28 December, 2010


Honestly, there's a lot of positive things to say. A lot. But hell, idk how, but, somehow, I just, didn't post them into this blog. Semua jadi draft, only to be deleted later.

Bila kita rasa life is now finally began to be on your side, until you realized how much that tiny ray of light is just.. a false hope.

Life is really, a bummer.

And kids, remember, to always listen to your doctor, don't skip your breakfast, your lunch, your dinner, your supper, always eat meds, do whatever that fella in those white clothes told you to do so, cause it's always the best for you.

Or else, you'll end up regretting it. Yes, don't fuck with doctors. They can be scary as hell.

I mean, the consequences.

Anyway. I totally screwed up. And my daily life is going spiraling downward I guess. Days without sleep, I can set a new personal record I think if I keep it up to this pace.


It annoys me why I can't go to sleep. Naturally. Plastic sleep is a sleep just to rest your body, emotionally I feel I'm being cheated, the sleeping pills, it doesn't feel, natural at all.

I know I keep bugging about the same thing, again and again and again.

"Aku terjaga pukul 4 tadi doe, tu yang penat tu, takut tak leh mengaja je ni"
"Aku dapat tido pukul 3 tadi, sorry ah."


Senang, get some sleep lah. Pegi baring dekat mana-mana, tutup mata. bla bla bla

Heh, easier said than done. Cubalah! Kalau kau kena insomnia baru kau tau la sial. Cakap memang lah senang. Kalau macam tu punya kacang, takde nye aku nak bising-bising.

Lari, pergi dekat Kancil. Where I can do whatever I want here. The place where respite are granted, place where I can be comforted, even with the slightest effort.

Tried to sleep, but to no avail. Even when your body shows sign of wearing out, but you still can't even take a nap, it annoys you, really. I was so fucking pissed, I felt like crying. Seriously, no joking. And I comfort myself, I can try later this evening, before going to see doctor.

But just when I get back at home, I got some text messages

"Aizat, kau jaga Duta Palms petang ni, dekat sana takde fasi"
"Huh? Important sangat ke? "
"Ala, bekap je la kitorang. Takde fasi dekat sane"
"Aku dengan si K nak keluar jap, ade hal. Amzar tak balik lagi dari Subang"

This. WTF is this. Honestly speaking, this kind of last minutes arrangement really pissed me off, it is damn annoying you have to cancel all sorts of appointment just for the thing yang korang ada hal? Penting sangat ke woi, sampai takde time lain? Aku ada hal jugak lah sial.

Ah fuck. Sukahati lah. Aku dah redha dah. Dah tak larat nak fikir dah. Kalau nak jadi macam ni, so be it. Yes if you think I'm a spoilt brat yang nak bermanja, SO WHAT THE FUCK? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Aku dah tak larat tanggung sorang-sorang. Sakit sedih aku jugak, orang apa kesah. Fuck.

Thats when this blog and my kancil comes too. Thanks a lot. Gah. You don't know how awesome you are, blog, kancil. Even when I cursed at you, I rants a lot to you, you don't give a damn. You're just, being there for me. Thanks. Aih.

I felt like crying right now. And my body is aching, like hell.

Got to drive to Ampang now. That's all. Bye.

Ordinary feelings.

Lucky you

Hello there, it's been a while.
I'm staring at this photograph, steady eyes, silent lies, distant..
I know you're on your own.

Is there science in this streak of losing?
Lucky you, always confused and perfect
Taking a stand, forget who asked;

"Are you listening?"

I know you're on your own..
Is there science in this streak of losing

Every star, have been called back to work it out
Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart

I see you there, I see you everywhere, drifting
I have a heart, but forget you knew that,
Just breath in, and pretend,

Every star, have been called back to work it out
Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart
To mend your heart?
Your words are poison.

I'll drown every night,
In every moment that you could never hide, before I..
Before I..

Drown, drown every night,
In every moment that you could never hide, before I..
Before I..

Work it out, I'm worded out,
Words are poison
Your words are poison.


So long, we’re leaving December
I’ve learned to breathe underwater
What’s that? Forgiveness?
I have given enough

Slow down, it’s been years since the panic
I’ve twisted a vein to keep the toxins in
What’s next? Reasons?

I have given you mine
I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…

I promise that we’ll fight again in the new year
Lights out as we return to our darkest fears
So what now? Confusion?
I can’t live in the past

I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…

I'll fall back, and catch my breath
Your precious perfect verse, stopped making sense
Forget everything, forget how I made you bleed

I'll fall back, and catch my breath
Your precious perfect verse, stopped making sense
Forget everything, forget how I made you bleed

I’m nervous and wasted
Stop there, I’m naked
I have given you love to another hand
I have given you up

Enough of this faking
Stop and I’ll let you leave
Oh precious virgins, outside every night
I'll be fine

26 December, 2010


Can you take, me higher?

Sengih sumbing. Macam kerang busuk. Aih, bukan main gembira lagi hati dia. Itulah, dah agak. Mesti dia akan bagi restu, mesti dia akan gembira untuk aku. Aku gembira. Akhirnya, impian aku tercapai. Yang aku rancang sejak aku, aku, boleh ingat. Ya, selama itu. Sejak aku hingusan.

"Pergi Warsaw jangan gedik dengan European woman okay?" Pesan dia
"Er.." Lama sikit dia memikirkan jawapan. Saja. Sambil tease, sambil tunggu reaksi. Dan,
"Tengok laaah." Sambil tersengih.
"Tengok tu."
"Haih, tak sanggup nak tengok perempuan lain punnn."

Keadaan sunyi. Awkward silence. Ah sudah, otak, cepat fungsi! Aku tak suka ucap benda-benda jiwang camni! NOOOOO!

"..Thanks, bukan main susah awak nak puji," Ayat-ayat itu dimatikan di situ. Bukan aku taknak puji, aku.. Ish. Gila apa aku, tak bangga pula ada teman sebegini, indah? Pandai, kaya, sweet, dan hot di sebalik sopan-santun dia ni. Isk, memang macam mimpi. Kenapa lah perempuan ni nak jealous dengan perempuan lain yang, tak seberapa pun!

"Eh, mesti lah. Kalau dipuji nanti kembang. Payah!"
"Whatt? Isn't it better? It's you, you yang nak sangat badan yang berisi lah, baru ada hour-glass shape lah"
"Eh mana awak tau?"
"...Thanks, you know this is a big moment for me."
"Yea, tinggalkan lah I dekat sini sorang-sorang"
"Mummy ada, daddy?"
"Ah diorang, kalau ada time pun ajak pegi golf! Are you out of your mind, itu bukan sports pun!"
"Right? Hahaha. Nanti kita tenis sama-sama lagi, and please, sayang. Beat me, fair and square"
"You'll see! I'll practice dekat club with Lily and Haz, and when you get back, you'll forfeit just 10 minutes into the game."
"Heh, mimpilah!"
"Menyesal drag you main tenis, tak tau lak you punya beginner's luck banyak gila"
"Nanti.. I'll call you. Jangan tak angkat."
"Habis kalau tengah ada row-call ke, tengah class ke?"
"I don't care! Even if you sick like a dog, or in bed with Beyonce, angkat jugak! I call, you answer!"
"Yes ma'aaammm."
"Belum kahwin lagi!"
"Ye cik puan intan payunggg."
"Hee. Take care."
"You too, your health, penting."
"Em. Thanks."
"I'll go first."
"Mummy Daddy?"
"Dah jumpa tadi. Diorang cakap nak let you have all the time you need to send me off"
"Tak pun"
"Tak dapat pun, all the time I need."
"Dah, dah! Cepat, nanti lambat" Serentak ekspresi muka dia kembali senyum, bercahaya.
"Yelah. Take care. Bye!"


Dia masih melihat pesawat di luar cermin. Walaupun dia sedar, ada berpuluh pesawat di situ, entah yang mana pesawat dia. Dia cuma boleh melihat, mana tau, dia pun melihat.

Dan air mata yang disekat macam pili tadi, mula menunjukkan diri. Berlari turun ke pipi. Tidak diseka, dibiarkan sahaja. Matanya yang bercahaya, lesu. Penat tidak dapat tidur semalam, gelisah menunggu hari ini, mula menunjukkan kesannya.

Perlahan-lahan dirasakan bahunya dipegang. Di toleh kebelakang.

Mummy, daddy.

"Amar ha, dia cakap confirm-confirm you will cry, no?"
Dia cuma mengalihkan pandangan ke luar. Menahan sebak.
"I think my princess lagi kuat dari ni kan?" Si ibu pula menambah.

Air mata mula turun selaju-lajunya. Merah muka dia menahan sebak. Sabar je lah.

Well, this is the morning after all.

09 December, 2010


Finally back at home. Such a hectic week.

Went to Broga Hills with my friends. Those that went there is.. Adib, Aqeela, Adiba, Faiz, Firdaus, Hafiz, Nazri, Shamim, Syikin.. and bunch of ddc-ians.

broga, 7.28 a.m

Standing; Hafiz, Saiful, Shikin, Faiz/Burn
Sitting; Afuu, Nazri, Shamim

Afuu, Saiful Aizat, Shikin, Nazri

Faiz/Burn, Afuu, Shikin, Nazri
Adiba, Shamim, Hafiz

the reason why my feet still hurt till now.

And we then proceed to Sungai Congkak. Hafiz was in another car so.. he's not there with us. Went there instead of Sungai Gabai, because I pity Aqeela a lot. It's been such a long time she did an outdoor activity, and she's climbing Broga. So yeah. We went for Sungai Congkak.

shikin, shamim, afuu, me, faiz, aqeela, adib

Later that weekend, me with all my siblings, and most of my cousins went Melaka.

It was HELL. will update on another post.

Anyway. About my kancil. After quite a few time in and out the workshop, it is repaired. Well not fully. The piping for the muffler will be changed soon, is what papa planned. hm kay then. I really wanted to test drive the Kancil since Friday. For the note, I sent the Kancil to the workshop on Friday morning. Never got to test the Kancil evetho it is finished by 3 pm. Saturday onwards I drive a Persona to Melaka. Sampai lah Monday. So I missed Kancil, a LOT.

On Tuesday, supposedly kakak ask me to buy her stuff at Tesco, so it's a very good chance to test the Kancil. When suddenly, Mama nak pergi sekali. I felt so devastated, I felt like crying, srysly. That's how much I missed my Kancil.

Today only I drive her. I really, missed the rawness of that car. The small space, the steering, the seat, the noise, everything!

Well that's all for the update. For now. Later peeps.

rotten apple

What happened to the music industry now, really? it's sad. for example here in Boleh land, I was pretty much excited when a certain lady whos name is Yunalis Zarai popped out and burst into the local scene in late 2006, and naively thinking that this will change our music industry.

But it didn't. Yet. Well maybe it's changing, but what I can see is people actually try to copy her instead do their own music. Damn!

Okay that's local. Internationally, well.

Sucks, too.

Justin Biebers, Rihannas, bunch of disco-techno-bound artist started to grow like mushrooms! Ew. And Miley is turning into Britney. Well done.

Honestly, I still can listen to Hip hop. But Techno? At least most of the rapper that I listen they talk about lives, if not their past w/e. Techno, disco music? All about clubbing, and so on. And they create music from, er, computers? I don't know bout you guys, but I don't prefer this kind of music making. I prefer listening to artist who create music from instruments, and singer sang, a song.

And the song, please let it sounds like song. Let it, rhythm.