28 October, 2010
27 October, 2010
officially today sums up this whole fucked up
First of all, the Monday. There's a vb test. Oh I know how easy was vb. It's a piece of cake. Supposedly. But honestly, I don't feel like I'll get a mark in that test. Yep. You saw it. I don't know if I can't get a mark out of 100 from that test. I tried to be calm, but my oh my. What I can say is that, my mind wasn't ready for the test. I'm not properly on the right frame of mind. So I fucked up. Other people's mind is either at what they read yesterday, but mind, was far from here. Back at home. I was worried about Papa. Always worried. But this time, I can't get it out from my head. Not only Papa. Almost everything flashing in my mind that time. I know, I know. I'm not using this as an excuse, eventhough I read almost everything but all I can say is that, everything I read went down the drain. Absolutely everything. Went to PJ again, (I went there first thing on the morn just to be informed that my Diana's picture is still not finished, so I have to be there on the afternoon.) and collected the pictures. It was pretty sad, because it didn't turned out like I wanted it to be but at the same time I felt very happy with the result. And PJ was hell! Going there is like went through some World War and going out of PJ is like World War II.
That night we went all out on JAVA project. It was very very hectic. Adib and Burn bring down their desktops while I helped them. All of us brought our laptop including the girls. But, not only JAVA, there's a MIS project submission on Tuesday, so instead of JAVA, which only need one PC to do it instead of 4, I went doing MIS. And we started from 0. Burn was focusing on JAVA, Adib was focusing on his team's JAVA, while I'm apparently left from our trio of MIS group, it's all up to me I guess. So that night almost googled every big company in Malaysia but apparently not all of them are completely, complete in their website. After some times it was 3 I supposed, when I head is started to pulsing, so I went for 'painkilling' session. And then I continued and continued until I felt like my head wanted to exploded, then I went for my dear, that always waiting for me to come to her, Lunesta.
That Tuesday morning I rushed, because well apparently I overslept, and it was 9.15 or so when I arrived at the lab and I saw Puan Nik Maria is already there, and I was very worried if I was the last person to arrived, my team presented the project already cause it's quite quiet that time, only to find out that only Burn is there inside the lab. Well because Burn did the JAVA apps quite a lot so I guess I'm presenting it out of my responsibility to the team. I did okay for the presentation I guess. Because of I ate some painkillers earlier, that morning I was pretty calm and not experiencing pain.
That evening, I went for MIS presentation eventhough I'm not that okay after quite a number of unpleasant pain I felt around lunch hour, and presenting the powerpoint slide that Adib prepared. That I have to adjust quite a lot, I thought it was done! Guess not. So when presenting, I mumbled a lot, most probably because of the pain, but I'm blaming for the essay written on the slide!
After that on Japanese class, we're doing an interview, with sensei as the interviewer. It was hell, the first question itself I fucked up, eventhough it's damn easy, it's a free mark! I was restless after the first question, and on my second question I'm out of my breath eventhough she's only asking 'nan sai deska?' I knew the answer, obviously but unsurprisingly, my mind went blanked, again. After quite sometimes, around 30 secs, after 2 or 3 times sensei repeated the question, finally I answered 'jyuu kyuu sai des'. And after regaining my composure I end up being over-confident when sensei shows me a picture of briefcase when I answered kabang, means bag. Haih. Anyway I got 6 out of 10. I know I sucks. I want to take a rest, badly.
Anyway on Wednesday we're gonna have a kaiwa, means dialog, and it's damn long! I have to remember 2 pages of kaiwa! And Didi and Nazrul told me to do a montaj, about our Multimedia project, which we will present on Wednesday. I have to finished my Computer Maintenance's part of the report, and I have to remember my kaiwas, and my laptop sucks, it didn't have Macromedia Authorware. Blame the laptop, for it's just a freaking entry level laptop that it cannot handle too many designing programs. So I'm focusing on my Computer Maintenance's job, which is not long when I started to feel uncomfortable, my head is killing me. I mean, the pain. I endured the pain until 12, that I started to feel very, very, very uncomfortable so I went for painkilling session. Just as I went out of Burn's room, I felt my body temperature rises so I went topless and as soon as I entered my room, I felt sudden jolt on my head, my body is like kicking from the inside, so I rushed, more like dragged my feet as fast as I could, and all I can see is my locker is damn far, when reality is, it's just a few steps from my bed, opened up the door, grabbed the meds, and next thing I know, I.. don't know.
My roomate saw me lying in front of my locker, in front of the toilet, this morning. It was damn freezing, as I did not wear any clothes. And plus, I'm on the bare floor for 6 hours or so, with the wind and all. Then I started to think. Oh shit, the kaiwas, the montaj. What I'm going to do? Well, as soon as I arrived at the campus, I finished up the montaj using Flash instead of Authorware. And after that I went for my Japs class, the last one, I tried my best for the dialog. I'm partnering Ah Fuu (Firdaus) but it's not like I'm prepared. But I end up getting 9/10, minus 1 mark from our creativity mark.
I felt like works come and cornered me in every single direction, it was tiring. I did not getting the sleep I supposed to have and the doctor was damn angry this time. "Bila dalam masalah, baru cari ubat. Tak nak prevent, bila dah lega tak nak makan, serupa lah macam ingat tuhan!" I felt like I was stabbed, it did. He was right, of course. Ah, and Friday ada VB project presentation pulak. How the hell I'll survive this week. I need help, seriously. I don't even have the fucking time, to rant to my Edith! This sucks. With all my pasts are catching up, I felt like my body, is tearing up, literally.
I.. fucked up. Can I just, escape this reality again. Oh well, I can't. I can't run. Or I'll end up like before.. Ahh.. I just.. not that strong, apparently. Trying to hold on since 2006, until now? With all the bullshits threw at me? I.. I'm not that strong. But still trying to hang on. Because, if it's not me, myself, how the hell I'm going to go through this? Guess I'll.. try my best.
17 October, 2010
04 October, 2010
Air turun laju. Gelap. Sunyi. Suasana yang paling dibenci. Tapi, suasana itulah yang dicari. Yang menggambarkan dia. Dia, terduduk, mencangkung. Macam dulu. Cuma bezanya, kini dia di kamar mandi. Air pancut turun tak henti-henti, bersama memori yang diimbas, yang tak mungkin kembali.
Duduk, termenung. Tengah hari tu tak macam tengah hari lain. Bercahaya matahari, tapi tak panas. Tak bahang. Tapi tak menghalang peluh meleleh di dahi Firdaus. Bunyi unggas bersahutan, segala bunyi alam sekitar ada. Pelik, betul ke ni Kuala Lumpur? Matahari kini mula menghasilkan bayang, menandakan sudah lepas tengah hari, sedikit. Pukul berapa? Berapa lama sudah aku dekat sini? Hish, kalau lah jam tu tak putus waktu sesi 'suai kenal' dan 'ramah mesra' baru-baru ini dengan pelajar kelas sebelah yang langgar Firdaus sehingga dia dapat merasa Mee Sup kantin sekolahnya itu agak masin, at least dia dapat agak berapa lama dia akan dapat bertahan di situ.
"Adoi! Sakitlah!" Terasa perit dibelakang badan dia.
"Er, sorry?" Si perempuan itu tertutup mata, takut kena marah. Firdaus tersenyum, tapi cepat-cepat dia tukar senyum, kepada mimik muka marah.
"Sakit lah," Ulang Firdaus.
"Gaduh lagi la tu"
"Tak lah, ramah mesra antara lelaki dengan lelaki lain. Menggunakan physical contact"
"Ye lah, kalau camtu kenapa tak ramah mesra ikut PE?"
"Pendidikan Jasmani, kami sekolah Kebangsaan je."
"Hergh. Benci lah, jangan macam tu."
"Kalau PJ nanti cikgu salah anggap. Kitorang ber'gurau' dan ber'mesra' je. And besides, diorang kelas belakaaaaaaang. Hah, asal lambat?"
"Jom, ikut Haz jap. Kak Sofinas nak jumpa."
"Perempuan, ingat jerr."
"Habis tu nak Firdaus ingat lelaki je? Kang cakap asyik gaduh je."
"Plus nama dia pelik kot. Vivy? Mesti la ingat."
Tanpa menghiraukan bebelan Firdaus dia berlalu ke dalam sekolah. Rasa marah jugak, kenapa dia ingat Kak Sofinas, yang baru sekali dia ternampak, bukan aku, yang dia langgar, tapi masih tak ingat-ingat waktu jumpa kali kedua? Aku ni, tak cukup ke?
Firdaus mengekor sahaja Hazirah. Apa lagi lah perempuan ni. Dah la berjam aku tunggu dia, tapi dia.. ada hal pulak. Busy. Kalau aku tau baik aku lepak dekat rumah. Papa mama memang tak ada, tapi, sebab Uncle dan Aunty yang jemput datang, aku pergi jugak. Jaga hati. Yelah, Uncle selalu buat aku happy. Apa salahnya buat dia happy?
"Firrrr." Isyy ape ni.
"Firrrrrr." Sambil mencekak pinggang.
"Baiikkk. Kenapaaaa." Panjang sahaja dia tarik. Aduh, macam mak orang! Apa beza dia "ya" atau pun "baik"? "Baik"? Macam tak kena bila fikir maksudnya, dengan cara penggunaan.
"Teman Hazirah jap."
"I mean, let's take a walk?"
"We're walking." Saja dia nak bagi sakit hati. Geram tadi tak hilang lagi
"Jom lah, teman. Nak jalan-jalan."
"Penat lah, panas lagi ni"
"Fiiinnee then. Haz pergi sorang-sorang, dekat area damansara ni." Adus, sudah.
"Ikut jalan belakang sekolah ni"
"Takpe ke masuk sekolah ni? Well sebab this is Sri Cempaka. I'm from an ordinary school, sekolah kerajaan je. Boleh ke masuk?"
"Fird! Dah la!" Dia menghentak kaki sambil berjalan. Eh, apa je yang aku cakap ni. Lain aku nak keluarkan, lain yang terkeluar.
Firdaus mengekor sahaja. Tercongak-congak cara untuk meminta maaf. Tapi, kenapa aku pula kena minta maaf? Dia, berlagak macam diva, pemaisuri, aku yang jauh ni kena tunggu dia, biarlah dia rasa sakit hati pula.
"Apa ikut? Penat kan? Pergi lah tunggu dekat rumah with my dad."
"Then with mummy lah"
"He's taking her with him."
"Eiiisshh!" Seraya dia membuka langkah, berlari mendaki bukit, lalu terus ke jalan Pinggiran Setiabudi.
"Eh, nanti!" Gila! Dengan long skirt dan berkot hijau tu dia nak berlari? Tak reti penat ke? Firdaus mula membuka langkah, mula-mula berlari anak. Tapi melihat Hazirah makin mengecil, dan menghilang disebalik bukit tu, dia mule berlari. Dan, sampai juga ke Pinggiran Setiabudi tapi.. dah hilang.
Perlahan dia menuruni bukit tu, menuju ke arah Jalan Setiabudi. Seriously, takkan lah dia menghilang macam tu je. Menusuk hati ke bagai mata pedang ke ayat aku tadi? Ah, bersalah. Karang apa aku nak jawab bila menghadap Uncle, Aunty? Yang penting, Mama Papa dekat rumah. Arhhh. Tapi, apa jadi nanti dengan dia? Kena culik? Kena rompak? Kena.. Oh tidak. Tolonglah, tuhan!
"HAZIRAH!" Terpekik. Terlolong. Tidak. Terduduk Firdaus. Janganlah. Aku.. menyesal.
"How wass'that? Risaukan Haz ke? Ouh, so sweeet." Firdaus terdiam. Terdengar suara dari belakang. Dia terus membisu.
"Tak punn, issshhhhhhhh." Sambil dia menarik-narik pipi perempuan tu. Geram, sangat! Merah delima pipi perempuan tu. Sudah lah kulitnya putih macam kain putih, bila merah saja nampak beza, teramat.
"Ouch! " Seraya ditumbuknya bahu Firdaus berkali. Padan muka kau, aku. Takut tadi. Bangga pulak Hazirah, dapat buat lelaki macam Firdaus tu pucat lesi. Tapi pipi ni, perit terasa.
"Senyum apa, nak lagi ke?" Gertak Firdaus. Ish, boleh pulak buat memain.
"Nothing lah, jum!" Ditariknya tangan Firdaus. "Teman Haz?"
"Yelah yelah." Perlahan lahan dia melangkah, berat. Hati, memang gembira. Tapi, susah dia dapat zahirkan. Tapi perempuan ni. Ah, dia faham-faham sahaja. Suka hati dia saja nak buat apa. Aku, yang terperangkap.
"Nak pergi mana?" Lama Firdaus fikir nak bertanyakan, bunyi macam soalan yang mudah, tapi seolah-olah.. menampakkan kesudian dia untuk teman Hazirah.
"Erk. Ke 7-E lah ni? Eh jap, Haz!" Risau betul, selamba je dia melintas jalan? Risau aku dibuatnya. Pusat Damansara ni, tau lah kereta yang lalu jalan ni sikit sangat. Tapi bahaya, malang tak berbau. Tapi kalau kemalangan, memang berbau lah, bau minyak hitam dan minyak segala.
"Cepat lah Fird!" Melangkah jalan, menyusuri Jalan Setiamurni. Mereka bersembang, saling usik-mengusik. Ada sahaja yang tak kena, walau benda sekecil zarah! Itulah mereka.
"Huh, what else you bought?"
"Oh, this is for you."
"Coke? Er, kay. Thanks. Huh, plaster?"
"Yelah, kang sakit belakang tu." Berdekah-dekah Firdaus gelak. Apa lah yang perempuan ni fikirkan. Terpegun kakak cashier tu lihat Firdaus. Sihat ke tak budak ni. Perlu ke aku ready nak tekan bell in case kalau tetiba ni lakonan, untuk rompakan?
"Haz, hahahahahaha" Tak henti lagi. Ahh, lawak sungguh lah dia ni.
"Ape ni Fird, cakap je la" Makin sakit hati lihat Firdaus tergelak-gelak. Apa salah aku buat? Kot ni ada kotor ke ape? Ade benda ke dekat rambut ni?
"Fird, baik cakap, is there something at my hair?"
Tak henti-henti lagi. Hazirah makin gelisah, apa ni?
"Haz, thanks for your concern but, plaster untuk luka! Bukan untuk lebam ke sengal otot ke ape hahahahahaha!" Merah padam muka Hazirah. Berani dia gelakkan aku depan orang ramai? Nasib ada kakak cashier ni je. Ah, tengok, kakak cashier ni pun tersengih je tengok aku. Eiiiii. Malu!
Lalu mereka susuri Jalan Setia Bakti, menuju ke destinasi asal. Tengah hari tu, meriah betul. Mereka, bergembira tanpa pedulikan mata-mata yang melihat. Ah, janganlah habis saat-saat ini. Bahagia.