november rain

well i guess the storms washed out my luck like water inside a drain on a rainy day.

i mistakenly punched the wrong copy of the summons letter i'm doing rite now, and it's kinda at the last phase before the summons are sent at the appropriate court, and thus i have to do it all over again, which is HARD WORK, and well, i failed twice. in succession. sigh.

during lunch i rushed to kl central to buy a train ticket. never informed my mom (was driving her Merc) and i start to feel 'unlucky'. yep, that kind of feeling i always mention about.

and then, the sky started to break, the cloud was grumbling, and the rain started to fall, heavily.

i stopped my car at the klia express drop-off point. saw a van got clammed, so i guess the police went away. park my car, rushed toward the counter ticket which was like, on the other side, only to find out you have to wait for the number thing. so i take a number, which is 426, and as the current number is like, 405, and i started to feel wrong, stronger this time, i rushed towards my car.

and when i get there, the police just finished clamping that merc.

"Adik lambat 10 saat je dik, kalau tak kitorang boleh je bukak. Ni abang dah tulis dalam resit ape ni.. takleh buat ape la dik.."

So I have to pay the fine at a police station inside kl central. and that freaking place is like, beside the ticketing counter? i was cursing my luck and myself allll the way there.

tried my luck again, manatau the police inside there can help me. and i lied about i parked inside kl central before but just as i went outside the parking lot, i had a stomach ache or something but yeah;

"Adik, abang kesian dekat adik, tapi nak buat macam mana, ni procedure dekat sentral, abang punya kereta pun pernah kena"

i was like damn.

but i proceed to the ticketing counter and only to find out, the number went from 405 to 410 in like, half an hour? i was like wtf wtf because i had to go back at my office before 2 for obvious reason, and, i can't stand waiting. it's torturing.

then an indian woman came and ask how to press the number machine so i pressed for her, and continue my waiting.

about 5 mins later a chinese woman in front of me asked the counter in a rather loud voice whether she should queue (apparently there's people lining in front of the counter while the numbering system seems not working) and the malay girl inside the counter replied with a louder voice "Pukul 2 beratur" and i was like wtf apa benda pukul 2 beratur?

and then only WE know that people going to board the train at 2 can "cut queue & the lengthy wait" by queing in front of the counter. there's nobody, inside the area, other than 2 staff, and those 2 people are handling the ticket counter. nice right?

so the chinese woman earlier get in the line, and, she gave her number at the indian woman whom i help earlier. do notice that she arrived later than me, plus i helped her get her number, and then, she's the next person in the waiting list (#415).

i was on the verge on giving up until i think god show me a little bit of His mercy and power, i saw a #419 ticket number, while it's only a wee bit different than my #426 but still, every seconds count, and i managed to buy the ticket.

oh i forgot one thing. after punching (no pun intended) the punch-card, i, like every goverment servant, went down for a breakfast, with the only different was i went loitering around with my mom's car, of course, without her consent. and after 8.00 i'll go back to my workplace, and start my work. now there's a reason why i chose to go to my 16th floor, is because the 3 out of 6 are breakdown, and the building i work have at least 700 workers, so, sharing 3 lifts with them is a bit unwise no? i chose to take the lift at 8.15, where people on the 8 am shift already went up but when i get there, the lobby was flooded with people, and to my amaze, the forth lift trapped some 15 people inside.

so climbing 16th floor up? not really a good way to start your work. nevertheless i manage to hastily arrived at my floor safely.

so today is no good. same goes for yesterday, and the day before that.

and i think all the wayyy after this, too. sigh. nevermind.

kau patut buat tak tahu

harini dah sabtu. besok dah ahad. sigh.

setiap hari masa berlalu perlahan. setiap hari apa je yang aku nampak dari tingkap tu? benda yang sama. setiap hari aku termenung skrin komputer. setiap hari aku terbaring atas karpet.

menghitung detik.

jadi harini sabtu. besok dah ahad.

tapi ape aku buat? i mean, apa aku BOLEH buat? nothing. daripada cuba memahami kau ibarat cuba menambah garam dalam luka. aku NAK keluar. aku NAK buat apa sahaja.

tak ke faham yang aku DAH REJECT even BENDA yang aku dapat FREE? boleh brain tak?

dan kau patut biarkan aku sahaja, dari acah-acah. buat apa muncul untuk 5 saat? baik aku lenyapkan diri aku sudah.

kau patut buat tak tahu. kau patut biar aku terus alang-alang.

fikir aku kau dah berubah, rupanya sama sahaja. aku yang patut ubah aku.

lagi, lagi, dan lagi.

hujan lagi. aku tak boleh la macam ni. kenapa aku affected sangat dengan hujan?
hujan hujan hujan.
aku nak jadi macam orang lain yang boleh tidoq macam xdak apa waktu hujan.
yang menunggu hujan.




tiap kali hujan, aku sebahagian sedar, sebahagian berhalusinasi, sebahagian terjerit-jerit.
menyedihkan.

work-a-holic.

today was a bit fucked up. i kenot lepak at the pantry for the whole day, and to makes thing worse, i passed out in front of the punch card machine thingy. once i wake up they were kinda a big buzz about it, and although i insist everything was exaggerated a bit too much,  they were sooo keen on telling my mum. i begged and begged, i don't know how long since i begged this hard.

so anyway, the things to ponder is, either is my body is exhausted, lack fitness etc or i handled too much stress. I don't believe in the second, as much as I don't believe in the first one. So I decided to test my body to the max this late evening, and I managed to cover a distance of about 2-3kms non stop jogging, which is a bit fair considering I stop running consistently like, YEARS ago? though my body is feeling like tearing apart; the same feeling that you'll get if you not sleeping for like 2-3 days or so, but I think, it's not my body that's failing me.

so that, maybe explain why I become something that I never imagined I'll become, a workaholic. My colleague; those 3 units I've been so far, always tell me to take things slowly, don't over-worked, but I think I can do better, besides,

I can't do nothing. If I just sit around, takes thing slowly, first, I'll become lazier and tired by passing seconds, most probably because lack of sleep I guess, and secondly I started to think things. Or remember things.

Immersing myself into work.. is something I cannot brain myself, let alone my friends.

But, it's a simple thing; Do that complicated, tricky, technical works, try to complete it, and you don't have time to think about other stuff.

Exactly what I needed. So how?

*deeper conversation

*sebut nama*
Aizat~
baik.
hm, kenapa?
saja.
kenapa, tak boleh tido ke?
ha'ah.
tu lah, banyak main lagi. pegi lagi jalan merata-rata. makan banyak sgt.
patutnya tu lah buat penat, ngantok, baru boleh tido.
hish. habis tu, kenapa?
kenapa apa?
kenapa tak tido lagi?
rindu kau.
aku?
kau.
aku, atau kehadiran aku?
dua-dua.
kenapa?
the calmness you bring me every time you're around.
I did? well I thought I was annoying to you.
well, my mouth used to say that.
see, that's why. you MUST appreciate your surrounding more.
geez, stop lecture me about life.
oh, okay then, Gandhi. so hows life?
good.
great?
not that great.
not that great?
yep.
will you finish the word, please.
not that great compared to-
to..?
past. our past.
oh. hey, don't say that, you have great friends
i do.
then?
but i used to have you, and im used to it.
now, you have lots of friends, who will take good care of you, who will cheer you up.
but people can change.
i can't?
you didn't
doesn't mean i can't.
you won't
perhaps.
no, you won't.
why are you so sure..?
because you never really leave me? and you said you'll never leave me?
..you really knew me, didn't you.
i'm sure did.
well, I know you, too.
of course
and I know, you are strong
no, I'm not. I'm just a person. a normal human. only human.
hushhh. stop talking.
..why?
because this won't get you anywhere.
....
lets just.. forget about everything. I'm here now.

Tutup mata. Aku ada. Memori kita ada. Mari aku ceritakan.

*****