08 September, 2011

here we go.

i really don't know how to start this. i was thinking maybe a "dear diary i'm very sorry" or "i've been neglecting you a lot" or maybe just a hi. it's not that nothing happens to me, tho in fact, a lot happened. 

working right now, graduating end of september, holiday, raya, puasa, merdeka.. and holiday before puasa. and pd. 

you know i was very stupid when i said last year i think i can't go down anymore because i thought things are at their worst, and it should start getting better, but it did not. so i'm not going to be such a dumbass to write this, but this year, sucks. suckier than last year. last year was better. at least i've got Penang. and PD. and it was not until this may or june or july i only knew what i believe since last year, was all bullshits.

and it's not helping me at all. 

last year i remember that raya was a bit happier, a bit more happening compared to this year. sorry, i mean, a lot. i didn't even send any single soul selamat hari raya. thus i'm taking this opportunity to say that i'm really sorry, and i'd be happier if i send raya greeting, even if it's via sms. lagilah kad raya. sigh.

i finished my study at utm on may. or wassit june? idk. i kinda missed the campus life to be honest. free, studying in kl, hanging around with friends, dinner with friends, yada yada.. it was fun, really, really fun. but funny things tho, right now, working, earning money on your own effort, i felt that i wouldn't want to stop. hell, if there's a vacancy for permanent position, maybe i'll grab it. 

plus, when you're working, all of your energy is focused on your works, and you spent more time with papers and casses than your family, and your laptop, or your handphone. work, have become a distraction. a good distraction, away from what i think as my harsh unacceptable life. 

well at least last year teaches me not to put your hopes high enough, because the higher you place your hope, the lower you'll be once it started to eat you up. again.

i mean i don't know why i still continue to put my faith in the same thing that betrayed me over and over and over again. would you put yours at something or someone that has repeatedly cheating you? have you ever had the heart to start believing again, not once, but countless time? and that's not even metaphorically. i bet once you feel cheated, you'll stop believing and start moving on, why bother at things that you can't trust anymore right?

also, i learnt to stop thinking that i'll find a really good friend, or close friend, or buddies, or whatever. frankly, everyone will leave you eventually, it's just a matter of time. so i'd better start labelling my friends as colleague, or classmates, or whatever. maybe that's a safer choice. i think. 

last year thought me to be a pessimist. well for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimist now. 

at least this year i can blew off my steam with some fictions, though i can't see when i'm going to write again, same goes to this blog, as i'm working right now. 

and at least this year's ramadhan was.. special, compared to last year. 

yesterday, i was typing half way when somebody called me, so we chatted a bit, and after consulting and asking her opinions, she said it'd be better if i kept it to myself. maybe. so i scraped it in the draft folder. tho i had a perfect title for it; stranger things have happened to me.

i don't know what else to talk about. oh and my kancil.. same old story. budget for her treatment will go to my bro's car or my sis's car, or my mum's i think. i feel like crying to be honest, i can't do a thing for her eventho she's been helping me, she's there to help me or whatever, when i was down, when i was sad, when people lied to me, when.. whatever. you guys get the idea right? it's the same thing over and over again.

this year, if everything goes well, i'll go to edinburgh. maybe after that to paris or spain. with my own money. so i should stop complain about work and start to gather all my strength and energy, and start doing work nicely. 

it's funny, seeing how i treated august as my last month of the year and september where life started again. 

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