que serra, serra

It's raining cat and dog. And right now I'm all alone. Just got back from campus. Met Papa earlier this morning. He got a meeting at Wangsa Walk Mall. So he drop by to see me. Afterwards I salam him, and hugged him, this time it's a long hug. I felt like crying but, in front of pak guard? With the car engine both of our cars running, and I bet he's late, so I just hold back. And I drive my car, he follows me from behind. At the traffic light he drove past me, and looking at me, through his tinted window, I can almost say that I know what was he's thinking, I wanted to cry, but I hold on, it's dangerous to drive with emotions running high.

Back at campus I just, tahan all the way.

So back here, in front of my laptop. Fell asleep just now. Finally because of exhaustion I think. I slept, and I thought I can run away from everything. Obviously I can't. I dreamt of my past, my past with my dad, and much of the memories that flashes back, I dreamt of her, and little by little it started to fade, I felt so sad, and alone, and I woke up screaming out loud. I screamed a freking 10 seconds scream, and started to cry, as my toilet mate rushing to me.

I don't answer him. I just cried, and cried. And then, he left. Here, I'm alone again. What is this. Why am I crying? Screaming? Am I going crazy?

The first day itself is hard. I thought I can handle it well, but looks like I can't. Now I hate waking up. I don't want to wake up. I hate it when I know this nightmare is not a dream. I hate crying, I hate sobbing, I want to be strong, but I can't. I just want to cry, and to be hugged, to be lied; everything is going to be alright; whatever will be, will be; and this long, keeps ringing through my ear, this que serra serra, make me sobbed and continue to cry.

Que serra, serra;
Whatever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see;
Que serra, serra;
What will be, will be;