ngilu

bagus. bajet boleh tidor lah kalau kau makan ubat tidor? camne kalau kau bangun lebih kurang 1-2 jam je lepas kau makan ubat tidor tu?

badan kau makin lali dengan ubat tidor? gamaknya.

do I really, really have to satisfy other needs to make my own satisfaction fulfilled ? do I have to sacrifice my own needs to satisfy other's, will it make things better?

will I ABLE to hang on? do you really give a fuck?

guess last week's friday escape wasn't enough. was going to blog about that, but since it's pretty much depressing because i'm fucking alone, and i'm so fucking desperate to do that, and my weekends are so fucked up that i was so fucking down i can't even say i was sane enough at that time, i decided to post something 'honest'.

and god. to think that this whole week is more or less the same. and to think that after a fucked up March i was very hopeful of a very, very, very, normal (not lucky) April,

i was so wrong. this .. sucks. i gave up.

i have to run. i need to run, even if it means i'm going to be alone this weekend. even if i end up somewhere i don't even know, or somewhere i used to cherish my memories (even now) , somewhere where i can gaze the stars, listen to sound of never ending waves, feeling like i was burst by the powerful wind of the sea breeze..

even if it means i'm going to be all by myself.

preparations

follow up post.

okay, i've decided. dear papa mama, i won't going home this weekend. dear abang, happy birthday, but i'm afraid i won't be there to celebrate your birthday. dear kakak, don't be so depressed, abang is going to take you to the national science center this weekend. dear silent readers, please by all mean, don't tell my parents about this.

so i'm going to have a very very long walk. i'm not using kancil. easily recognized. half-way, spotted, i'm dead. i'll be using public transport.

meaning i'll be solely relying on my ipod. going to charge it up, and fill it with endless list of songs.

my backpack will contain.. i don't know. torch light? figure it may take a night or two. t-shirts, shorts, toothbrush.. what else.

shoes? nah, will be using my trusty pair of crocs kot. and shud bring a pair of slippers, just in case.

should i bring charger too? for my handphones? or perhaps i shudnt bring my handphones at all. its not like it's going to ring anyway.

oh my earphone just died. sigh. gonna buy a new one first.

should i bring camera too? will it be my diana, or someone else's ? is adib going to lend me his? going to ask him, but afraid he won't. tsk tsk. dah lah ada flash baru, confirm lah cannot let go. but well, it's gonna be worth to try. i take back my words, dslr does not sucks. :P

but din bringing a dslr is going to pose a greater risk, esp when you're all alone? it'll going to stand out a bit, and i can't risk someone else's camera.. seems like i have to rely on my trusty diana f+!

lessee.. what else? charger for my ipod? meaning i have to bring along my laptop. i guess not, i have to make sure my backpack is light to make myself at ease. this is malaysia, not like other country, where you can backpack with lesser risk of getting robbed. gonna make myself agile a bit, so i can save my energy for my running!

and the most important thing is.. when? idk, i can go today if i really want to.. yes i'm that desperate. it's not like anyone is going to tag along..

more or less. going to google a bit here and there, and make up my mind.

fuck cancer. fuck leukemia.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off! had enough with it. tak habis habis. lepas sorang, sorang. lepas tu lagi sorang. lagi sorang. ape ni, aku ni kuat sangat ke ha? fuck la. fuck. fuck.

oh fuck this insomnia too. i hate to endure all of this fucking shit all fucking alone. i'm so fucked up, i don't fucking care anymore, fuck it, fuck me, hate me, fuck off, fuck this shits. if you want to hate me, go on. fuck it. i'm using being hated anyway. i'm always the fucking bad guy, will never change. you have no use of me anymore right, so just go. why are you being so fucking stupid, to actually be there by me? fuck it.

if you hate me for what i am, go fuck yourself. why did i even befriend with you? i don't understand. y'see, i don't really fucking remember who the fuck is who the fuck, albeit he's fucking famous around these tiny place, but if i remember you, i won't forget you till i fucking dead. means if i already thought you as a friend, i won't fucking back stabbing you while smiling like a fucking dewa in front of your fucking face. if you hate him/her please for god sake, TELL HIM/HER, don't fucking back talk them. are you THAT FUCKING PERFECT to do that?

so why are you guys are here anyway? to fucking make fun of me? go on. have fun. to fucking hate me? sure, go on. like I give a fuck anyway. to be honest i fucking hate myself anyway. so don't feel bad. because you guys are, the most perfect, good looking, smart, intelligent bastard ever.

i'm just a fucking loner, i always be. i always will be. it's a sad fucking fact that i don't want to fucking accept it if i can, but this is just the fucking things are.

oh to those 59 "followers", please gtfo too. unfollow please. like you guys give a fuck. all you guys care are increasing youre traffic, nuffnag whatsofucking ever. hello, if you want money that much, please focus on your work, have a part-time job, work till your ass off, get some OT, and actually do your fucking work instead of blogging.

i'm so fucking damn tired of all this fucking shit. cukup sudah dengan all of the bullshits with all the goatdamn fucking diseases, you fucking throw your bullshits at those people yang help you when you guys are fucking sad, begging for their fucking money, and this is what you gave back? what a fucking joke! dah lah diorang fucking sick, kena jaga orang yang sakit, yang perangai macam celaka jugak . ha baguslah! bagus. in the end, the one yang kena is the one yang baik hati sangat pergi tolong, baik hati sangat, tak ambik hati.

I won't forget the slap I get for backing up my mom. From my mom.

"mama tak pernah ajaq anak mama cakap macam tu!" I'll never forget it.

fuck this. god. i fucking hate this. fuck all this. i just want a fucking simple life. i always distant myself from everyone, so that when this kind of shits happen i'll be less painful. it never happens.

what i did i learnt after all this fucking 6 years? what is the fucking result after this 6 fucking years? NOTHING. even i fucking try my fucking best i fucking flop at it, i suck at doing my best.

i, fucking hate you, for fucking left me here alone; trying to defy all these fucked up shits, for leaving this fuck up world, and just see me fucked things up. 

i'm just another fuck up fucker.

kaseh ; (mati itu pasti)

Biar bertahun
kian mengalir
Esok kan jadi mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu teringat melodiku
Kerlipan bintang menjadi bukti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Siang berlalu
Malam berakhir
Bangunlah dari mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu, teringat iramaku
Impianmu kan menjadi pasti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Jajahan Bintang

Hujan oh hujan
Bilakah akan berhenti ?
Ini bukan
Lukisan yang ku termimpi

Tapi pabila ku cuba lagi
Langit ku lihat hujan berhenti
Lainnya rasa…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi gelora melanda di hati
Jangan menangis sayang
Semoga bersama di hari
Daku kembali…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi….