Monday Blues

Lepas puas aku menatap dinding serta siling, pintu bilik aku dibukak, kelihatan sosok besar di sebalik cahaya luar bilik aku. Kegelapan bilik aku hilang tatkala beliau membukak lampu. Lalu aku mencapai tuala untuk ke bilik air. Rumet aku usha je.

Separuh jalan, aku bukak songbird dan mula memilih lagu untuk didengari ketika aku mandi. Baru tekan lagu Malayneum, terdengar pintu bilik air tertutup. Hah. Bagus sangat lah tu. aku nak mandi kau pun kelam kabut nak mandi jugak. Nampak aku pegang towel tu, boleh lak rushing nak gi mandi. Terbaik.

Terus aku tukar Silent Night, Bodom Night.

Lepas salin baju timberland, pakai short aku plan nak pegi PSZ. Stadi siket, ada quiz php. Internet dekat kolej takde. Lagi satu fucked up. Sebelum tu egt nak gi Subway. Memanjakan diri, plus it's monday, it's BMT day. Turun turun bawah je, tengok ada kereta parking belakang aku.

BAPAK PANAS GILA HATI AKU.

Takpe, aku chill. Rilek sudah. So aku serta merta bukak beg aku, tulis guna marker. Ikutkan hati bukan stakat signature guna kunci kereta aku sebesar2 alam kat kereta mamat tu, aku kemekkan jugak kereta dia.

"Lain kali, parking taruk la gear neutral (N), boleh? Thx"

So camne. Belakang aku ade kereta. Sebelah aku ade kereta. Camne aku nak keluar? Aku kire ade la gap sikit, bajet2 sikit gile je, malas nak fikir panjang, aku terus je ah pusing stereng kete tu, pulas kiri, pulas kanan, gear D, gear R, gear D, gear R, pusing lagi stereng.

Last-last skali bjaye. Bjaye menahan sabar, serta berjaya keluar. Hasil "CONFIDENT" habis aku setelah bertaun2 drive. Sape-sape lagi lepas ni ragu-ragu dengan skill bawak kereta aku memang aku tak tau nak cakap ape.

Tengok la, besau mane je derang tinggal. Bapak celaka doe.

So aku teruskan lah plan aku, plus it's just 9.20. Awal lagi. Kedai tutup pukul 10. Sempat jugak aku makan BMT. Aku harapkan semua berjalan dengan lancar, rupanya, hujan ribut jangan disangka 3-4 jam je, cuba expect 24jam baru habis.

Masuk je Wangsa Walk Mall tu, aku nampak line berator panjaaaaang je. Bullshit. Aku dengan control nye pergi lah beratur belakang line tu. Sorang-sorang beli. Nampak orang beli roti oat je, dengan parmesan oregamo. Apekes?

Dah penat berator tu, lagi 2 orang, aku punye turn, maka the worst shit happens.

"Bang, roti dah habis lah. "

WTFBBQ.

Terus aku melangkah lajuuuu je pergi BBQ Chicken. Makan sini lagi puas hati. Habis makan pukul 10.10. Terbaik. Plan aku nak pergi PSZ? Mimpi jela.

painkiller.

GEDEGANGG!

Aku menghempas pintu tu sekuat mungkin. Bodoh betul. Nak cakap bodoh tu, tak lah, tapi agaknya bodoh sangat kot. Di kuaknya pintu tu, dilihat aku dengan kemeja pinstripe aku bertie hitam, dalam bilik air?

"Kau dah apesal hentak pintu aku kuat-kuat?"

"Kau banggang hape?" Dia tanya aku elok-elok aku balas dengan nada tinggi. Memang panas hati aku.

"Apesal pulak kau cakap aku banggang?"

"Sejak sem lepas lagi, aku masuk bilik air ni, aku tutup pintu kau, kau tak paham bahasa lagi ke?"

"Eh sukahati aku la nak tutup ke tak pintu aku. Tak kacau kau pun kan?"

"Tak kacau? Kau cakap tak kacau?"

"..."

"Cuba kau bagitau apa pasal kau bukak pintu bilik kau? Cakap lah!"

"..."

"Meh aku bagitau kau, pasal bilik kau tu busuk! Pegi mampos bilik kau memang busuk nak mampos! Setiap kali aku bukak pintu bilik air aku, aku bau bilik kau, kau tau? Menyampah! Kalau wangi takpe, ni busuk macam haram! Aku nak berak pun tak senang. Apehal kau? Aku lagi rela bau taik aku dari bau bilik kau, sumpah busuk gila! Kau bukak pintu bilik air kau tau lak bilik kau busuk, jaga lah kebersihan bilik kau! Ini kan tidak, sampai ke bilik air kotor, asal, kau ingat bilik air kau sorang je? Kalau kau bersihkan jugak takpe lah! Aku yang kena bersihkan kau tau, kalau kau cakap thanks ke hape takpe jugak, ini kau buat ape? Buat kotor balik ade lah! Tak sampai seminggu dah kotor balik, gile penggotor sial kau ni! ape, rumah kau kau buat apa? sarang tikus?"

"..."

"Dah la rumet aku macam babi, kau pun nak perangai macam babi, pengotor! Harap pergi surau, solat, macam macam ah, tapi kalau kebersihan tak jaga ape kes? Memang perangai macam babi"

Lalu aku hempas lagi pintu bilik air tu. Sekuat hati aku. Macam sampah. Geram aku tak hilang lagi. Dinding jadi mangsa penumbuk aku. Aku tumbuk sekuat mungkin, gedebuk. Bila jadi macam ni, adrenalin aku merasuki aku. Aku tak rasa apa-apa. Tapi 3 minit kemudian, to my surprise, my fist hurts. Betul, aku dah jadi makin lembik. Aku tak terkejut, tapi aku tak tau pulak, sampai macam ni punya lembik.

Dari buku lima aku hingga ke pergelangan tangan, kemudian ke forearm, ke siku dan bahu, sakit tu sikit-sikit merebak, seiring kehilangan adrenalin aku.

Aku menghempaskan badan aku di katil. Memikirkan betapa masa berubah. Betapa aku makin lemah. Betapa aku sangat lemah. Betapa lama lagi, aku kena berlakon kuat. Sampai bila? Mana lagi aku nak kutip kekuatan aku? Family? Kawan? Siapa? Duit? Apa? Mana?

Siapa cakap aku tak pernah buat silap? Siapa cakap aku ni kuat? Siapa cakap aku ni takde hati perasaan? Siapa cakap aku ni ada confident yang tinggi? Siapa cakap yang aku ni tak perlukan sapa sapa dalam hidup aku?

Siapa cakap aku ada sumber kekuatan dalam hidup aku? Siapa?

Aku amat prone untuk membuat kesalahan, aku tak pernah nya perfect. Tapi aku berharap sangat-sangat, sebelum aku makin kritikal membuat salah, aku sedar apa salah aku. Aku cuma manusia biasa, aku perlukan orang lain jugak untuk hidup, ye ini shout out aku. Aku sedar sapa aku sekarang.

Aku tak kuat, malah amat lembik, seiring dengan keadaan masa yang memamah zaman.

Aku sering membuat kesilapan, aku alpa.

Aku buntu.

Siapa sekarang Saiful Aizat? Apa dah jadi dengan aku?

the boy who can just dream.

title atas sepatutnya, the boy who always dream, but I just realised, I can only just dream. No, I actually can not dream. sigh.

anyway, today I was back at home. for just a night. I thought it will be a normal weekend for me. Nothing but food, internet, bed, movies and lazy sunny afternoon. But when I noticed mama is not around (again), I was like, "Shit, it's going to be suckier like this." Mama is at Kuching at this moment, and after that she'll be at Australia.

In all honesty, I'm not a mama boy. Neither does a papa boy. I'm not their greatest hope, I'm not exactly a son that parents will be proud saying to their friends. What I'm trying to say is,

I suck.

I'm just hanging on, trying my best to not further their sadness. Just be good, at least in front of them. At least don't let them feel hurt anymore.

I can say that my dad's favourite child is either my older neechan, or my younger neechan. My mom's will always be my niichan. That's how it always gonna be. It's not like I'm the black sheep of the family, I'm being hated and stuff, but they will always be favoured instead of me. I don't want to elaborate any further than this, so I guess I skip to the point of what happened today.

So what happened after that is, I just don't go outside of my room. I was blankly staring outside the window, I was staring at the opposite wall just in case I can see thru it.. just in case.

Basically, I'm doing nothing. I felt hurt, bored, sad, and annoyed. I was really, really upset.

Until, my dearest imouto, Aizati called. She wants me to pick her up at her school. I was like wtf. Oh, it's raining manng. Looks like my eyes cannot psychicly lift up the glass jar (the one I posted here) after I stare it for a while.

I was literally dragging my foot towards my car, only to realise I din bring my car key with me. And I asked for Kak Ngah's help to fetch the car key, shows how negative I was this evening.

So when I got back, I stuck in my room again, with nothing to do, again. I was googling Jason Mraz's live act when suddenly I decided to open my facebook, and saw Khirthanaa's. And out of the blue, Devan asked me to open my skype. As soon as I login, he invited me for a conversation, and he was with Khirthanaa. We voice chatted a bit, because Skype apparently, cannot do a video conference, I was like dang, such a turn off.

But then I asked them to install ooVoo, and we had a pretty awkward, cool, shitty and rubish conversation, but it was lovely. LOL.

everyone was getting hype about this vid conf

started to talk more bullshits..

and some weird stuff..

it was actually suppose to be Holy Shit-thanaa, but thanks to the owner of the name's punya reluctancy to do so, we have to satisfied with shitthanaa saje.

Rafique promised to online at 8, and this photo was taken at 8.15pm, where we are getting crappier every passing seconds. lol.

So this ends after I quitting for my Maghrib prayer and Isyak's, and mandi. After mandi a bit, I went downstairs, in the hunt for some things that can be eaten. I was basically starving, since afternoon, and Amal doesn't help me A BIT. sigh.

Downstairs I jumped into my dad, he's carrying a baldi full of water. It was weird, really. He explained he's in the middle of washing his beloved Mini Cooper S Checkmate Version which I WAS FUCKING ENVIOUS ABOUT, because he had some meeting early in the morning of Saturday. Oh, so I though it was kinda cool, my promised to my car that I'll wash her last week after 2 weeks of stormy seasons seems to be like a fairy tail story, so I quickly joined my dad.

At first I tried to help him here and there, but realising there was only one washing towel, I decided to wait until he finish one part of the car, I rinse it with water. This continue until he finished washing his car, and I continued on my car pulak.

We chatted a bit, talking about stuff. I never really know what to chat, really. It's been ages since last time we had a talk, or rather, time to talk. Look, my best passion is obviously football, but my dad left sports like, 20 years ago. And I don't want to talk about politics with him, he's damn twisted, more twisted than me I can say.

The only thing left we share in common was, CARS. It will always be CAR, nothing else. But still, it was going nowhere. I was really, really blur, and dumbfounded by the opportunity to actually have a conversation with him, and it's slipping awaaayyyyy. damn.

In the end, I just be happy with our 10 minutes talk, or rather, pauses. LOL. It was awkward for both of us, but I ran away with nothing but happiness and satisfied by the outcome. HAHAHA

Oh well. I feel like an idiot right now. At least I felt better, I can only expect for this to come by as, nothing else. It was up to my expectation.

Tak macam something else. Lain yang diharap, lain yang jadi. sigh.

Well, I can only just dream about it.

all night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep.

My kancil is actually need to be repaired asap. Now, I don't know what happened. My radio just won't turn on, so does my digital clock inside the car. Figure it must be something to do about my car's battery, maybe the alternator is loosed, somehow.

And I think my suspension is a bye-bye. Pity to my friends, they have to felt the uneasiness when my car went through some hump and bump, and esp on a wavy road, like DUKE highway's.

Also my exhaust piping system need to be change, it is old enough, (15 years, whaddyu expect?) and it's rattling.

But the main problem I think was my engine block. Figure I have to change only the block, the outside. All the inside (piston, etc) is doing fine. This is because my car is emitting too much smoke, even when it's not moving. This happened because of my piston ring, is scratched (issit the right term? whatever.) or something, thus the process of piston shifting up and down like we all learnt during our school years happened not smooth enough.

This is usually the syndrome of an old car. I hate to admit it, yeah she is old. I still think that she is superb, she still taking care of me, eventhough it almost like she needed my attention, to fix something.. I guess. Like, that spin at AKLEH? I figured that it is actually some screw are loose when fixing the new tyres.

In all my honesty, I'd be lying if I do not want a new car. But deeeeeeep down inside, I don't want to lose this car. It was almost certain that I felt some attachment toward this car, a very, deep, attachment. I just can't imagine the day I let go of this car. Will anyone else treasure this car? Will they take good care of this car? Or

Will I can cope with the absence of the car? I mean, I know it sounds so, wrong. It's just a freaking car. But it's a freaking 16 years car! I mean, I was 5 when I first saw this car. And ever since, she was a part of my life. I slept inside her, I dreamt inside her, I cried inside her. She was almost like my other half. She's been there long enough to know MOST of me. Maybe much more than you guys knew me.

I end up rambling. Pft.

As I entered my room, it was very dull, and empty. Dark, and null. My roomate wasn't inside. Just one step inside my room, I felt my heart beats faster. Then, when I felt sweaty, on a very cold early morning, the only two words I can google inside my head was, 1, fuck. A few seconds after that, I felt blurry, quickly I realized what was going on and I spit the last word, ya Allah. And I don't know what else happened.

I opened my eyes and everything was still plain darkness. I felt weak, really, really weak. Now I know how weak my body is. Still, I wasn't feeling my body. I felt, dizzy and everything. It was horrible, terrible. It always feel terrible like this. After a few hours, I gave up my classes for today. I know I won't focus inside my class, heck, I don't know if I can walk or not.

I end up sleeping, yes, but with the help of the sleeping pill. At least I'm having my sleep again.

I feel bad skipping my class. HAHA.

Drops of Jupiter

Setelah aku kecewa dengan hari semalam, lain pula ceritanya hari ini. Pagi tidak bermula dengan baik, aku agak kecewa dengan prestasi presentation kumpulan aku. Bagi aku, aku boleh buat lagi baik dari sedia ada, sebagai flash maker.

Petangnya pula, aku menerima satu kotak, yang memberi aku beribu-ribu lemon soalan. Berat, apa isinya? Kenapa sekarang? Dan macam-macam lagi.

Dan bila aku bukak kotak tu, aku, tiada reaksi. 5 minit mengusha je isi kotak tu. Baru ada rasa something. Rasa, sayu. sebak. Terharu.

Origami Crane yang dilipat satu per satu. Disertakan dengan frame gambar, dan surat. Cheesy, aku benci benda macam ni. Tapi bila aku dapat benda macam ni, aku rasa macam nak pecah.

First impression aku dengan hadiah aku ni, aku bukak-bukak rasa macam, semua crane ni nak terbang. Bodoh, kan? Sebab dia, melimpah. Banyak sangat I guess. Tapi entah, tak kira pulak. Eventhough I'm the kind of guy yang sangat kesah pasal nombor.

Setiap Crane tu bernota. Tak ada keje ke lipat kertas2 nota tu? Sanggup mengadaikan masa, lipat lipat beratus ratus kertas tu, menulis setiap kertas kecik tu dengan penuh tekun. gile. kalau aku tak hargai, macam mana?

Tapi, sebangang bangang aku pun, aku belajar dari kesilapan aku sendiri. Aku, bukak satu je crane tu, tu pun sebab dia dah terbongkang dalam kotak tu. Bacabaca, terus lemah semangat. Tak sanggup nak terus membuka yang lain.

Kalau bukak yang lain, apa lagi tinggal?

Nak lipat balik, haram aku tau pulak pasal origami ni.

Terima Kasih daun keladi. Aku, aku terkesima. Aku tak terkata. Aku, speechless, frankly, aku rasa macam orang sewel jap. Aku, berterima kasih. Aku takkan lupa. Hadiah paling, something buat aku.

Untuk orang macam aku, ini pun dah cukup untuk menyahgaramkan luka dekat hati aku. At least, I felt, better. Much, much, better.

This is something yang buat kita rasa worth it untuk stay here, and be strong.

Aku, masih tak terkata.

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah

Amaran; Wanita mengandung tak boleh tengok wayang ni, sebab wayang ni sumpah cuak gile Segala yang berkaitan dengan post aku ni, fiksyen berdasarkan cerita nyata, segala kena mengena samada yang masih hidup ataupun yang telah tiada adalah secara kebetulan, dan siapa makan cili terasa pedasnya.

Setelah selesai menonton The Damned United, cerita yang berkaitan dengan salah satu rival yang paling aku benci dalam sejarah bolasepak Manchester United, iaitu Leeds, (ya, Leeds memang Damned.) aku gosok-gosok mata. Matahari mula memberi salam, burung-burung memulakan pekerjaan mereka, aku juga perlu begitu. Selesai menggosok gigi, aku mula merasakan bahawa aku ada suatu masalah. Tapi aku tidak endahkan, kerana aku tidak tahu akan nature sebenar masalah tersebut. Dan, malanglah aku kerana aku naif.

Selesai mengenakan jeans hitam lusuh, aku menghirup Orange Minute Maid kegemaran, dan melemparkan pandangan ke luar. Ah, ceria sungguh pagi ni. Menjanjikan seribu satu harapan. Semoga hari ini lebih baik dari semalam. Semalam.. interesting. Hari ini, tolonglah, aku perlukan suatu konsistensi. Pagi yang indah selalunya menandakan hari yang cemerlang gemilang bukan temberang.

Jangkaan aku bakal meleset, tapi terdapat kebenaran sedikit di situ. Kalau pagi ini merupakan pagi yang baik, sudah tentu penamat hari ini sangat baik. Awalnya pagi itu memang baik. Tapi, semua berubah tatkala aku membuka almari ajaib aku. Ajaib, kerana, makin berkurangan isinya tiap hari, mulai Isnin. Pagi ini, aku melihat almari yang kosong. Kosong dengan baju berkolar. Ah, sweater ada. Ada apa hal? Lalu aku menoleh ke arah kerusi. Baru aku sedar yang, sweater aku telah dengan murah hati aku pinjamkan kepada teman.

Mampos.

Jam 3 ringgit ikea ku menunjukkan jam 8.45. Amaran awal dari si Ustaz yang mengajar subjek Tassawur melemahkan lutut aku bukan atas sebab yang peribadi, tetapi sebab natural. Gelabah sudah, aku mencapai baju t-shirt putih aku, lalu aku teringat solusi yang tidak menggunakan duit minyak aku untuk membayar kesilapan bodoh aku, saman. Solusi yang jangka pendek. Pendek macam akal aku ketika itu. Ah, sapa suruh lu tinggal mat. Aku sebat saja tinggalan abang aku itu.

Itulah titik perubahan hari aku.

Sampai sahaja di tingkat bawah, aku mendapat message. Terperasan sudah lewat yg amat, dan baru terperasan bahawa aku tertinggal kunci kereta. Bergegas ke arah bas UTM, lalu mengetuk pintu bas tersebut, mengucapkan ayat harus untuk membolehkan aku masuk bas.

"Bang, tolonglah, saya dah lambat ni, saya sanggup bayar triple bang!"

Gurau. Aku tak lah cakap camtu, tapi aku sanggup cakap camtu. Semangat nak pegi lecture punya pasal.

Dalam bas aku mula perasan mata-mata mula mengerling ke arah aku. Eh, apa hal? Aku.. tak zip seluar ke? Check jap. Okay je. Lalu aku mengalihkan pandangan ke luar, menghiraukan mereka yang ku tak ambil peduli.

"Saiful you looked different today", tegur Aqeela, sebaik tepat lagu Fever habis berkumandang.

"I know."

"Why you pulled up your zip all the way?" tegur Aqeela lagi, zip jacket aku, bukan zip seluar aku.

"Because I felt weird."

---

"Fuyo sepul, gile rempit sial kau dressing"

STABBED. Baru aku sedar. Baru aku perasan. Aku pakai cam Farid Kamil seyh! Gile ah. Eh jap apa aku buat ni. Maksud aku, aku berasa terkilan kerana lambat perasan dressing aku ala rempit. Ah, sorang dua je perasan. Takpe.

---

"Sepul, apasal kau minum oren?"

"Huh?" Buang tebiat ape Fazlan ni. Tibe-tibe je. Minum oren pun pelik ke?

"Bukan, maksud aku, rempit bukan paw member lain je ke?"

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---- ini dah kasar. Ah, tak boleh jadi. Aku kena buat sesuatu. Ku toleh kiri, kanan. Peh, semua stok minum air langit je, aku nak paw ape? Air aku lagi hot dari diorang! Lalu aku cuba satu lagi pendekatan, "Follow the flow"

"Der, wa nak paw lu punya air boleh der?" Selamba aku mintak air burn. Pergh, ala rempit sejati siak.

Malangnya, usaha aku disambut dengan deraian hilai tawa member aku yang bernama Aldo Conrad ni. Serta di sorak sorai oleh Nazrul dan Fazlan. Wah sudah. Memang hari aku kena apa?

"Kau tak payah la, rempit kau fel gila. bunyi comel gila, kahkahkahkah" Bunyi gelak sitkom tu menghantui aku. Impian aku nak jadi sekayu Farid Kamil mula tinggal angan-angan mat jenin. Maka kami semua ke PSZ selesai melihat rakan ku Hazwan berlari mengejar bas keliling UTM menjamu selera di Selera Kampus.

---

Dengan penuh azam iltizam aku menghentak-hentak keyboard ala Hang Keyboard pahlawan keyboard zaman meleis kuala lumpur instead of zaman melayu melaka. Aku mula bermain dengan api; status updated.

"ye ah wa rempit ah arini. lu orang buat bising ada apa hal?" dengan harapan, semua akan terpegun, dan mula menghormati dressing Farid Kamil aku. Tapi, tak sampai 2 minit pun, orang pertama dah like status aku.

Fakta Nombor.

2 - Minit yang diperlukan untuk seseorang mula like comment aku.

15 - Minit yang boleh tahan hell mula menjenguh status aku, apabila

4 - orang pertama cuba menganjing aku.

20 - Minit pertama sebanyak 38 comment mendoggie aku

.

10 - Baki comment adalah usaha aku untuk mendoggie orang lain.

sebanyak 2 comment cubaan untuk mendoggie diteruskan kemudian.

dan 1 helai jaket hitam telah disumbat dalam almari ajaib berkuatkuasa serta merta setelah aku menjejakkan kaki ke dalam bilik aku.

and the rest is like they all said. IS HISTORY.

solitaire

"Jum derma darah"

"Jum, taleh miss ni. Boleh jadi rutin setiap tahun"

"Setiap tahun?"

"Dari form 5, plkn, smpai tahun ni"

"Well good for ya."

"Dik derma darah?"

"Ye"

"Ade kad?"

"Er, tak bawak."

"Oh, em, adik demam, selsema, batuk?"

"Tak, saya sihat dan kuat sejahtera"

"Tidur cukup?"

"...."

---

Kali ni, aku dah melampaui batas. Aku dah tak tahan.

Aku dah tak sanggup.

Everything starts to come back at me.

Aku dah tak kisah.

Mana-mana pun.

Macam mana aku boleh tak perasan mE ada sekali? Kan kau kena dragged.

Padan muka.

Aku.. mintak maaf.

Mana-mana pun boleh.

Stesen minyak pun boleh.

Aku rasa lemah je lutut.

Bukan sebab faktor semulajadi seorang lelaki.

Tapi sebab aku rasa lemah satu badan.

Aku dah tak tahan.

Stesen minyak pun boleh.

Dengan kereta lalu lalang.

Menghentak-hentak kepala

harapan, menghilangkan semua igauan.

menumbuk-numbuk lantai,

menahan rasa sedih dan bersalah

sampai berdarah

sekeliling aku lihat bagai kaca nak pecah

pecah,

bersepah,

berderai.

aku tak kuat pun.

kenapa

aku tak mintak pun.

kenapa

mustahil gila

kenapa

orang lain tak rasa sikit pun apa aku rasa

kenapa

orang tamak selalu rugi.

padan muka kau, tak pandai hargai

sekarang baru tercari-cari

lupa harga diri.

peduli apa

kau.

kau kesah apa.

drama aku, satu je watak.

aku.

protagonis, kehidupan aku.

antagonis, aku.

mangsa keadaan, aku.

terima kasih.

sama-sama.

Solitaire

There was a man, a lonely man,

who lost his love through his indifference.

A heart that cared, that went unshared,

until it died within his silence.

And Solitaire's the only game in town,

and every road that takes him down.

And by himself, it's easy to pretend,

he'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game,

without her love it always ends the same.

While life goes on around him everywhere,

he's playing Solitaire.

A little hope goes up in smoke,

just how it goes, goes without saying.

There was a man, a lonely man,

who would command the hand he's playing.

And Solitaire's the only game in town,

and every road that takes him down.

And by himself, it's easy to pretend,

he'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game,

without her love it always ends the same.

While life goes on around him everywhere,

he's playing Solitaire.

*siapa kau

mana kau?

kenapa kau tiada?

kenapa kau pergi?

kenapa kau ada, dan tiada?

kau ada, kan?

kalau ada, kejutkan aku!

walau apa sekali kau, aku tau kau tak wujud

personafikasi, mimpi,

siapa kau?

aku?

mimpi, igauan?

hahahaha

angan-angan?

BODOH!

khayalan?

Jahil!

..atau..

HAHAHAHAHA

personafikasi? khayalan? mimpi? qarin?

qarin - teman, rakan (pendamping manusia)

"Dia seperti menjadi kembar manusia dan kerana itulah qarin boleh memberitahu perkara lampau mengenai seseorang."

"Tidak semua mimpi kita yang didatangi oleh roh orang yang telah mati ialah roh tersebut, kadangkala qarin itu boleh menjelma dalam mimpi dengan menyerupai orang yang telah mati."

qarin, personafikasi, khayalan, atau... memori?

*touch me, when we're dancing.

"Play us a song we can slow dance

On we wanna hold each other

Play us a groove so we hardly move

Just let our hearts be together"

*sebut nama*

oh, hai

hai!

hm

hm? hm je? kenapa ni?

takde ape.

ok ok, soalan poyo. how are youuuuu?

not goooooooooooooooooooooooood.

ish.

ape ish ish.

apesal not good?

hm, entah le

entah?

malas nak cerite. panjang beno.

ah pemalas!

eh biaw le.

wek.

....

nak tidur dah ke?

boleh pulak tidur.

tak boleh lagi?

em, not yet. perhaps later..

perhaps?

oh ya

yes?

kenapa suka lagu ni?

hm, hahahaha

eh gelak pulak. gile?

eh tuduh saye gile pulak. die tu?

hah. asal gile?

ni, tak gile?

HAHAHAHA

gelak, gelak.

hah, jawab lah

oh, emmm. susah lah nak explain.

ler, cakap le sbb awak suke carpenter ke, sbb awak suke dengar lagu lama ke,

bukan, hmm.

habis?

sebab.. lirik dia. and their music. and her voice.

sama dengan, awak suka carpenter lah kann?

well sort of

pft

what pft?

kan senang?

em!

lagu ni cheesy.

hahahaha, lebih kurang.

I kinda hate it.

huhhhh? Why????

like I said, it's kinda cheesy.

habis tu, awak suka lagu macam apa?

hahaha, awak tau kan..

yelah, minat le sangat lagu-lagu gloomy, nirvana lah ape lah, eeee. emo boy. booo.

what the.. eh, you don't booo other people's opinion kay?

oh now what, I have to follow you're rules?

yea!

Hmph! It's not like there's any rule anyways

Ade, the unspoken oneeee.

ahh, sentiasa ada je.

*sebut nama*

yes?

I missed you.

...omaigod.

Awat?

oh, my god! You've changed!

I changed? Can I lol?

Yes you can, pegi lahh.

taknak.

hee.

kenapa?

suka.

huh?

takde ape lah. missed you too.

em..

do you still want me to keep you company till early?

yea, boleh?

well, it's not like I have anything to do..

hahahha, ha'ah kan.

I know, you are devastated right now

..

But like you always said, this is life. Life won't get much easier.

Hahaha, how I missed the optimistic me.

You are optimistic!

Yea, back then, when I was naive!

You're not naive..

I am, that's why I'm here, that's why I'm like this, I was fucking stupid to be such positive, I should see all of this

But what happened..

I was optimist, because I.. I don't want to --

I know, that's why I gather all my strength too..

I, I..

You know, you are the reason I became stronger

Well I want a reason for me to be strong too

You don't have too, you are strong

I'm not..

*hug*

You are so cold..

Kan? There's no warmness dah.

But I can feel it, somehow

Lies! Haha!

Heh, tak caya sudah.

Say, why don't you opened up your media player?

Media player?

Winamp lahh. Tau la suka pakai winamp.

Winamp? Tak main lah! Songbird hokey.

Like hell I knew about all this new softwares!

Hahaha. So?

Oh, pasang lah Carpenters.

Hm? Nak lagu dia lah tuu.

Habis, nak pasang lagu apa?

"This Masquerade".

Eh, you tau pulak?

Eh of course, I'm their number 1 fan kan?

Booo! Bila masa pulak.

Hehehe. entah.

God how I miss this song

Hee. Thanks.

For?

Everything. Now. Then.

Nope, thanks to you.

Me?

Yelah, mutual. You're the reason I am right now, and you're thanking me? I should be thanking you!

Haha, yelah-yelah, kalau nak argue cepat je die

Eleh padahal dia yang suka argue.

Manade! I've changed!

You're not!

I do!

Hish

...

"We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way"

...

"We're lost inside this lonely game we play"

Eh? Haha, terus.

"Thoughts of leaving disappear, each time i see your eyes..

And no matter how hard i try to understand the reasons..

Why we carry on this way.. We're lost in this masquerade.."

Take care..

rainy days and mondays.

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like I don't belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
It's nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me

What I feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me

Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Hanging By a Moment

So as usual, after finish reading the slides, again, I lay down at my bed, staring at the ceiling, staring at the unmoving blades of the fan. I had no idea what time is it. Really. These past few days are just plain stupid, sucks and undeniably fucked up. The weather doesn't help at all. And, I am really bored. Fucking bored, stupid and sad. All of this, caused by nothing. And I can't sleep.

Grabbed my Torch (yes, I have a f-ing torch!), sms-ed Bob and Rafique. Asked them wheter they're free. I just wanted to go out. I just, want to release all these negetive feelings. To them is all I can hope, and the result usually unsatisfying. Rafique declined to go, but Bob agreed. Well, at least you have someone kan instead of nothing. Abang volunteered to drive, I sat at the back, and Bob in front. We just, went randomly. Of course, our first idea was to go to CC, like we always end up if we go on a night outing together. Play a few games of dotA, hoN, and CS, had fun like a teenagers again. Bob recalled on how things have changed. And it's been forever since we play games like we did today. CS especially, Bob is getting better, much much better. I'm getting rusty, but at least my machine-gun is far more accurate than I used to. We screamed like little boys, and yelled at each other. It was funny, it was something, different. It came out sincerely. What we really are. We're just fucked up in this life as an early adult, Bob is working, me and my bro with university stuff and all, with Abang's love life, Bob's too, and some teenagers issues, it's been a while since we really don't think of it.

It was 4 something, when we are back inside the Spectra. I sat, at first. Then I lay down. Abang tuned into Mix FM, and Lifehouse's Hanging by a moment was playing. I was so psyched, because I totally forgot about this song.

Remembered how I used to enjoy listening to Hitz FM at 2, 3 am, while sitting at the roof, or lying, perhaps the better word. Listening to The Reason, My Sacrifice, Hanging by a Moment, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, etc, looking up the stars. After that comes Usher's Burn. Man, I actually kinda dislike this song, but somehow now, I missed it, and I sang along. HAHA. Then Bob followed, but Abang didn't. He din know much about songs. Think you should, let it burrnnnnn. After the song ends, Bob uses his N8, and whatever method he use, he synched with our radio frequency, and we listen to his songs inside his N8. He played OMG at first, as a followed up for that Burn. Then he switched into some Malay songs. Saleem's, if I'm not mistaken. We sang, we screamed. And then, the worst possible scenario happened. Next song was inside Bob's playlist is Lefthanded's Tiada Lagi Kidung Mu. I know most of the lyrics. Because I became attached to this song few years back. We sang along again, loudly. During the chorus, "tiada lagi, ku dengar kidung mu, tiada lagi derai tawa mu," I was basically singing loudly, and crying unnoticeably. I was devestated, really. It was almost like without any reason, everything is coming back at me. I felt the sadness, the emptiness, the void, the darkness. The negativity.

I don't remember when we arrived at Bob's house, I was too lazy to sit in front. So I just, lying at the back seat, staring at nothing, and finally turned my head upward, towards the window. I can clearly see the sky, it was clear, and full of stars.

And I'm back at my house again, waiting patiently what will happen tomorrow, the day after that, and so on.