23 June, 2011

back to reality

really, i should change my way on approaching something, whether it is a sad news or heartbreaking news, or whatever.

please don't get me wrong, i still (at this very moment) not giving up yet, but more like, redha?

whatever. i'm getting tired changing my own fate. i guess my life its not mine after all. bila Dia dah plan something, no matter how hard i tried, i guess i can't defy the fate that beholds me.

come, whatever. i shall try my best to not to go against it. i'll accept, whatsofucking ever.

"jangan give-up, hidup aizat tak sampai separuh lagi pun;"
kalau aku mati sekarang waktu tu dah kire separuh la jugak kan? lol
"---aizat kuat kan?"
yep. that's why i'm still here.
"bila aizat kuat, ---- "
ah kau mmg sentiasa kuat.
"kalau seribu orang nak belasah aizat, lawan je satu-satu; one at a time; jangan give-up!"
maaf, aku dah try. aku lagi rela biar semua orang belasah aku satu demi satu, dari terus lawan dan lawan dan lawan dan rebah; semua usaha tak ada hasil. baik aku terima je semua.
"------ akan sentiasa harapkan aizat kuat, dan tabah, dan happy selalu"
terima kasih kerana optimis. kalau kau tengok aku sekarang, mesti kau tak kenal sape aku.

bak datanglah. apa-apa pun.

15 June, 2011

follow up

balik balik dari hospital terus aku campak sweater aku dalam mesin basuh.

aku benci bau hospital.

and life is not going to end just like that

i can't stand waiting. i get bored of waiting easily. i don't wait people for 2-3 hours. no i don't.

but today, i gladly do that, just like i did wait for 7 grueling hours about 6 years ago.

went to hospital again. it's kinda funny because i keep juggling between hospitals and it seems it shared one common, at least for me; i fucking hate hospital. really, i praised for everyone that worked at hospital, for their sheer determination of gaining money through helping people and at the same time enduring the bleak sad and melancholic atmosphere.

aku tabik spring. seriyes.

every hospital i went, no matter how helpful their staff was, how handsome and funny their doctors was, and no matter how beautiful the nurses, it was depressing. i was very, very, very, very, glad i din take medic, or i'll be in a worse condition then i am right now.

okay back to the story, i went to ppum at petaling jaya, because my dad is going to have a "aspiration" is what they suggested to use to named the procedure, it is less gruesome. it is commonly known as bone marrow biopsy.

now i don't have any bio knowledge, for which i really hate that subject, so i don't really know the terms and whatsofuckingever, but i know one thing for sure.

this is one hell of a procedure to went thru.

the pain can lasted for a week. for me, it was really cruel to be honest, but well it's not like they have another painless option.

so there i was, waiting, and waiting agonizingly and surprisingly today there were little to none. but still, the procedure of doing it from checking the blood etc till the result came out take around 6 hours.

going thru this again, really makes me think, i was half way giving up my life back in 05, and again in 10, but well,

life is not going to end just like that.

i'm enduring the pain of seeing the person i love suffering, again, waiting there like a statue, not knowing any words to comfort, i was really, really clueless on how to help them, i felt like i'm utterly useless, what i thought i can fixed myself after 6 years, i still can't do it.

ah, the agony.

on the way back to home i drive the alfa romeo brera spider, and, no matter how awesome the car was, i still don't feel any excitement at all.


i just have to be strong, and just gather all my strength to go thru this, again.

05 June, 2011

aku benci benci benci benci benci benci hujan. ah ya Allah aku mintak tolong, ringan kan lah beban aku. aku hanya hamba Mu yang lemah.
to be honest, i have lots of things to blog about, but i can't spill it out.

theres too much of things that i'd prefer to tell someone but i figure that it will be better i let it rot inside me, where the idea and the thoughts is twisted enough to bend your straight thoughts of me.

and if i'm telling means i wanted a reaction, which i rarely get. most of them were blanks and silent.

don't worry, think i have enough good memory to blog about. i hope.