Fibres

Honestly, there's a lot of positive things to say. A lot. But hell, idk how, but, somehow, I just, didn't post them into this blog. Semua jadi draft, only to be deleted later.

Bila kita rasa life is now finally began to be on your side, until you realized how much that tiny ray of light is just.. a false hope.

Life is really, a bummer.

And kids, remember, to always listen to your doctor, don't skip your breakfast, your lunch, your dinner, your supper, always eat meds, do whatever that fella in those white clothes told you to do so, cause it's always the best for you.

Or else, you'll end up regretting it. Yes, don't fuck with doctors. They can be scary as hell.

I mean, the consequences.

Anyway. I totally screwed up. And my daily life is going spiraling downward I guess. Days without sleep, I can set a new personal record I think if I keep it up to this pace.

I AM FUCKING JEALOUS TO THOSE THAT CAN SLEEP. YES.

It annoys me why I can't go to sleep. Naturally. Plastic sleep is a sleep just to rest your body, emotionally I feel I'm being cheated, the sleeping pills, it doesn't feel, natural at all.

I know I keep bugging about the same thing, again and again and again.

"Aku terjaga pukul 4 tadi doe, tu yang penat tu, takut tak leh mengaja je ni"

"Aku dapat tido pukul 3 tadi, sorry ah."

WTF? AT LEAST YOU GUYS GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP FOR FUCK SAKE.

Senang, get some sleep lah. Pegi baring dekat mana-mana, tutup mata. bla bla bla

Heh, easier said than done. Cubalah! Kalau kau kena insomnia baru kau tau la sial. Cakap memang lah senang. Kalau macam tu punya kacang, takde nye aku nak bising-bising.

Lari, pergi dekat Kancil. Where I can do whatever I want here. The place where respite are granted, place where I can be comforted, even with the slightest effort.

Tried to sleep, but to no avail. Even when your body shows sign of wearing out, but you still can't even take a nap, it annoys you, really. I was so fucking pissed, I felt like crying. Seriously, no joking. And I comfort myself, I can try later this evening, before going to see doctor.

But just when I get back at home, I got some text messages

"Aizat, kau jaga Duta Palms petang ni, dekat sana takde fasi"

"Huh? Important sangat ke? "

"Ala, bekap je la kitorang. Takde fasi dekat sane"

"Asal?"

"Aku dengan si K nak keluar jap, ade hal. Amzar tak balik lagi dari Subang"

This. WTF is this. Honestly speaking, this kind of last minutes arrangement really pissed me off, it is damn annoying you have to cancel all sorts of appointment just for the thing yang korang ada hal? Penting sangat ke woi, sampai takde time lain? Aku ada hal jugak lah sial.

Ah fuck. Sukahati lah. Aku dah redha dah. Dah tak larat nak fikir dah. Kalau nak jadi macam ni, so be it. Yes if you think I'm a spoilt brat yang nak bermanja, SO WHAT THE FUCK? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Aku dah tak larat tanggung sorang-sorang. Sakit sedih aku jugak, orang apa kesah. Fuck.

Thats when this blog and my kancil comes too. Thanks a lot. Gah. You don't know how awesome you are, blog, kancil. Even when I cursed at you, I rants a lot to you, you don't give a damn. You're just, being there for me. Thanks. Aih.

I felt like crying right now. And my body is aching, like hell.

Got to drive to Ampang now. That's all. Bye.

Ordinary feelings.

Lucky you

Hello there, it's been a while.

I'm staring at this photograph, steady eyes, silent lies, distant..

I know you're on your own.

Is there science in this streak of losing?

Lucky you, always confused and perfect

Taking a stand, forget who asked;

"Are you listening?"

I know you're on your own..

Is there science in this streak of losing

Every star, have been called back to work it out

Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart

I see you there, I see you everywhere, drifting

I have a heart, but forget you knew that,

Just breath in, and pretend,

Every star, have been called back to work it out

Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart

To mend your heart?

Your words are poison.

I'll drown every night,

In every moment that you could never hide, before I..

Before I..

Drown, drown every night,

In every moment that you could never hide, before I..

Before I..

Work it out, I'm worded out,

Words are poison

Your words are poison.

December

So long, we’re leaving December
I’ve learned to breathe underwater
What’s that? Forgiveness?
I have given enough

Slow down, it’s been years since the panic
I’ve twisted a vein to keep the toxins in
What’s next? Reasons?

I have given you mine
I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…
....

I promise that we’ll fight again in the new year
Lights out as we return to our darkest fears
So what now? Confusion?
I can’t live in the past

I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…
....

I'll fall back, and catch my breath
Your precious perfect verse, stopped making sense
Forget everything, forget how I made you bleed

I'll fall back, and catch my breath
Your precious perfect verse, stopped making sense
Forget everything, forget how I made you bleed

I’m nervous and wasted
Stop there, I’m naked
I have given you love to another hand
I have given you up

Enough of this faking
Stop and I’ll let you leave
Oh precious virgins, outside every night
I'll be fine

Right?

--higher

Can you take, me higher?

Sengih sumbing. Macam kerang busuk. Aih, bukan main gembira lagi hati dia. Itulah, dah agak. Mesti dia akan bagi restu, mesti dia akan gembira untuk aku. Aku gembira. Akhirnya, impian aku tercapai. Yang aku rancang sejak aku, aku, boleh ingat. Ya, selama itu. Sejak aku hingusan.

"Pergi Warsaw jangan gedik dengan European woman okay?" Pesan dia

"Er.." Lama sikit dia memikirkan jawapan. Saja. Sambil tease, sambil tunggu reaksi. Dan,

"Amran!"

"Tengok laaah." Sambil tersengih.

"Tengok tu."

"Haih, tak sanggup nak tengok perempuan lain punnn."

Keadaan sunyi. Awkward silence. Ah sudah, otak, cepat fungsi! Aku tak suka ucap benda-benda jiwang camni! NOOOOO!

"..Thanks, bukan main susah awak nak puji," Ayat-ayat itu dimatikan di situ. Bukan aku taknak puji, aku.. Ish. Gila apa aku, tak bangga pula ada teman sebegini, indah? Pandai, kaya, sweet, dan hot di sebalik sopan-santun dia ni. Isk, memang macam mimpi. Kenapa lah perempuan ni nak jealous dengan perempuan lain yang, tak seberapa pun!

"Eh, mesti lah. Kalau dipuji nanti kembang. Payah!"

"Whatt? Isn't it better? It's you, you yang nak sangat badan yang berisi lah, baru ada hour-glass shape lah"

"Eh mana awak tau?"

"Eeeii!"

"...Thanks, you know this is a big moment for me."

"Yea, tinggalkan lah I dekat sini sorang-sorang"

"Mummy ada, daddy?"

"Ah diorang, kalau ada time pun ajak pegi golf! Are you out of your mind, itu bukan sports pun!"

"Right? Hahaha. Nanti kita tenis sama-sama lagi, and please, sayang. Beat me, fair and square"

"You'll see! I'll practice dekat club with Lily and Haz, and when you get back, you'll forfeit just 10 minutes into the game."

"Heh, mimpilah!"

"Menyesal drag you main tenis, tak tau lak you punya beginner's luck banyak gila"

"Righhhtt."

"Nanti.. I'll call you. Jangan tak angkat."

"Habis kalau tengah ada row-call ke, tengah class ke?"

"I don't care! Even if you sick like a dog, or in bed with Beyonce, angkat jugak! I call, you answer!"

"Yes ma'aaammm."

"Belum kahwin lagi!"

"Ye cik puan intan payunggg."

"Hee. Take care."

"You too, your health, penting."

"Em. Thanks."

"I'll go first."

"Mummy Daddy?"

"Dah jumpa tadi. Diorang cakap nak let you have all the time you need to send me off"

"Tak pun"

"Ha?"

"Tak dapat pun, all the time I need."

"Er."

"Dah, dah! Cepat, nanti lambat" Serentak ekspresi muka dia kembali senyum, bercahaya.

"Yelah. Take care. Bye!"

---

Dia masih melihat pesawat di luar cermin. Walaupun dia sedar, ada berpuluh pesawat di situ, entah yang mana pesawat dia. Dia cuma boleh melihat, mana tau, dia pun melihat.

Dan air mata yang disekat macam pili tadi, mula menunjukkan diri. Berlari turun ke pipi. Tidak diseka, dibiarkan sahaja. Matanya yang bercahaya, lesu. Penat tidak dapat tidur semalam, gelisah menunggu hari ini, mula menunjukkan kesannya.

Perlahan-lahan dirasakan bahunya dipegang. Di toleh kebelakang.

Mummy, daddy.

"Amar ha, dia cakap confirm-confirm you will cry, no?"

Dia cuma mengalihkan pandangan ke luar. Menahan sebak.

"I think my princess lagi kuat dari ni kan?" Si ibu pula menambah.

Air mata mula turun selaju-lajunya. Merah muka dia menahan sebak. Sabar je lah.

Well, this is the morning after all.

crumbs

Finally back at home. Such a hectic week.

Went to Broga Hills with my friends. Those that went there is.. Adib, Aqeela, Adiba, Faiz, Firdaus, Hafiz, Nazri, Shamim, Syikin.. and bunch of ddc-ians.

broga, 7.28 a.m

Standing; Hafiz, Saiful, Shikin, Faiz/Burn

Sitting; Afuu, Nazri, Shamim

Afuu, Saiful Aizat, Shikin, Nazri

Faiz/Burn, Afuu, Shikin, Nazri

Adiba, Shamim, Hafiz

the reason why my feet still hurt till now.

And we then proceed to Sungai Congkak. Hafiz was in another car so.. he's not there with us. Went there instead of Sungai Gabai, because I pity Aqeela a lot. It's been such a long time she did an outdoor activity, and she's climbing Broga. So yeah. We went for Sungai Congkak.

shikin, shamim, afuu, me, faiz, aqeela, adib

Later that weekend, me with all my siblings, and most of my cousins went Melaka.

It was HELL. will update on another post.

Anyway. About my kancil. After quite a few time in and out the workshop, it is repaired. Well not fully. The piping for the muffler will be changed soon, is what papa planned. hm kay then. I really wanted to test drive the Kancil since Friday. For the note, I sent the Kancil to the workshop on Friday morning. Never got to test the Kancil evetho it is finished by 3 pm. Saturday onwards I drive a Persona to Melaka. Sampai lah Monday. So I missed Kancil, a LOT.

On Tuesday, supposedly kakak ask me to buy her stuff at Tesco, so it's a very good chance to test the Kancil. When suddenly, Mama nak pergi sekali. I felt so devastated, I felt like crying, srysly. That's how much I missed my Kancil.

Today only I drive her. I really, missed the rawness of that car. The small space, the steering, the seat, the noise, everything!

Well that's all for the update. For now. Later peeps.

rotten apple

What happened to the music industry now, really? it's sad. for example here in Boleh land, I was pretty much excited when a certain lady whos name is Yunalis Zarai popped out and burst into the local scene in late 2006, and naively thinking that this will change our music industry.

But it didn't. Yet. Well maybe it's changing, but what I can see is people actually try to copy her instead do their own music. Damn!

Okay that's local. Internationally, well.

Sucks, too.

Justin Biebers, Rihannas, bunch of disco-techno-bound artist started to grow like mushrooms! Ew. And Miley is turning into Britney. Well done.

Honestly, I still can listen to Hip hop. But Techno? At least most of the rapper that I listen they talk about lives, if not their past w/e. Techno, disco music? All about clubbing, and so on. And they create music from, er, computers? I don't know bout you guys, but I don't prefer this kind of music making. I prefer listening to artist who create music from instruments, and singer sang, a song.

And the song, please let it sounds like song. Let it, rhythm.

Look Alive, Sunshine.

okay, my NAN 14 is rolling again! 

Ahh, damn, now I just proved that I can't be away with my kancil even for only a day ♥ 

I was practically being a sad person this 2 weeks. 

Sebab well, she's not here that white kancil.

I send her for overhauling. 

It's been a while since the last time she's been a workshop, for a check-up.

..More like I never had the time,

Or maybe I just don't want to send her away from me. T_T 

But anyway, she's back yo. 

And peeps in Bandar Country Homes are sooo not going to be happy with it. mfufufufu. 

And old story, I need moolah! 

I want to buy a deskie as soon as possible! 

Getting sick playing PES 2011 in my lappie. So laggie. Damn. 

Going to be away for a while after this, I think. Kerjaaa. 

Moolah!

and some personal time with Kancil. Around KL, againnn. Hahaha.

Dah buat appointment with my Kancil. 

I want to spend my time with her, just in case tak sempat lah kan. ;)

Again, just a small update. haha

kenapa?

kenapa?
soalan macam ni selalu akan disusuli dengan alasan.
aku macam dah penat. asyik dengan alasan. lagi.
setiap kali keluar soalan kenapa, selalu keluar alasan.

mari kita tengok. my life is getting, interesting.
yeah. i guess so.
semua ni, salah aku. well, memang aku yang salah.
tak perlu lagi alasan.
aku cuba.

tolong lah aku. ya Allah. aku, tengah kuatkan diri aku.

ah, tak guna mengadu dekat sini.
tapi, dah passion aku menulis. who gives a fuck?
so yeah, taking inspiration from kak dora kita, I wanted to be ignored.
because I just felt, physically, and mentally, sick. tired.
I guess it'll be better if I stay like this for a while.
But it doesn't really matter kan? It's not like people really, care.
From what I saw, I felt, people, human, are always, tends to take care of others
esp their loves one.
but always, just on the surface. just a bit on the surface. then?
and yea, it's just one of many mistakes that human does kan?
nanti bila dah gaduh,
or maybe when it's already too late,
baru diorang perasan, kan?
but that makes diorang better. am I right? :)

my surrounding, people are, happy. I'm.. happy for them. yeah, really.
like Amal, I'm happy for her. She looks, happy, obviously lol.
seeing people happy, at least I felt, happy a bit, if not a lot.
maybe relief? kot. idk.

no worries, after this I can bet you guys who actually read my blog, it'll be a lot happier.
at least for a while lah. haha, I'll try my best.

no more excuse. I'll try my best untuk er, be more positive. I've done that before, surely I can, now. Of course.

hey you there. stop laughing at me. I know. I suck a lot kan? Haha. well really, I'll try my best to be happier than before. I don't suck. HAHA.

we'll see. aku nak. aku dah tak nak bagi alasan. redha? ye. semua salah aku. terima la akibat.

let's see. what's up with me now. looking for a job. cari makan. baju. PC. hurh.
and maybe I'll be taking law. HAHAHA. or Industrial Design for my degree.

tengoklah, umur panjang, sihat badan, tak selalu buat hal.

er, a small update je kot. banyak bebel. but what you guys think, I don't really care tho.

hey, better privatized this blog kan? I just write for the sake of, writing. Hmh. will consider it.

anyway, happy holiday peeps. have a blast holiday. wish me, happy too. C:

distraught

"Aku tak nak"

Si Anak terduduk. Terkesima. Luluh hati. Aih, balasan, ingkar janji dengan si Ibu, yang mengandungkan dia sembilan bulan. Berat di bawa ke hulu ke hilir. Dapat anak macam si Anak ni pulak. Memang sakit hati dia. Panas je perut. Si Anak berfikir.

Memang salah aku. Balasan.

Meminta diri, dia berjalan, longlai.

Mengheret kaki menuju entah ke mana, meredah kegelapan malam.

Kelihatan langit selang sekejap cerah. Ah, tanda.

Setelah jauh melangkah, dia terduduk di perhentian bas. Gelap.

Dari gelap, sehingga tetiba terpasang lampu-lampu kalimantang yang tiba-tiba.

Seram. Sejuk.

Teringat cerita Ju-On.

Beza nya, kini dia tidak takut, tetapi, sayu.

Luluh sudah hati dia. Si Anak merenung ke hadapan. Bingitan lagu Royal Jelly di ganti dengan petikan violin Emmet pula, tanda ada mesej baru masuk.

Dia masih terduduk. Tergenang mata.

Setelah beberapa ketika, dia berjalan lagi.

Dan berjalan

terus mengheret.

Badannya menjerit kesakitan, kelengahan. Bagai nak tercabut semua anggota.

Otaknya pula menjerit meminta teruskan perjalanan.

Hatinya memutuskan untuk berhenti. Dia sudah tiada semangat.

Hatinya sudah luluh.

Ya Allah, aku hamba yang hina.

Kuatkan lah semangat aku.

Tabahkan lah hati aku.

Dengarlah rintihan hamba Mu.

Aku kena tabah

Aku perlukan pertolongan Mu ya Allah.

Serentak, gerimis turun mencurah-curah, lebat.

Membasahi bumi,

membasahi dia.

Tanda tak lama lagi ribut.

Sebak.

Dia terus berjalan.

Berhenti, mendongak ke atas, di sebelah tiang lampu jalan.

Silau dengan cahaya neon.

Air mata mengalir.

Dia terus mengheret-heret kaki nya.

Dan terhenti langkah di perhentian bas.

Dan entah, berapa lama, dia terbaring di situ.

Untuk apa?

Separuh harapan, separuh lagi cuma hasil tindakbalas badan terhadap pain receptor.

Beberapa ketika dia tertiarap di atas bangku besi.

Hujan makin lebat.

-----

Di tekannya butang kawalan jauh pintu pagar.

Terbuka otomatik.

Si Ibu melihat si Anak dalam kebasahan.

"Macam mana dinner tadi, gembira tak sayang?"

Si Anak cuma tersenyum sumbing.

"Gembira, Mama."

Lalu dia melangkah perlahan.

Membuka pintu, melihat tiada siapa pun di bawah.

Gelap, sunyi.

Di lihat kiri

di pandan kanan

memang dia seorang di bawah

Soaked wet,

Air hujan dari rambut mengalir,

bercampur dengan air mata dan peluh,

sebak.

Dia cuma boleh tersenyum.

starfall.

yang datang tak banyak pula
yang pergi pula selalu sahaja.
tatkala aku semakin lut cahaya,
musibah datang dari pelbagai cara.

aku,
semakin berhenti berharap.
kenapa aku tak terima hakikat sahaja?
senang.
tapi,
aku, mengalah ke?

seorang lagi penghibur hati aku dah meninggal.
munchkin si sugar glider.
aku rindu bunyi bising kau bila aku kacau kau tido,
tido bergulung-gulung tu.
dan kau kacau aku baca slide bila tengah malam
dengan bunyi-bunyi kau tu.
kecoh je.
sekarang,
aku dah makin kurang semangat,
sorang.
sorang.
sorang.
aku dah,
tak sanggup nak rasa attachment kepada apa-apa,
siapa.
siapa?

-----

..mari, mari sini.
kau dah cuba sebaik mungkin.
kau patut, biar sahaja,
serahkan pada aku.
keringkan. keraskan.

terang matahari, sedar, walau terang manapun, orang sedar? walau tahu tak lama, terangkan jugak lah. dengan api yang dingin. sehingga, bintang ini, padam.

starfall.

oneirophobia

Menunggu tak kunjung tiba,
Lain pula yang menimpa.
Bila tiba, tiba waktu huru hara,
Ah, aku dah bosan mengadu domba.

Sekarang, terpaksa lah. Nasib.

even the nights are better.

menggoda. kegelapan. jadi? apa yang menggoda sangat?
dia termenung ke luar.
tidak difokus kepada jalur jalur air yang turun di kaca itu.
banyak.
di sebalik jalur jalur tu, kegelapan.
ditutup lampu bilik.
diselak langsir.
ditolak jendela kaca.
dia melangkah kaki kanan.
cuba merasa, tempat meletak kaki.
tak ada.
disuanya lagi.
kaki kanannya tidak mencecah apa-apa.
ah, lantak.
di kuak kaki kiri pula.
lalu sahaja loncat
steady, but surely, very slow, and light.
warm.
the warmness that will surely melt your heart.
perlahan melangkah.
perlahan sangat, bukan sengaja.
tetapi, langkah yang lemah.
angin menghembus badannya, terasa hampir melayang
seperti menyambut.
dia berdiri.
tegak, mendongak ke atas.
melihat, satelit?
seraya merebahkan badan perlahan-lahan.
walau gelap,
tetapi hitam malam itu, dia masih mampu
melihat awan-awan.
bergerak laju,
selaju angin yang meniup-niup.
rintik-rintik kesejukan tidak dihiraukan.
titis-titis atas kulit mukanya,
dadanya
ibarat menghiris, menikam.
makin lebat,
rintihan hujan yang tak kecil tapi banyak, yang selalu tidak dihiraukan,
lebat sahaja
mengalir ke genting suam
titisan yang beraduk dengan air suam
dari kelopak mata,
turun perlahan-lahan
matanya makin kabur,
dengan memori, impian tidak tercapai,
kekalutan masa lampau,
kebodohan yang teramat,
kealpaan,
kelalaian,
karma yang menanti di zaman sekarang
akibat kelalaian silam,
ibarat pita yang talinya tersimpul,
cerita yang tidak bergerak
tersekat disitu.

rintik hujan makin bertalu-talu
dia masih disitu
entah apa dapat dilihat
cuma penyesalan
dan apa yang mampu di buat
agar dia dapat
menebus kesalahan,
dia redha
jika ini ketentuan Ilahi
dia akan menghiris, untuk menyembuh
yang pasti,
bukan luka dia.

a mockery towards myself

idk anymore. I'm getting sick of this. I am depressed.

Can I just like, ran and cross the highway and getting hit by a car, I'll be happy if I'm dead, but I'd be a lot happier if I just, forget everything I went through, forget all the memories. maybe.

God. Oh God. Please. I'm hoping I can be stronger. I felt so useless every time I sujud, and hoping, praying that I'd be stronger, even just a little.

I don't want to give in, I know I'm still strong. I know this is just me, being sissy and stuff. I know I'm over reacting yada yada yada, I know that people have their own problems. Obviously.

I need to be strong, there's no other option.

Maybe I'm just getting sick of being strong.

Be happy. Try, to be happy. Must be happy.

I know I will. I know I'm strong.



lololol.

there's nothing good after 2 a.m.

so I walked towards the direction that this heart tells. It's a bit odd because when you don't believe in your heart, you started to do more what you're heart tells you. When the heart is hurt, there's a higher probability to do something stupid, that always come from your heart.

then, what will you do after 2 a.m? just go to sleep.

BEEPPPPPPPPP! wrong answer.

sigh, I wonder if I can really takes that as a good answer. the final is approaching. and the stability still doesn't come. Right now, honestly, I don't feel any good. Only, plain heartache. idk why tbh. wait. maybe not idk why, its because which one. I mean, there's craps been throwing at me at all direction, and it's up to me to avoid all of them. avoiding? more like escaping. Okay, I've tried handling it, but no, it won't do. It's too big for me, I guess. When a shit is done, there's always another, waiting for you. It'll never ends.

So what you do after 2 a.m.? sigh. honestly, just go to sleep. this is a heartfelt advice from me.

do you want to know what I do after 2? heh. naah. it's boring.

this is a small update from me. there's a lot of words I heard from friends, regarding my posts. Most of them said it was pretty good, to my surprise. But really, all of it comes out of my head, spontaneously. I just write, what my fingers hit the keyboard (duh) and it's what I feel. I think. No, I don't really think usually all the time while updating my blog lol. so yeah. a lil update on my life, for those who is interested, and actually, care. lololol.

going back to my kancil. spending time with the one that you know, won't live forever, is a bliss. appreciating what she has done to help me. creating more, and more memories together. aih.

nite peeps.

kalaulah nasib, sudah tersurat, begini hebat.. ..apa nak buat.

"Hendak ku nangis..
Tiada berair mata.
Hendak ku senyum..
Tiada siapa nak teman.
Kalaulah nasib ..
Sudah tersurat.
Begini hebat ..
..Apa nak buat.."

Di mana kan ku cari ganti,
Serupa denganmu..
Tak sanggup ku berpisah,
Dan berhati patah,
Hidup gelisah..

Alangkah pedih rasa hati,
Selama kau pergi..
Tinggalku sendirian,
Tiada berteman,
Dalam kesepian..

Dunia terang, menjadi gelita.
Cahaya indah tiada berguna..
Keluhan hatiku,
Menambah derita.
Tetap kau jua,
Tak kunjung jelma.

Dimana kan ku cari ganti,
Mungkinkah di syurga?
Untuk kawan berduka,
Menangis bersama,
..Selama-lama..

--di mana dia?

"Kita kembali dalam rancangan Ah-Ha!"

"Ah-Ha musim keduaaa, Ah-Ha Ah-Haaaa--"

Dalam bilik tu, dia duduk termenung sahaja. Televisyen yang terpasang dibiarkan. Terdengar gelak suara dari peti hitam atas pintu bilik air di bilik itu. Tapi dia tidak peduli. Tidak mendengar pun. Tidak sedikit pun mengganggu konsentrasi fikirannya. Fikiran yang jauh ke tempat lain.

Mana dia?

Seorang demi seorang masuk. Memeriksa keadaanya. Mencatat apa yang perlu pada sekeping kertas di hujung katil, setelah memeriksa segala aparatus yang mengelilingi dia.

"Miss, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine." Dengan senyuman di mukanya.

"Great, so far you're doing okay, .......-----"

Segala apa yang selepas itu, segala bebelan, segala penerangan dia tidak ambil peduli. Pandangan nya di lontarkan ke luar tingkap. Di sebalik banggunan pencakar langit di sekeliling kawasannya, warna matahari jingga kemerah-merahan terang melantunkan cahaya ke arah tingkap bilik tersebut.

Cepatlah datang. Aku perlukan kau sangat. Aku takkan kesah kenapa kau lambat, aku cuma nak kau ada. Aku tau kau takkan hampakan aku, kau tak pernah hampakan aku. Cuma,

"Why did you love me?"

"Huh?" Dia tak sangka soalan itu yang keluar, kenapa? "Because, I-- love you?"

"You have, everything. Great friends that have always cared about you, great parents, you are beautiful, rich, talented, intelligent- no, genius, kind, and yada yada. Why, out of all people, me?"

Dia tersentak. Kenapa macam tu sekali? Walaupun apa yang dikatakan tu betul, kalau betul sekali pun, aku, manusia biasa sahaja. Aku, tak mau dipandang begitu, lagi-lagi dari kau. Aku, ikhlas. Aku tau, kau memang layan aku macam manusia biasa, aku suka dilayan begitu. Kau buat aku tertarik, kau buat aku rasa macam, orang biasa. Aku tak perlu sebab untuk mencinta orang, aku tertarik dengan kau yang tidak tertarik dengan kelebihan aku.

Tapi, walaupun kau rasa pelik, rasa seperti orang sentiasa membenci kau kerana aku disamping kau, rasa tidak selesa, kau sentiasa ada untuk aku. Ya, kau memang ego. Tetapi, disebalik ego tu, kau amat perlukan perhatian. Aku rasa susah, nak selami kau, kerana kau tidak tertarik disebalik luaran aku seperti orang lain. Aku kena usaha. Dan aku telah. Tapi aku masih usaha. Tak pernah putus asa. Aku ingin kau rasa, apa yang aku rasa. Orang yang memahami aku. Aku nak kau tau, aku memahami kau. Aku cuba beri apa kau nak. Aku bahagia begini.

Apa yang akan aku katakan pada kau nanti? Aku risau, kau akan bersedih. Tapi kau kan, kuat? Kau sentiasa kuat. Kau bagai sang suria, tidak pernah padam. Sentiasa buat aku mekar. Tanpa kau aku layu. Aku takut kau, bersedih. Bagaimana kalau tiada orang yang mampu buat kau gembira lagi? Aku, rasa serba salah. Aku tak nak tinggalkan kau. Aku , kau, kita macam, saling memerlukan. Aku harap kau akan tabah. Aku tau kau kuat. Aku tak nak kau bersedih. Aku nak kau sentiasa gembira, macam sekarang. Walau apa yang terjadi, aku nak kau sentiasa senyum, tabah dan sentiasa melihat hikmah disebalik kejadian.

Cerah yang amat sangat, menjadi semakin malap. Terdengar sayup-sayup azan berkumandang. Dari warna jingga yang sangat cerah, menjadi semakin gelap, di ganti dengan cahaya lampu neon jalanan. Mana kau? Seribu seratus benda aku ingin katakan. Itu pun yang aku terfikir. Yang tak terfikir, yang akan keluar tatkala kita berbual tu, lagilah. Jadi cepatlah datang.

"I can't believe it, you actually watching TV3 news? And plus, dalam gelap pulak tu. Selalu dia lah yang selalu marah kat orang kalau buat macam ni."

Dia berpaling ke arah suara itu.

Dan dia, tersenyum.

Akhirnya.

next thing you know, it's gone.

frankly, there's a lot things I wanted to share. About a certain sugar-glider that my sis is taking care of, about my dad, and my friends. these are wonderful wonderful things I wanted to say. My life is pretty good so far.

NOT.

officially today sums up this whole fucked up month. week.

First of all, the Monday. There's a vb test. Oh I know how easy was vb. It's a piece of cake. Supposedly. But honestly, I don't feel like I'll get a mark in that test. Yep. You saw it. I don't know if I can't get a mark out of 100 from that test. I tried to be calm, but my oh my. What I can say is that, my mind wasn't ready for the test. I'm not properly on the right frame of mind. So I fucked up. Other people's mind is either at what they read yesterday, but mind, was far from here. Back at home. I was worried about Papa. Always worried. But this time, I can't get it out from my head. Not only Papa. Almost everything flashing in my mind that time. I know, I know. I'm not using this as an excuse, eventhough I read almost everything but all I can say is that, everything I read went down the drain. Absolutely everything. Went to PJ again, (I went there first thing on the morn just to be informed that my Diana's picture is still not finished, so I have to be there on the afternoon.) and collected the pictures. It was pretty sad, because it didn't turned out like I wanted it to be but at the same time I felt very happy with the result. And PJ was hell! Going there is like went through some World War and going out of PJ is like World War II.

That night we went all out on JAVA project. It was very very hectic. Adib and Burn bring down their desktops while I helped them. All of us brought our laptop including the girls. But, not only JAVA, there's a MIS project submission on Tuesday, so instead of JAVA, which only need one PC to do it instead of 4, I went doing MIS. And we started from 0. Burn was focusing on JAVA, Adib was focusing on his team's JAVA, while I'm apparently left from our trio of MIS group, it's all up to me I guess. So that night almost googled every big company in Malaysia but apparently not all of them are completely, complete in their website. After some times it was 3 I supposed, when I head is started to pulsing, so I went for 'painkilling' session. And then I continued and continued until I felt like my head wanted to exploded, then I went for my dear, that always waiting for me to come to her, Lunesta.

That Tuesday morning I rushed, because well apparently I overslept, and it was 9.15 or so when I arrived at the lab and I saw Puan Nik Maria is already there, and I was very worried if I was the last person to arrived, my team presented the project already cause it's quite quiet that time, only to find out that only Burn is there inside the lab. Well because Burn did the JAVA apps quite a lot so I guess I'm presenting it out of my responsibility to the team. I did okay for the presentation I guess. Because of I ate some painkillers earlier, that morning I was pretty calm and not experiencing pain.

That evening, I went for MIS presentation eventhough I'm not that okay after quite a number of unpleasant pain I felt around lunch hour, and presenting the powerpoint slide that Adib prepared. That I have to adjust quite a lot, I thought it was done! Guess not. So when presenting, I mumbled a lot, most probably because of the pain, but I'm blaming for the essay written on the slide!

After that on Japanese class, we're doing an interview, with sensei as the interviewer. It was hell, the first question itself I fucked up, eventhough it's damn easy, it's a free mark! I was restless after the first question, and on my second question I'm out of my breath eventhough she's only asking 'nan sai deska?' I knew the answer, obviously but unsurprisingly, my mind went blanked, again. After quite sometimes, around 30 secs, after 2 or 3 times sensei repeated the question, finally I answered 'jyuu kyuu sai des'. And after regaining my composure I end up being over-confident when sensei shows me a picture of briefcase when I answered kabang, means bag. Haih. Anyway I got 6 out of 10. I know I sucks. I want to take a rest, badly.

Anyway on Wednesday we're gonna have a kaiwa, means dialog, and it's damn long! I have to remember 2 pages of kaiwa! And Didi and Nazrul told me to do a montaj, about our Multimedia project, which we will present on Wednesday. I have to finished my Computer Maintenance's part of the report, and I have to remember my kaiwas, and my laptop sucks, it didn't have Macromedia Authorware. Blame the laptop, for it's just a freaking entry level laptop that it cannot handle too many designing programs. So I'm focusing on my Computer Maintenance's job, which is not long when I started to feel uncomfortable, my head is killing me. I mean, the pain. I endured the pain until 12, that I started to feel very, very, very uncomfortable so I went for painkilling session. Just as I went out of Burn's room, I felt my body temperature rises so I went topless and as soon as I entered my room, I felt sudden jolt on my head, my body is like kicking from the inside, so I rushed, more like dragged my feet as fast as I could, and all I can see is my locker is damn far, when reality is, it's just a few steps from my bed, opened up the door, grabbed the meds, and next thing I know, I.. don't know.

My roomate saw me lying in front of my locker, in front of the toilet, this morning. It was damn freezing, as I did not wear any clothes. And plus, I'm on the bare floor for 6 hours or so, with the wind and all. Then I started to think. Oh shit, the kaiwas, the montaj. What I'm going to do? Well, as soon as I arrived at the campus, I finished up the montaj using Flash instead of Authorware. And after that I went for my Japs class, the last one, I tried my best for the dialog. I'm partnering Ah Fuu (Firdaus) but it's not like I'm prepared. But I end up getting 9/10, minus 1 mark from our creativity mark.

I felt like works come and cornered me in every single direction, it was tiring. I did not getting the sleep I supposed to have and the doctor was damn angry this time. "Bila dalam masalah, baru cari ubat. Tak nak prevent, bila dah lega tak nak makan, serupa lah macam ingat tuhan!" I felt like I was stabbed, it did. He was right, of course. Ah, and Friday ada VB project presentation pulak. How the hell I'll survive this week. I need help, seriously. I don't even have the fucking time, to rant to my Edith! This sucks. With all my pasts are catching up, I felt like my body, is tearing up, literally.

I.. fucked up. Can I just, escape this reality again. Oh well, I can't. I can't run. Or I'll end up like before.. Ahh.. I just.. not that strong, apparently. Trying to hold on since 2006, until now? With all the bullshits threw at me? I.. I'm not that strong. But still trying to hang on. Because, if it's not me, myself, how the hell I'm going to go through this? Guess I'll.. try my best.

orion

It was an eventful day. At least, I did what I promised, what I can do, and what I really need to do. I enjoy it, yes I do, but did not enjoy it, much. Maybe because of the short period, maybe. But the most reasonable excuse is, it's just me.

It seems like, I stressed out so much, I'm not having fun, when I'm supposed to do so. All I'm doing is, thinking about all of the assignments, projects, presentations, tests, quizzes, future. Most of my time. Even when I'm driving. Even when I'm 'getting rid the toxic inside of my body'.

I did not have the time to think about my own happiness.

Or, I could say that, I could not care less.

Even when I knew that not what we've done will go noticed. If they happy, they'll enjoy it and, forget all things that is associated to the sadness.

Look, it's not like I love ranting about this.

But that's the fact. Every human I think, did this. Well I tried, not to do that. Appreciate more. Learn, learned to do so. Please. Not the hard way.

This.

Makes me realize about life. You can't be carefree. You'll lose something. Whatever it is. So for the moment, just, appreciate it. Believe me, mark my word, bookmark this page, print screen, whatever, take my word. You'll regret it.

There's no camera that's as good as your own eyes and memory.

Maybe that's why I don't feel so reluctant not taking any pictures from Friday/Saturday. It just, even if any pictures are taken, it'll not feel as good as the memory itself.

Pictures, always work as the ignition for the memory to replay. People sees picture, to know what happened, or to recall what happened.

Well, even if it's not that great, it's still a great escape. I can't believe we did that, it was wicked. I feel bad.

Lucky us, that the star shows up, even if it's not as bright as it used to before. I still enjoy the view as much as I enjoyed it the first time I was it. It was always beautiful. The feeling, is always blissful.

Escape? Not really. What kind of people are you, escape from something you hate, but eventually you came back to that place? Just call it as trip. To relieve tension. Or something.

I still can feel the breeze of the ocean. I still can see the sea of stars. I can still see the view outside the car.

Post-vacay can be suck as hell. But well, that's life.

And life is a bummer.

tentang pena, inspirasi, puisi.

aku masih teringat-ingat lagi post seorang member course aku, dd. pen merah pen biru aku marah sapa tahu. er. dan selebihnya. berkisahkan kemarahan dia terhadap seorang perempuan, yang aku tak kenal, sebab perempuan itu nampaknya sangat mengenali dia, dan sampai dia sanggup buat camtu dekat orang yang nampak macam kfc happy meal je.

okay, post kali ni tak ada lah kena-mengena dengan minah tu, mahupun mamat tu.

aku mintak maaf lah awal-awal, walaupun dah berbuih mulut aku cakap, dah berketak jari aku menaip, yang aku tulis apa aku nak tulis, means aku update bila aku nak. dan karut apa aku nak karut. bukannya kalau aku bebel dekat RL korang nak dengar pun. at least dekat sini, ruang aku nak bebel.

maaf lah kalau entry post aku, tak inspiring. tak menarik. tak informatif. tak puitis. tak, tulus. tak tajam macam pen.

aku, tak reti tulis post yang inspiring. tak ada kata-kata yang memberangsangkan, yang akan menaikkan morale korang. yang membuat korang fikir, baiklah! akan aku sekian sekian sekian. aku, tak reti quote hadis-hadis, sekadar membaca sahaja. aku takut, salah quote, salah source, hadis tak kuat, habis, payah.

tak informatif, sentiasa dengan karut marut. tak pernah ada maklumat baru pasal gadget, atau kereta, atau kamera baru, game baru. sebab, aku.. tak lah up to date pun. kalau sapa kenal aku, tau lah, aku, balik-balik baju tu. kasut tu. beg tu. lagu pun, dengar radio, ye, tapi pakai FM modulator.

tak puitis. kata-kata aku, tak memikat jiwa. tak reti lah aku, bermetafora. kadang-kadang aku sendiri tak faham apa yang aku metaforakan, kalau aku bermetafora. aku pelik, betul ke apa yang penulis cuba sampai kan melalui puitis diorang tu, pembaca faham ke tak. salah faham, buat anggapan sendiri, mana tahu, keluar ajaran baru. payah.

tapi, blog aku pun, jarang ada cerita pasal aku. yelah, selalu kalau bukan untuk jadi bahan bacaan, orang update status dia, cerita dia hari itu, etc. tak selalu pun aku buat camtu.

blog ni.. ada apa?

blog sendiri, sukahati lah kalau kauorang nak buat apa pun. apa yang kau orang tulis, aku baca. aku enjoy semua blog yang aku baca, sebab, itu.. apa yang kau orang definisikan kau orang. kalau yang berinformasi tu, maksudnya dia sentiasa cari something, rajin selidik benda baru. yang berpuitis tu, seorang yang romantis, bukan bermaksud jiwang. tapi mempunyai idea baru terhadap benda yang normal. lebih kurang. tak faham? tu metafora. paham-paham sendiri. blog kau tempat nak cakap pasal awek kau, pasal benda yang kau tengah jual, kalau blog tu blog jual kamera lomo tu, obv pasal kamera lomo kau, untuk dijual kan.

blog aku, apa yang aku nak tulis lah. pola tak tetap. bermood, atau tak. berlagu, atau bercerita. straight as a sword, atau curve macam fries McD, depends.

contoh, entri macam ni. kan aku dah bebel. tu yang aku malas update blog. mesti aku karut.

bukan lah aku nak kelas kan orang. aku sedar aku tak perfect, tapi kau.. boleh nampak perwatakan orang tu. at least, aku lah. aku tau member-member aku macam mana orangnya. bukan being judgmental or whatsoever, tapi aku, read. aku faham, orang. kehendak diorang. dan, aku tak suka. aku tau apa diorang nak. tapi aku tak suka, aku dapat baca.

fikir macam ni. kau, tau budak tu jalan sorang-sorang. kat tepi jalan. dia, tak tegor sapa pun. tapi, kau tau, yang dia ni tengah cari mak dia. well, tengok dia macam tu, dah lama berjalan muka muram, comot, tepi jalan, sibuk. kau.. tak nak tolong?

bukan lah aku nak cakap aku rajin tolong orang, tapi aku try my best. and yea, i do enjoy helping people.

aku tak suka, sebab? sebab er, aku je yang macam tahu.

di sebalik matahari yang bersinar menyala, di sebalik itu, ada angkasa yang gelap, kelam, di belakang. yang lebih luas. yang kau tak tau.

yang kau orang, tak bother nak ambil tahu, being a normal human being.

yang kau perasan, dengar-dengar dari orang mengenai angkasa hitam tu, kau cuba jelajah, dan angkasa mengalu-alukan, tetapi apa dah jadi, lepas kau, dapat tau SIKIT? bintang yang kau tinggalkan, meletup jadi black hole, menyedut semua cahaya yang ada.

kalau kau tau pun, tentang angkasa tu, apa kau boleh buat? jadikan dia langit biru, luas dan cerah, lebih tenang?

--Omoide

Air turun laju. Gelap. Sunyi. Suasana yang paling dibenci. Tapi, suasana itulah yang dicari. Yang menggambarkan dia. Dia, terduduk, mencangkung. Macam dulu. Cuma bezanya, kini dia di kamar mandi. Air pancut turun tak henti-henti, bersama memori yang diimbas, yang tak mungkin kembali.

Duduk, termenung. Tengah hari tu tak macam tengah hari lain. Bercahaya matahari, tapi tak panas. Tak bahang. Tapi tak menghalang peluh meleleh di dahi Firdaus. Bunyi unggas bersahutan, segala bunyi alam sekitar ada. Pelik, betul ke ni Kuala Lumpur? Matahari kini mula menghasilkan bayang, menandakan sudah lepas tengah hari, sedikit. Pukul berapa? Berapa lama sudah aku dekat sini? Hish, kalau lah jam tu tak putus waktu sesi 'suai kenal' dan 'ramah mesra' baru-baru ini dengan pelajar kelas sebelah yang langgar Firdaus sehingga dia dapat merasa Mee Sup kantin sekolahnya itu agak masin, at least dia dapat agak berapa lama dia akan dapat bertahan di situ.

Paappp!

"Adoi! Sakitlah!" Terasa perit dibelakang badan dia.

"Er, sorry?" Si perempuan itu tertutup mata, takut kena marah. Firdaus tersenyum, tapi cepat-cepat dia tukar senyum, kepada mimik muka marah.

"Sakit lah," Ulang Firdaus.

"Gaduh lagi la tu"

"Tak lah, ramah mesra antara lelaki dengan lelaki lain. Menggunakan physical contact"

"Ye lah, kalau camtu kenapa tak ramah mesra ikut PE?"

"PE?"

"Physical Education"

"Pendidikan Jasmani, kami sekolah Kebangsaan je."

"Hergh. Benci lah, jangan macam tu."

"Kalau PJ nanti cikgu salah anggap. Kitorang ber'gurau' dan ber'mesra' je. And besides, diorang kelas belakaaaaaaang. Hah, asal lambat?"

"Jom, ikut Haz jap. Kak Sofinas nak jumpa."

"Vivy Sofinas?"

"Perempuan, ingat jerr."

"Habis tu nak Firdaus ingat lelaki je? Kang cakap asyik gaduh je."

"But still..,"

"Plus nama dia pelik kot. Vivy? Mesti la ingat."

Tanpa menghiraukan bebelan Firdaus dia berlalu ke dalam sekolah. Rasa marah jugak, kenapa dia ingat Kak Sofinas, yang baru sekali dia ternampak, bukan aku, yang dia langgar, tapi masih tak ingat-ingat waktu jumpa kali kedua? Aku ni, tak cukup ke?

Firdaus mengekor sahaja Hazirah. Apa lagi lah perempuan ni. Dah la berjam aku tunggu dia, tapi dia.. ada hal pulak. Busy. Kalau aku tau baik aku lepak dekat rumah. Papa mama memang tak ada, tapi, sebab Uncle dan Aunty yang jemput datang, aku pergi jugak. Jaga hati. Yelah, Uncle selalu buat aku happy. Apa salahnya buat dia happy?

"Fir."

"Hm?"

"Firrrr." Isyy ape ni.

"Ye."

"Firrrrrr." Sambil mencekak pinggang.

"Baiikkk. Kenapaaaa." Panjang sahaja dia tarik. Aduh, macam mak orang! Apa beza dia "ya" atau pun "baik"? "Baik"? Macam tak kena bila fikir maksudnya, dengan cara penggunaan.

"Teman Hazirah jap."

"I'm here."

"I mean, let's take a walk?"

"We're walking." Saja dia nak bagi sakit hati. Geram tadi tak hilang lagi

"Fird!"

"Apa?"

"Jom lah, teman. Nak jalan-jalan."

"Penat lah, panas lagi ni"

"Fiiinnee then. Haz pergi sorang-sorang, dekat area damansara ni." Adus, sudah.

"Yelah, mana?"

"Ikut jalan belakang sekolah ni"

"Takpe ke masuk sekolah ni? Well sebab this is Sri Cempaka. I'm from an ordinary school, sekolah kerajaan je. Boleh ke masuk?"

"Fird! Dah la!" Dia menghentak kaki sambil berjalan. Eh, apa je yang aku cakap ni. Lain aku nak keluarkan, lain yang terkeluar.

Firdaus mengekor sahaja. Tercongak-congak cara untuk meminta maaf. Tapi, kenapa aku pula kena minta maaf? Dia, berlagak macam diva, pemaisuri, aku yang jauh ni kena tunggu dia, biarlah dia rasa sakit hati pula.

"Apa ikut? Penat kan? Pergi lah tunggu dekat rumah with my dad."

"Uncle takde."

"Then with mummy lah"

"He's taking her with him."

"Eiiisshh!" Seraya dia membuka langkah, berlari mendaki bukit, lalu terus ke jalan Pinggiran Setiabudi.

"Eh, nanti!" Gila! Dengan long skirt dan berkot hijau tu dia nak berlari? Tak reti penat ke? Firdaus mula membuka langkah, mula-mula berlari anak. Tapi melihat Hazirah makin mengecil, dan menghilang disebalik bukit tu, dia mule berlari. Dan, sampai juga ke Pinggiran Setiabudi tapi.. dah hilang.

"Haz?"

Perlahan dia menuruni bukit tu, menuju ke arah Jalan Setiabudi. Seriously, takkan lah dia menghilang macam tu je. Menusuk hati ke bagai mata pedang ke ayat aku tadi? Ah, bersalah. Karang apa aku nak jawab bila menghadap Uncle, Aunty? Yang penting, Mama Papa dekat rumah. Arhhh. Tapi, apa jadi nanti dengan dia? Kena culik? Kena rompak? Kena.. Oh tidak. Tolonglah, tuhan!

"HAZ!"

"HAZIRAH!" Terpekik. Terlolong. Tidak. Terduduk Firdaus. Janganlah. Aku.. menyesal.

"How wass'that? Risaukan Haz ke? Ouh, so sweeet." Firdaus terdiam. Terdengar suara dari belakang. Dia terus membisu.

"Tak punn, issshhhhhhhh." Sambil dia menarik-narik pipi perempuan tu. Geram, sangat! Merah delima pipi perempuan tu. Sudah lah kulitnya putih macam kain putih, bila merah saja nampak beza, teramat.

"Ouch! " Seraya ditumbuknya bahu Firdaus berkali. Padan muka kau, aku. Takut tadi. Bangga pulak Hazirah, dapat buat lelaki macam Firdaus tu pucat lesi. Tapi pipi ni, perit terasa.

"Senyum apa, nak lagi ke?" Gertak Firdaus. Ish, boleh pulak buat memain.

"Nothing lah, jum!" Ditariknya tangan Firdaus. "Teman Haz?"

"Yelah yelah." Perlahan lahan dia melangkah, berat. Hati, memang gembira. Tapi, susah dia dapat zahirkan. Tapi perempuan ni. Ah, dia faham-faham sahaja. Suka hati dia saja nak buat apa. Aku, yang terperangkap.

"Nak pergi mana?" Lama Firdaus fikir nak bertanyakan, bunyi macam soalan yang mudah, tapi seolah-olah.. menampakkan kesudian dia untuk teman Hazirah.

"Nak..SLURPEE!"

"Erk. Ke 7-E lah ni? Eh jap, Haz!" Risau betul, selamba je dia melintas jalan? Risau aku dibuatnya. Pusat Damansara ni, tau lah kereta yang lalu jalan ni sikit sangat. Tapi bahaya, malang tak berbau. Tapi kalau kemalangan, memang berbau lah, bau minyak hitam dan minyak segala.

"Cepat lah Fird!" Melangkah jalan, menyusuri Jalan Setiamurni. Mereka bersembang, saling usik-mengusik. Ada sahaja yang tak kena, walau benda sekecil zarah! Itulah mereka.

"Huh, what else you bought?"

"Oh, this is for you."

"Coke? Er, kay. Thanks. Huh, plaster?"

"Yelah, kang sakit belakang tu." Berdekah-dekah Firdaus gelak. Apa lah yang perempuan ni fikirkan. Terpegun kakak cashier tu lihat Firdaus. Sihat ke tak budak ni. Perlu ke aku ready nak tekan bell in case kalau tetiba ni lakonan, untuk rompakan?

"Haz, hahahahahaha" Tak henti lagi. Ahh, lawak sungguh lah dia ni.

"Ape ni Fird, cakap je la" Makin sakit hati lihat Firdaus tergelak-gelak. Apa salah aku buat? Kot ni ada kotor ke ape? Ade benda ke dekat rambut ni?

"Fird, baik cakap, is there something at my hair?"

"Hahahahahahahahahaha"

Tak henti-henti lagi. Hazirah makin gelisah, apa ni?

"Haz, thanks for your concern but, plaster untuk luka! Bukan untuk lebam ke sengal otot ke ape hahahahahaha!" Merah padam muka Hazirah. Berani dia gelakkan aku depan orang ramai? Nasib ada kakak cashier ni je. Ah, tengok, kakak cashier ni pun tersengih je tengok aku. Eiiiii. Malu!

Lalu mereka susuri Jalan Setia Bakti, menuju ke destinasi asal. Tengah hari tu, meriah betul. Mereka, bergembira tanpa pedulikan mata-mata yang melihat. Ah, janganlah habis saat-saat ini. Bahagia.

mislead, mischievous.

i've always have this feeling. i could've done better. i, can do this, i'm better than this. people always have this expectation of me. i used to have this, what i always recalled as an uneasy feeling, a heavy burden left on my shoulder.

although, i can do much better, i don't. i chose not to. how sick, and terrible person i am. destroying ppl hope, i guess. i'm sorry, i'm not really reliable. i can, but i, don't live up to the expectations i guess.

lack of self-motivation, kot. but then, do i need people to encourage me? i chose not to. it's not that i don't need them, who doesn't? but, the more trust i put into them, the lesser i get. Of course, who i am to blame them?

when they need me, i'm always there. but well, i'm not really an open guy. i'm more a reserved guy. always keep in myself. that'll eventually led me to my own downfall. hahaha. like always. but anyways. i, really have only myself to blame.

well a little bit of update about myself. i'm at.. 5th floor of my college. heh. was thinking of streaming a live game from here, but apparently, the modem router at this block's 5th floor seems to fucked up. and oh yea, why i'm here? because this floor have absolutely no people living here. and, because view from here is awesome. because, i used to live here. in my first year, but after that year, seems like this floor never got it's permanent resident, and i mean, living people haha. maybe lot of guess lived here for a month or two. but that's all.

so impulsively, i break inside one of this floor's room. and here i am. hahaha. how bad i am. yes i know. i'm a mischievous person. really. i'm not a good guy. well judging from my outer appearance, doesn't really look like one, but i'm not a good guy either.

life is not that simple. that's been in my head since i was little. and yeah, i learned things the hard way. almost get kicked from school for err, misbehaving? well i escaped, because my father is a YDP PIBG. so, yeah. my dad, well, obviously not happy bout that. so i learned something, if it's involve my parents water face (direct translation from bahasa), i won't do it. as simple as that.

so yeah, my hostel life at SM Sains Raja Tun Azlan Shah wasn't that easy, i was restricted by my own belief, my own, way of life. if i get involves in a single fight, I'll be kicked. well, that will involves my parents, and apparently my dad's and my warden seems to keep in touch a lot, so i'm not really, myself there, honestly.

i've been doing this kind of thing, since i can remember. First time that i really remember is, when i was 9. or wassit 8? anyway, my family was on a vacation at penang. Well, not really. Papa ada meeting and so, yeah. Papa and Mama was not there at that time, and somehow my beloved little sister locked the their connecting room's door. so i, climbed to the other side, via the outer veranda. and it was a freaking 7 story hotel. so yeahh. i was a daredevil, and i'm still am. maybe a little bit rusty.

not to mention, the thing i always do when i'm.. pretty much alone. and sad. lol. climbing the roof and, well, sit there in the middle of the night? thank god no one notice it, cause they'll claim i was trying to break my own house! ahh, those memories. oh and if you guys don't know, i'm actually pretty much a scenery chaser. i enjoy view so much, i tried to keep looking at sky sometimes, and make some people mad at me for not listening to their rants. haha. well, it actually calms me. i guess. or it doesn't bored me much. i can guess people's behavior, but not the nature's.

and i was pretty much lucky to see a shooting star. remember? thanks.

sometimes, life are not meant to be, as we planned. well, to those that actually make their life, as they wanted it, waw. congrats. what more can i say. as i said before, i learned things, the hard way. i always knew what is the right thing, but, i don't do it. that's the problem. always.

and then, i end up regretting it. and blaming myself.

the ghost of the past will always haunt you. the nightmare will come to you, and not others. the nightmare of the past.

what am i blabbering here.

oh well. it's not like you guys read this whole damn thing anyways. and to actually realize what I'm saying. I'm not understandable, is what I believe. Yes.

anyway, good luck, me. go, and be happy. no one will make you happy. you, only have to blame yourself. so. just. be happy. i guess.

tentang memori

pagi ni, aku ke Esso mak Haikal untuk mengambil duit. Dah seminggu kak Aisyah kirim suruh ambik duit. duit jual kuih raya. Total dia RM466. Tapi tak sempat2 ambik. Hari ni jugak aku paksa diri pegi ambik. Bila lagi, kan?

Sampai-sampai Kak Imah tu tak ada. Adeih. Kakak cakap dia dah pi dah, tapi seminggu jadi macam tu, sbb tu dia suruh aku lak pegi haritu. Siod. Takapa, sebab aku tengah basuh kereta anyways. Sambil tu beli potato chips, dan F&N hijau. Suka aku, sebab dah lama tak makan minum benda mengarut ni. hahahahaha.

Aku ni, memang camni. Syiok. Tengok orang bersusah payah bersihkan Edith. Bagi dia putih melepak balik. Tonyoh daki daki dia tu ha. Tula, asyik duk teman je. Dah lama tak bercuci.

Sambil kunyah, aku rasa, macam banyak pulak. Dulu waktu kecik pun, boleh je habis kan. Siap ada second lagi hahah. Terus, masuk lorong memori.

Sraappp!

*Grab*

"Eh?"

"Hm?"

"Oh, takde ape-ape."

Besok di sekolah. Aku nampak member bukak keropok twisties.

*Grab*

"Hoi!"

"Eh?"

"Ish penat mak bapak aku beli wuuu wuuu"

Erk. Maaf lah. Hairan aku.

Balik dari sekolah. Aku lihat sahaja dia beli Mr. Potato warna putih. Cis, kurang garam! Sambil berjalan kaki, aku hirup Slurpee.

Sraappp!

Slurrrppppp.

Sambil slurp Slurpee tu, aku tengok sahaja. Dia tengok aku balik.

Senyum. Lalu hulur.

"Ha?"

"Kenapa, nak kan?"

"Er, okay.."

Sambil berjalan aku diam sahaja. Kunyah pun, sopan je. Serabut kepala otak aku ni. Biar benar.

"Kenapa.."

"Hm?"

"..kau ba-"

"Nak?" Eh eh, selamba potong cakap aku. Cis!

"Dengar la"

"Ape nyeee."

"Kenapa kau offer?"

"Cause I'm awesome. Hahaha"

"..."

"Ish, sebab, chips, kalau share lagi best, kan? Makan sorang-sorang, tak best."

Aku terdiam. Memang betul, tapi, aku tak realize pun benda ni. Memang aku rasa camtu, sebab tu lah aku buat macam-macam kat orang. Well, aku pelik. Dan sekarang, aku sedar, dengan siapa I'm messing with.

Fall this time the times are useless, have you been through wonderful minds ?

Today, the nightmare came back. Only, it's less nightmare-ish. Which is good, but obviously, it's kinda makes me think for a moment. Wait, then it is a dream lah, considering it's not nightmare-ish enough to be a nightmare, but I thought dream would always be lovely, fulls of hopes, etc. Ahh.

Dreams/nightmares are mostly satan's and devil's work, anyway.

It started when I, suddenly rolling down a hills. It is not a grass-filled hills, unfortunately. It's a pavement, or maybe a tar road. But whatever it is, it hurts. And so after rolling for quite a bit, I stand up, slowly rose to see where am I.

Okay, frankly, I hate to do it in a 3rd person view. Perhaps it's be better if it's in a 1st person mode. And yeah, I think I'll go in bahasa mode. Or maybe rojak. Why?

Because I can.

Anywayss.

Sebaik aku bangun, sambil menepuk2 badan, peha, menghilangkan habuk, pelik, seolah bangun tidur perihal aku. Mengeliat semacam. Lengoh, penat berguling-guling ala hindustan, agaknya. Bollywood, berguling atas rumput, aku? Beza realiti dan mimpi. Macam terbalik pulak.

Dalam tertanya-tanya, aku terpandang atas bukit tu, ah. Rupanya, patutlah. Tersegam megah banglo dua tingkat. Pagar tebukak luas. Ada kanak-kanak berlari. Seraya aku melangkah mendaki kembali bukit. Di tegur oleh seorang puan, yang aku kira besar jugaklah pangkatnya, duduk di Federal Hill ni.

"Dik, kenapa?"

"Er, saya ni, sebenarnya tuan rumah ni dulu" Ah sudah. Bila masa aku punya rumah ni, mengarut!

"Er?"

"Ha tu kereta saya" Ternampak NAN 14 di jauh sedikit di belakang puan tu.

"Oh, em.."

"Sayaaa, nak tengok-tengok rumah ni sebenarnya, rindu, akak." Tersengih-sengih. Bukan kau lah yang aku rindu.

"Pemilik rumah yang terkeberapa sebelum akak ni"

"Tau, tau." Eh, tau?

"Masuk lah dulu dik, tengok-tengok lah. Maaf lah bersepah. Tengah kemas.

Ah, tak sempat pulak tatap muka puan ni. Yang penting, aku.. rasa selesa.. selamat? Entah. Aku melangkah, sambil dia menghilang. Yang aku sedar, aku, di ruang tamu. Dah ada tangga (satu lagi? Gile ape) ke atas? Waw. Ternampak ada budak sedang mengelap anak tangga.

"Eh dah tambah tangga pulak? Dasyat" Membuka bicara.

"..." Sambil usha slack aku. Ah. Ini, jangan cakap dia bisu pulak.

Jadi aku menuju ke ruang TV, di sebelah tangga. Ah, ruang favorite aku. Sekarang, jadi tempat dining hall. Besar, amat. Panjang. Haha. Muat untuk 10 orang lah. Ada hidangan atas meja. Ada cook sedang hidangkan makanan. Kiri-kanan aku toleh. Ah ni sempat jugak aku try, macam menarik je nii. Baru tangan nak sentuh makanan, tiba-tiba

"Aizat! Dah la tak tolong, merantah pulak! Eiii boys are always the same!"

"Sorry!" Seraya aku menahan tangan aku di kepala. Eh?

Ruang makan yang tadi riuh, sunyi sepi. Tak ada orang.

"Aizat.."

Tercari-cari, apa bunyi tu?

Seraya, bunyi titisan hujan mula jatuh di luar, atas zink. Erk. Hujan. Ergh.

"Encik, buka lah kasut tu, nanti puan marah."

"Huh? Okay, okay" Alamak lupa pulak bukak kasut. Apa ni, gila tak beradab. Sapa pulak tegur aku tadi? Oh, maid gamaknya. Tengah sibuk membersihkan karpet tebal warna putih bercorak tu.

"..Aizat.."

Lagi?

Aku bergerak, automatik. Menuju ke ruang antara dapur. Tapi, mana? Mana sambungan ke dapur? Mana pintu? Dah, bersimen? Apa ni? Aku, hanya mampu lihat di tingkap, ke arah garage, dapur, semua. Termenung. Sunyi. Banyak berubah dah rumah ni. Rindunya aku.

"Assalamualaikoommmm!!!"

"Wa'alaikum salam"

"Eh, Atiqah, what are you doing here?"

"I've been waiting for you, for ages, cepatlah, grab your bike!"

"Ha?"

Eh, dia. 5 tahun?

"Nanti lah, Aizat tengah terkejut lagilah. Hang ni loqlaq lah Atiqah. Report kat Mummy nanti tau"

Wait, Anwar? Kurus, berambut, macam dulu?

"Aizaat!"

Ismail? Tak sedar aku kau kecil sangat. Eh Habib? Eh? Ustazah Zee pun ada? Tadika ada buat rombongan. Wait, tadika?

"Aizat!" Wah Nasrun Faiq!

"Woit Aizat!" Mufid! Kau ingat lagi digimon ver 4 aku tu kat kau!

"Aizat, lama tak jumpe kau" Farouq, ah, rindu kau. Still pucat macam dulu. Patut lah aku terperasan Edward Cullen tu macam familiar, beza, kau rambut perang, dan kau pakai speck.

"Aizaatttt" Wan Muhammad Afiq Afifi! Mana abang kau, Afiq Aqili? Abang aku dah lama tak jumpa dia.

Sorang. Sorang. Afiqa, Hashima, Fitri, Haifa, dan cosin dia Hafiza, sorang, sorang.

Bob! Eh kau.. bulat? Zul! Bulat jugak, hahaha! Ada Shahrizan, ada Syed Tariq, ada Sofhatun, hahaha kecik kecik, comel! Semua muka budak-budak!

"Aizat! Bayar hutang!"

Ah Wei Lin! Xing Hui! Sue! Oh you're wearing tudung, but still looks good on you! Auffa, Devan, Rafique, Lili, Shalini, Nadmin, hahaha, semua datang nampak pint size je.

Amal, sambil pakai uniform sekolah biru kau! Hahaha, mE, still the same, which part of you yang nampak tua pun tak tau lah. Ada deevon, Aeons, kens, flame.. semua..

Sorang. Sorang. Satu, dua, tiga, sepuluh, sebelas, dua puluh tiga, lima pulah lapan, seratus tujuh.. ah, malas nak kira. Tersenyum. Sedikit demi sedikit. Semua. Dari kecil. Sampai ke menengah rendah, spam inc, atas, 7-e, 508, universiti, semua. Tak ada seorang pun. Tertinggal.

Termasuk, yang dah tak ada.

Baru aku sedar, ni.. Mimpi. Terurai mutiara kaca dari mata. Tatkala mereka semua melambai, memanggil masuk dalam susunan untuk bergambar. Mimik mulut, pergerakkan, "Cepat lahhhh! Kami dah reserve seat kat sini!"

Semua, dalam bentuk yang aku paling ingat. Haha..ha.. Seorang, demi seorang, sambil cahaya flash berkelipan, hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Makin laju air mata mengalir. Mulut aku, ternganga. air mata mengalir, ke mulut. Ah, hodoh rupa aku, agaknya.

"Jangan la macam ni, you look ugly" Sambil ada tangan letak atas bahu. Aku tak tertoleh. Teresak-esak aku. Makin laju ada lah.

Dua dua tangan dari dua dua bahu, mula dilunjurkan ke dada yang menahan sebak.

"Sabarlah, memang dugaan. I know that, you're strong kan?"

Berusaha aku, membukak mata. Buka buka, curtain meliuk liuk atas kepala, mata aku masih berair. Mendung cuaca pagi tak membantu, aku membeku di situ.

Menyesal, minta sedar awal dari mimpi tu.

Kelam (Kabut)

Aih.

Ni bukan repost.

Ni bukan entry Hari Raya, atau Hari Puasa.

Cuma,

Luahan hati dan perasaan,

tatkala hati ini duka nestapa.

Satu hari ini serba-serbi tak jadi.

Bukan.

Seminggu ini,

Semua tak kena.

Kerja aku tak menjadi, semua yang aku rancang tak menjadi.

Apa lah sangat aku ni, manusia biasa saja.

Apa-apa sajalah yang aku buat,

Aku tak tau betul ke salah.

kalau tak ada yang menegur,

perlu ke aku fikir yang aku buat salah?

Aku, memang tak confident pun sebenarnya.

Lagi-lagi, setelah apa jadi dekat aku.

Ah.

Kalau aku buat salah, aku sepuluh jari hulur, mohon maaf.

Aku terus terang cakap, aku tak ada niat nak buat kau orang sakit hati.

Walaupun terus terang cakap, kau orang memang buat aku sakit hati.

Tapi, aku, being myself, memang akan memaafkan kau orang.

Walau mana pun aku benci kau orang,

Yang pernah rapat dengan aku ke,

Yang sekepala dengan aku.

Dan, aku sebenarnya,

Tak suka macam ni.

Lagi suka kalau aku membenci.

Tak adalah rasa kekosongan tu.

Nak membenci tu tak lah jugak.

Tapi, mengampunkan.

Tak semua mengampunkan.

Tapi senang sangat aku.

Menyampah jugak lah.

Sedang orang buat berbagai dekat kau

lepas tu kau pula maafkan dia

kau

gila?

Biasalah,

BATU.

Bila perlu, untuk menghilangkan rasa sunyi,

sedih,

di campaknya ke laut

atau tasik.

Bajet cerita hollywood.

Tengok berapa kali dia terpelanting sebelum terjunam ke dasar.

Pastu tergelak.

Puas?

Bila tak perlu,

Nak tengok sebelah mata pun tidak!

Ah, manusia.

Puasa ni, aku sedaya upaya penuhi undangan,

sana ada undangan, kawan ajak berbuka,

sesi berbuka bersama fasi-fasi,

sesi berbuka bersama empayar22seratas yang berada di kl,

oh, bersama rakan sekolah tak ada pula. malang lah.

dengan spam inc. haha. last last aku dinner dengan mE.

Maaflah, mE, tak terlayan aku.

Cokelat tu, habiskan tak?

Sampai,

kadang-kadang aku nak berbuka dengan family aku pun tak sempat.

Complaint, yes. Salah aku ?

Entah.

Maybe.

Kerja, cari duit. Aku, tak kaya.

Tak sanggup mintak duit dekat mak bapak sendiri.

Betul, serious.

Aku, nak jugak jadi pengikis harta mak bapak aku.

"Papa nak Savvy"

Oh silap. Orang sekarang tak main la savvy. Diorang main kereta mahal.

"Papa, nak Neo"

Atau "Papa nak Golf GTi"

Tak dapat memberontak.

Okay lah maybe tak memberontak

Sebab selalunya akan termakbul.

Serious aku nak hidup macam tu. Betul.

"Alah, kau anak Dr boleh laa"

Aku tauu.

"Mintak lahh"

Tunggu ego aku menundukkan diri dia lah.

Aih.

Salah aku, kejar duit sangat. Kot.

Aku... makin jadi orang yang aku benci.

Dulu, aku mengkutuk orang yang

kini, jadi aku.

Bodoh betul, tapi.

Aku tak rancang.

--

Kawan, perkataan tu sangat besar.

Dari sejak kau lahir perkataan tu dah ada di sekeliling.

Waktu kecil kau dekat dalam wad bayi,

Kau tekapkan tangan kau, melihat di sebelah kau,

Dia pun senyum,

Kau dah ada kawan.

Sampai ke harini, kira lah jumlah kawan.

Ramai, sangat.

Sekarang, cuba kira mereka yang pergi.

Macam-macam sebab.

Sebab natural, pergi sebab ajal,

atau pergi sebab, dah lumrah.

Atau, yang pergi sebab,

Sebab kita manusia?

Kawan, pergi dan datang.

Semudah tu?

Tak, aku tak anggap kawan aku macam tu.

Tapi kalau betul lah macam tu.

Too bad then.

Aku, bertuah ada kau orang.

Yang pernah ada dalam hidup aku tatkala aku mencari haluan.

Masih aku ingat mesej-mesej kita 5 tahun lepas.

Masih aku ingat memori kita di bangku sekolah.

Atau di depan PS.

Atau di atas basikal, di tengah rambang.

Atau, di atas bumbung rumah, bawah langit hitam bermanikkan bintang.

Aku sedar, aku hanya manusia.

Tamak, dan naif.

Segala-gala aku fikir, senang.

Dari kecil sampai dewasa, sampai ke tua, aku tak mau jadi orang yang kejar duit sampai lupa keluarga.

Dari kecil sampai dewasa, sampai ke tua, aku tak mau lupa seorang pun kawan aku.

Nah.

Assurance dari seseorang, memang meyakinkan kau.

Tetapi, jika assurance itu hanya tinggal memori,

ianya memori yang pahit.

Sekarang,

Rumah yang besar, gelap ni,

Ruang yang kelam ni

Membuatkan aku rasa pilu.

Terkenang masa gembira,

tatkala menghampiri 1 Syawal,

di tambah rasa sedih,

meninggalkan Ramadhan.

Roh roh mula kembali untuk menerima azab setelah tamat Ramadhan.

Kegembiraan di kala melihat wajah orang yang tersayang

Semua itu hanya di bulan yang penuh barakah ini.

Kepada semua rakan taulan, aku mohon maaf atas segala apa yang aku buat.

Aku, cuma insan biasa. Betul.

Asyik buat salah. Tegur lah aku. Cakap depan aku, betul kan aku.

Ramadhan ni, aku harap kau orang gembira melaluinya.

Semua, ada pengalaman tersendiri.

Aku pun.

Udara yang dingin ini,

Tak membantu pernafasan aku.

Tersekat-sekat,

Dalam kesayuan, kerinduan, kepiluan, kegelapan.

Kesunyian.

Menahan sebak, bagai nak pecah.

Sunyi.

Kelam.

p/s : Selamat Hari Raya Aid'l Fitr. Maafkan segala kekurangan aku.