05 February, 2011

Hanging By a Moment

So as usual, after finish reading the slides, again, I lay down at my bed, staring at the ceiling, staring at the unmoving blades of the fan. I had no idea what time is it. Really. These past few days are just plain stupid, sucks and undeniably fucked up. The weather doesn't help at all. And, I am really bored. Fucking bored, stupid and sad. All of this, caused by nothing. And I can't sleep.

Grabbed my Torch (yes, I have a f-ing torch!), sms-ed Bob and Rafique. Asked them wheter they're free. I just wanted to go out. I just, want to release all these negetive feelings. To them is all I can hope, and the result usually unsatisfying. Rafique declined to go, but Bob agreed. Well, at least you have someone kan instead of nothing. Abang volunteered to drive, I sat at the back, and Bob in front. We just, went randomly. Of course, our first idea was to go to CC, like we always end up if we go on a night outing together. Play a few games of dotA, hoN, and CS, had fun like a teenagers again. Bob recalled on how things have changed. And it's been forever since we play games like we did today. CS especially, Bob is getting better, much much better. I'm getting rusty, but at least my machine-gun is far more accurate than I used to. We screamed like little boys, and yelled at each other. It was funny, it was something, different. It came out sincerely. What we really are. We're just fucked up in this life as an early adult, Bob is working, me and my bro with university stuff and all, with Abang's love life, Bob's too, and some teenagers issues, it's been a while since we really don't think of it.

It was 4 something, when we are back inside the Spectra. I sat, at first. Then I lay down. Abang tuned into Mix FM, and Lifehouse's Hanging by a moment was playing. I was so psyched, because I totally forgot about this song.

Remembered how I used to enjoy listening to Hitz FM at 2, 3 am, while sitting at the roof, or lying, perhaps the better word. Listening to The Reason, My Sacrifice, Hanging by a Moment, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, etc, looking up the stars. After that comes Usher's Burn. Man, I actually kinda dislike this song, but somehow now, I missed it, and I sang along. HAHA. Then Bob followed, but Abang didn't. He din know much about songs. Think you should, let it burrnnnnn. After the song ends, Bob uses his N8, and whatever method he use, he synched with our radio frequency, and we listen to his songs inside his N8. He played OMG at first, as a followed up for that Burn. Then he switched into some Malay songs. Saleem's, if I'm not mistaken. We sang, we screamed. And then, the worst possible scenario happened. Next song was inside Bob's playlist is Lefthanded's Tiada Lagi Kidung Mu. I know most of the lyrics. Because I became attached to this song few years back. We sang along again, loudly. During the chorus, "tiada lagi, ku dengar kidung mu, tiada lagi derai tawa mu," I was basically singing loudly, and crying unnoticeably. I was devestated, really. It was almost like without any reason, everything is coming back at me. I felt the sadness, the emptiness, the void, the darkness. The negativity.

I don't remember when we arrived at Bob's house, I was too lazy to sit in front. So I just, lying at the back seat, staring at nothing, and finally turned my head upward, towards the window. I can clearly see the sky, it was clear, and full of stars.

And I'm back at my house again, waiting patiently what will happen tomorrow, the day after that, and so on.

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