak cuma tersenyum sumbing.

"Gembira, Mama."

Lalu dia melangkah perlahan.

Membuka pintu, melihat tiada siapa pun di bawah.

Gelap, sunyi.

Di lihat kiri

di pandan kanan

memang dia seorang di bawah

Soaked wet,

Air hujan dari rambut mengalir,

bercampur dengan air mata dan peluh,

sebak.

Dia cuma boleh tersenyum.

17 November, 2010

starfall.

yang datang tak banyak pula
yang pergi pula selalu sahaja.
tatkala aku semakin lut cahaya,
musibah datang dari pelbagai cara.

aku,
semakin berhenti berharap.
kenapa aku tak terima hakikat sahaja?
senang.
tapi,
aku, mengalah ke?

seorang lagi penghibur hati aku dah meninggal.
munchkin si sugar glider.
aku rindu bunyi bising kau bila aku kacau kau tido,
tido bergulung-gulung tu.
dan kau kacau aku baca slide bila tengah malam
dengan bunyi-bunyi kau tu.
kecoh je.
sekarang,
aku dah makin kurang semangat,
sorang.
sorang.
sorang.
aku dah,
tak sanggup nak rasa attachment kepada apa-apa,
siapa.
siapa?

-----

..mari, mari sini.
kau dah cuba sebaik mungkin.
kau patut, biar sahaja,
serahkan pada aku.
keringkan. keraskan.

terang matahari, sedar, walau terang manapun, orang sedar? walau tahu tak lama, terangkan jugak lah. dengan api yang dingin. sehingga, bintang ini, padam.

starfall.

09 November, 2010

oneirophobia

Menunggu tak kunjung tiba,
Lain pula yang menimpa.
Bila tiba, tiba waktu huru hara,
Ah, aku dah bosan mengadu domba.

Sekarang, terpaksa lah. Nasib.

08 November, 2010

even the nights are better.

menggoda. kegelapan. jadi? apa yang menggoda sangat?
dia termenung ke luar.
tidak difokus kepada jalur jalur air yang turun di kaca itu.
banyak.
di sebalik jalur jalur tu, kegelapan.
ditutup lampu bilik.
diselak langsir.
ditolak jendela kaca.
dia melangkah kaki kanan.
cuba merasa, tempat meletak kaki.
tak ada.
disuanya lagi.
kaki kanannya tidak mencecah apa-apa.
ah, lantak.
di kuak kaki kiri pula.
lalu sahaja loncat
steady, but surely, very slow, and light.
warm.
the warmness that will surely melt your heart.
perlahan melangkah.
perlahan sangat, bukan sengaja.
tetapi, langkah yang lemah.
angin menghembus badannya, terasa hampir melayang
seperti menyambut.
dia berdiri.
tegak, mendongak ke atas.
melihat, satelit?
seraya merebahkan badan perlahan-lahan.
walau gelap,
tetapi hitam malam itu, dia masih mampu
melihat awan-awan.
bergerak laju,
selaju angin yang meniup-niup.
rintik-rintik kesejukan tidak dihiraukan.
titis-titis atas kulit mukanya,
dadanya
ibarat menghiris, menikam.
makin lebat,
rintihan hujan yang tak kecil tapi banyak, yang selalu tidak dihiraukan,
lebat sahaja
mengalir ke genting suam
titisan yang beraduk dengan air suam
dari kelopak mata,
turun perlahan-lahan
matanya makin kabur,
dengan memori, impian tidak tercapai,
kekalutan masa lampau,
kebodohan yang teramat,
kealpaan,
kelalaian,
karma yang menanti di zaman sekarang
akibat kelalaian silam,
ibarat pita yang talinya tersimpul,
cerita yang tidak bergerak
tersekat disitu.

rintik hujan makin bertalu-talu
dia masih disitu
entah apa dapat dilihat
cuma penyesalan
dan apa yang mampu di buat
agar dia dapat
menebus kesalahan,
dia redha
jika ini ketentuan Ilahi
dia akan menghiris, untuk menyembuh
yang pasti,
bukan luka dia.

05 November, 2010

a mockery towards myself

idk anymore. I'm getting sick of this. I am depressed.

Can I just like, ran and cross the highway and getting hit by a car, I'll be happy if I'm dead, but I'd be a lot happier if I just, forget everything I went through, forget all the memories. maybe.

God. Oh God. Please. I'm hoping I can be stronger. I felt so useless every time I sujud, and hoping, praying that I'd be stronger, even just a little.

I don't want to give in, I know I'm still strong. I know this is just me, being sissy and stuff. I know I'm over reacting yada yada yada, I know that people have their own problems. Obviously.

I need to be strong, there's no other option.

Maybe I'm just getting sick of being strong.

Be happy. Try, to be happy. Must be happy.

I know I will. I know I'm strong.



lololol.

04 November, 2010

there's nothing good after 2 a.m.

so I walked towards the direction that this heart tells. It's a bit odd because when you don't believe in your heart, you started to do more what you're heart tells you. When the heart is hurt, there's a higher probability to do something stupid, that always come from your heart.

then, what will you do after 2 a.m? just go to sleep.

BEEPPPPPPPPP! wrong answer.

sigh, I wonder if I can really takes that as a good answer. the final is approaching. and the stability still doesn't come. Right now, honestly, I don't feel any good. Only, plain heartache. idk why tbh. wait. maybe not idk why, its because which one. I mean, there's craps been throwing at me at all direction, and it's up to me to avoid all of them. avoiding? more like escaping. Okay, I've tried handling it, but no, it won't do. It's too big for me, I guess. When a shit is done, there's always another, waiting for you. It'll never ends.

So what you do after 2 a.m.? sigh. honestly, just go to sleep. this is a heartfelt advice from me.

do you want to know what I do after 2? heh. naah. it's boring.

this is a small update from me. there's a lot of words I heard from friends, regarding my posts. Most of them said it was pretty good, to my surprise. But really, all of it comes out of my head, spontaneously. I just write, what my fingers hit the keyboard (duh) and it's what I feel. I think. No, I don't really think usually all the time while updating my blog lol. so yeah. a lil update on my life, for those who is interested, and actually, care. lololol.

going back to my kancil. spending time with the one that you know, won't live forever, is a bliss. appreciating what she has done to help me. creating more, and more memories together. aih.

nite peeps.

01 November, 2010

kalaulah nasib, sudah tersurat, begini hebat.. ..apa nak buat.

"Hendak ku nangis..
Tiada berair mata.
Hendak ku senyum..
Tiada siapa nak teman.
Kalaulah nasib ..
Sudah tersurat.
Begini hebat ..
..Apa nak buat.."

Di mana kan ku cari ganti,
Serupa denganmu..
Tak sanggup ku berpisah,
Dan berhati patah,
Hidup gelisah..

Alangkah pedih rasa hati,
Selama kau pergi..
Tinggalku sendirian,
Tiada berteman,
Dalam kesepian..

Dunia terang, menjadi gelita.
Cahaya indah tiada berguna..
Keluhan hatiku,
Menambah derita.
Tetap kau jua,
Tak kunjung jelma.

Dimana kan ku cari ganti,
Mungkinkah di syurga?
Untuk kawan berduka,
Menangis bersama,
..Selama-lama..