15 May, 2011

melancholy, dismal, bleak, sorrow and monotony

so okay, admitting was not really me. it's something i seldom do. i'd rather challenge myself or denying something or worse, run away from it, rather than admitting something that is fact.

it makes me feel bad, considering how hard i tried not to be denial, when i'm trying to stay positive when obviously i don't feel good at all.

i admit that i admit things that i can take it, something that is i can fixed it, or so.

but then, to be honest, admitting your weakness is something i can't possibly do, without help.

when i was a kid i don't stand on my own, i don't smile when i fell down stairs, i don't cycle on my own, and i don't do things on my own, i can't change something, i don't learn something on my own. there.

it's something i've been trying to do since years, and i'm still doing it, yes i admit it now. i'm trying to live on my own. to be self dependent, to look after myself, and to not let other care about you.

it's a bad habit, it's something that annoyed people, and it's something i can't help but to feel that i am okay with it.

i admit, there's not a single soul living knows everything about me. not even my parents. i choose not to. i hate to share most of me, and losing someone who understand you feels -- i can't describe it. theres maybe someone who thinks i'm a weirdo, maybe someone who thinks i'm a freak. or maybe someone who thinks i'm mysterious whatsoever, maybe they doesn't even give a fuck,

but maybe someone did really care.

you can say that i lost hope, or you can say that i'm consoling myself, or you can say that i'm pathetic. because i, don't really know what i'm doing, what really happened to me--

i'm patheticly clueless about myself. i can assure myself this is no identity crisis, i'm not looking for me, but for most of the part of my life is, just live. do something that feels, alive. do something that makes you alive. well when most of the people have something in their mind, already forged their way there, or maybe taking a detour, or maybe trying another route to get there, but i-- i don't really give a fuck. i just, live, whatever my life is the way it was, or the way it's gonna be.

or in other words, aku, redha. well maybe obviously, my past played a big role to this kind of thinking. more like, i gave up, even though i'm trying to survive?

ahhh i'm lost. i don't understand what i'm typing, literally.

but one thing for sure, dear god.

"i don't want to die."

08 May, 2011


ah summer. who doesn't love the sunny afternoon, where you can be lazy, lying around, sweating, drinking tea.. damn. who doesn't loves summer?

oh and, eventhough we're in Malaysia, we actually felt summer too. I'm not kidding. Last month there's freaking storm every evening. This month? Nay. Nada. nil.

Summer means summer vacaytion. Well no vacayyytion really, I'm hunting for jobs. I need money to do what I want, without feeling iritated on how much I've been craving for something, or doing something, when I don't have money. sigh.

oh and a lil small thing. i don't mind if you're following my twitter, i'm just scarred i'll offend my followers, because i never hold back when twitting. it's my pure thought, in that instance.

and i'm sorry to my friends who just recently discovered my twitter. if you guys reading this, meaning you guys officially discoverd my blog too.

and I'm not planning to let any of my ex-schoolmates knew this blog, because they'll be surprised, (most of them were really surprised back then) and to see my other half of my life. sigh. i hate it when things getting complicated.

rotating fan, the sound of the wind blow, the sunlight, gosh, how i love summer.

it actually makes me forget my sadness.

and fuck yeah, I'm going to drive Odyssey! Going for a trip to Malacca. Desperately need a trip somehow somewhere.

i'm leaving home tonight after maghrib, will be leaving for Malacca on monday morning. x)


even with eyes tightly shut, gripping it down, hard.
even when darkness surround me,
i can still feel it,

the sensation, this feeling.
my hand is being held on,
as if wanted me to help,
and the look-- that look.
inside the oxygen mask
with both of the eyes closed,
it hurts.

both of us.
it hurts for me too.
as I can't do a shit,
and my right hand tightly held, by a sums of hardly gathered energy left,
I raise my left hand, and rub my eyes.

I still can't forget. I don't know when will I forget.

01 May, 2011

slurpee and sunset.

Bayangkan waktu kau tengah hilang arah, kau hilang tumpuan, ibarat semua benda dah mula berpaling dari kau, menolak kau melawan arus.

Dan bila kau sedar kau makin terdesak, kau lakukan apa saja yang kau fikir kau nak buat.

Bila emosi mengatasi minda, bila jiwa membentak, bila kau terdesak, apa yang kau boleh campak? Apa yang aku buat, aku ikut kata hati. Hati aku bukanlah bersih mana pun. Kotoq bukan main. Bermasaalah. Tak boleh ikut lojik lagu nasyid yang selalu aku dengaq zaman muda-muda.

"Pandangan mata selalu menipu,
Pandangan mata selalu tersalah,
Pandangan nafsu selalu melulu
Pandangan hati itu yang hakiki,

Kalau hati itu bersih."

So kategori bersih tu aku rase depends ah, ada cakap xsemestinya kau sentiasa buat baik hati kau bersih, tak semestinya kau jahat kau hati kotor. Ah, biaq lah. Bukan tu apa yang aku nak habaq kat hangpa.

Bayangkan, semua benda yang mengusutkan aku taim tu, hilang. Macam susu. Apesal susu? Entah.

12 April, 2011. Aku dah buat keputusan. Waktu tu jugak aku pi. Pi pantai. Ada pilihan, antara Kuantan dengan PD. Aku pilih PD. Sebab? Dah biasa. Lagipun aku bukan nak pi meronda-ronda dekat sana. Pi nak tengok pantai, laut ja. Kalau pi Kuantan hang sesat kang. Tak ka gila.

Jadi aku pergi sana, ikut Semenyih. Huih. Sumpah jaoh. Sebab pa aku pilih Semenyih? Sebab dekat kawasan tu aku bet Papa takdak spy-spy. Payah sikit kalau mana-mana ja hangpa pi ada orang habaq kat bapak hangpa. Naik bas loncat, entah berapa jam dalam bas tu. Tau tau dekat Seremban dah. Lega. Tukaq bas, naik pi PD pulak.

Dekat PD tu, sampai dalam pukul 3. Naik teksi sampai dekat pantai, area pantai bulan? Entah, lupa. Jalan kaki sampai dekat roundabout, nak menghala ke arah teluk kemang.

Sampai dekat sana, around pukul 5. Tapi terik lagi matahari. Apa lagi, bawak keluaq kamera la, start nak tangkap gambaq. Sad to say is I forgot I left my Diana at home, too busy this semester to snap pictures, buy films etc etc. So I borrow Adib's Nikkon instead. I pretty much used to it so I think it's quite okay. Plus Adib totally cool bout it. Thanks!

But there was little to none interesting subjects to snap around. It was weekday, and the stalls alongside the beach, more than 100 stalls I think, only 10 were opened. It was, very, very quite.

Good for me, bad for the camera. Was sitting around when I saw a beautiful couple. Asked their permission to take pictures, but they only allowed me to publish the non-close up pics. I'm okay with that.

So yeah. She's okay - okay lah for me, but the guy is quite jambu. With a dragon tattoo on his right shoulder. Weird.

But soon afterwards some people started to go enjoy the sea water, so I decided to joined them! Memang sexcited gila babs. The water is quite warm for my liking, but still it was enjoyable, maybe I was too excited to care about that.

Notice a family of three enjoying the beach. Grab the camera and snap some pics.

His name is Alif if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, random shot.

One thing I always did when I went to beach is hermit crab! Was lucky to get one inside the water but it was difficult, with the waves and stuff, so it slipped and din manage to take a picture of him. sad.

But fear not! I got myself a replacement!

I think they're quite cute to be honest.

And last and not the leastttttt. The sky. Ah. I was a bit upset tho it was going to rain. The sun was setting, but the cloudy weather doesn't help at all. It's getting dark, and I was afraid I can't get a place to sleep at night, and raining sucks, I can't walk, it's hard getting a taxi and stuff. So I decided it was the end of my journey. Pretty much. Was pretty upset, but heck, I'll take it, better than nothing!

p/s to those who notice the title post, know why slurpee and sunset? i was pretty much back in my memory lane all the way to pd and back at kl.

and if you knew, yeah, most of the story was fiction. 50, or 55%.