27 October, 2010

next thing you know, it's gone.

frankly, there's a lot things I wanted to share. About a certain sugar-glider that my sis is taking care of, about my dad, and my friends. these are wonderful wonderful things I wanted to say. My life is pretty good so far.


officially today sums up this whole fucked up month. week.

First of all, the Monday. There's a vb test. Oh I know how easy was vb. It's a piece of cake. Supposedly. But honestly, I don't feel like I'll get a mark in that test. Yep. You saw it. I don't know if I can't get a mark out of 100 from that test. I tried to be calm, but my oh my. What I can say is that, my mind wasn't ready for the test. I'm not properly on the right frame of mind. So I fucked up. Other people's mind is either at what they read yesterday, but mind, was far from here. Back at home. I was worried about Papa. Always worried. But this time, I can't get it out from my head. Not only Papa. Almost everything flashing in my mind that time. I know, I know. I'm not using this as an excuse, eventhough I read almost everything but all I can say is that, everything I read went down the drain. Absolutely everything. Went to PJ again, (I went there first thing on the morn just to be informed that my Diana's picture is still not finished, so I have to be there on the afternoon.) and collected the pictures. It was pretty sad, because it didn't turned out like I wanted it to be but at the same time I felt very happy with the result. And PJ was hell! Going there is like went through some World War and going out of PJ is like World War II.

That night we went all out on JAVA project. It was very very hectic. Adib and Burn bring down their desktops while I helped them. All of us brought our laptop including the girls. But, not only JAVA, there's a MIS project submission on Tuesday, so instead of JAVA, which only need one PC to do it instead of 4, I went doing MIS. And we started from 0. Burn was focusing on JAVA, Adib was focusing on his team's JAVA, while I'm apparently left from our trio of MIS group, it's all up to me I guess. So that night almost googled every big company in Malaysia but apparently not all of them are completely, complete in their website. After some times it was 3 I supposed, when I head is started to pulsing, so I went for 'painkilling' session. And then I continued and continued until I felt like my head wanted to exploded, then I went for my dear, that always waiting for me to come to her, Lunesta.

That Tuesday morning I rushed, because well apparently I overslept, and it was 9.15 or so when I arrived at the lab and I saw Puan Nik Maria is already there, and I was very worried if I was the last person to arrived, my team presented the project already cause it's quite quiet that time, only to find out that only Burn is there inside the lab. Well because Burn did the JAVA apps quite a lot so I guess I'm presenting it out of my responsibility to the team. I did okay for the presentation I guess. Because of I ate some painkillers earlier, that morning I was pretty calm and not experiencing pain.

That evening, I went for MIS presentation eventhough I'm not that okay after quite a number of unpleasant pain I felt around lunch hour, and presenting the powerpoint slide that Adib prepared. That I have to adjust quite a lot, I thought it was done! Guess not. So when presenting, I mumbled a lot, most probably because of the pain, but I'm blaming for the essay written on the slide!

After that on Japanese class, we're doing an interview, with sensei as the interviewer. It was hell, the first question itself I fucked up, eventhough it's damn easy, it's a free mark! I was restless after the first question, and on my second question I'm out of my breath eventhough she's only asking 'nan sai deska?' I knew the answer, obviously but unsurprisingly, my mind went blanked, again. After quite sometimes, around 30 secs, after 2 or 3 times sensei repeated the question, finally I answered 'jyuu kyuu sai des'. And after regaining my composure I end up being over-confident when sensei shows me a picture of briefcase when I answered kabang, means bag. Haih. Anyway I got 6 out of 10. I know I sucks. I want to take a rest, badly.

Anyway on Wednesday we're gonna have a kaiwa, means dialog, and it's damn long! I have to remember 2 pages of kaiwa! And Didi and Nazrul told me to do a montaj, about our Multimedia project, which we will present on Wednesday. I have to finished my Computer Maintenance's part of the report, and I have to remember my kaiwas, and my laptop sucks, it didn't have Macromedia Authorware. Blame the laptop, for it's just a freaking entry level laptop that it cannot handle too many designing programs. So I'm focusing on my Computer Maintenance's job, which is not long when I started to feel uncomfortable, my head is killing me. I mean, the pain. I endured the pain until 12, that I started to feel very, very, very uncomfortable so I went for painkilling session. Just as I went out of Burn's room, I felt my body temperature rises so I went topless and as soon as I entered my room, I felt sudden jolt on my head, my body is like kicking from the inside, so I rushed, more like dragged my feet as fast as I could, and all I can see is my locker is damn far, when reality is, it's just a few steps from my bed, opened up the door, grabbed the meds, and next thing I know, I.. don't know.

My roomate saw me lying in front of my locker, in front of the toilet, this morning. It was damn freezing, as I did not wear any clothes. And plus, I'm on the bare floor for 6 hours or so, with the wind and all. Then I started to think. Oh shit, the kaiwas, the montaj. What I'm going to do? Well, as soon as I arrived at the campus, I finished up the montaj using Flash instead of Authorware. And after that I went for my Japs class, the last one, I tried my best for the dialog. I'm partnering Ah Fuu (Firdaus) but it's not like I'm prepared. But I end up getting 9/10, minus 1 mark from our creativity mark.

I felt like works come and cornered me in every single direction, it was tiring. I did not getting the sleep I supposed to have and the doctor was damn angry this time. "Bila dalam masalah, baru cari ubat. Tak nak prevent, bila dah lega tak nak makan, serupa lah macam ingat tuhan!" I felt like I was stabbed, it did. He was right, of course. Ah, and Friday ada VB project presentation pulak. How the hell I'll survive this week. I need help, seriously. I don't even have the fucking time, to rant to my Edith! This sucks. With all my pasts are catching up, I felt like my body, is tearing up, literally.

I.. fucked up. Can I just, escape this reality again. Oh well, I can't. I can't run. Or I'll end up like before.. Ahh.. I just.. not that strong, apparently. Trying to hold on since 2006, until now? With all the bullshits threw at me? I.. I'm not that strong. But still trying to hang on. Because, if it's not me, myself, how the hell I'm going to go through this? Guess I'll.. try my best.


Tya Matdiah said...

hang in there.
i know i'm not helping with anything.
i don't know how to help.
just hang in there okay.

saiful aizat said...

lol don't worry. you have your own problems too right? read your blog and all. and I'm strong. yeah I know I am. well, lets hang on, shall we?

Anonymous said...

gambatte kudasai!

aldo C said...

be a man.
semangat sikit.