20 July, 2010

malam, selimuti lah aku, with your warmness, instead of this cold breeze.

Seorang demi seorang mula mengucapkan selamat malam kepada rakan, taulian, teman, kekasih, pasangan, ibubapa, anak. Semua.

"hey, goodnight!"
"nighty nite!"
"Besok sekolah pukul 7 doeee."
"ah aku givap buat asaimen ni. Tidoq dulu. bye~"
"sleep tight!"
"take care, have a good night"
"aku nak mimpi SNSD malam ni, ciao."
"besok aku keje k gudnite tc o/"

Tak kurang juga mereka yang tertidur tanpa memberi tahu terlebih dahulu.
Penat menunggu? Atau sanggup menunggu sampai tertidur? Siapa tahu.
Seorang demi seorang offline ym. Ada yang tak tutup langsung, biar je bukak. Senang, kalau terjaga tak payah login balik. Agaknya.

Senarai Chat di Facebook makin kurang. Seorang, seorang, lima orang sekali. Lagi seorang. Tinggal lah mereka yang berada di hujung dunia yang satu lagi. Atau orang yang macam aku. Atau orang yang baru bangun tidur. Atau yang sedang membuat kerja.

Ah, aku envy agaknya. Memang kot. Siapa sanggup mengantuk, tapi tak boleh tidur? Sedangkan teman sebilik berdengkur, bercakap dalam mimpi? Siapa sanggup melihat handphone kalau-kalau ada mesej "Dude, I can't sleep. ):", mengharapkan teman?

It's horribly, horribly, painful.

Prayer, bagi tenang hati. Mintak ampun. Doa kan. Semua. Then, → doing something that will make you tired, eg; exercise, sit up. Tak boleh jugak, amalkan, → minum susu + madu. Kalau still tak boleh, lemme introduce you to my wifey. Lunesta. → artificial sleeps.

Mungkin, mungkin. Mungkin aku takut nak tidur.
Trauma? Entah. Tak rasanya. Sebab aku tahu beza antara nafsu untuk takut aku dengan keperluan aku nak tidur. Kenapa aku tak boleh jugak tidur?

Bila malam menyelimuti hari, bila hujan mula membasahi bumi, bila manusia mula berdengkur, aku mula mengatur strategi, untuk memastikan aku tak bosan. Tak sunyi. Tak gerun, dengan kehadiran malam. Supaya aku boleh tersenyum besok pagi. Tak perlu aku dengar komplen dari rakan.

"Muka you semalam macam kena loteri lah, why today you look like you kena rompak?"

Bukan aku tak suka dengar, in fact aku tak ambil kisah, aku suka bergurau begitu. Tapi dalam gurauan pun, kau boleh rasa risau kawan kau. Buat apa perlu mereka risau, kan? Safety measures.

Bila aku baring, memori kembali berlari. Ibarat filem diputar. Kenapa filem, bukan DVD? Sebab filem tak ada remote control, ia menayangkan semua, apa yang kau suka, benci. Tak boleh pilih.

Terima sajalah. Dan berdoa, agar mata kau tidak menitiskan air ketika role, demi role filem itu diputarkan, di tayangkan di layar. Doa, yang mulut kau tidak mengeluarkan keluhan, dan tekak kau, tidak menjerit memanggil nama-nama. Doa, agar memori lama kau tidak akan menjerat kau.

16 July, 2010

random crap

How colorful our life is, deep in our heart, there's a black spot.
That's, a hidden spot.
It's the center of the negativity. Where when it is triggered, the negativity, pours out like heavy rain.

Get this. I hate this. This feeling of negativity.
Trying to get rid of it, but it won't, obviously, go.

It creeps inside me, slowly.
Eating me, inside out. Slowly.
Till it finally consume me.

Fin.

15 July, 2010

*deeper conversation

*sebut nama*
Aizat~
baik.
hm, kenapa?
saja.
kenapa, tak boleh tido ke?
ha'ah.
tu lah, banyak main lagi. pegi lagi jalan merata-rata. makan banyak sgt.
patutnya tu lah buat penat, ngantok, baru boleh tido.
hish. habis tu, kenapa?
kenapa apa?
kenapa tak tido lagi?
rindu kau.
aku?
kau.
aku, atau kehadiran aku?
dua-dua.
kenapa?
the calmness you bring me every time you're around.
I did? well I thought I was annoying to you.
well, my mouth used to say that.
see, that's why. you MUST appreciate your surrounding more.
geez, stop lecture me about life.
oh, okay then, Gandhi. so hows life?
good.
great?
not that great.
not that great?
yep.
will you finish the word, please.
not that great compared to-
to..?
past. our past.
oh. hey, don't say that, you have great friends
i do.
then?
but i used to have you, and im used to it.
now, you have lots of friends, who will take good care of you, who will cheer you up.
but people can change.
i can't?
you didn't
doesn't mean i can't.
you won't
perhaps.
no, you won't.
why are you so sure..?
because you never really leave me? and you said you'll never leave me?
..you really knew me, didn't you.
i'm sure did.
well, I know you, too.
of course
and I know, you are strong
no, I'm not. I'm just a person. a normal human. only human.
hushhh. stop talking.
..why?
because this won't get you anywhere.
....
lets just.. forget about everything. I'm here now.

Tutup mata. Aku ada. Memori kita ada. Mari aku ceritakan.

*****

12 July, 2010

595 ^ 1

Kajian menunjukkan, percutian yang singkat lebih membantu mengurangkan tekanan kerja, fizikal dan emosi, daripada percutian yang panjang.

Fakta, atau auta?

Aku tak kesah, asalkan aku dapat lari dari semua. Bersama orang yang tak dikenali? Tak apa. Siapa kau, aku tak peduli. Janji jangan buat hal. Aku nak buat apa yang aku nak buat. Aku nak buat apa yang aku nak buat, selama ni.

Spontan. Random. Instant. Tau-tau aku dah di dalam bilik kolej, menyumbat 2 helai baju ke dalam bag. Toiletries, oh ya. Sedar-sedar aku sedang mengambil tiket tol. Dalam kecelaruan teringat sesuatu. Diana! Damn. Kereta memecut laju, membelahi kabut.


Sampai pukul 2 pagi. Seolah badan aku dililit batu 2-3 tan, seperti menarik kereta api seperti yang selalu dilakukan oleh mereka yang ingin memecahkan rekod; serupa memecahkan badan sendiri. Mengheret badan ke atas, senyum tetapi fikiran entah ke mana, apa yang di dengar bukan suara rakan, tetapi satu lagi bunyi yang tak pernah aku lupa, yang aku rindui. Ditegur. Disapa. Menyuakan tangan untuk berjabat tangan dengan mereka di dalam, yang sedang menunggu; bukan kami, tetapi sesiapa yang mampu menandingi kad terup King berbunga Club.

Berdiri, tegak. Apa aku buat?

"Apai," Aku tak tahan.
"Ye comel?" Aku mencebikkan bibir. Tak habis-habis.
"Aku pinjam selipar kau?"
"Ambik la, pegi mana?"
"Berak." Apai merenung tajam.
"Bawah."
"Kau nak gerak sekarang ke?"

Tanpa menjawab soalan, aku mengerakkan badan, tangan aku. Memerli. Sambil memakai selipar. Ternampak dia. Puzzled.

"Pegi mana?" Lagi sorang. Isk.
"Bawah"
"Nak ikut!"
Suka hari. Tapi aku takkan memperlahankan langkah aku.

Tak sampai 5 minit di atas, aku di sini, sedang memanjangkan langkah, melepasi kolam renang, satu destinasi. Angin menyambutku. Bunyi yang memanggil-manggil aku. Yang ini ke? Betul ke? Tak kesah. Lalu aku merebahkan badan aku. Peduli apa aku. Macam nangka busuk bunyi. Sakit. Tapi bila terlihat atas, aku ibarat di sumbat dengan berbotol-botol ubat khayal. Khayal kah aku? Oh tuhan.

Tak sedar, dah hampir 20 minit aku begitu. Lalu bangun, berjalan, ke arah kerusi santai yang berderet di tepi pantai itu. Baring. Lega. Puas. Dia menegur, aku menjawab. Kami berbual. Terlihat kelibat Apai. Apa, dia pun nak duduk bawah? Lantak. Fatin memanggil.

"Kenapa?"

Belum sempat dia menjawab, panggilan telefon diangkatnya dahulu. Aku cuma melontarkan pandangan aku, jauh ke hujung horizon. 2 minit, 3 minit, 5 minit, 10 minit. Ah, sukahati. Aku kembali ke kerusi. Sedang berbual, ekor mata ku terlihat sesuatu. Lantas aku menoleh, ke arah langit di hadapan. Serentak juga Nini. Lalu kami berpandangan.

"Tahi bintang!" She exclaimed. She sounds excited. I mean, I am too, but still, maybe I'm recovering from the tiredness of the journey. Who cares. Anyways. Aku masih mendiamkan diri. Alamak, hajat. Apa ya, apa ya.

Oh.

Tapi, mustahil, kan? :)

Teringat kita, yang berbaring bertiga. Oh, apa itu? Kapal terbang. "Idiot, helikopter lah!" Aku tersenyum seorang diri. Seperti pita rakaman aku kembali memainkan memori. Lalu aku mendail no mE. Tidur? Ah, peduli. Selfish? Tak kisah.

*****

"Nampak bintang tu?"
"Yang mana?"
"Yang kelip kelip tu."
Aku masih mencari-cari. Yang mana?
"Yang bertukar-tukar warna tu."
Biru. Merah. Putih. Eh?
"Yang tu?"
"Ha ah, lawa kan?"
Memang lawa. Dia menerangkan, tapi semua, masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. Aku.. berkhayal lagi.


Lalu aku kembali bersandar, melihat langit.

Sambil itu berbual. Dan berbual. Dan berbual. Sampai puas. Aku tak faham, kenapa kau tak tidur? Tak apa, janji aku ada teman. Tidak seperti selalu. Harap momen ini kekal.

5 pagi, Fatin ingin tidur di atas. Aku meneman Fatin ke atas, sambil berbual. Pintu berkunci. Knock knock. Knock Knock. Ah, malas. Sakit tangan, hati jugak. Aku ingin ke bawah;

"Apai"
"..kroih"
"Apai"
"..apa?"
"Abang Apaaaiiii,"
"Ye?"
Aku tergelak.
"Apai, Fatin nak masuk bilik, tidur."
"Okay. Korang?"
"Aku tak." Aku lihat dia. Dia senyum. Takkan lah.

Dan kembali berbual. Pukul 6, dia menyatakan hasratnya. Aku, terkilan. Tak apa, faham. Rasa bersalah, sedih, terkilan menjadikan hati aku tak terkata. Salah aku juga. Tak apa. Lalu aku halau dia ke atas.

Tinggal lah aku seorang.

Lalu aku terfikir. Tentang apa aku soal kan tadi. Betul ke? Yang ini? Baru aku sedar, bukan ombak. Tetapi usikan kenangan.

Lalu kedinginan pagi menusuk hatiku.

*****

07 July, 2010

well, maybe

I've been thinking bout this post a lot. Buttt, I have no guts to posted it, just left it there as one draft, out of thousands. I was kinda afraid might get misunderstood by fellow friends as a jiwang karat person like this fella over here, but thinking that this blog need to be updated, so I decided to post this one up.

Well more like this blog lack something, weird like this one.

Well my hobby is, to stalk people around. Doesn't have to be a friend of mine. And then I find out that their partner was always someone.. unique. Different. So I was wondering, whether this is simply because their taste, like cute or handsome macho guy, but then, hey, you don't always end up with your crushes, right? So when I read Nazrul's post, Cinta Itu Buta, I started to think that,

how would Love looks like, if Love is a person?

Love might be a tall, specky girl who loves to feed random cats that running around her neighbour. Or, loves to drives car. Love maybe loves guy who sped but she's too afraid to speed?And maybe she adores Taylor Swift? Perhaps she can sing like her, or play guitar just like Taylor, who knows? A night person, rarely active on day, but intensely twitting during night time? Perhaps she writes blog, too! Always posting about her life, her boyfriends, her friends, college.

Or maybe she is a very brilliant, kind but at the same time clumsy? That will be cute! She could be good looking, hour glass figure, but at the same time hated her legs? Maybe she is a quite but mischievous kind of girl. Always lurking for opportunity, to attract her partner? Or maybe she's completely the opposite! Calm, patient, very well behaved? With her lady-like figure? She could be as beautiful as Koyuki, but at the same time hiding funny secrets, maybe she likes football, or wrestling? Cool stuff!

Maybe she's living alone in an apartment at Hartamas, or maybe at a bungalow at Port Dickson? Working from 7 to 6, using public transports just like all of us. Maybe she'd prefer boys so that she can control them? Or just so that she can feel young again. Maybe she's a celebrity, who have Jessica Alba's figure with a Jennifer Aniston sweet looking face? Maybe she does online shopping every saturday night. Maybe she's just a next door girl, who always smile at you? Maybe she's a very good listener, and rarely condemned you. Her words makes you felt like you heard a song by yuna, maybe.

Maybe she collects shoes. Gladiators, Wedges, Heels, at least 7 for each types of shoes? Keep up to date with all the latest trend that catches her eyes. She might be the trend setter. Maybe she collects mugs, maybe she dates with your bestfriend? Maybe she's a tsundere? A gamer? Maybe she's a pickpocket who picks wallet that belongs to a handsome guy? Maybe she's a Chinese who fell in love with an Indian guy. Or maybe, she's a bi? Or she's just to afraid to confess to a guy, that she's been admire since her kindergarten?

Maybe she's out there reading this and started to think, what is would Love looks like if Love's a guy?

05 July, 2010

--Theater

I hid the truth in such a brainless heart and I know you knew it from the start, from where it all instigated,
And it has been some waking moments, by the time you should realize,
You'll kill me, when your heart turns you into poltergeist.

I'll bring the roses for you, I'll bring the coffin and I'll bash you deep inside,
I can see you fooling me all this while, don't fucking try to hide it from me,
It's either you or me, or both but someone has to die to join her.

This is our last dance for tonight.
Tomorrow is a brand new day of comeback.
This is our last dance for tonight.
It said that, "The quieter the street, the darker the secrets",
This is our last dance for tonight.
Tomorrow is a brand new day of comeback.

And I hate (you) for giving her up.

Before she dies, you think you could save her?
Before she dies, you know you could save her?

In this theater.. WHERE WERE (YOU)?

I can feel you there.. sad and quite so alone.

04 July, 2010

Sunday Morning.

[6.30 am]
"Bangun, bangun, abang nak balik dah."
Uhhh. *mengeliat*

[7.30 am]
"Aizat, Abang nak bertolak dah,"
Uhh. *mengeliat*
Gosok gigi, turun bawah. Hantar Abang depan gate ramai2, waves. Mama nak pegi pasar, so I dropped her at pasar, while I go buy newspaper.

[8.30 am]
"Hujan ke tu?"
"Ye lah Mama"
"Mama ingat kakak basuh kereta dia tadi"
"Kenapa basuh?"
"Ada burung berak atas kereta dia"
"Nak sarapan apa?" Sambung Mama
"Nasik Lemak. Teloq mata."
"Mama dah beli pulut campoq ikan masin"
"Takpa lah, makan lebih."
"Okay."

[9.30 am]
Bukak mata. Gelap. Sejuk. Aircond baru pasang setengah jam dah sejuk macam kat genting. *Mengeliat*

[10.30 am]
BUZZ!!
Sue buzz. Oh semalam dia ada buzz. Rindu kot. Lame tak chat. Dari kem Mokhdar haritu dia cakap nak sambung chat tapi masing2 busy. Takkan dia asek nak call dari Aussie kan?
Chat.

[11.00 am]
Oke lah sue, nak mandi.
"Okay"

Baring jap. Tengok syiling.

[11.05 am]
BUZZ!!
Oh Fatin pulak. Pagi tadi tga msg die tetido kot. Ah takpe. Chat jap

[11.25 am]
Oke lah Fatin, nak mandi.
"Okay, gosok badan guna berus dawai."
WT.. Kau ingat aku periuk blange ape.

[11.30 am]
Bukak mata. Gelap gile. *Mengeliat.*

Ah malas ah bangun. Graviti jangan di lawan, lagi2 waktu2 camni. Hitam, mata makin lega. Khayalan mula bermain2.

Sejuk.

02 July, 2010

Mekanisma.

"We always forget memory that we want to remember, but we always remember the memory we want to forget."

There is no everlasting memories, only memories that us will remember for a long time, or a short time.

Choice is the only weapon we have, to battle through this, apparently simple life. Wrong weapon, you're dead meat.

Given chance to go back time, I will, make the trip to the past. But I won't, ever, gonna change anything, even the smallest thing. No matter how silly, funny, ugly, horrid my past are, at the end of the day, when I think about it, it is still beautiful.

Although, there's one battle, I've lost terribly. Wrong choice, and the sudden end to a beautiful moment.

The choice will be there again; my belief, or the my feeling of sadness, and guilty, lonely. love.