23 August, 2011

berteduh langit malam ini

macam biasa. aku macam biasa lepak dekat tepi rumah bertemankan lampu-lampu oren taman. aku nyalakan lilin dalam bekas lantern. macam biasa, aku menoleh ke kiri, ke kanan, tak ada tujuan, termenung macam orang bodoh, dan terus hanyut, larut dalam kepekatan malam ni.

kemudian sepoi sepoi angin tiup, diselangi hembusan yang cukup menakjubkan, maha menakjubkan.

dah lama aku tak rasa macam ni. tenang? entah. lega? aku tak reti describe perasaan aku. rasa.. lain. rilekkks je. sambil tu aku masih lagi termenung jauh. macam malam malam lain. cuma kali ni aku rasa lain gila. rasa dunia macam cepat je berpusing.

kemudian entah macam mana, lilin dalam lantern tu padam. ler, biar betul. takpe nyalakan balik. baru je katup balik pintu lantern tu, baru kalih ke sebelah kiri, tgk kolam ikan jap dah padam. ish, pelik. punya lah aku usha tgk sumbu panjang lagi, yelah, aku baru bukak baru kot lilin tu. takkan sekejap dah padam. nak cakap sumbu basah, menyala lawa je tadi. meliuk liuk lagitu.

takpe, try lagi. kalau fail gak kali ni aku givap. bukan malam aku la gamaknya. tutup ke pintu lantern, ushaa je. dan, padam.

kali ni aku memang betul betul tergamam. speechless. aku tak tau apa jadi sebenarnya. kau tau, lantern tu tertutup rapat, dia mcm ada pintu, selebihnya kaca. ada pun lubang2 kecik nak bagi udara masuk, bg lilin tu terus membakar sumbu. dan bagi aroma vanilla keluar. jadi ape jadi ekceli?

dan baru aku perasan. malam ni.. pelik. betul. sungguh. sunyi. kalau tak area rumah aku bising dgn salakan anjing. sebelah kiri rumah aku, selang 2-3 rumah dah ada 2 rumah beranjing-anjingan. sebelah kanan hujung jalan pun ada anjing bebyk. rottweiler lagi. pantang orang lalu menyalak bagai nak rak. nampak kucing pun menyalak macam kucing tu bawak lari anak derang. lane depan rumah aku pulak ada anjing yang duduk depan rumah rafique, yang selalu kacau plan ktorang nak keluar memalam. dog watcher ni ala-ala observer ward mak rafique, selalu menyalak je.

i mean, tiap2 malam menyalak. tapi malam ni, dari lepas taraweh lagi.. sunyi sepi. apa pun tak bunyi.

ada jugak aku cari pokok mane yang rukuq, memang tak dapat la aku jumpa. lawak sungguh. entah la, firasat aku je kot. manusia punya hati selalu memain2kan tuan dia kan?

sambil aku terus observe dan observe.. aku perasan awan selang seli menampakkan bulan.. yang terang. sambil angin tiup.. rasa nak meleleh air mata aku.

apa lagi yang aku tunggu?

*****

selesai solat-solat sunat, aku duduk lepak lagi dekat bumbung kali ni. lagi clear pemandangan. lagi sepi, lagi.. tenang. rasa sayu jap. pilu. layan perasaan pulak.

dan laut hitam ni, aku rasa macam bercahaya.

hati aku memang tengah bermain-main dengan aku kot. mane la tau aku kene tipu dengan hati aku, tapi at least aku ada alasan untuk update blog ni lol.

11 August, 2011

i thought i was 'okay'.


halfway through the day i manage to be fine, smile and act like nothing happened. a biiiig smile, with the usual attitude towards my work, and try hard, focusing at my works.

and i thought i did a very, very excellent job, today. overall. did finish some of my cases, and acting like i'm okay. i mean, i'm always okay. so for today, i'm gonna be okay, too.

but i was surprised when i opened up my profile facebook, everyone wishes me birthday. and i remembered the other day something happened, i was trying to remember today, end up i make it as my birthday.

and sad thing is, my laptop broke down. i can't change it and i totally forgot about it. thus, the wishes.

look i don't give a fuck if you guys think i'm seeking attention or whatsoever, i'm very sorry, god knows how much i don't want to fucked up today, esp since today is the day where everything started going fucked up, until now.

at least, i don't want it to be another fucked up day, so i tried to cheer up and act like usual with the same shit but well, i guess not.

but i admit, i did wrong, so therefore i'm deeply regret on what happened today and thus, no more bday wishes for me. fyi. my bday;

IT MEANS NOTHING FOR ME.

so yeah.









Selamat 5 tahun, SAIFUL AIZAT. semoga kau terus kuat dan kuat dan kuat.

07 August, 2011

dear august.

dear august.

i'm one of billions of people in this world that actually would write this letter to you. i don't care if you are named from augustus caesar or whatever, i just hope that, you don't turn into another fucked up month. because i think, it's about time you will become a lucky month for me, at least just for this year.

the only best thing i can think about you august is that the summer is still here albeit the long day has gone, and the insects are much noisier and much more than any other months. oh and the birds too.

to be honest august, this year sucks. last few months are much worser than i thought it would be. thus i'm not really getting my hopes high that you will finally become my luckiest month of the first half of the year. oh wait, we're in the second half. yes, i am that desperate to have something to believe that something bad not happened to me.

because history shows that luck, happiness, is excruciatingly far from me whenever i bumped into you. i can't remember; i don't think i'm able to find one thing in my whole life, whats so good about you really.

hence i'm writing this letter as a desperate attempt to embrace you, to accept you august.

i hope you will not beat me half dead, i mean, cornered me till the outmost desperate attempt of running away - via the idea of suicide, again.

august, if you think i'm such a dumbass to write this letter to you, or if you think i'm such a fool to try to be positive about the negative waves that you plotted, or if you think i'm such a drama king, or a desperado, feel free to think so, because i am.

i am desperate to go pass the hardships the tests, everything that can stop me from being strong to co-op with the ongoing rush of times, i need to move on, strongly.

so please dear august, be good to me.
can i finish the fiction in time?