melancholy, dismal, bleak, sorrow and monotony

so okay, admitting was not really me. it's something i seldom do. i'd rather challenge myself or denying something or worse, run away from it, rather than admitting something that is fact.

it makes me feel bad, considering how hard i tried not to be denial, when i'm trying to stay positive when obviously i don't feel good at all.

i admit that i admit things that i can take it, something that is i can fixed it, or so.

but then, to be honest, admitting your weakness is something i can't possibly do, without help.

when i was a kid i don't stand on my own, i don't smile when i fell down stairs, i don't cycle on my own, and i don't do things on my own, i can't change something, i don't learn something on my own. there.

it's something i've been trying to do since years, and i'm still doing it, yes i admit it now. i'm trying to live on my own. to be self dependent, to look after myself, and to not let other care about you.

it's a bad habit, it's something that annoyed people, and it's something i can't help but to feel that i am okay with it.

i admit, there's not a single soul living knows everything about me. not even my parents. i choose not to. i hate to share most of me, and losing someone who understand you feels -- i can't describe it. theres maybe someone who thinks i'm a weirdo, maybe someone who thinks i'm a freak. or maybe someone who thinks i'm mysterious whatsoever, maybe they doesn't even give a fuck,

but maybe someone did really care.

you can say that i lost hope, or you can say that i'm consoling myself, or you can say that i'm pathetic. because i, don't really know what i'm doing, what really happened to me--

i'm patheticly clueless about myself. i can assure myself this is no identity crisis, i'm not looking for me, but for most of the part of my life is, just live. do something that feels, alive. do something that makes you alive. well when most of the people have something in their mind, already forged their way there, or maybe taking a detour, or maybe trying another route to get there, but i-- i don't really give a fuck. i just, live, whatever my life is the way it was, or the way it's gonna be.

or in other words, aku, redha. well maybe obviously, my past played a big role to this kind of thinking. more like, i gave up, even though i'm trying to survive?

ahhh i'm lost. i don't understand what i'm typing, literally.

but one thing for sure, dear god.

"i don't want to die."