i've always have this feeling. i could've done better. i, can do this, i'm better than this. people always have this expectation of me. i used to have this, what i always recalled as an uneasy feeling, a heavy burden left on my shoulder.
although, i can do much better, i don't. i chose not to. how sick, and terrible person i am. destroying ppl hope, i guess. i'm sorry, i'm not really reliable. i can, but i, don't live up to the expectations i guess.
lack of self-motivation, kot. but then, do i need people to encourage me? i chose not to. it's not that i don't need them, who doesn't? but, the more trust i put into them, the lesser i get. Of course, who i am to blame them?
when they need me, i'm always there. but well, i'm not really an open guy. i'm more a reserved guy. always keep in myself. that'll eventually led me to my own downfall. hahaha. like always. but anyways. i, really have only myself to blame.
well a little bit of update about myself. i'm at.. 5th floor of my college. heh. was thinking of streaming a live game from here, but apparently, the modem router at this block's 5th floor seems to fucked up. and oh yea, why i'm here? because this floor have absolutely no people living here. and, because view from here is awesome. because, i used to live here. in my first year, but after that year, seems like this floor never got it's permanent resident, and i mean, living people haha. maybe lot of guess lived here for a month or two. but that's all.
so impulsively, i break inside one of this floor's room. and here i am. hahaha. how bad i am. yes i know. i'm a mischievous person. really. i'm not a good guy. well judging from my outer appearance, doesn't really look like one, but i'm not a good guy either.
life is not that simple. that's been in my head since i was little. and yeah, i learned things the hard way. almost get kicked from school for err, misbehaving? well i escaped, because my father is a YDP PIBG. so, yeah. my dad, well, obviously not happy bout that. so i learned something, if it's involve my parents water face (direct translation from bahasa), i won't do it. as simple as that.
so yeah, my hostel life at SM Sains Raja Tun Azlan Shah wasn't that easy, i was restricted by my own belief, my own, way of life. if i get involves in a single fight, I'll be kicked. well, that will involves my parents, and apparently my dad's and my warden seems to keep in touch a lot, so i'm not really, myself there, honestly.
i've been doing this kind of thing, since i can remember. First time that i really remember is, when i was 9. or wassit 8? anyway, my family was on a vacation at penang. Well, not really. Papa ada meeting and so, yeah. Papa and Mama was not there at that time, and somehow my beloved little sister locked the their connecting room's door. so i, climbed to the other side, via the outer veranda. and it was a freaking 7 story hotel. so yeahh. i was a daredevil, and i'm still am. maybe a little bit rusty.
not to mention, the thing i always do when i'm.. pretty much alone. and sad. lol. climbing the roof and, well, sit there in the middle of the night? thank god no one notice it, cause they'll claim i was trying to break my own house! ahh, those memories. oh and if you guys don't know, i'm actually pretty much a scenery chaser. i enjoy view so much, i tried to keep looking at sky sometimes, and make some people mad at me for not listening to their rants. haha. well, it actually calms me. i guess. or it doesn't bored me much. i can guess people's behavior, but not the nature's.
and i was pretty much lucky to see a shooting star. remember? thanks.
sometimes, life are not meant to be, as we planned. well, to those that actually make their life, as they wanted it, waw. congrats. what more can i say. as i said before, i learned things, the hard way. i always knew what is the right thing, but, i don't do it. that's the problem. always.
and then, i end up regretting it. and blaming myself.
the ghost of the past will always haunt you. the nightmare will come to you, and not others. the nightmare of the past.
what am i blabbering here.
oh well. it's not like you guys read this whole damn thing anyways. and to actually realize what I'm saying. I'm not understandable, is what I believe. Yes.
anyway, good luck, me. go, and be happy. no one will make you happy. you, only have to blame yourself. so. just. be happy. i guess.