Against Tomorrow.

Paradox.

2011-12-28T20:14:00.000+08:00

Throw everything away again, and I did this as something I'll called as a last-ditch effort. Probably.

In the end there's no winner. But there's a definite loser.

How I wish everything was different. I mean, I'm not me, you are someone else, and maybe we will meet somewhere in between the timeline. Maybe it will be a different conclusion, but everything I'm doing right now, is for everybody's sake.

I'm this kind of person. Never gonna like it, will hate it forever, possibly regreting it half-way, but I have to learn, to accept it.

vous ne serez pas admettre la vérité

2011-11-26T20:37:00.001+08:00

whatever i said must be hurtful. maybe the way i tell it, the way i wanted you to know, is a bit harsh.

well in the end, i'm still right. until you prove me wrong.

and you know what? the fact that i'm right, is what's hurts me.

the 'jack of all trade'

2011-11-13T20:11:00.001+08:00

i think it's become one of my habit now. i feel like i want to learn EVERYTHING. i don't want to miss a single thing. i get excited on every single thing. but perhaps i should aproach everything with an even more cautios steps.

i remembered; i read a mag, or newspaper, or somewhere; i forgot to be honest, but it's something about yourself quiz kind of thing.. it describes me as;

"Many talents but neither given enough time to shows up"

Or something. At first I don't givafuck about it but.. Now, it seems true. :|

Besides, The Jack of All Trade is a Master of None.

berlari-lari.

2011-11-09T13:36:00.000+08:00

entah berapa round dah aku pusing ni. dari jalan 3/7, ke jalan 3/8, ke jalan 3/9, kemudian ke jalan 3/8 balik, dan ke 3/7, sambung ke 3/8 dan seterusnya. aku tak sedar sampai bila aku sudah mula pendek nafas.

entah lah. aku lah harapan, aku lah pemusnah harapan. kenapa aku? kenapa bukan abang aku?

kalau aku, kenapa apa sahaja yang aku buat, aku salah?

setiap perkataan yang dilemparkan kepada aku, macam papercut. tak nampak, tapi pedih, tiap kali disentuh.

macam pita, setiap perkataan diulang-ulang.

fikir aku lepas aku dapat penganugerahan paling rendah seorang anak boleh dapat, aku akan lebih kebal dari semua perkataan yang bakal menyilukan aku. memang meleset habis lah.

dan dengan setiap langkauan aku berlari, aku mulai sedar sudah hampir larut malam, aku patut balik, berehat. mengambil jalan pintas untuk ke jalan rumah aku, suasana gelap lorong sebelah rumah terbiar tu buat aku rasa gentar sekejap. hitam, legam.

aku capai telefon bimbit, lalu cuba menyuluh jalan, tapi tak berguna;

kerana bulan yang menerangi belakang aku lagi cerah. cuma aku tak sedar.

lights.

2011-11-07T17:19:00.003+08:00

as i said before, i don't know what i'll be doing. to cut the long story short, last night when I was away at wangsa maju playing dota, i snapped and decided to abandon my friend and left the cc. and went for a walk around kl before heading home at 8.

my honest advice for any of the readers, if you want to rob a lonely person wandering in the middle of night, please at least bring a fucking knife or bring your buddies too. else u might pick up the wrong guy to rob.

well at least i got to rob that guy. oh if you guys think i'm fucked up for counter-robbing someone else, feel free to think like that. it's not like that fella have a hundred bucks inside his wallet, and maybe that 40 bucks was from robbing other poor dudes out there. and consider it as a medicine fee. it's not like he just drop dead there and i picked up his wallet, no. i throw some punches and kicks and get some kicks and punches, or maybe some slaps as well.

i call this self defense. he slap me first because i was rude in answering him. i mean, dia tanya aku mane wallet, aku tanya penting ke? dia cakap dia nak duit aku tanya apesal, kalau kau nak sangat cuba kau jawab. i was going to give him anyway to be honest. but that bitch bitchslapped me, and you can't do that to an emotionally unstable dude.

if i was sober, maybe i'll give him all my belongings. but i don't realise when did i pounced on him and punched him like punching a punching bag. after he stopped moving i took his wallet and take out all of his money. well at least i left his iphone, and his ic, his driving license.

well maybe he's drunk. but fuck it, i'm pissed. thank you for punching, kicking and slapping me. at least i can let go some of my steam.

went home at 10am. at least i went back home. got lectured until 12pm. lucky my parents don't know what happened. well it's not like they'll understand what happened tho. if i can't go out anymore i don't mind really, it's my fault, but at least i know, that they don't know what is happening to me. and i know just how much their expectation on me. to fucking be a leader and all that stuff. no. it's not for me. it's for my brother. i hate it when you just go around and ~~pass~~ throw that fucking baton to me. i know how clueless they are when handling me, and how much they're desperate to stop me from doing this kind of shits. but yeah, i wont do this again, i know. but you know, you can't stop things by forcing them to stop. they don't even know why i'm doing this, how they're gonna stop me doing this again?

"hari yang paling meremokkan hati mama" ni bukanlah hari aizat pegi rogol anak dara orang, pergi rempit, pergi rompak bank mama. hari aizat pergi keluaq rumah sorang-sorang dan balik rumah. hari paling meremokkan hati mama? then aizat mintak maaf banyak-banyak.

aizat tau aizat bukan anak mama yang baik. aizat takleh ganti tempat abang. biaq la abang lead this family, he still my older brother, the eldest male son. not me. i don't want any of this. i just want to live a normal, quiet life with a decent job and that's about it. i don't want to inherit this or that, i just want to, live happily.

yes, i know, it wont happen.

"Lights…

On who you must find,

I’ll remember you

Pride…

You’ve lost this fight,

This soulless revolution in my head

You’ve witnessed all

It’s only evolution, I forgot

Lights…

On what we’ve done,

I’ll remember you

Lights…

On those who tried,

I’ll remember to remember

Alive...

I’m alive,

Love is who you are

.. ..

So cry if you wanted to cry tonight,

Your souls are losing hours

So cry if you wanted to cry,

Surprised that you’ve wasted your life"

november rain

2011-11-03T20:33:00.000+08:00

well i guess the storms washed out my luck like water inside a drain on a rainy day.

i mistakenly punched the wrong copy of the summons letter i'm doing rite now, and it's kinda at the last phase before the summons are sent at the appropriate court, and thus i have to do it all over again, which is HARD WORK, and well, i failed twice. in succession. sigh.

during lunch i rushed to kl central to buy a train ticket. never informed my mom (was driving her Merc) and i start to feel 'unlucky'. yep, that kind of feeling i always mention about.

and then, the sky started to break, the cloud was grumbling, and the rain started to fall, heavily.

i stopped my car at the klia express drop-off point. saw a van got clammed, so i guess the police went away. park my car, rushed toward the counter ticket which was like, on the other side, only to find out you have to wait for the number thing. so i take a number, which is 426, and as the current number is like, 405, and i started to feel wrong, stronger this time, i rushed towards my car.

and when i get there, the police just finished clamping that merc.

"Adik lambat 10 saat je dik, kalau tak kitorang boleh je bukak. Ni abang dah tulis dalam resit ape ni.. takleh buat ape la dik.."

So I have to pay the fine at a police station inside kl central. and that freaking place is like, beside the ticketing counter? i was cursing my luck and myself allll the way there.

tried my luck again, manatau the police inside there can help me. and i lied about i parked inside kl central before but just as i went outside the parking lot, i had a stomach ache or something but yeah;

"Adik, abang kesian dekat adik, tapi nak buat macam mana, ni procedure dekat sentral, abang punya kereta pun pernah kena"

i was like damn.

but i proceed to the ticketing counter and only to find out, the number went from 405 to 410 in like, half an hour? i was like wtf wtf because i had to go back at my office before 2 for obvious reason, and, i can't stand waiting. it's torturing.

then an indian woman came and ask how to press the number machine so i pressed for her, and continue my waiting.

about 5 mins later a chinese woman in front of me asked the counter in a rather loud voice whether she should queue (apparently there's people lining in front of the counter while the numbering system seems not working) and the malay girl inside the counter replied with a louder voice "Pukul 2 beratur" and i was like wtf apa benda pukul 2 beratur?

and then only WE know that people going to board the train at 2 can "cut queue & the lengthy wait" by queing in front of the counter. there's nobody, inside the area, other than 2 staff, and those 2 people are handling the ticket counter. nice right?

so the chinese woman earlier get in the line, and, she gave her number at the indian woman whom i help earlier. do notice that she arrived later than me, plus i helped her get her number, and then, she's the next person in the waiting list (#415).

i was on the verge on giving up until i think god show me a little bit of His mercy and power, i saw a #419 ticket number, while it's only a wee bit different than my #426 but still, every seconds count, and i managed to buy the ticket.

oh i forgot one thing. after punching (no pun intended) the punch-card, i, like every goverment servant, went down for a breakfast, with the only different was i went loitering around with my mom's car, of course, without her consent. and after 8.00 i'll go back to my workplace, and start my work. now there's a reason why i chose to go to my 16th floor, is because the 3 out of 6 are breakdown, and the building i work have at least 700 workers, so, sharing 3 lifts with them is a bit unwise no? i chose to take the lift at 8.15, where people on the 8 am shift already went up but when i get there, the lobby was flooded with people, and to my amaze, the forth lift trapped some 15 people inside.

so climbing 16th floor up? not really a good way to start your work. nevertheless i manage to hastily arrived at my floor safely.

so today is no good. same goes for yesterday, and the day before that.

and i think all the wayyy after this, too. sigh. nevermind.

lessthanamini , morethanakancil

2011-10-28T19:52:00.000+08:00

colleague #1 : saiful, you datang sini naik motor eh?
aku : nah, i'm driving. why?
colleague #1 : wahh. what car?
aku : kancil.
colleague #1 : tipu lah! anak pengarah mana ada pakai kancil
aku : betul lah.. what is the benefit if i lie to you about my car?
colleague #1 : eh tak cayalah.. tak standard ah bawak kereta macam tu
aku : ....

colleague #2 : bhai hujan lagi lah camni
aku : tau takpe. leceh ah hujan
colleague #2 : ah kau takpe ah naik kereta
aku : leceh kot, jem lagi.. cam harom.
colleague #2 : ah takpe ah kau bawak kereta besau boleh ah
aku : besa mende nye kancil je kot
colleague #2 : kancil?
aku : ha'ah.. dah dkat 15 tahun ade dengan aku..
colleague #2 : ah.. kerete tu kau patut ganti je..
aku : ....

colleague #3 : saiful awak parking dekat mana?
aku : park dekat bumbung depan block 9. kenapa?
colleague #3 : bumbung? tempat parking pengarah tu?
aku : hah yelah kak.. saya tak tau.. mama suruh park je situ, kalau tak mane lagi an nak park? semua macam full je
colleague #3 : laa, awak bukan bawak kancil jeke?
aku : ...

either way I'm happy to tell you I might be using that kancil until at least 2015.
yep. until her 20th birthday.

what's with the title? oh, papa nak jual MINI. so. yeah. and it's rhyme. and it's actually stuck inside my head.

ssupp.

nazar

2011-10-24T14:04:00.003+08:00

"why always me?"

Dah lama aku tak buat nazar. last time aku buat aku nazar botak rambut. taun ni (or to be more accurate, taun depan) aku nak buat nazar. Manchester United menang league nanti, aku nak beli jersey home, kat belakang instead nama player, aku nak taruk "Why always us 20".

I'm fucking seriyes. Do remind me if somehow I forget about it or I have amnesia.

don't ever go against your guts, your instinct.

2011-10-23T22:40:00.001+08:00

i think it's going to be the same thing over and over again. i know it'll turn out to be bad, or this case, ripped my heart out, but to be honest, i think i'll continue to do the same.

i always goes against my heart, my guts, my instinct. i don't want to believe it. i hate to believe em. but the more i wanted to go against it, the more i learnt the lesson the hard way.

but i'll never learned. i'll continue to make this shit, over and over again. and i'll not be surprised if it'll take away my life.

kau patut buat tak tahu

2011-10-22T13:39:00.001+08:00

harini dah sabtu. besok dah ahad. sigh.

setiap hari masa berlalu perlahan. setiap hari apa je yang aku nampak dari tingkap tu? benda yang sama. setiap hari aku termenung skrin komputer. setiap hari aku terbaring atas karpet.

menghitung detik.

jadi harini sabtu. besok dah ahad.

tapi ape aku buat? i mean, apa aku BOLEH buat? nothing. daripada cuba memahami kau ibarat cuba menambah garam dalam luka. aku NAK keluar. aku NAK buat apa sahaja.

tak ke faham yang aku DAH REJECT even BENDA yang aku dapat FREE? boleh brain tak?

dan kau patut biarkan aku sahaja, dari acah-acah. buat apa muncul untuk 5 saat? baik aku lenyapkan diri aku sudah.

kau patut buat tak tahu. kau patut biar aku terus alang-alang.

fikir aku kau dah berubah, rupanya sama sahaja. aku yang patut ubah aku.

kapal terbang

2011-10-22T01:41:00.000+08:00

Malam tu hujan lagi. Abang aku dah kembali melelapkan mata atas katil dia. Aku, buat keputusan macam biasa lah. Ke bawah, ke tepi rumah.

Gelap. Sunyi. Kacau-bilau. Ribut.

Aku nyalakan lilin dalam pelita itu.

Diam yang membunuh. Perlahan aku tersandar, dan memori kembali berputar. Ah, at least aku tak payah deal dengan realiti yang sentiasa menguji kesabaran aku. Yang sentiasa perit aku telan.

Kena jugaklah telan.

Sekilas, demi sekilas, seolah-olah slideshow. Dalam baju merah panjang tu, aku, bergenang, terlelap.

lagi, lagi, dan lagi.

2011-10-20T20:48:00.001+08:00

hujan lagi. aku tak boleh la macam ni. kenapa aku affected sangat dengan hujan?
hujan hujan hujan.
aku nak jadi macam orang lain yang boleh tidoq macam xdak apa waktu hujan.
yang menunggu hujan.

tiap kali hujan, aku sebahagian sedar, sebahagian berhalusinasi, sebahagian terjerit-jerit.
menyedihkan.

For every piece to fall in place, forever gone without a trace.

2011-10-15T22:33:00.002+08:00

buat aku dengar banyak-banyak kali. best, at least for me

sama

2011-10-15T20:56:00.001+08:00

dia meniarap, lalu membuka mata, dan ternampak sesuatu di kaca yang bercahaya tu.

kelam kabut, dia menutup.

oh.

fikir aku kau berubah; sama sahaja.

work!

2011-10-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

Seperti yang korang nampak, dalam banyak-banyak case tu, ada 4 case yang aku dah confirm siap. 1 lagi takde dalam gamba. Dan seperti yang korang nampak, surat ni perlukan signature aku. Iyem proud.

p/s; ni dekat Unit Undang-Undang. Sebelum ni aku dekat Unit Operasi dan Lawatan dan Unit Tunggakan Hasil. So far aku tak regret satu pun tempat kerja yang aku pergi.

tunggulah sampai hujan tedoh.

2011-10-09T20:12:00.000+08:00

Update. Tadi kerja. Overtime. Walaupun bukan dapat duit, tapi kalau kumpul 9 jam leh tebus satu hari kerja, satu hari cuti bergaji. FYI cuti bergaji aku cuma 3 hari sampai bulan 12. Sehari aku dah guna untuk raya. So yeah.

It turns out yang aku takleh claim untuk hari ni. Tak cukup 9 jam. Bos cakap kalau kerja 9 jam pun, 1 jam akan dipotong, sbb lunch. Lagi cam fak, 8 jam tu, tak leh cukup kan dengan OT biasa. Kena OT time cuti jugak. Bodoh apa nak kerja lagi sejam tu?

Tapi, hari ni langit cerah. Clear. Dari tingkat 16 tu, aku boleh nampak rumah atas bukit dekat Taman Rimba Templer Rawang. Awan pulak, aku boleh nampak seketul seketul, clear punya. Tak macam selalu. Angin.. jangan cerita lah. Dekat bawah pun tahap chill dia time 11 pagi macam dekat Bukit Tinggi. Dekat atas, peh.

So anyway.

Untuk aku update pasal aku, aku truthfully, malas. Same old story. So how faktap dah cerita aku minggu ni;

Aku dapat tiket free seating BAEK punya dekat Dewan Philharmonik untuk ntah sape punya performance. Janji datang je bak kata pemberi.

Tak dappp.

Aku dapat tiket + backstage pass untuk Rockaway, si boyfriend clash. Janji datang.

Tak dapppp.

Last skali aku masukkan lam shredder time OT tadi. True story. Puan Zainon a.k.a tuan punya shredder a.k.a bos yang tak bagi OT lebih tu dah geleng-geleng kepala.

Pelis lah understen. Aku nak pegi. Aku yang beria nak pegi, skali aku yang tak pegi? Tolonglah. Aku boleh gerenti, aku lah lelaki yang paling (kalau tak, antara) susah tak jadi pergi.

Tapi. Hujan lebat semalam takleh celen hujan aku. True story.

Sebab, jangan tanya. Aku tak nak ingat. Aku harap minggu depan walaupun dah takde tiket free, aku punya nasib berubah. Tolonglah. Aku dah tak tau berapa kali aku post macam ni, tapi tu lah. Hmh.

/patpat

nasik sudah jadik buboq.

2011-10-08T21:44:00.002+08:00

buboq. antara makanan yang paling aku tak minat. well, 'cept for bubuk lambuk. tu lain cite. juadah penting tatkala menempoh ramadhan.

aku paling anti bubur. tak sedap. lembek. melekit. cayaq. slimy. pekat. atau apa-apa lagi yang boleh describe buboq.

but lately, bibik buat aku suka bubuq. tch. aku pelik, aku tgk gak dia buat apa dengan buboq tu. nak kata taruk garam banyak, tak jugak. tapi, sedap.

dan dinner aku, lunch aku 2-3 hari ni buboq ja. hehehe. preparation i guess. lepaih ni kalau kena makan buboq buleh la terima dengan hati serta tangan yang terbukak. x)

work-a-holic.

2011-10-06T22:48:00.001+08:00

today was a bit fucked up. i kenot lepak at the pantry for the whole day, and to makes thing worse, i passed out in front of the punch card machine thingy. once i wake up they were kinda a big buzz about it, and although i insist everything was exaggerated a bit too much, they were sooo keen on telling my mum. i begged and begged, i don't know how long since i begged this hard.

so anyway, the things to ponder is, either is my body is exhausted, lack fitness etc or i handled too much stress. I don't believe in the second, as much as I don't believe in the first one. So I decided to test my body to the max this late evening, and I managed to cover a distance of about 2-3kms non stop jogging, which is a bit fair considering I stop running consistently like, YEARS ago? though my body is feeling like tearing apart; the same feeling that you'll get if you not sleeping for like 2-3 days or so, but I think, it's not my body that's failing me.

so that, maybe explain why I become something that I never imagined I'll become, a workaholic. My colleague; those 3 units I've been so far, always tell me to take things slowly, don't over-worked, but I think I can do better, besides,

I can't do nothing. If I just sit around, takes thing slowly, first, I'll become lazier and tired by passing seconds, most probably because lack of sleep I guess, and secondly I started to think things. Or remember things.

Immersing myself into work.. is something I cannot brain myself, let alone my friends.

But, it's a simple thing; Do that complicated, tricky, technical works, try to complete it, and you don't have time to think about other stuff.

Exactly what I needed. So how?

terlepas.

2011-10-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

aku senyum.
dia senyum.
dia ikhlas.
aku paksa.
dia kuatkan diri.
aku paksakan diri.
dan akhirnya dia tersungkur.
tetapi
masih senyum.
aku?
masih paksa.

sampai sekarang.
.kebelakang.

post terakhir aku macam ni. tak boleh aku post macam ni. awkward. jadi,

insomnia?

2011-10-03T22:22:00.002+08:00

“so sleepy, it's too bright please turn out your light”

A whole world waits for you when you turn out the lights. In our dreams, lie childish figures, random shapes and half remembered memories. Each one is different yet somehow the same. Dim your lights to enter Ana's dreamworld.

www.anasomnia.com

remember to wait for the loading. it was worth my 30 minutes of waiting.

you are not alone dear loneliness.

2011-10-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

Pukul 3.05. Aku termanggu-manggu.
Baru di tempat baru.
Kerja apa pun aku tak tau.
Jujur cakap,
Aku agree untuk pindah ke unit undang-undang ialah;

Ianya di tingkat 16.
Lagi tinggi dari unit asal aku, unit Tunggakan Hasil;
sub unit Operasi dan Lawatan.
Tingkat 14.

Cuba kau bayangkan.
Di tingkat 14, hembusan angin tika aku buka tingkap,
cukup untuk membuat aku berfikir dan berfikir,
dan berfikir,
dan tersenyum,
bagaimana di tingkat 16?
Boleh?

Boleh bayangkan?

3.15.
Aku melangkah ke pantry sebaik sahaja nampak pegawai-pegawai keluar.
Dalam tempat aku kerja ni, panas.
Entah kenapa aku tak tau.
Tak penting.
Aku tutup pintu, menghadap ke arah tingkap-tingkap.
Bilik ni,
menghala ke arah Mahkamah Jalan Duta.
Besar kubah.
Entah apa fungsi aku tak tau.
Bagi lawa. Biasalah manusia, tertarik dgn yang lawa.
Bagi aku perangai yang membezakan manusia lawa dengan tak.
Oh ya.

Ada pegawai sambilan yang hot.
Maksud aku, dia tak lawa pun,
tapi dia hot. Attitude dia.

Sambung.

Aku tolak tingkap tu.
Tak bergerak.
Apesal?
Tolak lagi.
Tekan lagi.
Tolak sampai urat leher tegang.
Baru terperasan;
oh, tak bukak selak.
Sebaik saja berjaya tolak tingkap tu,
hembusan angin menderu; menolak muka aku,
menampar nampar.
menarik narik
..membelai belai.

menggoda.

Aku, hanya mampu memberi senyuman,
macam biasa lah.
Tapi,
kali ni, ikhlas.
Sebab tak tergambar.

Lalu aku perasan ada tangga.
Kecemasan.
Dan tangga tu, hanya dinding setinggi pinggang.
Tak ada penghalang.

Aku tersenyum,
LEBAR.

Okay, sila berhenti baca wahai orang yang takkan faham.
Tolonglah.
Aku taktau mana lagi nak luahkan perasaan ni.
Tolonglah.
Jangan judge aku.
Jangan judge aku, kalau kau tak memahami.
Sebab aku tak tau macam mana nak luahkan
Sebab perasaan ni,
Aku tak reti gambarkan.

Aku ternampak, ada si kelabu, bersinar.
Sedang bertenggek di tepi tingkap aku.
Bermata merah, berkaki merah,
Berbulukan teal, biru dan kelabu.
Membuatkan dia sangat ironi kepada abangnya, simbol kedamaian;
si Puteh.

si dia, bertenggek orang-sorang.
melihat aku, melihat hadapan, melihat ke bawah.
kemudian dia meloncat ke tangga,
melangkau ketinggian 16 tingkat tu.
dan terus memandang ke kiri, ke kanan
atas, bawah.

Cari apa?

Kau, ada sayap.
Kau boleh terbang. Kau
Boleh rasa angin, boleh nampak semua dari atas
Boleh terbang.

Kenapa kau bertenggek dekat situ?
Kenapa kau tak cari teman-teman kau?

Dan aku terbayang.
Terbayang, apa perasaan si dia.
Menenung si orang yang di tingkap,
berada di tepian, berada di penghujung,
di ketinggian 150+ kaki.
Merenung ke bawah, melihat semua kecil sahaja.
Membayangkan diri terbang,
Membayangkan merasa ditolak angin, di tarik graviti,
Kesejukan, kedinginan,
Kechuakan. Kekecutan perut.

Sempatkah aku merasa angin?

Pintu bilik itu dikuak,
Dan lamunan aku mati.

dear macy

2011-10-03T21:25:00.002+08:00

sesungguhnya, aku menyusun sepuluh jari, memohon maaf.
sesungguhnya aku manusia hina yang hanya membuat salah sentiasa.
sesungguhnya, kau telah salah faham.

bukan niat aku menghakimi kau.
tapi kalau kau rasa begitu,
maka aku lah yang salah.
jadi terima kasih kerana menegur aku.
sangat, sangat, sangat, sangat terima kasih.
sangat, sangat, sangat, mintak maaf.

maaf lagi sekali jika entri ini sangat lambat
sebab aku menanti penjelasan kau, kenapa kau rasa aku buat macam tu.
bila kau mendiamkan diri,
fahamlah
aku tersalah pilih kata.

seperti yang aku telah cakapkan dalam komen aku tu,
aku sendiri tak tau samada itu jalan yang betul,
sbb itu cara aku.
kalau salah, maaflah, bukan niat aku menghakimi kau.

jadi aku mintak maaf lagi, sangat-sangat.
sementara sempat.

anyway. bagi mereka yang baca post ni, ketahuilah bahawa dengan menegur aku, kalau betul aku salah, aku akan mintak maaf. aku takkan makan korang. jadi tegurlah aku. jangan bawa dalam hati. nanti bawa ke belakang aku dan mula menyebarkan, kan ke dah panjang cerita. biarlah aku perjelaskan, kalau tak memadai, aku mintak maaf.

sekian.

come on.

2011-10-01T01:51:00.002+08:00

Kereta blue-black Compressor tu ke kiri. Ke kiri lagi. Kemudian ke kanan. Ke kiri lagi. Sesekali si pemandu mengerling ke arah penumpang sebelah kiri. Muka penumpang gelisah. Marah?

Takpe, aku tone down sikit.

Kereta itu kemudian mengekor rapat kereta Camry putih itu. Pemandunya ke kanan sedikit, supaya pemandu Camry itu nampak ada kereta ikut rapat, sedar dan ada sense of urgency.

Tapi biasalah, orang Malaysia. Tak mengenal usia, kaum, bangsa, bahasa serta agama. Kebanyakkannya ignorant.

Si pemandu mendengus. Si penumpang makin tak senang duduk.

*****

Keluar sahaja dari Smart-Tag, si penumpang mulakan bicara.

"Aizat ni kenapa? Marah dekat mama ka?"

"Mana ada lah mama.."

"Habis dah bawak macam tu, kiri kanan cucuk cucuk kereta orang paseipa?"

"Takdak apa la mama.."

"Mama kenal anak mama, mama tau la! Mama tau anak mama memberontak dekat mama macam mana" Aku tersentak. Betul?

Betul? Yakin?
"Badan Aizat tak sedap. Asyik muntah. Lengah. Rasa macam nak pitam. Lepas tu Aizat stress mama. Tension. Kerja lagi. Apa lagi. Dengan semua pemandu macam ni dekat highway, dekat jalan biasa lagi, Smart-Tag lane rosak lagi,"

"Dah berapa hari Aizat macam ni, sebelum pi Skudai lagi."

Diam.

Sunyi.

Sepi.

Kenapa? Kenapa diam? Dah tau sangat kan? Faham kan? Apa yang boleh buat?

Macam semua orang. Perhatikan sahaja. Best tengok.

*****

Selepas kunci ditarik, seat automatic ke belakang, stering diadjust kepada default, aku melangkah terus ke arah Kancil. Senyum. Harapan aku menggunung.

Deruman dia mengingatkan aku keperitan hidup. Hidup tak pernah senang. Penuh dengan sengketa. Manusia tak pernah nak tolong orang lain. Memaafkan. Cuba memaafkan. Cuba tolong orang faham apa salah silap orang itu.

Cuba faham orang lain.

Aku tak salahkan sapa sapa. Aku tau, masalah dia aku. Memang aku all along. Sapa ja boleh faham aku? Aku tak salahkan Mama. Papa pun. Sebab aku, memang macam ni.

Aku salahkan diri aku. Jadi aku tanggung jelah akibat.

Aku tau ini semua akan terjadi. Jadi macam biasa, kunci kereta Kancil kena sentiasa stand-by. (:

tunggu sekejap.

2011-09-29T19:15:00.000+08:00

bila kau dihidupkan, harapan aku tinggi menggunung. melangit.
bila aku memacu engkau, deruan kau ku dengar ibarat lolongan.
pekikan.
tangisan.
bila aku menyerang setiap lekok itu, badan mu meronta, ke kiri ke kanan.
bila aku memaksa kau perlahan, kepala kau mengeleng, seolah ingin terus,
melontarkan perasaan,
amarah,
sedih.
pilu.

aku terkesan.
kau kini lebih tulus, lebih telus mengeluarkan emosi kau.
aku?

macam biasa. ke laut.

bila suara kau terpekik, terlolong,
aku hampir menitiskan air mata.
cuma, emosi aku,

macam biasa. ke laut.

jiwa kau mungkin berbeza.
tapi, engkau masih engkau.
engkau lah tempat aku melarikan diri dari setiap terkaman kejam semua orang.

engkau sajalah yang aku ada, yang aku mampu pergi.

jadi, tunggu sekejap.

how does it feels?

2011-09-26T04:40:00.004+08:00

i was wandering in the rain,
mask of life, feeling insane.
swift and sudden fall from grace,
sunny days seems far away.

kremlin's shadow belittling me,
stalin's tomb won't let me be.
on and on and on it came,
wish the rain would just let me be.

how does it feels?

when you're alone, and cold inside?
like a stranger in moscow.

p/s i think this might be how i'd define me to myself. tho i'd introduce myself as me that i'm supposed to be to everyone else. not anyone.

not even anyone.

i'm going where the cold wind blows.

2011-09-24T05:29:00.001+08:00

oh, the guilt

2011-09-24T05:08:00.003+08:00

She seems to think
She seems too weak
She takes a week to get over it

She likes the sea
She likes to see
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the sound
She likes the sand
She likes to stand, she can't afford to sit

She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to be
She's into guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

She likes to think
she likes to drink
She seems too weak, she takes all the rent

She likes the time
she owns the time
She borrows time she has to self-invent

She seems too weak
she likes to see
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the sand
she likes to stand
She likes to sit
she likes to guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

(Guitar solo)

She seems to think
She seems to breath
She takes a week to get over it

She likes to see
She likes the sea
She likes to think she has all of it

She likes the Sand
She likes the Sand
She likes to stand she cant afford to sit

She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to be
She likes to guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt

p/s; best ada banyak muka ni.

losing

2011-09-20T23:06:00.003+08:00

aih sad sad! baru pikiaq kancil aku dah revive balik, dia dah kembali ke bengkel. sedih, gila. wa tak tipu.

baru wa ingat nak mengadu domba time otw pi johor nt.

sebut pasal johor, ade ke convo hari isnin? tak pepasal bapak aku tak pegi sebab dah ada appointment dgn PM. bila papa tak pi, mama pun tak pi lah. bila convo ari bekerja, satu keluarga aku tak mai. terbaik an?

convocation aku punya gambaq, gambaq aku sorang. takpun dengan member-member aku.

FOREVER ALONE GUY REPORTING IN! (u_u)>

p/s : angin bertiup kencang dekat tingkat 14, memang buat aku tergoda. x)

strike 3, batter out!

2011-09-12T03:09:00.000+08:00

it's 3. and i still can't sleep. and tomorrow is monday. i mean, today. such a cold night. last night was awesome. i think today's gonna be great too, cept with the fact that i have to get ready at 6. sigh.

oh and a cute ahmoy confessed at me today! lol. she sed she still had crushed on me from standard six. ahhh good ol days. days where boys always wanted to please her while me, like always, the anarchy. lol. well idk what makes her had this crush, and that crush can go hold on for that long too. well tho, she has a boyfriend too. it made it look so awkward. nvm. she's in leeds pun btw. no point nak think about it punn. eh i should've said that she has a boyfriend so i shouldn't think about it kan? terbalik? LOL.

anyway, pegi la mamps dia jap, i just wanna say that i'm excited about my edith! she's coming back in a week! lama lagi but i'm already sexcited. eventho baru 3 hari she's gone, i feel like it's almost 3 years. so long mang.

ahh i shud go to sleep. still in raya mood too. sigh.

night with 'glow in the darks'

2011-09-11T03:45:00.002+08:00

is it just me or there seems to be A LOT of blog using food names now? deng, should i change my belog name already? or my email? sigh.

Hey Love

2011-09-09T00:01:00.002+08:00

Aku baru dapat berita gembira tadi. Okay, maybe aku tak leh nak tunjuk betapa sexcited nya aku sekarang ni sbb, well, in any way korang baca pun all you guys can see is a wall of words.

oh well.

saya akan ke johor. skudai. ye, untuk graduasi. aku akan berada di sana pada 22hb, untuk mengambil jubah. jadi i was thinking whether i'll be going on 21st evening/night or, 22nd morning. I'm planning right after work, terus pergi skudai, and will be there until graduation day, on 25th.

the journey will take more or less 4-5 hours, of a long, tiring journey, with a shaking old car, it will be uncomfortable and bumpy ride i'll reckon. though it'll be alright with me, and i think i'm gonna enjoy the journey..

huh, where's the good news? heee.

because i'm driving my kancil! <3 papa asked me earlier tonight, on how am i going to go to skudai later on 22nd, and he agreed to repair my kancil. okay i know it's been thousand times i said "finally my kancil is going to be repaired mfufufu" or something, but this time, i bet it's gonna be reeeaaalll. Unless papa want me to drive the mini... hm.

so anyway, raise your hand if you want to tag along! >_< it will be cramp a bit i think. it's still a kancil :)

here we go.

2011-09-08T00:14:00.003+08:00

i really don't know how to start this. i was thinking maybe a "dear diary i'm very sorry" or "i've been neglecting you a lot" or maybe just a hi. it's not that nothing happens to me, tho in fact, a lot happened.

working right now, graduating end of september, holiday, raya, puasa, merdeka.. and holiday before puasa. and pd.

you know i was very stupid when i said last year i think i can't go down anymore because i thought things are at their worst, and it should start getting better, but it did not. so i'm not going to be such a dumbass to write this, but this year, sucks. suckier than last year. last year was better. at least i've got Penang. and PD. and it was not until this may or june or july i only knew what i believe since last year, was all bullshits.

and it's not helping me at all.

last year i remember that raya was a bit happier, a bit more happening compared to this year. sorry, i mean, a lot. i didn't even send any single soul selamat hari raya. thus i'm taking this opportunity to say that i'm really sorry, and i'd be happier if i send raya greeting, even if it's via sms. lagilah kad raya. sigh.

i finished my study at utm on may. or wassit june? idk. i kinda missed the campus life to be honest. free, studying in kl, hanging around with friends, dinner with friends, yada yada.. it was fun, really, really fun. but funny things tho, right now, working, earning money on your own effort, i felt that i wouldn't want to stop. hell, if there's a vacancy for permanent position, maybe i'll grab it.

plus, when you're working, all of your energy is focused on your works, and you spent more time with papers and casses than your family, and your laptop, or your handphone. work, have become a distraction. a good distraction, away from what i think as my harsh unacceptable life.

well at least last year teaches me not to put your hopes high enough, because the higher you place your hope, the lower you'll be once it started to eat you up. again.

i mean i don't know why i still continue to put my faith in the same thing that betrayed me over and over and over again. would you put yours at something or someone that has repeatedly cheating you? have you ever had the heart to start believing again, not once, but countless time? and that's not even metaphorically. i bet once you feel cheated, you'll stop believing and start moving on, why bother at things that you can't trust anymore right?

also, i learnt to stop thinking that i'll find a really good friend, or close friend, or buddies, or whatever. frankly, everyone will leave you eventually, it's just a matter of time. so i'd better start labelling my friends as colleague, or classmates, or whatever. maybe that's a safer choice. i think.

last year thought me to be a pessimist. well for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimist now.

at least this year i can blew off my steam with some fictions, though i can't see when i'm going to write again, same goes to this blog, as i'm working right now.

and at least this year's ramadhan was.. special, compared to last year.

yesterday, i was typing half way when somebody called me, so we chatted a bit, and after consulting and asking her opinions, she said it'd be better if i kept it to myself. maybe. so i scraped it in the draft folder. tho i had a perfect title for it; stranger things have happened to me.

i don't know what else to talk about. oh and my kancil.. same old story. budget for her treatment will go to my bro's car or my sis's car, or my mum's i think. i feel like crying to be honest, i can't do a thing for her eventho she's been helping me, she's there to help me or whatever, when i was down, when i was sad, when people lied to me, when.. whatever. you guys get the idea right? it's the same thing over and over again.

this year, if everything goes well, i'll go to edinburgh. maybe after that to paris or spain. with my own money. so i should stop complain about work and start to gather all my strength and energy, and start doing work nicely.

it's funny, seeing how i treated august as my last month of the year and september where life started again.

berteduh langit malam ini

2011-08-23T05:25:00.003+08:00

macam biasa. aku macam biasa lepak dekat tepi rumah bertemankan lampu-lampu oren taman. aku nyalakan lilin dalam bekas lantern. macam biasa, aku menoleh ke kiri, ke kanan, tak ada tujuan, termenung macam orang bodoh, dan terus hanyut, larut dalam kepekatan malam ni.

kemudian sepoi sepoi angin tiup, diselangi hembusan yang cukup menakjubkan, maha menakjubkan.

dah lama aku tak rasa macam ni. tenang? entah. lega? aku tak reti describe perasaan aku. rasa.. lain. rilekkks je. sambil tu aku masih lagi termenung jauh. macam malam malam lain. cuma kali ni aku rasa lain gila. rasa dunia macam cepat je berpusing.

kemudian entah macam mana, lilin dalam lantern tu padam. ler, biar betul. takpe nyalakan balik. baru je katup balik pintu lantern tu, baru kalih ke sebelah kiri, tgk kolam ikan jap dah padam. ish, pelik. punya lah aku usha tgk sumbu panjang lagi, yelah, aku baru bukak baru kot lilin tu. takkan sekejap dah padam. nak cakap sumbu basah, menyala lawa je tadi. meliuk liuk lagitu.

takpe, try lagi. kalau fail gak kali ni aku givap. bukan malam aku la gamaknya. tutup ke pintu lantern, ushaa je. dan, padam.

kali ni aku memang betul betul tergamam. speechless. aku tak tau apa jadi sebenarnya. kau tau, lantern tu tertutup rapat, dia mcm ada pintu, selebihnya kaca. ada pun lubang2 kecik nak bagi udara masuk, bg lilin tu terus membakar sumbu. dan bagi aroma vanilla keluar. jadi ape jadi ekceli?

dan baru aku perasan. malam ni.. pelik. betul. sungguh. sunyi. kalau tak area rumah aku bising dgn salakan anjing. sebelah kiri rumah aku, selang 2-3 rumah dah ada 2 rumah beranjing-anjingan. sebelah kanan hujung jalan pun ada anjing bebyk. rottweiler lagi. pantang orang lalu menyalak bagai nak rak. nampak kucing pun menyalak macam kucing tu bawak lari anak derang. lane depan rumah aku pulak ada anjing yang duduk depan rumah rafique, yang selalu kacau plan ktorang nak keluar memalam. dog watcher ni ala-ala observer ward mak rafique, selalu menyalak je.

i mean, tiap2 malam menyalak. tapi malam ni, dari lepas taraweh lagi.. sunyi sepi. apa pun tak bunyi.

ada jugak aku cari pokok mane yang rukuq, memang tak dapat la aku jumpa. lawak sungguh. entah la, firasat aku je kot. manusia punya hati selalu memain2kan tuan dia kan?

sambil aku terus observe dan observe.. aku perasan awan selang seli menampakkan bulan.. yang terang. sambil angin tiup.. rasa nak meleleh air mata aku.

apa lagi yang aku tunggu?

*****

selesai solat-solat sunat, aku duduk lepak lagi dekat bumbung kali ni. lagi clear pemandangan. lagi sepi, lagi.. tenang. rasa sayu jap. pilu. layan perasaan pulak.

dan laut hitam ni, aku rasa macam bercahaya.

hati aku memang tengah bermain-main dengan aku kot. mane la tau aku kene tipu dengan hati aku, tapi at least aku ada alasan untuk update blog ni lol.

i thought i was 'okay'.

2011-08-11T22:53:00.003+08:00

halfway through the day i manage to be fine, smile and act like nothing happened. a biiiig smile, with the usual attitude towards my work, and try hard, focusing at my works.

and i thought i did a very, very excellent job, today. overall. did finish some of my cases, and acting like i'm okay. i mean, i'm always okay. so for today, i'm gonna be okay, too.

but i was surprised when i opened up my profile facebook, everyone wishes me birthday. and i remembered the other day something happened, i was trying to remember today, end up i make it as my birthday.

and sad thing is, my laptop broke down. i can't change it and i totally forgot about it. thus, the wishes.

look i don't give a fuck if you guys think i'm seeking attention or whatsoever, i'm very sorry, god knows how much i don't want to fucked up today, esp since today is the day where everything started going fucked up, until now.

at least, i don't want it to be another fucked up day, so i tried to cheer up and act like usual with the same shit but well, i guess not.

but i admit, i did wrong, so therefore i'm deeply regret on what happened today and thus, no more bday wishes for me. fyi. my bday;

IT MEANS NOTHING FOR ME.

so yeah.

Selamat 5 tahun, SAIFUL AIZAT. semoga kau terus kuat dan kuat dan kuat.

dear august.

2011-08-07T13:31:00.003+08:00

dear august.

i'm one of billions of people in this world that actually would write this letter to you. i don't care if you are named from augustus caesar or whatever, i just hope that, you don't turn into another fucked up month. because i think, it's about time you will become a lucky month for me, at least just for this year.

the only best thing i can think about you august is that the summer is still here albeit the long day has gone, and the insects are much noisier and much more than any other months. oh and the birds too.

to be honest august, this year sucks. last few months are much worser than i thought it would be. thus i'm not really getting my hopes high that you will finally become my luckiest month of the first half of the year. oh wait, we're in the second half. yes, i am that desperate to have something to believe that something bad not happened to me.

because history shows that luck, happiness, is excruciatingly far from me whenever i bumped into you. i can't remember; i don't think i'm able to find one thing in my whole life, whats so good about you really.

hence i'm writing this letter as a desperate attempt to embrace you, to accept you august.

i hope you will not beat me half dead, i mean, cornered me till the outmost desperate attempt of running away - via the idea of suicide, again.

august, if you think i'm such a dumbass to write this letter to you, or if you think i'm such a fool to try to be positive about the negative waves that you plotted, or if you think i'm such a drama king, or a desperado, feel free to think so, because i am.

i am desperate to go pass the hardships the tests, everything that can stop me from being strong to co-op with the ongoing rush of times, i need to move on, strongly.

so please dear august, be good to me.

2011-08-07T08:09:00.000+08:00

can i finish the fiction in time?

back to reality

2011-06-23T11:37:00.002+08:00

really, i should change my way on approaching something, whether it is a sad news or heartbreaking news, or whatever.

please don't get me wrong, i still (at this very moment) not giving up yet, but more like, redha?

whatever. i'm getting tired changing my own fate. i guess my life its not mine after all. bila Dia dah plan something, no matter how hard i tried, i guess i can't defy the fate that beholds me.

come, whatever. i shall try my best to not to go against it. i'll accept, whatsofucking ever.

"jangan give-up, hidup aizat tak sampai separuh lagi pun;"
kalau aku mati sekarang waktu tu dah kire separuh la jugak kan? lol
"---aizat kuat kan?"
yep. that's why i'm still here.
"bila aizat kuat, ---- "
ah kau mmg sentiasa kuat.
"kalau seribu orang nak belasah aizat, lawan je satu-satu; one at a time; jangan give-up!"
maaf, aku dah try. aku lagi rela biar semua orang belasah aku satu demi satu, dari terus lawan dan lawan dan lawan dan rebah; semua usaha tak ada hasil. baik aku terima je semua.
"------ akan sentiasa harapkan aizat kuat, dan tabah, dan happy selalu"
terima kasih kerana optimis. kalau kau tengok aku sekarang, mesti kau tak kenal sape aku.

bak datanglah. apa-apa pun.

follow up

2011-06-15T20:42:00.000+08:00

balik balik dari hospital terus aku campak sweater aku dalam mesin basuh.

aku benci bau hospital.

and life is not going to end just like that

2011-06-15T15:25:00.002+08:00

i can't stand waiting. i get bored of waiting easily. i don't wait people for 2-3 hours. no i don't.

but today, i gladly do that, just like i did wait for 7 grueling hours about 6 years ago.

went to hospital again. it's kinda funny because i keep juggling between hospitals and it seems it shared one common, at least for me; i fucking hate hospital. really, i praised for everyone that worked at hospital, for their sheer determination of gaining money through helping people and at the same time enduring the bleak sad and melancholic atmosphere.

aku tabik spring. seriyes.

every hospital i went, no matter how helpful their staff was, how handsome and funny their doctors was, and no matter how beautiful the nurses, it was depressing. i was very, very, very, very, glad i din take medic, or i'll be in a worse condition then i am right now.

okay back to the story, i went to ppum at petaling jaya, because my dad is going to have a "aspiration" is what they suggested to use to named the procedure, it is less gruesome. it is commonly known as bone marrow biopsy.

now i don't have any bio knowledge, for which i really hate that subject, so i don't really know the terms and whatsofuckingever, but i know one thing for sure.

this is one hell of a procedure to went thru.

the pain can lasted for a week. for me, it was really cruel to be honest, but well it's not like they have another painless option.

so there i was, waiting, and waiting agonizingly and surprisingly today there were little to none. but still, the procedure of doing it from checking the blood etc till the result came out take around 6 hours.

going thru this again, really makes me think, i was half way giving up my life back in 05, and again in 10, but well,

life is not going to end just like that.

i'm enduring the pain of seeing the person i love suffering, again, waiting there like a statue, not knowing any words to comfort, i was really, really clueless on how to help them, i felt like i'm utterly useless, what i thought i can fixed myself after 6 years, i still can't do it.

ah, the agony.

on the way back to home i drive the alfa romeo brera spider, and, no matter how awesome the car was, i still don't feel any excitement at all.

but,

i just have to be strong, and just gather all my strength to go thru this, again.

2011-06-05T21:46:00.001+08:00

aku benci benci benci benci benci benci hujan. ah ya Allah aku mintak tolong, ringan kan lah beban aku. aku hanya hamba Mu yang lemah.

2011-06-05T20:48:00.003+08:00

to be honest, i have lots of things to blog about, but i can't spill it out.

theres too much of things that i'd prefer to tell someone but i figure that it will be better i let it rot inside me, where the idea and the thoughts is twisted enough to bend your straight thoughts of me.

and if i'm telling means i wanted a reaction, which i rarely get. most of them were blanks and silent.

don't worry, think i have enough good memory to blog about. i hope.

melancholy, dismal, bleak, sorrow and monotony

2011-05-15T03:37:00.002+08:00

so okay, admitting was not really me. it's something i seldom do. i'd rather challenge myself or denying something or worse, run away from it, rather than admitting something that is fact.

it makes me feel bad, considering how hard i tried not to be denial, when i'm trying to stay positive when obviously i don't feel good at all.

i admit that i admit things that i can take it, something that is i can fixed it, or so.

but then, to be honest, admitting your weakness is something i can't possibly do, without help.

when i was a kid i don't stand on my own, i don't smile when i fell down stairs, i don't cycle on my own, and i don't do things on my own, i can't change something, i don't learn something on my own. there.

it's something i've been trying to do since years, and i'm still doing it, yes i admit it now. i'm trying to live on my own. to be self dependent, to look after myself, and to not let other care about you.

it's a bad habit, it's something that annoyed people, and it's something i can't help but to feel that i am okay with it.

i admit, there's not a single soul living knows everything about me. not even my parents. i choose not to. i hate to share most of me, and losing someone who understand you feels -- i can't describe it. theres maybe someone who thinks i'm a weirdo, maybe someone who thinks i'm a freak. or maybe someone who thinks i'm mysterious whatsoever, maybe they doesn't even give a fuck,

but maybe someone did really care.

you can say that i lost hope, or you can say that i'm consoling myself, or you can say that i'm pathetic. because i, don't really know what i'm doing, what really happened to me--

i'm patheticly clueless about myself. i can assure myself this is no identity crisis, i'm not looking for me, but for most of the part of my life is, just live. do something that feels, alive. do something that makes you alive. well when most of the people have something in their mind, already forged their way there, or maybe taking a detour, or maybe trying another route to get there, but i-- i don't really give a fuck. i just, live, whatever my life is the way it was, or the way it's gonna be.

or in other words, aku, redha. well ~~maybe~~ obviously, my past played a big role to this kind of thinking. more like, i gave up, even though i'm trying to survive?

ahhh i'm lost. i don't understand what i'm typing, literally.

but one thing for sure, dear god.

"i don't want to die."

summer

2011-05-08T16:15:00.002+08:00

ah summer. who doesn't love the sunny afternoon, where you can be lazy, lying around, sweating, drinking tea.. damn. who doesn't loves summer?

oh and, eventhough we're in Malaysia, we actually felt summer too. I'm not kidding. Last month there's freaking storm every evening. This month? Nay. Nada. nil.

Summer means summer vacaytion. Well no vacayyytion really, I'm hunting for jobs. I need money to do what I want, without feeling iritated on how much I've been craving for something, or doing something, when I don't have money. sigh.

oh and a lil small thing. i don't mind if you're following my twitter, i'm just scarred i'll offend my followers, because i never hold back when twitting. it's my pure thought, in that instance.

and i'm sorry to my friends who just recently discovered my twitter. if you guys reading this, meaning you guys officially discoverd my blog too.

and I'm not planning to let any of my ex-schoolmates knew this blog, because they'll be surprised, (most of them were really surprised back then) and to see my other half of my life. sigh. i hate it when things getting complicated.

rotating fan, the sound of the wind blow, the sunlight, gosh, how i love summer.

it actually makes me forget my sadness.

2011-05-08T13:59:00.002+08:00

and fuck yeah, I'm going to drive Odyssey! Going for a trip to Malacca. Desperately need a trip somehow somewhere.

i'm leaving home tonight after maghrib, will be leaving for Malacca on monday morning. x)

sensation.

2011-05-08T02:11:00.005+08:00

even with eyes tightly shut, gripping it down, hard.

even when darkness surround me,

i can still feel it,

the sensation, this feeling.

where,

my hand is being held on,

as if wanted me to help,

and the look-- that look.

inside the oxygen mask

with both of the eyes closed,

it hurts.

both of us.

it hurts for me too.

as I can't do a shit,

and my right hand tightly held, by a sums of hardly gathered energy left,

weakly,

I raise my left hand, and rub my eyes.

I still can't forget. I don't know when will I forget.

slurpee and sunset.

2011-05-01T01:32:00.007+08:00

Bayangkan waktu kau tengah hilang arah, kau hilang tumpuan, ibarat semua benda dah mula berpaling dari kau, menolak kau melawan arus.

Dan bila kau sedar kau makin terdesak, kau lakukan apa saja yang kau fikir kau nak buat.

Bila emosi mengatasi minda, bila jiwa membentak, bila kau terdesak, apa yang kau boleh campak? Apa yang aku buat, aku ikut kata hati. Hati aku bukanlah bersih mana pun. Kotoq bukan main. Bermasaalah. Tak boleh ikut lojik lagu nasyid yang selalu aku dengaq zaman muda-muda.

"Pandangan mata selalu menipu,

Pandangan mata selalu tersalah,

Pandangan nafsu selalu melulu

Pandangan hati itu yang hakiki,

Kalau hati itu bersih."

So kategori bersih tu aku rase depends ah, ada cakap xsemestinya kau sentiasa buat baik hati kau bersih, tak semestinya kau jahat kau hati kotor. Ah, biaq lah. Bukan tu apa yang aku nak habaq kat hangpa.

Bayangkan, semua benda yang mengusutkan aku taim tu, hilang. Macam susu. Apesal susu? Entah.

12 April, 2011. Aku dah buat keputusan. Waktu tu jugak aku pi. Pi pantai. Ada pilihan, antara Kuantan dengan PD. Aku pilih PD. Sebab? Dah biasa. Lagipun aku bukan nak pi meronda-ronda dekat sana. Pi nak tengok pantai, laut ja. Kalau pi Kuantan hang sesat kang. Tak ka gila.

Jadi aku pergi sana, ikut Semenyih. Huih. Sumpah jaoh. Sebab pa aku pilih Semenyih? Sebab dekat kawasan tu aku bet Papa takdak spy-spy. Payah sikit kalau mana-mana ja hangpa pi ada orang habaq kat bapak hangpa. Naik bas loncat, entah berapa jam dalam bas tu. Tau tau dekat Seremban dah. Lega. Tukaq bas, naik pi PD pulak.

Dekat PD tu, sampai dalam pukul 3. Naik teksi sampai dekat pantai, area pantai bulan? Entah, lupa. Jalan kaki sampai dekat roundabout, nak menghala ke arah teluk kemang.

Sampai dekat sana, around pukul 5. Tapi terik lagi matahari. Apa lagi, bawak keluaq kamera la, start nak tangkap gambaq. Sad to say is I forgot I left my Diana at home, too busy this semester to snap pictures, buy films etc etc. So I borrow Adib's Nikkon instead. I pretty much used to it so I think it's quite okay. Plus Adib totally cool bout it. Thanks!

But there was little to none interesting subjects to snap around. It was weekday, and the stalls alongside the beach, more than 100 stalls I think, only 10 were opened. It was, very, very quite.

Good for me, bad for the camera. Was sitting around when I saw a beautiful couple. Asked their permission to take pictures, but they only allowed me to publish the non-close up pics. I'm okay with that.

So yeah. She's okay - okay lah for me, but the guy is quite jambu. With a dragon tattoo on his right shoulder. Weird.

But soon afterwards some people started to go enjoy the sea water, so I decided to joined them! Memang sexcited gila babs. The water is quite warm for my liking, but still it was enjoyable, maybe I was too excited to care about that.

Notice a family of three enjoying the beach. Grab the camera and snap some pics.

His name is Alif if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, random shot.

One thing I always did when I went to beach is hermit crab! Was lucky to get one inside the water but it was difficult, with the waves and stuff, so it slipped and din manage to take a picture of him. sad.

But fear not! I got myself a replacement!

I think they're quite cute to be honest.

And last and not the leastttttt. The sky. Ah. I was a bit upset tho it was going to rain. The sun was setting, but the cloudy weather doesn't help at all. It's getting dark, and I was afraid I can't get a place to sleep at night, and raining sucks, I can't walk, it's hard getting a taxi and stuff. So I decided it was the end of my journey. Pretty much. Was pretty upset, but heck, I'll take it, better than nothing!

p/s to those who notice the title post, know why slurpee and sunset? i was pretty much back in my memory lane all the way to pd and back at kl.

and if you knew, yeah, most of the story was fiction. 50, or 55%.

ngilu

2011-04-12T10:17:00.003+08:00

bagus. bajet boleh tidor lah kalau kau makan ubat tidor? camne kalau kau bangun lebih kurang 1-2 jam je lepas kau makan ubat tidor tu?

badan kau makin lali dengan ubat tidor? gamaknya.

do I really, really have to satisfy other needs to make my own satisfaction fulfilled ? do I have to sacrifice my own needs to satisfy other's, will it make things better?

will I ABLE to hang on? do you really give a fuck?

guess last week's friday escape wasn't enough. was going to blog about that, but since it's pretty much depressing because i'm fucking alone, and i'm so fucking desperate to do that, and my weekends are so fucked up that i was so fucking down i can't even say i was sane enough at that time, i decided to post something 'honest'.

and god. to think that this whole week is more or less the same. and to think that after a fucked up March i was very hopeful of a very, very, very, normal (not lucky) April,

i was so wrong. this .. sucks. i gave up.

i have to run. i need to run, even if it means i'm going to be alone this weekend. even if i end up somewhere i don't even know, or somewhere i used to cherish my memories (even now) , somewhere where i can gaze the stars, listen to sound of never ending waves, feeling like i was burst by the powerful wind of the sea breeze..

even if it means i'm going to be all by myself.

preparations

2011-04-12T06:59:00.000+08:00

follow up post.

okay, i've decided. dear papa mama, i won't going home this weekend. dear abang, happy birthday, but i'm afraid i won't be there to celebrate your birthday. dear kakak, don't be so depressed, abang is going to take you to the national science center this weekend. dear silent readers, please by all mean, don't tell my parents about this.

so i'm going to have a very very long walk. i'm not using kancil. easily recognized. half-way, spotted, i'm dead. i'll be using public transport.

meaning i'll be solely relying on my ipod. going to charge it up, and fill it with endless list of songs.

my backpack will contain.. i don't know. torch light? figure it may take a night or two. t-shirts, shorts, toothbrush.. what else.

shoes? nah, will be using my trusty pair of crocs kot. and shud bring a pair of slippers, just in case.

should i bring charger too? for my handphones? or perhaps i shudnt bring my handphones at all. its not like it's going to ring anyway.

oh my earphone just died. sigh. gonna buy a new one first.

should i bring camera too? will it be my diana, or someone else's ? is adib going to lend me his? going to ask him, but afraid he won't. tsk tsk. dah lah ada flash baru, confirm lah cannot let go. but well, it's gonna be worth to try. i take back my words, dslr does not sucks. :P

but din bringing a dslr is going to pose a greater risk, esp when you're all alone? it'll going to stand out a bit, and i can't risk someone else's camera.. seems like i have to rely on my trusty diana f+!

lessee.. what else? charger for my ipod? meaning i have to bring along my laptop. i guess not, i have to make sure my backpack is light to make myself at ease. this is malaysia, not like other country, where you can backpack with lesser risk of getting robbed. gonna make myself agile a bit, so i can save my energy for my running!

and the most important thing is.. when? idk, i can go today if i really want to.. yes i'm that desperate. it's not like anyone is going to tag along..

more or less. going to google a bit here and there, and make up my mind.

fuck cancer. fuck leukemia.

2011-04-11T03:03:00.005+08:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off! had enough with it. tak habis habis. lepas sorang, sorang. lepas tu lagi sorang. lagi sorang. ape ni, aku ni kuat sangat ke ha? fuck la. fuck. fuck.

oh fuck this insomnia too. i hate to endure all of this fucking shit all fucking alone. i'm so fucked up, i don't fucking care anymore, fuck it, fuck me, hate me, fuck off, fuck this shits. if you want to hate me, go on. fuck it. i'm using being hated anyway. i'm always the fucking bad guy, will never change. you have no use of me anymore right, so just go. why are you being so fucking stupid, to actually be there by me? fuck it.

if you hate me for what i am, go fuck yourself. why did i even befriend with you? i don't understand. y'see, i don't really fucking remember who the fuck is who the fuck, albeit he's fucking famous around these tiny place, but if i remember you, i won't forget you till i fucking dead. means if i already thought you as a friend, i won't fucking back stabbing you while smiling like a fucking dewa in front of your fucking face. if you hate him/her please for god sake, TELL HIM/HER, don't fucking back talk them. are you THAT FUCKING PERFECT to do that?

so why are you guys are here anyway? to fucking make fun of me? go on. have fun. to fucking hate me? sure, go on. like I give a fuck anyway. to be honest i fucking hate myself anyway. so don't feel bad. because you guys are, the most perfect, good looking, smart, intelligent bastard ever.

i'm just a fucking loner, i always be. i always will be. it's a sad fucking fact that i don't want to fucking accept it if i can, but this is just the fucking things are.

oh to those 59 "followers", please gtfo too. unfollow please. like you guys give a fuck. all you guys care are increasing youre traffic, nuffnag whatsofucking ever. hello, if you want money that much, please focus on your work, have a part-time job, work till your ass off, get some OT, and actually do your fucking work instead of blogging.

i'm so fucking damn tired of all this fucking shit. cukup sudah dengan all of the bullshits with all the goatdamn fucking diseases, you fucking throw your bullshits at those people yang help you when you guys are fucking sad, begging for their fucking money, and this is what you gave back? what a fucking joke! dah lah diorang fucking sick, kena jaga orang yang sakit, yang perangai macam celaka jugak . ha baguslah! bagus. in the end, the one yang kena is the one yang baik hati sangat pergi tolong, baik hati sangat, tak ambik hati.

I won't forget the slap I get for backing up my mom. From my mom.

"mama tak pernah ajaq anak mama cakap macam tu!" I'll never forget it.

fuck this. god. i fucking hate this. fuck all this. i just want a fucking simple life. i always distant myself from everyone, so that when this kind of shits happen i'll be less painful. it never happens.

what i did i learnt after all this fucking 6 years? what is the fucking result after this 6 fucking years? NOTHING. even i fucking try my fucking best i fucking flop at it, i suck at doing my best.

i, fucking hate you, for fucking left me here alone; trying to defy all these fucked up shits, for leaving this fuck up world, and just see me fucked things up.

i'm just another fuck up fucker.

kaseh ; (mati itu pasti)

2011-04-10T14:43:00.002+08:00

Biar bertahun
kian mengalir
Esok kan jadi mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu teringat melodiku
Kerlipan bintang menjadi bukti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Siang berlalu
Malam berakhir
Bangunlah dari mimpi
Keresahan ini pasti
Dahaga merindu takkan kembali
Semoga di hatimu, teringat iramaku
Impianmu kan menjadi pasti

Kali terakhir kunyatakan kepadamu
Sayang kamu, sehingga kini
Hadirmu warnakan mimpi
Saban hari kau sayangi
Tak mungkin hilang
Kaseh

Jajahan Bintang

2011-04-10T14:22:00.002+08:00

Hujan oh hujan
Bilakah akan berhenti ?
Ini bukan
Lukisan yang ku termimpi

Tapi pabila ku cuba lagi
Langit ku lihat hujan berhenti
Lainnya rasa…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi gelora melanda di hati
Jangan menangis sayang
Semoga bersama di hari
Daku kembali…

Jajahan bintang ini
Tak berseri, tiada lagi
Sinaran bulan itu
Aku jemu, hanya kamu
Lengkapi malam, hari, sanubari

Tiada lagi….

off to isle of innisfree

2011-03-18T18:53:00.002+08:00

so I'm not getting better. And the last thing I need right now is more shites. unfortunately in life, if you are getting lucky, be prepare to get more luck. but if you're in a shit holes, be prepare to get worse.

some people might prefer the more safe road, the "I-don't-want-to-take-any-risk", and just be by themselves, run away from all their responsibility, I have done what I always do, it's up to you to take it or leave it.

if they think they flopped their chance, if they think they were inferior to the other half, they'll just leave it that way, and be like that, or, run.

to whoever chose to run, I mean it, it's a very good choice. you can cover up your guilty or your coward-ness with "It's the best for you" bullshits.

to whoever chooses to continue and be like that, fuck you. Don't you believe to the word "May tomorrow be better than today?" Try be a better fools, you idiot.

to whoever chooses to stay and just try their best, never give up, never feel satisfied with their effort, then I pity you. You have to live with someone that you felt inferior with, someone who is better than you, all your life. You have to listen to their rants, you have to see who they really are, you have to support them when they needed someone, you have to make them feel better. Sanggup? No. No one ever wanted that.

so I should pity myself. getting rewarded is what kept me do good things since I was 3. And I still don't understand, after all bullshits I get I kept on doing good things for what?

This?

Anyway, I can say that I felt better. At least, by a tiny bit. And yeah, I cried when I updated the post "tak faham", because of the physical pain, and the emotional state of mine.

To be honest, I open the phonebook and called the last person I wanted to talk to at that time, the last person I wanted to show how I was at that time. But her name was on the top of the phonebook. I still don't know why I called her.

Anyway thanks Amal. I mean it.

And I should stop blogging about my life, my personal emotions and about me. I should share with you guys about my thoughts, my opinion instead. or my experience. I talked about me more because of obligations, respect, and I should give someone know my condition, even if that fella did not ask me about. And I think I should stop showing my weaker side more, because, I will get worse day by day now. Thanks.

And yes, I should share it with someone. But I did not have one, so I share it on my blog, which have 50 followers with most of them I don't even know, and most of the people that I know, I wish they did not know what I've been going through.

So I'm thinking less talking about my life here. Not anymore. I know, I need to write, I need to draw, I need to express to make myself sane, but this blog, beat the purpose. I felt it is unwise to share everything here.

Eventhough I need to. I guess I'll open another account, and continue rambling, and stop worrying about what people think of me. That will be better, because actually I wanted to share all about me with those people I love, but nah, I guess it's a bad try.

In the end, I guess I'll be that pathetic boy, who don't want to leave his past, his good time, his memories behind, the boy who just wanted to be happy, the boy who don't want to worry about future, that sad boy, who don't want to grow up, to be at the future.

Hell is just a word, reality is much worse.

plog Thursday 17th March 2011

2011-03-18T12:01:00.004+08:00

Entri Sakit

(Entry di buat sewaktu kelas Tassawur Islam 27 Mac 2011.)

[Lepas haritu* aku terjatuh, aku mula mengalami sakit2. Mula2 sakit dekat tgn kanan.

Lepas tu Dua Dua belah pulak rasa SAKIT T_T

sekarang, rasa tak selesa dah. Makan painkillers jela..]

plog Thursday 24th February

2011-03-18T11:55:00.004+08:00

Entry Rempit.

(Entry di buat sewaktu kelas Tassawur Islam 24 Feb yang lepas)

[Ye... saya Rempit lagi hari ini.. sbb saya demam. T_T

nak x nak ni jela SWEATER yang Aku ada..

..t e r p a k s a-lah aku mengharungi I hari lagi dengan penuh dgn

mata yang tajam bak pisau. sob T_T]

tak faham

2011-03-18T00:58:00.002+08:00

sakit ni buat aku sakit hati gila. annoying, sakit, pedih, perit, dan menyusahkan. juga buat aku bertambah cuak dan berhati-hati.

nak taip cerita cerita yang aku sendiri eksaited nak tulis pun tak boleh. cerita tu macam ekstesi aku, aku punya passion. tapi,, shit.

apa yang aku tak faham, aku cukup tak faham, tak cukup ke peluang? nak lagi? dah tau aku dah macam cibai punya sakit, tak faham lagi ke? ikut lah perasaan kau sangat, peduli apa perasaan aku, pegi mampos.

ah sial. painkillers macam gula gula je. sekejap je manis.

aku rasa macam nak nangis. ya Allah. I always bear in mind yang sakit ni tanda yang Allah bagi menunjukkan Allah ingat. Tapi aku sakit sangat lah, tak tahan. Aku nak jadi macam manusia biasa. Aku tak suka macam ni, aku tak boleh buat apa aku suka, heck aku nak drive pun sakit gila babi.

Aku tak suka, aku sakit. sakit la sial. sakit. tolonglah. aku tak tahan. aku tak kuat. tolonglah. apa apa jela. aku nak kuat, aku taknak sakit, aku aku tak tahan.

ya Allah.. aku dah tak ada tempat mengadu.

sakit

2011-03-08T06:53:00.001+08:00

Aku sakit hati, badan dan kepala. Ada gash dekat dahi sebelah kiri bawah rambut. Masa otw balik baru perasan. Bodoh betul. Aku dah jadi makin lemah.

flapping birds; apparently it's knocking on my door.

2011-03-06T18:16:00.003+08:00

Pedal minyak aku tekan, mencecah lantai. Kereta ke kiri, ke kanan, ke kiri, mencelah mencari ruang. Ekor mata tercari-cari ruang, dalam ketidak-ada tumpuan. Entah kenapa aku nak balik sangat, padahal aku dah dekat kolej aku.

Semalam ada dua peluang aku tentukan untuk ikut gerak hati aku atau tidak. Gerak hati aku yang pertama, balik rumah. Aku gagahkan diri aku pulang. Kali ke dua, tak, aku tak buat. Aku patut buat, itu mungkin boleh buat aku rasa lebih lega hari ni.

Malam tadi aku tidur lena. Sungguh. Penat, fatigue, entah. Aku tak tau, apesal lena sangat. Bangun pagi-pagi, buat rutin seharian aku. Lepas selesai tanggungjawab aku pagi buta tu, aku baring, tengok dekat luar. Sampai aku terlelap.

"Aizat, Aizaaaattt."

"Ye mama" Dengan mata separuh terbukak, dan aku pasti ada air liur dekat bibir aku, aku menyahut panggilan mama.

"Mama ada benda nak bagitau, bukak pintu dulu"

"Ha? Awat mama?"

"Ni nak habaq la ni. Bukak pintu dulu" Seperti yang disuruh, aku bukak pintu.

"Ayah kawan Aizat meninggal"

"Hah?"

"Kawan papa tu, apa tah nama dia. Zul ke apa tah"

Aku terpegun jap. Berita yang paling aku taknak dengar, berita yang paling aku benci, benda yang aku paling tak suka dengar, adalah ni. Berita musibah orang lain. Lagi lagi waktu pagi buta. Anyway siapa bapak dia Zul? Zulhusni? Zulfadli? Jap. Zulkifli? Tu bukan ke

Nadmin.

Kawan papa, tick. Kawan aku, tick. Sakit, tick. MashaAllah. Terus aku dail nombor Nadmin. Tak berangkat. Selang 5 minit kemudian, dapat message dari tuan punya badan.

"Aizat, ayah sy baru meninggal"

Terus aku call. Berderau darah aku baca. Bila cakap dengan dia, aku jadi gugup. Aku jadi hairan, apesal aku yang jadi bukan-bukan pulak ni. Kelu, ape jadah lagi lah. Apesal aku yang jadi macam ni? Macam celaka. Dia pulak, sangat firm, dan tenang.

"Dah ketentuan, terime jela"

Selesai bercakap, aku rebahkan badan aku. Kepala aku terbayang papa. Oh, patut lah.

"Aizat, mama nak pi rumah dia, Aizat tunjuk jalan okay?" Aku terjaga. Terlelap.

"Ha? Papa?"

"Papa, ada event dengan RELA. Dia tak boleh cancel."

Jadi aku drive lah mama dan kakak aku, ke rumah arwah. Ternampak Ustaz Hanif, suami Cikgu Shahrifah. Cikgu yang mengajar aku dari darjah 4, sampai 6. Ustaz yang ajar aku mengaji al-Quran dari darjah 4, smpai 6. Khatam 3 kali tak silap aku.

"Papa lambat lagi?"

"Ha'ah kot."

"Shooting practice ke, ada majlis ape?"

"Wallahu'alam Ustaz, tak sempat kot nak datang."

"Sempat kot, insha Allah. Kebumi lepas Zuhur."

10, 15 minit aku dekat sana. Tak jumpa orang yang aku nak jumpa. Tuan rumah, Nadmin dan arwah. Aku kecewa. Mama nak balik dah. Aku redha. Bodoh.

Terbaring dekat living room, depan TV. Mama nak tengok Melodi, sukahati lah. Menyampah aku dengan berita artis sekarang. Lebih kurang lepas solat Zuhur, papa called. Papa cakap papa baru nak bertolak dari majlis. Macam tau-tau je aku tak ikut mak aku keluar dengan kakak aku.

20 minit kemudian sampai depan rumah. Dengan seragam RELA dia tu, keluar, dia duduk seat satu lagi. Aku drive? Tutup pintu, papa menjawab soalan aku tadi,

"Aizat drive lah, papa tak larat."

"Papa dari mana?"

"KL"

Kuala Lumpur saudara saudari sekalian, ke Rawang, 20 minit di tengah hari Ahad, adalah satu achievement ye.

"Ni pun papa suruh naib papa handle benda alah tu. Serba salah. Waktu tengah shooting tadi pun aim lari habis, kepala tak fokus."

Sampai je tanah perkuburan, laju je ayah aku menapak. Besar-besar je langkah dia, dengan kulit muka dia pucat kemerahan. Ish, tak pakai cream yg doktor bagi ke ayah aku ni. Nampak dia bersalaman dengan Hadi, dan ayah Hadi, Haji Muhammad. Lalu di tunjukkan jalan ke bawah khemah, dia duduk sebelah keluarga. Aku tegur Hadi, lalu aku tengok ke arah khemah.

Dah siap dikebumikan dah. Malang. Aku dengan Hadi, dalam khalayak ramai tu, berdiri je. Membaca tahlil, mengaminkan do'a. Pandangan aku tak lepas dari susuk orang yang duduk di hadapan kubur, di hadapan sekali, membelakangkan aku. Selang 2-3 orang, ayah aku. At one point aku nampak ayah aku dengan dia, 2-3 orang lagi tu blurrr je.

Macam mana lah aku nanti. Mampu ke aku duduk, menghalakan pandangan ke arah kubur tu, macam perempuan ni buat? Sekuat, setabah dia? Apalah yang akan jadi dekat ayah aku, entah bila. 2 hari, 3 minggu, 4 bulan. Entah bila. Bersediakah aku?

Semua pandangan dilemparkan ke arah pembaca do'a, apabila dia tersekat-sekat membaca do'a. Sebak. Serentak mata aku bergenang. Aku benci dengan diri sendiri. Over reaction, entah lah. Kenapa aku nak sedih sangat ni, aku tak tau lah. Bukan aku rapat pun dengan arwah, tapi entah lah.

Do'a di sambung orang lain. Aku mengaminkan sahaja do'a. Nampak adik Nadmin, duduk sebelah pembaca do'a tadi. Di sebut nama arwah, lalu di palingkan kepala ke arah adik lelaki Nadmin tu, dia mengganguk. Aku perhatikan sahaja, tangan terketar-ketar menadah tangan, mengaminkan do'a.

Nampak pulak kelibat seorang lagi pemuda, entah siapa. Duduk bertentangan aku, mengambil secubit tanah, di picit, di biar butir-butir tanah tu jatuh ke tanah kembali; Dari tanah kita dihidupkan, di tanah juga kita dikebumikan, dan dari tanah juga kita dihidupkan kembali.

Selesai do'a, aku berdiri. Dan terus berdiri. Melihat keluarga arwah menaburkan bunga, menuangkan air mawar, melihat si kecil dipimpin menuangkan air. Aku, berdiri, entah tak tahu menahu, orang disekeliling aku mula beransur, entah bila Hadi pulang. Bila sahaja aku sedar, bila lagu Heart In A Cage, bunyi riff gitar Nick Valensi berbunyi.

Sambil aku mengorak langkah ke kereta Mini Cooper S tu, aku menyedekahkan al-Fatihah dekat siapa sahaja yang pernah ada, dan pergi dari hidup aku. al Fatihah jugak aku sedekahkan dekat arwah.

Papa drive balik. Aku cuma tengok luar tingkap. Dalam hati masih bersyukur, yang drive sebelah aku ni, papa. Ayah aku. Dia masih ada, aku masih ada peluang. Aku patut bersyukur sangat.

Aku masih ada masa.

flapping bird, #1

2011-03-04T23:22:00.005+08:00

Faizal.

Aku termanggu manggu. Apekejadah, atau dalam versi translatenye what the hell? Mimpi ke hape aku ni?

"Kau sape nak cakap macam tu?! Kau ingat kau bagus sangat ke?! Kau ingat kau faham aku, kau tahu ape aku rase?!"

"Aku cuma cakap yang betul je,"

"Kau DIAM!"

I'm just stating the obvious.. Aku masih mumble. Sambil melihat dia ditahan oleh rakan sekelas. Ah bukannya aku tak kenal perempuan tu, biasa lah, dah adat menjadi hamba yang Esa ni, yang pergi kena lah let go. Takkan nak meratapi kot.

Allah lagi menyayangi.

Tapi in the end, setelah hampir separuh dekad berlalu baru aku tau,

aku salah.

Aku cuma stating the obvious, yes, I am. Tapi takkan lah mamat tu bengap? Bodoh bebal? Dia, anak YDP PIBG kot. Kelas, nak kelas 4 Sejati, 4 Sc1, PMR 7As, EQ lagi lah gile, kalau x nak ukur dengan IQ. Dia punya common sense boleh katakan lagi tinggi lah, kalau nak banding dengan aku.

Aku, yang pandai. Pandai fotostat jawapan peperiksaan. Fotostat dari buku, ke buku jawapan peperiksaan. Apa yang aku pandai? Terima fakta dari buku. Dia? Membahaskan fakta tu. Membahaskan kenapa Dato' Onn punya idea membuka keahlian UMNO kepada semua kaum ditolak mentah-mentah oleh kaum Melayu, sedangkan itu merupakan penyelesaian kepada segala-galanya.

Aku panggil dia mengarut. Walaupun dia teman aku. Dia trouble maker. Si rebel yang tak pernah fikir kedudukan sendiri. Bagi aku dia mengharapkan bapak dia. Tak padan dengan susuk yang kecik.

Aku ingat aku faham sangat dia ni.

Jawapan yang aku berikan dekat dia, yang membuatkan dia menghayunkan buku limanya ke pipi aku, walaupun yang pertama dia tak sampai sebab dia berdiri pun tak betul, nak tumbuk orang. Jawapan yang diberikan aku, sangat-sangat, banggang.

Jawapan Text Book. Jawapan yang boleh dicari dimana-mana buku.

Pernah ke aku faham dia?

5 tahun sebelum tu, dia merupakan free spirit. Bebas merantau ke seluruh Taman Desa, di fasa tiga dan empat, merayau sampai ke Sungai Bakau, berbasikal di sebelah lori-lori yang besarnya beratus kali ganda fizikal genitnya itu.

Membakar kulit di tengah terik panas. Yang mengajaknya? Aku lah, sapa lagi. Aku carry dia, dia duduk antara handle bar tu. Perh, hati kering sial waktu tu. Padahal baru darjah 4.

Tapi bila aku darjah 6, aku dah dapat tawaran macam-macam untuk jadi pengawas lah, ketua kelas lah, ape lah. Sebab fizikal aku, aku lagi tinggi. Dan aku ni, kira jambu jugak lah.

Dan trend tu berterusan sampai ke.. sekarang. Aku, masih lagi pengawas. Rambut bersikat, bersih, kemas. Sentiasa poket berbuku nota. Dia, memilih untuk menjadi Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya. PRS lah sangat, padahal kau tu dah boleh kategori merosakkan orang lagi ade lah.

"Kau.. buat ape ni?"

"Ha?"

"Aku tanye kau ni Faizal. Kau tengah buat ape ni"

"Aku, tengah jaga tangga lah. Apesal"

"Hahah! Dari kau jaga tangga, pekate, kau join ktorang, main conquer kat dalam kelas ni. Ha.. Kan sejuk, ada kipas bagai. Kerusi pun ade, boleh duduk"

"Eh kau gila hape. Amanah ni, amanah"

"Haha asal, kau jaga harta karun ape ni?"

"Puan Maimunah ni, suruh aku jaga tangga. Jadi dia bagi aku amanah, aku kena la jaga"

"Erk. Aih, sukahati kau lah. Jaga tangga tu, buat apa? Bukannya kau menolong orang pun jaga tangga"

"..."

"Baik kau lepak dengan member kau. Nanti besok lusa diorang takde, hah, kan dah rindu pulak karang. Macam aku, aku tau kau rindu aku kan. Kahkahkah. "

"Eleh, dah dah, jangan masuk kelas kite. Kang aku tulis nama kau kang"

"Tulis lah! Bwekkk"

Macam budak-budak, tak reti ikut peraturan! Tak matang!

"Awak, kalau awak nak tanya soalan bukan-bukan dalam kelas saya, baik awak keluar."Puan Sumaiyah, dah memberi amaran. Komfirm diam punyalah kelas kali ni. Aman sket. Pergh.

DRRRRRRRRRRP.

Bunyi kerusi bergerak. Aku yang tengah menghighlight nota ni pelik.

"Hei awak nak pergi mana tu?!"

"Keluar kelas lah, mana lagi"

"Duduk, sekarang jugak!"

"Tadi cikgu cakap kalau ada soalan pelik-pelik keluar kelas"

"Kenapa awak degil sangat?"

"Sebab saya nak tahu, cikgu kan cikgu sejarah"

"Awak duduk, diam, baca buku tu, hafal fakta buku tu, jawab soalan peperiksaan ikut jawapan buku tu, buat mak ayah kaya awak tu gembira, sudah lah!"

Tergamam aku. Apa lagi lah kau ni. Give-up jelah, jangan lah jadi attention seeker sangat..

Dia duduk kembali. Termenung ke luar.

Dan macam-macam lagi. Penat seh kalau nak ingat balik segala apa yang dia pernah buat.

Tapi, sejak 8 bulan lepas, dia.. berubah. Tak, dia masih dengan ideologi bodoh dia tu, cuma dia dah lebih toned down sikit. Maka aku diperkenalkan dengan Diana. Seorang perempuan yang, aku tak tahu kenapa dia boleh melekat dengan mamat ni. Dalam banyak-banyak orang. Banyak lagi yang jambu, cute, hot, dsb. Dengan pakej dia, tak payah petik jari, orang nampak je dah berkerumun.

Mamat ni pulak rimas dengan perempuan ni. Perempuan tu lah yang mengongkong dia! Dia dah tak bebas, dia dah tak ada kebebasan bersuara dia dah.

"Aku tak boleh lari dah dohh."

"Hah, kau nak lari sangat apesal"

"Aku, tak biasa macam ni"

"Ape jadi sebenanye"

"Dia tuu, tak ubah macam pak gad dalam hidup aku! Diupah oleh mak bapak aku untuk mengacau hidup aku!"

"Dah tu, lari jela. "

"Tapi, dia.. faham aku."

Aku salute perempuan tu, betul.

Tapi bila jadi macam ni, aku tak puas hati.

"Kau tak dengar ke aku cakap, dia dah mati! Let it go man!"

"Easy for you to say!"

FUUUP.

"Eh?" Tak kena. Tumbukan dia tak kena. Gila!

BAAAPP. Satu lagi tumbukan melayang. Kali ni mengena sasaran. Pipi aku.

"Cuba kalau kau pulak kena macam aku!"

"Cuba kalau kau rasa macam aku rasa!"

"Cuba kalau kau dianggap masalah oleh orang lain, macam aku rasa!"

"Salah tau tak, jadi aku! Berdosa! Aku, tak boleh jadi aku! Aku kena jadi macam orang nak, aku kena jadi cendekiawan buku, berkepit dengan buku tak kira mana aku pergi! Aku kena jadi macam bapak aku, YDP PIBG! Doktor!"

"Siapa boleh terima aku dekat dunia ni? Siapa yang boleh aku cerita macam-macam? Siapa yang aku boleh meluahkan perasaan aku, kau? Cikgu? Sape?"

"Sape boleh teman aku lagi lepas ni, sape boleh gilakan cerita-cerita, auta, fakta, falsampah aku lepas ni?"

Aku terdiam. Dia terduduk.

Cerita pasal mamat ni, aku tak tau lah. Dia ni, memang masalah. Cuma sehari lepas tu dia ni berpindah sekolah. Ke sekolah berasrama.

Susah nak jadi diri sendiri. Bak kata dia, berdosa. Masyarakat sentiasa menghakimi diri. Dia tu serabai lah, dia tu muka macam mat pit lah, dia tu lembut, macam cibai.

Dia tu, kaki kacau. Sebab apa? Sebab dia memang macam tu. Biasalah.

Yang paling sicknya, aku. Sebab aku sebahagian dari masyarakat tu. Sial.

Monday Blues

2011-02-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

Lepas puas aku menatap dinding serta siling, pintu bilik aku dibukak, kelihatan sosok besar di sebalik cahaya luar bilik aku. Kegelapan bilik aku hilang tatkala beliau membukak lampu. Lalu aku mencapai tuala untuk ke bilik air. Rumet aku usha je.

Separuh jalan, aku bukak songbird dan mula memilih lagu untuk didengari ketika aku mandi. Baru tekan lagu Malayneum, terdengar pintu bilik air tertutup. Hah. Bagus sangat lah tu. aku nak mandi kau pun kelam kabut nak mandi jugak. Nampak aku pegang towel tu, boleh lak rushing nak gi mandi. Terbaik.

Terus aku tukar Silent Night, Bodom Night.

Lepas salin baju timberland, pakai short aku plan nak pegi PSZ. Stadi siket, ada quiz php. Internet dekat kolej takde. Lagi satu fucked up. Sebelum tu egt nak gi Subway. Memanjakan diri, plus it's monday, it's BMT day. Turun turun bawah je, tengok ada kereta parking belakang aku.

BAPAK PANAS GILA HATI AKU.

Takpe, aku chill. Rilek sudah. So aku serta merta bukak beg aku, tulis guna marker. Ikutkan hati bukan stakat signature guna kunci kereta aku sebesar2 alam kat kereta mamat tu, aku kemekkan jugak kereta dia.

"Lain kali, parking taruk la gear neutral (N), boleh? Thx"

So camne. Belakang aku ade kereta. Sebelah aku ade kereta. Camne aku nak keluar? Aku kire ade la gap sikit, bajet2 sikit gile je, malas nak fikir panjang, aku terus je ah pusing stereng kete tu, pulas kiri, pulas kanan, gear D, gear R, gear D, gear R, pusing lagi stereng.

Last-last skali bjaye. Bjaye menahan sabar, serta berjaya keluar. Hasil "CONFIDENT" habis aku setelah bertaun2 drive. Sape-sape lagi lepas ni ragu-ragu dengan skill bawak kereta aku memang aku tak tau nak cakap ape.

Tengok la, besau mane je derang tinggal. Bapak celaka doe.

So aku teruskan lah plan aku, plus it's just 9.20. Awal lagi. Kedai tutup pukul 10. Sempat jugak aku makan BMT. Aku harapkan semua berjalan dengan lancar, rupanya, hujan ribut jangan disangka 3-4 jam je, cuba expect 24jam baru habis.

Masuk je Wangsa Walk Mall tu, aku nampak line berator panjaaaaang je. Bullshit. Aku dengan control nye pergi lah beratur belakang line tu. Sorang-sorang beli. Nampak orang beli roti oat je, dengan parmesan oregamo. Apekes?

Dah penat berator tu, lagi 2 orang, aku punye turn, maka the worst shit happens.

"Bang, roti dah habis lah. "

WTFBBQ.

Terus aku melangkah lajuuuu je pergi BBQ Chicken. Makan sini lagi puas hati. Habis makan pukul 10.10. Terbaik. Plan aku nak pergi PSZ? Mimpi jela.

painkiller.

2011-02-28T22:10:00.003+08:00

GEDEGANGG!

Aku menghempas pintu tu sekuat mungkin. Bodoh betul. Nak cakap bodoh tu, tak lah, tapi agaknya bodoh sangat kot. Di kuaknya pintu tu, dilihat aku dengan kemeja pinstripe aku bertie hitam, dalam bilik air?

"Kau dah apesal hentak pintu aku kuat-kuat?"

"Kau banggang hape?" Dia tanya aku elok-elok aku balas dengan nada tinggi. Memang panas hati aku.

"Apesal pulak kau cakap aku banggang?"

"Sejak sem lepas lagi, aku masuk bilik air ni, aku tutup pintu kau, kau tak paham bahasa lagi ke?"

"Eh sukahati aku la nak tutup ke tak pintu aku. Tak kacau kau pun kan?"

"Tak kacau? Kau cakap tak kacau?"

"..."

"Cuba kau bagitau apa pasal kau bukak pintu bilik kau? Cakap lah!"

"..."

"Meh aku bagitau kau, pasal bilik kau tu busuk! Pegi mampos bilik kau memang busuk nak mampos! Setiap kali aku bukak pintu bilik air aku, aku bau bilik kau, kau tau? Menyampah! Kalau wangi takpe, ni busuk macam haram! Aku nak berak pun tak senang. Apehal kau? Aku lagi rela bau taik aku dari bau bilik kau, sumpah busuk gila! Kau bukak pintu bilik air kau tau lak bilik kau busuk, jaga lah kebersihan bilik kau! Ini kan tidak, sampai ke bilik air kotor, asal, kau ingat bilik air kau sorang je? Kalau kau bersihkan jugak takpe lah! Aku yang kena bersihkan kau tau, kalau kau cakap thanks ke hape takpe jugak, ini kau buat ape? Buat kotor balik ade lah! Tak sampai seminggu dah kotor balik, gile penggotor sial kau ni! ape, rumah kau kau buat apa? sarang tikus?"

"..."

"Dah la rumet aku macam babi, kau pun nak perangai macam babi, pengotor! Harap pergi surau, solat, macam macam ah, tapi kalau kebersihan tak jaga ape kes? Memang perangai macam babi"

Lalu aku hempas lagi pintu bilik air tu. Sekuat hati aku. Macam sampah. Geram aku tak hilang lagi. Dinding jadi mangsa penumbuk aku. Aku tumbuk sekuat mungkin, gedebuk. Bila jadi macam ni, adrenalin aku merasuki aku. Aku tak rasa apa-apa. Tapi 3 minit kemudian, to my surprise, my fist hurts. Betul, aku dah jadi makin lembik. Aku tak terkejut, tapi aku tak tau pulak, sampai macam ni punya lembik.

Dari buku lima aku hingga ke pergelangan tangan, kemudian ke forearm, ke siku dan bahu, sakit tu sikit-sikit merebak, seiring kehilangan adrenalin aku.

Aku menghempaskan badan aku di katil. Memikirkan betapa masa berubah. Betapa aku makin lemah. Betapa aku sangat lemah. Betapa lama lagi, aku kena berlakon kuat. Sampai bila? Mana lagi aku nak kutip kekuatan aku? Family? Kawan? Siapa? Duit? Apa? Mana?

Siapa cakap aku tak pernah buat silap? Siapa cakap aku ni kuat? Siapa cakap aku ni takde hati perasaan? Siapa cakap aku ni ada confident yang tinggi? Siapa cakap yang aku ni tak perlukan sapa sapa dalam hidup aku?

Siapa cakap aku ada sumber kekuatan dalam hidup aku? Siapa?

Aku amat prone untuk membuat kesalahan, aku tak pernah nya perfect. Tapi aku berharap sangat-sangat, sebelum aku makin kritikal membuat salah, aku sedar apa salah aku. Aku cuma manusia biasa, aku perlukan orang lain jugak untuk hidup, ye ini shout out aku. Aku sedar sapa aku sekarang.

Aku tak kuat, malah amat lembik, seiring dengan keadaan masa yang memamah zaman.

Aku sering membuat kesilapan, aku alpa.

Aku buntu.

Siapa sekarang Saiful Aizat? Apa dah jadi dengan aku?

the boy who can just dream.

2011-02-18T22:38:00.003+08:00

title atas sepatutnya, the boy who always dream, but I just realised, I can only just dream. No, I actually can not dream. sigh.

anyway, today I was back at home. for just a night. I thought it will be a normal weekend for me. Nothing but food, internet, bed, movies and lazy sunny afternoon. But when I noticed mama is not around (again), I was like, "Shit, it's going to be suckier like this." Mama is at Kuching at this moment, and after that she'll be at Australia.

In all honesty, I'm not a mama boy. Neither does a papa boy. I'm not their greatest hope, I'm not exactly a son that parents will be proud saying to their friends. What I'm trying to say is,

I suck.

I'm just hanging on, trying my best to not further their sadness. Just be good, at least in front of them. At least don't let them feel hurt anymore.

I can say that my dad's favourite child is either my older neechan, or my younger neechan. My mom's will always be my niichan. That's how it always gonna be. It's not like I'm the black sheep of the family, I'm being hated and stuff, but they will always be favoured instead of me. I don't want to elaborate any further than this, so I guess I skip to the point of what happened today.

So what happened after that is, I just don't go outside of my room. I was blankly staring outside the window, I was staring at the opposite wall just in case I can see thru it.. just in case.

Basically, I'm doing nothing. I felt hurt, bored, sad, and annoyed. I was really, really upset.

Until, my dearest imouto, Aizati called. She wants me to pick her up at her school. I was like wtf. Oh, it's raining manng. Looks like my eyes cannot psychicly lift up the glass jar (the one I posted here) after I stare it for a while.

I was literally dragging my foot towards my car, only to realise I din bring my car key with me. And I asked for Kak Ngah's help to fetch the car key, shows how negative I was this evening.

So when I got back, I stuck in my room again, with nothing to do, again. I was googling Jason Mraz's live act when suddenly I decided to open my facebook, and saw Khirthanaa's. And out of the blue, Devan asked me to open my skype. As soon as I login, he invited me for a conversation, and he was with Khirthanaa. We voice chatted a bit, because Skype apparently, cannot do a video conference, I was like dang, such a turn off.

But then I asked them to install ooVoo, and we had a pretty awkward, cool, shitty and rubish conversation, but it was lovely. LOL.

everyone was getting hype about this vid conf

started to talk more bullshits..

and some weird stuff..

it was actually suppose to be Holy Shit-thanaa, but thanks to the owner of the name's punya reluctancy to do so, we have to satisfied with shitthanaa saje.

Rafique promised to online at 8, and this photo was taken at 8.15pm, where we are getting crappier every passing seconds. lol.

So this ends after I quitting for my Maghrib prayer and Isyak's, and mandi. After mandi a bit, I went downstairs, in the hunt for some things that can be eaten. I was basically starving, since afternoon, and Amal doesn't help me A BIT. sigh.

Downstairs I jumped into my dad, he's carrying a baldi full of water. It was weird, really. He explained he's in the middle of washing his beloved Mini Cooper S Checkmate Version which I WAS FUCKING ENVIOUS ABOUT, because he had some meeting early in the morning of Saturday. Oh, so I though it was kinda cool, my promised to my car that I'll wash her last week after 2 weeks of stormy seasons seems to be like a fairy tail story, so I quickly joined my dad.

At first I tried to help him here and there, but realising there was only one washing towel, I decided to wait until he finish one part of the car, I rinse it with water. This continue until he finished washing his car, and I continued on my car pulak.

We chatted a bit, talking about stuff. I never really know what to chat, really. It's been ages since last time we had a talk, or rather, time to talk. Look, my best passion is obviously football, but my dad left sports like, 20 years ago. And I don't want to talk about politics with him, he's damn twisted, more twisted than me I can say.

The only thing left we share in common was, CARS. It will always be CAR, nothing else. But still, it was going nowhere. I was really, really blur, and dumbfounded by the opportunity to actually have a conversation with him, and it's slipping awaaayyyyy. damn.

In the end, I just be happy with our 10 minutes talk, or rather, pauses. LOL. It was awkward for both of us, but I ran away with nothing but happiness and satisfied by the outcome. HAHAHA

Oh well. I feel like an idiot right now. At least I felt better, I can only expect for this to come by as, nothing else. It was up to my expectation.

Tak macam something else. Lain yang diharap, lain yang jadi. sigh.

Well, I can only just dream about it.

all night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep.

2011-02-16T13:46:00.004+08:00

My kancil is actually need to be repaired asap. Now, I don't know what happened. My radio just won't turn on, so does my digital clock inside the car. Figure it must be something to do about my car's battery, maybe the alternator is loosed, somehow.

And I think my suspension is a bye-bye. Pity to my friends, they have to felt the uneasiness when my car went through some hump and bump, and esp on a wavy road, like DUKE highway's.

Also my exhaust piping system need to be change, it is old enough, (15 years, whaddyu expect?) and it's rattling.

But the main problem I think was my engine block. Figure I have to change only the block, the outside. All the inside (piston, etc) is doing fine. This is because my car is emitting too much smoke, even when it's not moving. This happened because of my piston ring, is scratched (issit the right term? whatever.) or something, thus the process of piston shifting up and down like we all learnt during our school years happened not smooth enough.

This is usually the syndrome of an old car. I hate to admit it, yeah she is old. I still think that she is superb, she still taking care of me, eventhough it almost like she needed my attention, to fix something.. I guess. Like, that spin at AKLEH? I figured that it is actually some screw are loose when fixing the new tyres.

In all my honesty, I'd be lying if I do not want a new car. But deeeeeeep down inside, I don't want to lose this car. It was almost certain that I felt some attachment toward this car, a very, deep, attachment. I just can't imagine the day I let go of this car. Will anyone else treasure this car? Will they take good care of this car? Or

Will I can cope with the absence of the car? I mean, I know it sounds so, wrong. It's just a freaking car. But it's a freaking 16 years car! I mean, I was 5 when I first saw this car. And ever since, she was a part of my life. I slept inside her, I dreamt inside her, I cried inside her. She was almost like my other half. She's been there long enough to know MOST of me. Maybe much more than you guys knew me.

I end up rambling. Pft.

As I entered my room, it was very dull, and empty. Dark, and null. My roomate wasn't inside. Just one step inside my room, I felt my heart beats faster. Then, when I felt sweaty, on a very cold early morning, the only two words I can google inside my head was, 1, fuck. A few seconds after that, I felt blurry, quickly I realized what was going on and I spit the last word, ya Allah. And I don't know what else happened.

I opened my eyes and everything was still plain darkness. I felt weak, really, really weak. Now I know how weak my body is. Still, I wasn't feeling my body. I felt, dizzy and everything. It was horrible, terrible. It always feel terrible like this. After a few hours, I gave up my classes for today. I know I won't focus inside my class, heck, I don't know if I can walk or not.

I end up sleeping, yes, but with the help of the sleeping pill. At least I'm having my sleep again.

I feel bad skipping my class. HAHA.

Drops of Jupiter

2011-02-11T22:34:00.004+08:00

Setelah aku kecewa dengan hari semalam, lain pula ceritanya hari ini. Pagi tidak bermula dengan baik, aku agak kecewa dengan prestasi presentation kumpulan aku. Bagi aku, aku boleh buat lagi baik dari sedia ada, sebagai flash maker.

Petangnya pula, aku menerima satu kotak, yang memberi aku beribu-ribu lemon soalan. Berat, apa isinya? Kenapa sekarang? Dan macam-macam lagi.

Dan bila aku bukak kotak tu, aku, tiada reaksi. 5 minit mengusha je isi kotak tu. Baru ada rasa something. Rasa, sayu. sebak. Terharu.

Origami Crane yang dilipat satu per satu. Disertakan dengan frame gambar, dan surat. Cheesy, aku benci benda macam ni. Tapi bila aku dapat benda macam ni, aku rasa macam nak pecah.

First impression aku dengan hadiah aku ni, aku bukak-bukak rasa macam, semua crane ni nak terbang. Bodoh, kan? Sebab dia, melimpah. Banyak sangat I guess. Tapi entah, tak kira pulak. Eventhough I'm the kind of guy yang sangat kesah pasal nombor.

Setiap Crane tu bernota. Tak ada keje ke lipat kertas2 nota tu? Sanggup mengadaikan masa, lipat lipat beratus ratus kertas tu, menulis setiap kertas kecik tu dengan penuh tekun. gile. kalau aku tak hargai, macam mana?

Tapi, sebangang bangang aku pun, aku belajar dari kesilapan aku sendiri. Aku, bukak satu je crane tu, tu pun sebab dia dah terbongkang dalam kotak tu. Bacabaca, terus lemah semangat. Tak sanggup nak terus membuka yang lain.

Kalau bukak yang lain, apa lagi tinggal?

Nak lipat balik, haram aku tau pulak pasal origami ni.

Terima Kasih daun keladi. Aku, aku terkesima. Aku tak terkata. Aku, speechless, frankly, aku rasa macam orang sewel jap. Aku, berterima kasih. Aku takkan lupa. Hadiah paling, something buat aku.

Untuk orang macam aku, ini pun dah cukup untuk menyahgaramkan luka dekat hati aku. At least, I felt, better. Much, much, better.

This is something yang buat kita rasa worth it untuk stay here, and be strong.

Aku, masih tak terkata.

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah

2011-02-10T23:16:00.010+08:00

Amaran; ~~Wanita mengandung tak boleh tengok wayang ni, sebab wayang ni sumpah cuak gile~~ Segala yang berkaitan dengan post aku ni, fiksyen berdasarkan cerita nyata, segala kena mengena samada yang masih hidup ataupun yang telah tiada adalah secara kebetulan, dan siapa makan cili terasa pedasnya.

Setelah selesai menonton The Damned United, cerita yang berkaitan dengan salah satu rival yang paling aku benci dalam sejarah bolasepak Manchester United, iaitu Leeds, (ya, Leeds memang Damned.) aku gosok-gosok mata. Matahari mula memberi salam, burung-burung memulakan pekerjaan mereka, aku juga perlu begitu. Selesai menggosok gigi, aku mula merasakan bahawa aku ada suatu masalah. Tapi aku tidak endahkan, kerana aku tidak tahu akan nature sebenar masalah tersebut. Dan, malanglah aku kerana aku naif.

Selesai mengenakan jeans hitam lusuh, aku menghirup Orange Minute Maid kegemaran, dan melemparkan pandangan ke luar. Ah, ceria sungguh pagi ni. Menjanjikan seribu satu harapan. Semoga hari ini lebih baik dari semalam. Semalam.. interesting. Hari ini, tolonglah, aku perlukan suatu konsistensi. Pagi yang indah selalunya menandakan hari yang cemerlang gemilang bukan temberang.

Jangkaan aku bakal meleset, tapi terdapat kebenaran sedikit di situ. Kalau pagi ini merupakan pagi yang baik, sudah tentu penamat hari ini sangat baik. Awalnya pagi itu memang baik. Tapi, semua berubah tatkala aku membuka almari ajaib aku. Ajaib, kerana, makin berkurangan isinya tiap hari, mulai Isnin. Pagi ini, aku melihat almari yang kosong. Kosong dengan baju berkolar. Ah, sweater ada. Ada apa hal? Lalu aku menoleh ke arah kerusi. Baru aku sedar yang, sweater aku telah dengan murah hati aku pinjamkan kepada teman.

Mampos.

Jam 3 ringgit ikea ku menunjukkan jam 8.45. Amaran awal dari si Ustaz yang mengajar subjek Tassawur melemahkan lutut aku bukan atas sebab yang peribadi, tetapi sebab natural. Gelabah sudah, aku mencapai baju t-shirt putih aku, lalu aku teringat solusi yang tidak menggunakan duit minyak aku untuk membayar kesilapan bodoh aku, saman. Solusi yang jangka pendek. Pendek macam akal aku ketika itu. Ah, sapa suruh lu tinggal mat. Aku sebat saja tinggalan abang aku itu.

Itulah titik perubahan hari aku.

Sampai sahaja di tingkat bawah, aku mendapat message. Terperasan sudah lewat yg amat, dan baru terperasan bahawa aku tertinggal kunci kereta. Bergegas ke arah bas UTM, lalu mengetuk pintu bas tersebut, mengucapkan ayat harus untuk membolehkan aku masuk bas.

"Bang, tolonglah, saya dah lambat ni, saya sanggup bayar triple bang!"

Gurau. Aku tak lah cakap camtu, tapi aku sanggup cakap camtu. Semangat nak pegi lecture punya pasal.

Dalam bas aku mula perasan mata-mata mula mengerling ke arah aku. Eh, apa hal? Aku.. tak zip seluar ke? Check jap. Okay je. Lalu aku mengalihkan pandangan ke luar, menghiraukan mereka yang ku tak ambil peduli.

"Saiful you looked different today", tegur Aqeela, sebaik tepat lagu Fever habis berkumandang.

"I know."

"Why you pulled up your zip all the way?" tegur Aqeela lagi, zip jacket aku, bukan zip seluar aku.

"Because I felt weird."

---

"Fuyo sepul, gile rempit sial kau dressing"

STABBED. Baru aku sedar. Baru aku perasan. Aku pakai cam Farid Kamil seyh! Gile ah. Eh jap apa aku buat ni. Maksud aku, aku berasa terkilan kerana lambat perasan dressing aku ala rempit. Ah, sorang dua je perasan. Takpe.

---

"Sepul, apasal kau minum oren?"

"Huh?" Buang tebiat ape Fazlan ni. Tibe-tibe je. Minum oren pun pelik ke?

"Bukan, maksud aku, rempit bukan paw member lain je ke?"

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---- ini dah kasar. Ah, tak boleh jadi. Aku kena buat sesuatu. Ku toleh kiri, kanan. Peh, semua stok minum air langit je, aku nak paw ape? Air aku lagi hot dari diorang! Lalu aku cuba satu lagi pendekatan, "Follow the flow"

"Der, wa nak paw lu punya air boleh der?" Selamba aku mintak air burn. Pergh, ala rempit sejati siak.

Malangnya, usaha aku disambut dengan deraian hilai tawa member aku yang bernama Aldo Conrad ni. Serta di sorak sorai oleh Nazrul dan Fazlan. Wah sudah. Memang hari aku kena apa?

"Kau tak payah la, rempit kau fel gila. bunyi comel gila, kahkahkahkah" Bunyi gelak sitkom tu menghantui aku. Impian aku nak jadi sekayu Farid Kamil mula tinggal angan-angan mat jenin. Maka kami semua ke PSZ selesai ~~melihat rakan ku Hazwan berlari mengejar bas keliling UTM~~ menjamu selera di Selera Kampus.

---

Dengan penuh azam iltizam aku menghentak-hentak keyboard ala Hang Keyboard pahlawan keyboard zaman meleis kuala lumpur instead of zaman melayu melaka. Aku mula bermain dengan api; status updated.

"ye ah wa rempit ah arini. lu orang buat bising ada apa hal?" dengan harapan, semua akan terpegun, dan mula menghormati dressing Farid Kamil aku. Tapi, tak sampai 2 minit pun, orang pertama dah like status aku.

Fakta Nombor.

2 - Minit yang diperlukan untuk seseorang mula like comment aku.

15 - Minit yang boleh tahan hell mula menjenguh status aku, apabila

4 - orang pertama cuba menganjing aku.

20 - Minit pertama sebanyak 38 comment mendoggie aku

10 - Baki comment adalah usaha aku untuk mendoggie orang lain.

sebanyak 2 comment cubaan untuk mendoggie diteruskan kemudian.

dan 1 helai jaket hitam telah disumbat dalam almari ajaib berkuatkuasa serta merta setelah aku menjejakkan kaki ke dalam bilik aku.

and the rest is like they all said. IS HISTORY.

solitaire

2011-02-08T23:55:00.002+08:00

"Jum derma darah"

"Jum, taleh miss ni. Boleh jadi rutin setiap tahun"

"Setiap tahun?"

"Dari form 5, plkn, smpai tahun ni"

"Well good for ya."

"Dik derma darah?"

"Ye"

"Ade kad?"

"Er, tak bawak."

"Oh, em, adik demam, selsema, batuk?"

"Tak, saya sihat dan kuat sejahtera"

"Tidur cukup?"

"...."

---

Kali ni, aku dah melampaui batas. Aku dah tak tahan.

Aku dah tak sanggup.

Everything starts to come back at me.

Aku dah tak kisah.

Mana-mana pun.

Macam mana aku boleh tak perasan mE ada sekali? Kan kau kena dragged.

Padan muka.

Aku.. mintak maaf.

Mana-mana pun boleh.

Stesen minyak pun boleh.

Aku rasa lemah je lutut.

Bukan sebab faktor semulajadi seorang lelaki.

Tapi sebab aku rasa lemah satu badan.

Aku dah tak tahan.

Stesen minyak pun boleh.

Dengan kereta lalu lalang.

Menghentak-hentak kepala

harapan, menghilangkan semua igauan.

menumbuk-numbuk lantai,

menahan rasa sedih dan bersalah

sampai berdarah

sekeliling aku lihat bagai kaca nak pecah

pecah,

bersepah,

berderai.

aku tak kuat pun.

kenapa

aku tak mintak pun.

kenapa

mustahil gila

kenapa

orang lain tak rasa sikit pun apa aku rasa

kenapa

orang tamak selalu rugi.

padan muka kau, tak pandai hargai

sekarang baru tercari-cari

lupa harga diri.

peduli apa

kau.

kau kesah apa.

drama aku, satu je watak.

aku.

protagonis, kehidupan aku.

antagonis, aku.

mangsa keadaan, aku.

terima kasih.

sama-sama.

Solitaire

There was a man, a lonely man,

who lost his love through his indifference.

A heart that cared, that went unshared,

until it died within his silence.

And Solitaire's the only game in town,

and every road that takes him down.

And by himself, it's easy to pretend,

he'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game,

without her love it always ends the same.

While life goes on around him everywhere,

he's playing Solitaire.

A little hope goes up in smoke,

just how it goes, goes without saying.

There was a man, a lonely man,

who would command the hand he's playing.

And Solitaire's the only game in town,

and every road that takes him down.

And by himself, it's easy to pretend,

he'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game,

without her love it always ends the same.

While life goes on around him everywhere,

he's playing Solitaire.

*siapa kau

2011-02-08T23:34:00.002+08:00

mana kau?

kenapa kau tiada?

kenapa kau pergi?

kenapa kau ada, dan tiada?

kau ada, kan?

kalau ada, kejutkan aku!

walau apa sekali kau, aku tau kau tak wujud

personafikasi, mimpi,

siapa kau?

aku?

mimpi, igauan?

hahahaha

angan-angan?

BODOH!

khayalan?

Jahil!

..atau..

HAHAHAHAHA

personafikasi? khayalan? mimpi? qarin?

qarin - teman, rakan (pendamping manusia)

"Dia seperti menjadi kembar manusia dan kerana itulah qarin boleh memberitahu perkara lampau mengenai seseorang."

"Tidak semua mimpi kita yang didatangi oleh roh orang yang telah mati ialah roh tersebut, kadangkala qarin itu boleh menjelma dalam mimpi dengan menyerupai orang yang telah mati."

qarin, personafikasi, khayalan, atau... memori?

*touch me, when we're dancing.

2011-02-07T19:03:00.005+08:00

"Play us a song we can slow dance

On we wanna hold each other

Play us a groove so we hardly move

Just let our hearts be together"

*sebut nama*

oh, hai

hai!

hm? hm je? kenapa ni?

takde ape.

ok ok, soalan poyo. how are youuuuu?

not goooooooooooooooooooooooood.

ish.

ape ish ish.

apesal not good?

hm, entah le

entah?

malas nak cerite. panjang beno.

ah pemalas!

eh biaw le.

wek.

....

nak tidur dah ke?

boleh pulak tidur.

tak boleh lagi?

em, not yet. perhaps later..

perhaps?

oh ya

yes?

kenapa suka lagu ni?

hm, hahahaha

eh gelak pulak. gile?

eh tuduh saye gile pulak. die tu?

hah. asal gile?

ni, tak gile?

HAHAHAHA

gelak, gelak.

hah, jawab lah

oh, emmm. susah lah nak explain.

ler, cakap le sbb awak suke carpenter ke, sbb awak suke dengar lagu lama ke,

bukan, hmm.

habis?

sebab.. lirik dia. and their music. and her voice.

sama dengan, awak suka carpenter lah kann?

well sort of

pft

what pft?

kan senang?

em!

lagu ni cheesy.

hahahaha, lebih kurang.

I kinda hate it.

huhhhh? Why????

like I said, it's kinda cheesy.

habis tu, awak suka lagu macam apa?

hahaha, awak tau kan..

yelah, minat le sangat lagu-lagu gloomy, nirvana lah ape lah, eeee. emo boy. booo.

what the.. eh, you don't booo other people's opinion kay?

oh now what, I have to follow you're rules?

yea!

Hmph! It's not like there's any rule anyways

Ade, the unspoken oneeee.

ahh, sentiasa ada je.

*sebut nama*

yes?

I missed you.

...omaigod.

Awat?

oh, my god! You've changed!

I changed? Can I lol?

Yes you can, pegi lahh.

taknak.

hee.

kenapa?

suka.

huh?

takde ape lah. missed you too.

em..

do you still want me to keep you company till early?

yea, boleh?

well, it's not like I have anything to do..

hahahha, ha'ah kan.

I know, you are devastated right now

But like you always said, this is life. Life won't get much easier.

Hahaha, how I missed the optimistic me.

You are optimistic!

Yea, back then, when I was naive!

You're not naive..

I am, that's why I'm here, that's why I'm like this, I was fucking stupid to be such positive, I should see all of this

But what happened..

I was optimist, because I.. I don't want to --

I know, that's why I gather all my strength too..

I, I..

You know, you are the reason I became stronger

Well I want a reason for me to be strong too

You don't have too, you are strong

I'm not..

*hug*

You are so cold..

Kan? There's no warmness dah.

But I can feel it, somehow

Lies! Haha!

Heh, tak caya sudah.

Say, why don't you opened up your media player?

Media player?

Winamp lahh. Tau la suka pakai winamp.

Winamp? Tak main lah! Songbird hokey.

Like hell I knew about all this new softwares!

Hahaha. So?

Oh, pasang lah Carpenters.

Hm? Nak lagu dia lah tuu.

Habis, nak pasang lagu apa?

"This Masquerade".

Eh, you tau pulak?

Eh of course, I'm their number 1 fan kan?

Booo! Bila masa pulak.

Hehehe. entah.

God how I miss this song

Hee. Thanks.

For?

Everything. Now. Then.

Nope, thanks to you.

Me?

Yelah, mutual. You're the reason I am right now, and you're thanking me? I should be thanking you!

Haha, yelah-yelah, kalau nak argue cepat je die

Eleh padahal dia yang suka argue.

Manade! I've changed!

You're not!

I do!

Hish

...

"We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way"

...

"We're lost inside this lonely game we play"

Eh? Haha, terus.

"Thoughts of leaving disappear, each time i see your eyes..

And no matter how hard i try to understand the reasons..

Why we carry on this way.. We're lost in this masquerade.."

Take care..

rainy days and mondays.

2011-02-07T19:01:00.000+08:00

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like I don't belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
It's nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me

What I feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me

Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Hanging By a Moment

2011-02-05T14:06:00.001+08:00

So as usual, after finish reading the slides, again, I lay down at my bed, staring at the ceiling, staring at the unmoving blades of the fan. I had no idea what time is it. Really. These past few days are just plain stupid, sucks and undeniably fucked up. The weather doesn't help at all. And, I am really bored. Fucking bored, stupid and sad. All of this, caused by nothing. And I can't sleep.

Grabbed my Torch (yes, I have a f-ing torch!), sms-ed Bob and Rafique. Asked them wheter they're free. I just wanted to go out. I just, want to release all these negetive feelings. To them is all I can hope, and the result usually unsatisfying. Rafique declined to go, but Bob agreed. Well, at least you have someone kan instead of nothing. Abang volunteered to drive, I sat at the back, and Bob in front. We just, went randomly. Of course, our first idea was to go to CC, like we always end up if we go on a night outing together. Play a few games of dotA, hoN, and CS, had fun like a teenagers again. Bob recalled on how things have changed. And it's been forever since we play games like we did today. CS especially, Bob is getting better, much much better. I'm getting rusty, but at least my machine-gun is far more accurate than I used to. We screamed like little boys, and yelled at each other. It was funny, it was something, different. It came out sincerely. What we really are. We're just fucked up in this life as an early adult, Bob is working, me and my bro with university stuff and all, with Abang's love life, Bob's too, and some teenagers issues, it's been a while since we really don't think of it.

It was 4 something, when we are back inside the Spectra. I sat, at first. Then I lay down. Abang tuned into Mix FM, and Lifehouse's Hanging by a moment was playing. I was so psyched, because I totally forgot about this song.

Remembered how I used to enjoy listening to Hitz FM at 2, 3 am, while sitting at the roof, or lying, perhaps the better word. Listening to The Reason, My Sacrifice, Hanging by a Moment, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, etc, looking up the stars. After that comes Usher's Burn. Man, I actually kinda dislike this song, but somehow now, I missed it, and I sang along. HAHA. Then Bob followed, but Abang didn't. He din know much about songs. Think you should, let it burrnnnnn. After the song ends, Bob uses his N8, and whatever method he use, he synched with our radio frequency, and we listen to his songs inside his N8. He played OMG at first, as a followed up for that Burn. Then he switched into some Malay songs. Saleem's, if I'm not mistaken. We sang, we screamed. And then, the worst possible scenario happened. Next song was inside Bob's playlist is Lefthanded's Tiada Lagi Kidung Mu. I know most of the lyrics. Because I became attached to this song few years back. We sang along again, loudly. During the chorus, "tiada lagi, ku dengar kidung mu, tiada lagi derai tawa mu," I was basically singing loudly, and crying unnoticeably. I was devestated, really. It was almost like without any reason, everything is coming back at me. I felt the sadness, the emptiness, the void, the darkness. The negativity.

I don't remember when we arrived at Bob's house, I was too lazy to sit in front. So I just, lying at the back seat, staring at nothing, and finally turned my head upward, towards the window. I can clearly see the sky, it was clear, and full of stars.

And I'm back at my house again, waiting patiently what will happen tomorrow, the day after that, and so on.

I'm So Tired, I Can't Sleep. I'm A Liar, And A Thief.

2011-01-28T01:53:00.004+08:00

I guess I really into monochrome colours right now. A 'friend' of mine noticed this a lot, or maybe, I just happens to dress up like that in front of him. I mean, I did have a new red shirt, an olive Airplane Systm t-shirt, both bought from Dolls Store, a green checkered shirt, I mean, those are something, right? I'm not the kind of guy yang always up-to-date with fashions. I don't buy shirt/t-shirt every month. Heck, I usually buy A T-SHIRT every 6 months. Nice, right? So I think I did one hella good job there.

But this fella here, suddenly he said something like,

"No offense but, I found it hard to unnoticed myself that you always wore black or grey nowadays. It's a bit booohring, 'noe what I mean?"

=_=X

It pissed me, yeah it did. When I bought a red t-shirt, my mom will bug me with

"Merah lagi, Aizat bukan banyak baju merah dah ka?"

Yes, mama. Red Jerseyssss. Manchester United jersey, duhhh. Of course it will be red. Okay so this dude, with his hati kering punya ayat, saying like that, I was literally stabbed. I mean wtf. Okay maybe I did wore a couple of times, a black shirt, a black t-shirt, grey jeans, when I sees him, but maybe I did not wear other colours. That makes me kinda wondering, is my wardrobe contains no variety? I tried, to be varies but well, I just don't like buying clothes! I hate shopping. I mean, woman's definition of shopping. Okay maybe some guy's punya pun. Those yang claimed their metrosexual, and they are always up to date. I mean, oh come on. Shopping means, something you will use, for something goood! Example, food. Uh not really a good example. Okay, maybe computer stuffs. Laptops. CARS. Well yeah it's kinda expensive but.. ._.

I wore this black shirt today because I have this AGM meeting. Actually I'm not involved at all, I just came for the lul. I heard my fellow juniors is going to bash the MTs and all, so I came just for the sake of trolling. It's fun y'know. Trolling.

Well it did not really goes the way I imagined it will be. Thank god. If not, surely there will be cold war between 3rd year students and 2nd year hahah. Those hot questions they suppose to fire at the MTs are derivatively not hot enough. I mean, it lacks spice. Surely you have the chillis, but certainly, it ain't hot enough. I was expecting mooooaaarrr trolling from you guys demmit. Because I want to take part toooooo. Hnnghh. So questions after questions being thrown at the MTs, and with the President blabing whatever he craps, I gave up halfway. And my halfway is not like half, way. It's halfway. I mean, I did hold back, A LOT. Because well y'see, I don't want to stand out the most. Mencapub pulak orang panggil. But I reallllllyyyy want to bash those MTs, but I can't. So I did my, halfway best.

And yang tak best nya, I'm the one yang kena bully balik. WTF DD! I certainly did not throw that question to you, but you just happens to answer it, but why with,

"Terima kasih adik yang menanyakan soalan tadi.." T___T

I was on the verge of OTL - ing T_T

Oh well. Yeah I like to bully people around. Bullying is awesome. Not that hard, is just a friendly bullying I guess. I hope I didn't passed the limit. I bullied people because it's fun. And I quote @burnst3in ,

"aku mmg suke membahan org. membahan org adelah salah satu cara utk menghilangkan stress"

I couldn't agree less.

So my sincere apology to all my fellow people yang think I bullied them, especially you, mE. No offense, really. I just did that for the lol, and to relieved my stress, and depression. Such a great tool you are. I mean, slave. I mean, oh wai--

Today I bring my Ikea pillow. Wee. Fun fact, I never really sleep on this pillow. I mean I rarely sleep, of course LOL. But I'm not using it as my pillow. Because it was soooo fluffy and airy, and bubbly, and all of those cute words you can put it there, I don't really think I can sleep on it. So I misused it as my bantal peluk. HAHA. Don't worry, it's my moolah, so I have all the rights to do so.

I hope tonight is going to be just, calmly okay. Calmly, yeah I guess. Gosh sometimes I miss the noises. Really.

Blogging in handphone, sucks. I hope this is the last one.

catharsis.

2011-01-21T09:06:00.003+08:00

I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Pain, pain
Pain, you know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right

I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let's talk about someone else
The stinging soon begins to melt

Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew to come like this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Pain, pain
Pain, pain
Pain,

You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
Paaaaaainnnnn.

fiber optic (illusion)

2011-01-19T19:53:00.003+08:00

finally I have someone to look upon after a long tiring search.

it's not an easy journey, yes, I was very close to giving up.

I.. am motivated again. At least until this final semester.

I'll try my best. Hoping to get the best out of my life.

medulla oblongata

2011-01-18T12:09:00.005+08:00

dah lah.
in the end, aku jugak yang salah. aku sentiasa the guilty half of the fault.
and I will always be. It's just the way I'm recognized with.

Autopilot/Sappy

2011-01-16T19:49:00.008+08:00

"Balik dulu eh Mama?"

"Jaga sikit tidoq tu. Makin teruk tengok raut muka tu. Ubat tu, guna nya untuk makan."

"...."

"Hangpa la yang kena hantaq Mama pi kuboq, bukan Mama yang nak kena hantaq hangpa dulu. Jadi take care of your health."

"..Baik, Mama"

"Live to the fact, feeling regret, guilty,

Words won't comfort you.

Even Pendaflour didn't light me the way,

Seems like I don't really have much choice."

So I was sitting in this, room.

It's a beige wall, with a rectangular window at my right side.

Was sitting on a chair, with head on the table, facing the window

Looking outside.

Looking at the blue sky, white cloud, grey buildings of a city.

I raised my head suddenly,

and saw that person looking at me

smiling.

almost feels like, she's waiting for me to wake up

to see her,

looking at me

I realized, she was there for a long time

staring at me.

As I gazed into her eyes,

Almost against my will,

I started to flash back print-screen like memories

it was a lot,

it was painfully pain,

it was delightful,

it was memorable,

it was gay,

but it was sad

all at the same time

The flashes continue, without my willingness,

Deliberately between those .5 sec flashes, I see her face again,

Again, another flash

Again, her smile

Again, another agony,

Again, her warmness.

and again, and again.

Continues, as if you watches all your live since day 500, till day 1000

in a matter of minutes.

Every moment, picture-like taken,

Every moment, without fail.

And again, and again, and again.

Until one moment, your soul finally, and suddenly pulled back into your body,

the body, felt a sudden shock

rocked the body, like a thunderbolt.

your eyes open widely,

searching for a clue

searching for something,

that explains, everything

only to find nothing,

and you, there, alone.

painfully, heavily breathing,

all sweating, hands shaking

fear, guilt, all come over

you.. feel horrible.

slowly walked through the darkness,

dragged feet down the stairs,

and upstairs,

throwing your glance outside the window,

only to feel jealous of everyone,

of, nothing.

and to recall what really happened,

only to feel horrible, sad,

and,

pain.

-autopilot/sappy-

Saiful Aizat

2011-01-12T00:03:00.002+08:00

Saiful Aizat;

Pedang Kekuatan

Saya sebenarnya sangat berbangga dengan nama ini. Dan menjadi tuan punya, rasa sangat hebat.

Not anymore. I don't think I really represent the true meaning of this name. x)

naive, sick chasm

2011-01-06T16:09:00.004+08:00

ho yeah, after a berry very long time of no sleep, guess what? I slept!

Finally. hohoho!

well anyway.

how do I sleep? after some frustrating days and uneventful but remarkably alone days, I finally decide to make appointment with my dear Lunesta. This is a decision that I took a berry very long time to make, considering allll options available,

sadly, I have none.

and sadly, yes, I'm halfway giving up this sad life. sad.

kidding. HAHAHA

so I fell asleep. I mean, I felt, asleep. no, I fell, as in jatuh, asleep. gah whatever.

and I woke up at this one beautiful but old building.

the landscape, the bricks, it is very nostalgic, somehow I get that kind of feeling.

and I turn around, I saw a guy, standing, looking at me.

so I nodded my head as in asking permission to continue my adventure,

and he says, of course, that's why you're here.

I was fucking pleased! hahaha.

I end up somewhere like a hall, an open place, in the middle of the building.

there's some Bali trees and all.

and I saw a photograph frame

I grabbed it, and I looked at it,

and, REMEMBERED.

idk if I slipped, or it was just on purpose,

but the frame fell and crack, I felt terrible.

took it and place it inside my jacket,

as that man approach me, I, kinda getting away from him, and I grabbed a flower

and dropped it

"Sir, is this it?"

"Yeah, the flower. Take it. That's all I can find here."

*looks puzzled*"Uh, okay."

"Oh, and that basket over there, contains some letter, you might want to check it out."

"kay, that's more like it"

"What's more like it?"

"Er, nothing sir"

So I sat there a bit, there's this couple wedding.

The groom is apparently that bodyguard looking man,

Well lets call him Mr A, yang took the flower tadi kan?

And the bride was gorgeous.

wearing the white dress, I saw them running

So I gave them a chase, and catching up them is not just me,

some bad guy looking people are on my back

no wonder their running lol

STOP!

"Give me someone who will stop when he's been chasing by gangsters!"

I lol a bit srysly.

So the couple end up at the end of the tunnel, dead end.

And I just notice I have some friends besides me, LOL

And as this will turn into an epic fight between the groom's side,

vs apparently the bride side,

I shouted,

"Now, the groom shall kiss the bride"

and all of us stood still, stopped moving, watched the couple

and they kissed.

and then, run. LOLOLOL

and the gangsters continue chasing.

I glanced outside, I saw someone, in white dress, opened up her arms,

with her silky hair blown by the wind,

"Dah lah tu.."

"Ha?"

I stopped running. I sat down. Alone.

It's getting late, it's getting dark here.

And I turn my head uphill, saw a mansion, a huge one,

Climb the hill, nearing the main gate, me and my friends was shocked by the big yapping of dogs

hungrily, looking at us, and started to bark.

so we kinda detour a bit, and using a building staircase to get inside,

when, funnily, at the midway of the staircase, the couple is just beside a door,

that will be the end of the chase,

and the gangsters are all around them,

so again, I shouted.

"I would like to make a toast, for this remarkable wedding",

grabbing a glass of wine out of nowhere,

and going through the gangsters,

finally we, are the only wall, between us, the couple.

and everyone looking at me

including the couple

and everyone waited for my action

and I grinned.

"Well, looks like this is it eh kid?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever"

"Dieeeeee!" As one of the gangsters jumped toward me, suddenly,

I felt a force pulling me out of the fight, as I prepare to punch him straight at the face HAHA

and, well, I was outside the fight!

and they started to rumble, rumble

wooow, bahaya ni kalau tertolak aku, jatuh tangga ni.

and then, a big guy exclaimed,

"Aim abang Aizat dulu!"

Huh?

"Became a coward he has!"

WTF!!!!???

"He's not what he once was before!"

I trampled someone when I tried to reach that guy, who is, at least 5 cm taller than me swt

And I punched him, to his surprise, not me hahaha.

and his, stunned!

"aku lari dari gaduh doesn't mean aku takut, aku pilih untuk tak"

I exclaimed that, while catching his punch, and counter it back,

a punch that is surely will be remembered. because it took out him, and most of his blood.

and continue my rage on him,

punching, kicking, with all his punch toward me, all the pain, I don't really feel,

and the last punch, rolled him downstairs,

I grabbed his neck,

"You forced me to do this!"

"You have to be forced!!"

I punched him, and he rolls, and sampai at the end of the stair.

"Aku dah cakap, jangan,"

"Saya tau,"

"Hish. Sudahlah. takyah lah gaduh2. ingat orang yang sayang kau. suka pulak diorang tengok bruises kau ni?"

"Baru manly bang"

"Karut! Kau bagi diorang susah hati lagi adalah. "

"Betul tu, tau pun awak."

"huh?"

as I turned around, searching for the voice, I couldn't find one.

and I looked at that boy, I can't find anyone.

and, it's raining again.

And, I started to feel the pain, that is replacing the adrenalin.

and, she sat next to me, smiling

I just looked at her, crying.

"Where were you"

"Always with you"

wipe my tears, looked at her again,

and I saw nothing, no one.

and I look forward, there's nothing, but this heavily poured rain.

..mana..?

I give up. I just, lie down, and feels terrible, as this rain continue pouring on me

and I woke up.

and I write this post.

and I laughed at myself.

how stupid this post really are.

--chrome.
Never been to a place like here,

Never seen it anywhere,

Very eager,

I wonder,

Well anyway,

I guess I wasn't needed here.

Since its new it has no tangles,

Isolations have no flower,

Very near I scower,

But anyway,

I guess I wasn't needed here.

chiao.

late dawn.

2011-01-04T08:03:00.004+08:00

...langsir menari-nari atas muka. terasa cahaya di atas mata, serentak bunyi burung-burung bersahutan. dingin pagi ini semacam, sejuk, dan perit. aku terpana lama. melihat kipas bergerak perlahan-lahan, berpusing bagaikan tiada penamat.

langsir terus menari-nari di atas muka aku. terasa hangat pula di tepi batang hidung. terasa lembab sahaja.

meriah betul burung-burung belakang rumah ni. aku masih lagi begitu,

beku di situ,

cuma aku belum lagi sejuk kaku,

dan tersenyum, di sebalik air mata yang terjatuh

ah, mimpi lagi. kenapa semua benda bagaikan benar? realiti? fantasi? mimpi? virtual? mana satu? kenapa sampai sekarang aku boleh rasa, kehangatan? kenapa, sampai sekarang, aku rasa bagai, semua itu benar?

Ya Allah.

kenapa bila waktu-waktu begini sahaja datang benda-benda macam ni? untuk menggelirukan aku lagi? untuk menambah derita, untuk menguji aku? waima, sebagai perangsang semangat? ahhh aku tak tau.

aku dah tak tau, aku memang dah tak tau. tabahkan lah hati.

sekarang, apa lagi aku boleh buat.? aku mengalah, aku tak cukup kuat. aku, give way.

lagi.

tapi at least, aku tak lah sedih berbanding realiti. nak berlari ke mimpi.

ah, berdiri lah. di bumi yang nyata. sedarlah, dah terlambat.

"morning sunshine!" tiap pagi. dan "aku kuat," setiap ketika.

entri pagi yang tah hape hape.

Fibres

2010-12-28T19:03:00.002+08:00

Honestly, there's a lot of positive things to say. A lot. But hell, idk how, but, somehow, I just, didn't post them into this blog. Semua jadi draft, only to be deleted later.

Bila kita rasa life is now finally began to be on your side, until you realized how much that tiny ray of light is just.. a false hope.

Life is really, a bummer.

And kids, remember, to always listen to your doctor, don't skip your breakfast, your lunch, your dinner, your supper, always eat meds, do whatever that fella in those white clothes told you to do so, cause it's always the best for you.

Or else, you'll end up regretting it. Yes, don't fuck with doctors. They can be scary as hell.

I mean, the consequences.

Anyway. I totally screwed up. And my daily life is going spiraling downward I guess. Days without sleep, I can set a new personal record I think if I keep it up to this pace.

I AM FUCKING JEALOUS TO THOSE THAT CAN SLEEP. YES.

It annoys me why I can't go to sleep. Naturally. Plastic sleep is a sleep just to rest your body, emotionally I feel I'm being cheated, the sleeping pills, it doesn't feel, natural at all.

I know I keep bugging about the same thing, again and again and again.

"Aku terjaga pukul 4 tadi doe, tu yang penat tu, takut tak leh mengaja je ni"

"Aku dapat tido pukul 3 tadi, sorry ah."

WTF? AT LEAST YOU GUYS GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP FOR FUCK SAKE.

Senang, get some sleep lah. Pegi baring dekat mana-mana, tutup mata. bla bla bla

Heh, easier said than done. Cubalah! Kalau kau kena insomnia baru kau tau la sial. Cakap memang lah senang. Kalau macam tu punya kacang, takde nye aku nak bising-bising.

Lari, pergi dekat Kancil. Where I can do whatever I want here. The place where respite are granted, place where I can be comforted, even with the slightest effort.

Tried to sleep, but to no avail. Even when your body shows sign of wearing out, but you still can't even take a nap, it annoys you, really. I was so fucking pissed, I felt like crying. Seriously, no joking. And I comfort myself, I can try later this evening, before going to see doctor.

But just when I get back at home, I got some text messages

"Aizat, kau jaga Duta Palms petang ni, dekat sana takde fasi"

"Huh? Important sangat ke? "

"Ala, bekap je la kitorang. Takde fasi dekat sane"

"Asal?"

"Aku dengan si K nak keluar jap, ade hal. Amzar tak balik lagi dari Subang"

This. WTF is this. Honestly speaking, this kind of last minutes arrangement really pissed me off, it is damn annoying you have to cancel all sorts of appointment just for the thing yang korang ada hal? Penting sangat ke woi, sampai takde time lain? Aku ada hal jugak lah sial.

Ah fuck. Sukahati lah. Aku dah redha dah. Dah tak larat nak fikir dah. Kalau nak jadi macam ni, so be it. Yes if you think I'm a spoilt brat yang nak bermanja, SO WHAT THE FUCK? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Aku dah tak larat tanggung sorang-sorang. Sakit sedih aku jugak, orang apa kesah. Fuck.

Thats when this blog and my kancil comes too. Thanks a lot. Gah. You don't know how awesome you are, blog, kancil. Even when I cursed at you, I rants a lot to you, you don't give a damn. You're just, being there for me. Thanks. Aih.

I felt like crying right now. And my body is aching, like hell.

Got to drive to Ampang now. That's all. Bye.

Ordinary feelings.

2010-12-28T16:57:00.004+08:00

Lucky you

Hello there, it's been a while.

I'm staring at this photograph, steady eyes, silent lies, distant..

I know you're on your own.

Is there science in this streak of losing?

Lucky you, always confused and perfect

Taking a stand, forget who asked;

"Are you listening?"

I know you're on your own..

Is there science in this streak of losing

Every star, have been called back to work it out

Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart

I see you there, I see you everywhere, drifting

I have a heart, but forget you knew that,

Just breath in, and pretend,

Every star, have been called back to work it out

Before we start, I've been programmed to break apart

To mend your heart?

Your words are poison.

I'll drown every night,

In every moment that you could never hide, before I..

Before I..

Drown, drown every night,

In every moment that you could never hide, before I..

Before I..

Work it out, I'm worded out,

Words are poison

Your words are poison.

December

So long, we’re leaving December
I’ve learned to breathe underwater
What’s that? Forgiveness?
I have given enough

Slow down, it’s been years since the panic
I’ve twisted a vein to keep the toxins in
What’s next? Reasons?

I have given you mine
I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…
....

I promise that we’ll fight again in the new year
Lights out as we return to our darkest fears
So what now? Confusion?
I can’t live in the past

I have given you more than your birthright ever
I have given you up…
....

I'll fall back, and catch my breath
Your precious perfect verse, stopped making sense
Forget everything, forget how I made you bleed

I’m nervous and wasted
Stop there, I’m naked
I have given you love to another hand
I have given you up

Enough of this faking
Stop and I’ll let you leave
Oh precious virgins, outside every night
I'll be fine

Right?

--higher

2010-12-26T01:01:00.003+08:00

Can you take, me higher?

Sengih sumbing. Macam kerang busuk. Aih, bukan main gembira lagi hati dia. Itulah, dah agak. Mesti dia akan bagi restu, mesti dia akan gembira untuk aku. Aku gembira. Akhirnya, impian aku tercapai. Yang aku rancang sejak aku, aku, boleh ingat. Ya, selama itu. Sejak aku hingusan.

"Pergi Warsaw jangan gedik dengan European woman okay?" Pesan dia

"Er.." Lama sikit dia memikirkan jawapan. Saja. Sambil tease, sambil tunggu reaksi. Dan,

"Amran!"

"Tengok laaah." Sambil tersengih.

"Tengok tu."

"Haih, tak sanggup nak tengok perempuan lain punnn."

Keadaan sunyi. Awkward silence. Ah sudah, otak, cepat fungsi! Aku tak suka ucap benda-benda jiwang camni! NOOOOO!

"..Thanks, bukan main susah awak nak puji," Ayat-ayat itu dimatikan di situ. Bukan aku taknak puji, aku.. Ish. Gila apa aku, tak bangga pula ada teman sebegini, indah? Pandai, kaya, sweet, dan hot di sebalik sopan-santun dia ni. Isk, memang macam mimpi. Kenapa lah perempuan ni nak jealous dengan perempuan lain yang, tak seberapa pun!

"Eh, mesti lah. Kalau dipuji nanti kembang. Payah!"

"Whatt? Isn't it better? It's you, you yang nak sangat badan yang berisi lah, baru ada hour-glass shape lah"

"Eh mana awak tau?"

"Eeeii!"

"...Thanks, you know this is a big moment for me."

"Yea, tinggalkan lah I dekat sini sorang-sorang"

"Mummy ada, daddy?"

"Ah diorang, kalau ada time pun ajak pegi golf! Are you out of your mind, itu bukan sports pun!"

"Right? Hahaha. Nanti kita tenis sama-sama lagi, and please, sayang. Beat me, fair and square"

"You'll see! I'll practice dekat club with Lily and Haz, and when you get back, you'll forfeit just 10 minutes into the game."

"Heh, mimpilah!"

"Menyesal drag you main tenis, tak tau lak you punya beginner's luck banyak gila"

"Righhhtt."

"Nanti.. I'll call you. Jangan tak angkat."

"Habis kalau tengah ada row-call ke, tengah class ke?"

"I don't care! Even if you sick like a dog, or in bed with Beyonce, angkat jugak! I call, you answer!"

"Yes ma'aaammm."

"Belum kahwin lagi!"

"Ye cik puan intan payunggg."

"Hee. Take care."

"You too, your health, penting."

"Em. Thanks."

"I'll go first."

"Mummy Daddy?"

"Dah jumpa tadi. Diorang cakap nak let you have all the time you need to send me off"

"Tak pun"

"Ha?"

"Tak dapat pun, all the time I need."

"Er."

"Dah, dah! Cepat, nanti lambat" Serentak ekspresi muka dia kembali senyum, bercahaya.

"Yelah. Take care. Bye!"

---

Dia masih melihat pesawat di luar cermin. Walaupun dia sedar, ada berpuluh pesawat di situ, entah yang mana pesawat dia. Dia cuma boleh melihat, mana tau, dia pun melihat.

Dan air mata yang disekat macam pili tadi, mula menunjukkan diri. Berlari turun ke pipi. Tidak diseka, dibiarkan sahaja. Matanya yang bercahaya, lesu. Penat tidak dapat tidur semalam, gelisah menunggu hari ini, mula menunjukkan kesannya.

Perlahan-lahan dirasakan bahunya dipegang. Di toleh kebelakang.

Mummy, daddy.

"Amar ha, dia cakap confirm-confirm you will cry, no?"

Dia cuma mengalihkan pandangan ke luar. Menahan sebak.

"I think my princess lagi kuat dari ni kan?" Si ibu pula menambah.

Air mata mula turun selaju-lajunya. Merah muka dia menahan sebak. Sabar je lah.

Well, this is the morning after all.

our lady of sorrows.

2010-12-12T20:11:00.002+08:00

It is sad to know that you are helpless. no, it's not sad, it's.. sucks. Eventhough his death doesn't involves me a bit, as a person, that actually understand that fella, and as a person, who should have notice this, and yet, still did not do a thing about it because of optimism, I felt devastated. Of course, I did understand this one thing, this one feeling. Of knowing it is too late to help them.

Well I can bet, most of you guys don't know what I'm talking about, yes?

Meet this person over here. His Alviss Kong. 22nd on 22nd of May this year. He used to work in Berjaya Times Square, he goes for clubbing, and often wears a trademark cute plaster on his face as a fashion statement. He committed suicide at midnight of Thursday by jumping off the 14th floor of Ketumbar Heights, Cheras, KL, after succumbing to emotional distress brought about by the breakup with his girlfriend.

He officially announced/started his relationship with his girlfriend on the 26th of July this year and the relationship lasted for only 4 months, which it ended early this month. This is second relationship, and he's just 22 fgs.

And, during his first breakup, he also tries to commit suicide, but saved in the nick of time. Unfortunately this time, is his death call.

This note was posted on his profile on Facebook.

i love u…i said it i meant it…i’ll love u till the moment i die

devil bin this is the way how i love,perhaps ppl will think it was crazy

i’ve never tried to put down my pride my dignity my ego-ness on my first ex…but u were totally diff,i put down my pride my dignity my every shit

just to beg u….but i failed…as always im just a failure in a relation

but that’s just me,i’ll only do the things which i think its worth…

will i became ur memory forever ? who knows..since u were already special when the first sight i saw u…

perhaps,u’ll just fucking laugh at me…i bet there’s plenty of ppl will laugh too =) but who cares ?

that’s just me…that’s the way i are….

the last thing

i do appreciate everything about us….u were the light in my life..u given me determination for my future…but everything is gone…i don’t blame u actually…

because ~ so just wish u’ll have ya happy life in d future

ILY & IMY ~ sorry that i couldn’t brings u to walk until the end of the day

P/S : Please do not blame her….Im the one who decided this..she’s just the one given me the motivation n courage…..to my FAMILY,please..i beg of u all,dont ever blame on her…

To her future BF : IF U DID ANYTHINGS THAT WOULD HURT HER..I FUCKING SWEAR I’LL FUCKING HAUNT U DOWN EVEN IM JUST A SPIRIT =) !

And, a countdown before he ended his own life.

Well, by the looks of his face, by the way he posted on the facebook before he jumped, you can tell what kind of fella he is right? Cheerful, happy, plus he got the look, he is cute, he is stylish.., heck, even when crying he still looks good! He got a lot of friends, and lots of people to talk to, but still,

He chooses to end his life.

This was his last photo, alive.

"first time i take a pic when i were crying..looks sucks...anyway thats the last pic of mine b4 i gg =)"

It is sad. Of course. Eventhough it is PLAIN STUPID, but I guess, we've been there. If not have been, we will be there. To those whos reading this post, please be reminded, it is the act of STUPIDITY and INSANITY, plus it is just SELFISH, covered with the word GIVING UP and so-called BRAVE to do that.

But of course, I understand how he'd feel. Well maybe not that deep but, at least we can only imagine.

He looked determined.

Anyway, what would you feel, if you actually have the opportunity to help those whos life are at their very end, but did not really notice it, until the very very end?

This news hit me hard, honestly. I know, but what the hell. I did feel sad.

You could help, if you did earlier. But, you didn't.

Then, you'll feel guilty. Hish.

To all people, for fuck sake, LIFE IS NOT YOURS TO TAKE AWAY. It is GOD'S. Shit always happens in life. Just be brave, be strong. Live! And you're supposedly appreciate life a bit more. And you'll succeed.

I guess. Well IDK. I'm just 20 LOL

People, just live on. Live the fucking fucked up life. You are the main character of your own storyline. Eventhough the mangaka did a fucked up job in getting your life weird and a bit shitty, they'll eventually develops into a very good story, trust me. Because.. I'm trusting that. :)

That's all, toasted for today. Nite peeps.

crumbs

2010-12-09T02:52:00.004+08:00

Finally back at home. Such a hectic week.

Went to Broga Hills with my friends. Those that went there is.. Adib, Aqeela, Adiba, Faiz, Firdaus, Hafiz, Nazri, Shamim, Syikin.. and bunch of ddc-ians.

broga, 7.28 a.m

Standing; Hafiz, Saiful, Shikin, Faiz/Burn

Sitting; Afuu, Nazri, Shamim

Afuu, Saiful Aizat, Shikin, Nazri

Faiz/Burn, Afuu, Shikin, Nazri

Adiba, Shamim, Hafiz

the reason why my feet still hurt till now.

And we then proceed to Sungai Congkak. Hafiz was in another car so.. he's not there with us. Went there instead of Sungai Gabai, because I pity Aqeela a lot. It's been such a long time she did an outdoor activity, and she's climbing Broga. So yeah. We went for Sungai Congkak.

shikin, shamim, afuu, me, faiz, aqeela, adib

Later that weekend, me with all my siblings, and most of my cousins went Melaka.

It was HELL. will update on another post.

Anyway. About my kancil. After quite a few time in and out the workshop, it is repaired. Well not fully. The piping for the muffler will be changed soon, is what papa planned. hm kay then. I really wanted to test drive the Kancil since Friday. For the note, I sent the Kancil to the workshop on Friday morning. Never got to test the Kancil evetho it is finished by 3 pm. Saturday onwards I drive a Persona to Melaka. Sampai lah Monday. So I missed Kancil, a LOT.

On Tuesday, supposedly kakak ask me to buy her stuff at Tesco, so it's a very good chance to test the Kancil. When suddenly, Mama nak pergi sekali. I felt so devastated, I felt like crying, srysly. That's how much I missed my Kancil.

Today only I drive her. I really, missed the rawness of that car. The small space, the steering, the seat, the noise, everything!

Well that's all for the update. For now. Later peeps.

rotten apple

2010-12-09T02:36:00.004+08:00

What happened to the music industry now, really? it's sad. for example here in Boleh land, I was pretty much excited when a certain lady whos name is Yunalis Zarai popped out and burst into the local scene in late 2006, and naively thinking that this will change our music industry.

But it didn't. Yet. Well maybe it's changing, but what I can see is people actually try to copy her instead do their own music. Damn!

Okay that's local. Internationally, well.

Sucks, too.

Justin Biebers, Rihannas, bunch of disco-techno-bound artist started to grow like mushrooms! Ew. And Miley is turning into Britney. Well done.

Honestly, I still can listen to Hip hop. But Techno? At least most of the rapper that I listen they talk about lives, if not their past w/e. Techno, disco music? All about clubbing, and so on. And they create music from, er, computers? I don't know bout you guys, but I don't prefer this kind of music making. I prefer listening to artist who create music from instruments, and singer sang, a song.

And the song, please let it sounds like song. Let it, rhythm.

Look Alive, Sunshine.

2010-11-29T19:37:00.004+08:00

okay, my NAN 14 is rolling again!

Ahh, damn, now I just proved that I can't be away with my kancil even for only a day ♥

I was practically being a sad person this 2 weeks.

Sebab well, she's not here that white kancil.

I send her for overhauling.

It's been a while since the last time she's been a workshop, for a check-up.

..More like I never had the time,

Or maybe I just don't want to send her away from me. T_T

But anyway, she's back yo.

And peeps in Bandar Country Homes are sooo not going to be happy with it. mfufufufu.

And old story, I need moolah!

I want to buy a deskie as soon as possible!

Getting sick playing PES 2011 in my lappie. So laggie. Damn.

Going to be away for a while after this, I think. Kerjaaa.

Moolah!

and some personal time with Kancil. Around KL, againnn. Hahaha.

Dah buat appointment with my Kancil.

I want to spend my time with her, just in case tak sempat lah kan. ;)

Again, just a small update. haha

kenapa?

2010-11-28T02:59:00.002+08:00

kenapa?
soalan macam ni selalu akan disusuli dengan alasan.
aku macam dah penat. asyik dengan alasan. lagi.
setiap kali keluar soalan kenapa, selalu keluar alasan.

mari kita tengok. my life is getting, interesting.
yeah. i guess so.
semua ni, salah aku. well, memang aku yang salah.
tak perlu lagi alasan.
aku cuba.

tolong lah aku. ya Allah. aku, tengah kuatkan diri aku.

ah, tak guna mengadu dekat sini.
tapi, dah passion aku menulis. who gives a fuck?
so yeah, taking inspiration from kak dora kita, I wanted to be ignored.
because I just felt, physically, and mentally, sick. tired.
I guess it'll be better if I stay like this for a while.
But it doesn't really matter kan? It's not like people really, care.
From what I saw, I felt, people, human, are always, tends to take care of others
esp their loves one.
but always, just on the surface. just a bit on the surface. then?
and yea, it's just one of many mistakes that human does kan?
nanti bila dah gaduh,
or maybe when it's already too late,
baru diorang perasan, kan?
but that makes diorang better. am I right? :)

my surrounding, people are, happy. I'm.. happy for them. yeah, really.
like Amal, I'm happy for her. She looks, happy, obviously lol.
seeing people happy, at least I felt, happy a bit, if not a lot.
maybe relief? kot. idk.

no worries, after this I can bet you guys who actually read my blog, it'll be a lot happier.
at least for a while lah. haha, I'll try my best.

no more excuse. I'll try my best untuk er, be more positive. I've done that before, surely I can, now. Of course.

hey you there. stop laughing at me. I know. I suck a lot kan? Haha. well really, I'll try my best to be happier than before. I don't suck. HAHA.

we'll see. aku nak. aku dah tak nak bagi alasan. redha? ye. semua salah aku. terima la akibat.

let's see. what's up with me now. looking for a job. cari makan. baju. PC. hurh.
and maybe I'll be taking law. HAHAHA. or Industrial Design for my degree.

tengoklah, umur panjang, sihat badan, tak selalu buat hal.

er, a small update je kot. banyak bebel. but what you guys think, I don't really care tho.

hey, better privatized this blog kan? I just write for the sake of, writing. Hmh. will consider it.

anyway, happy holiday peeps. have a blast holiday. wish me, happy too. C:

distraught

2010-11-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

"Aku tak nak"

Si Anak terduduk. Terkesima. Luluh hati. Aih, balasan, ingkar janji dengan si Ibu, yang mengandungkan dia sembilan bulan. Berat di bawa ke hulu ke hilir. Dapat anak macam si Anak ni pulak. Memang sakit hati dia. Panas je perut. Si Anak berfikir.

Memang salah aku. Balasan.

Meminta diri, dia berjalan, longlai.

Mengheret kaki menuju entah ke mana, meredah kegelapan malam.

Kelihatan langit selang sekejap cerah. Ah, tanda.

Setelah jauh melangkah, dia terduduk di perhentian bas. Gelap.

Dari gelap, sehingga tetiba terpasang lampu-lampu kalimantang yang tiba-tiba.

Seram. Sejuk.

Teringat cerita Ju-On.

Beza nya, kini dia tidak takut, tetapi, sayu.

Luluh sudah hati dia. Si Anak merenung ke hadapan. Bingitan lagu Royal Jelly di ganti dengan petikan violin Emmet pula, tanda ada mesej baru masuk.

Dia masih terduduk. Tergenang mata.

Setelah beberapa ketika, dia berjalan lagi.

Dan berjalan

terus mengheret.

Badannya menjerit kesakitan, kelengahan. Bagai nak tercabut semua anggota.

Otaknya pula menjerit meminta teruskan perjalanan.

Hatinya memutuskan untuk berhenti. Dia sudah tiada semangat.

Hatinya sudah luluh.

Ya Allah, aku hamba yang hina.

Kuatkan lah semangat aku.

Tabahkan lah hati aku.

Dengarlah rintihan hamba Mu.

Aku kena tabah

Aku perlukan pertolongan Mu ya Allah.

Serentak, gerimis turun mencurah-curah, lebat.

Membasahi bumi,

membasahi dia.

Tanda tak lama lagi ribut.

Sebak.

Dia terus berjalan.

Berhenti, mendongak ke atas, di sebelah tiang lampu jalan.

Silau dengan cahaya neon.

Air mata mengalir.

Dia terus mengheret-heret kaki nya.

Dan terhenti langkah di perhentian bas.

Dan entah, berapa lama, dia terbaring di situ.

Untuk apa?

Separuh harapan, separuh lagi cuma hasil tindakbalas badan terhadap pain receptor.

Beberapa ketika dia tertiarap di atas bangku besi.

Hujan makin lebat.

-----

Di tekannya butang kawalan jauh pintu pagar.

Terbuka otomatik.

Si Ibu melihat si Anak dalam kebasahan.

"Macam mana dinner tadi, gembira tak sayang?"

Si Anak cuma tersenyum sumbing.

"Gembira, Mama."

Lalu dia melangkah perlahan.

Membuka pintu, melihat tiada siapa pun di bawah.

Gelap, sunyi.

Di lihat kiri

di pandan kanan

memang dia seorang di bawah

Soaked wet,

Air hujan dari rambut mengalir,

bercampur dengan air mata dan peluh,

sebak.

Dia cuma boleh tersenyum.

starfall.

2010-11-17T20:53:00.004+08:00

yang datang tak banyak pula
yang pergi pula selalu sahaja.
tatkala aku semakin lut cahaya,
musibah datang dari pelbagai cara.

aku,
semakin berhenti berharap.
kenapa aku tak terima hakikat sahaja?
senang.
tapi,
aku, mengalah ke?

seorang lagi penghibur hati aku dah meninggal.
munchkin si sugar glider.
aku rindu bunyi bising kau bila aku kacau kau tido,
tido bergulung-gulung tu.
dan kau kacau aku baca slide bila tengah malam
dengan bunyi-bunyi kau tu.
kecoh je.
sekarang,
aku dah makin kurang semangat,
sorang.
sorang.
sorang.
aku dah,
tak sanggup nak rasa attachment kepada apa-apa,
siapa.
siapa?

-----

..mari, mari sini.
kau dah cuba sebaik mungkin.
kau patut, biar sahaja,
serahkan pada aku.
keringkan. keraskan.

terang matahari, sedar, walau terang manapun, orang sedar? walau tahu tak lama, terangkan jugak lah. dengan api yang dingin. sehingga, bintang ini, padam.

starfall.

oneirophobia

2010-11-09T02:02:00.004+08:00

Menunggu tak kunjung tiba,
Lain pula yang menimpa.
Bila tiba, tiba waktu huru hara,
Ah, aku dah bosan mengadu domba.

Sekarang, terpaksa lah. Nasib.

even the nights are better.

2010-11-08T14:44:00.002+08:00

menggoda. kegelapan. jadi? apa yang menggoda sangat?
dia termenung ke luar.
tidak difokus kepada jalur jalur air yang turun di kaca itu.
banyak.
di sebalik jalur jalur tu, kegelapan.
ditutup lampu bilik.
diselak langsir.
ditolak jendela kaca.
dia melangkah kaki kanan.
cuba merasa, tempat meletak kaki.
tak ada.
disuanya lagi.
kaki kanannya tidak mencecah apa-apa.
ah, lantak.
di kuak kaki kiri pula.
lalu sahaja loncat
steady, but surely, very slow, and light.
warm.
the warmness that will surely melt your heart.
perlahan melangkah.
perlahan sangat, bukan sengaja.
tetapi, langkah yang lemah.
angin menghembus badannya, terasa hampir melayang
seperti menyambut.
dia berdiri.
tegak, mendongak ke atas.
melihat, satelit?
seraya merebahkan badan perlahan-lahan.
walau gelap,
tetapi hitam malam itu, dia masih mampu
melihat awan-awan.
bergerak laju,
selaju angin yang meniup-niup.
rintik-rintik kesejukan tidak dihiraukan.
titis-titis atas kulit mukanya,
dadanya
ibarat menghiris, menikam.
makin lebat,
rintihan hujan yang tak kecil tapi banyak, yang selalu tidak dihiraukan,
lebat sahaja
mengalir ke genting suam
titisan yang beraduk dengan air suam
dari kelopak mata,
turun perlahan-lahan
matanya makin kabur,
dengan memori, impian tidak tercapai,
kekalutan masa lampau,
kebodohan yang teramat,
kealpaan,
kelalaian,
karma yang menanti di zaman sekarang
akibat kelalaian silam,
ibarat pita yang talinya tersimpul,
cerita yang tidak bergerak
tersekat disitu.

rintik hujan makin bertalu-talu
dia masih disitu
entah apa dapat dilihat
cuma penyesalan
dan apa yang mampu di buat
agar dia dapat
menebus kesalahan,
dia redha
jika ini ketentuan Ilahi
dia akan menghiris, untuk menyembuh
yang pasti,
bukan luka dia.

a mockery towards myself

2010-11-05T00:12:00.003+08:00

idk anymore. I'm getting sick of this. I am depressed.

Can I just like, ran and cross the highway and getting hit by a car, I'll be happy if I'm dead, but I'd be a lot happier if I just, forget everything I went through, forget all the memories. maybe.

God. Oh God. Please. I'm hoping I can be stronger. I felt so useless every time I sujud, and hoping, praying that I'd be stronger, even just a little.

I don't want to give in, I know I'm still strong. I know this is just me, being sissy and stuff. I know I'm over reacting yada yada yada, I know that people have their own problems. Obviously.

I need to be strong, there's no other option.

Maybe I'm just getting sick of being strong.

Be happy. Try, to be happy. Must be happy.

I know I will. I know I'm strong.

lololol.

there's nothing good after 2 a.m.

2010-11-04T02:54:00.002+08:00

so I walked towards the direction that this heart tells. It's a bit odd because when you don't believe in your heart, you started to do more what you're heart tells you. When the heart is hurt, there's a higher probability to do something stupid, that always come from your heart.

then, what will you do after 2 a.m? just go to sleep.

BEEPPPPPPPPP! wrong answer.

sigh, I wonder if I can really takes that as a good answer. the final is approaching. and the stability still doesn't come. Right now, honestly, I don't feel any good. Only, plain heartache. idk why tbh. wait. maybe not idk why, its because which one. I mean, there's craps been throwing at me at all direction, and it's up to me to avoid all of them. avoiding? more like escaping. Okay, I've tried handling it, but no, it won't do. It's too big for me, I guess. When a shit is done, there's always another, waiting for you. It'll never ends.

So what you do after 2 a.m.? sigh. honestly, just go to sleep. this is a heartfelt advice from me.

do you want to know what I do after 2? heh. naah. it's boring.

this is a small update from me. there's a lot of words I heard from friends, regarding my posts. Most of them said it was pretty good, to my surprise. But really, all of it comes out of my head, spontaneously. I just write, what my fingers hit the keyboard (duh) and it's what I feel. I think. No, I don't really think usually all the time while updating my blog lol. so yeah. a lil update on my life, for those who is interested, and actually, care. lololol.

going back to my kancil. spending time with the one that you know, won't live forever, is a bliss. appreciating what she has done to help me. creating more, and more memories together. aih.

nite peeps.

kalaulah nasib, sudah tersurat, begini hebat.. ..apa nak buat.

2010-11-01T14:16:00.002+08:00

"Hendak ku nangis..
Tiada berair mata.
Hendak ku senyum..
Tiada siapa nak teman.
Kalaulah nasib ..
Sudah tersurat.
Begini hebat ..
..Apa nak buat.."

Di mana kan ku cari ganti,
Serupa denganmu..
Tak sanggup ku berpisah,
Dan berhati patah,
Hidup gelisah..

Alangkah pedih rasa hati,
Selama kau pergi..
Tinggalku sendirian,
Tiada berteman,
Dalam kesepian..

Dunia terang, menjadi gelita.
Cahaya indah tiada berguna..
Keluhan hatiku,
Menambah derita.
Tetap kau jua,
Tak kunjung jelma.

Dimana kan ku cari ganti,
Mungkinkah di syurga?
Untuk kawan berduka,
Menangis bersama,
..Selama-lama..

--di mana dia?

2010-10-28T19:18:00.004+08:00

"Kita kembali dalam rancangan Ah-Ha!"

"Ah-Ha musim keduaaa, Ah-Ha Ah-Haaaa--"

Dalam bilik tu, dia duduk termenung sahaja. Televisyen yang terpasang dibiarkan. Terdengar gelak suara dari peti hitam atas pintu bilik air di bilik itu. Tapi dia tidak peduli. Tidak mendengar pun. Tidak sedikit pun mengganggu konsentrasi fikirannya. Fikiran yang jauh ke tempat lain.

Mana dia?

Seorang demi seorang masuk. Memeriksa keadaanya. Mencatat apa yang perlu pada sekeping kertas di hujung katil, setelah memeriksa segala aparatus yang mengelilingi dia.

"Miss, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine." Dengan senyuman di mukanya.

"Great, so far you're doing okay, .......-----"

Segala apa yang selepas itu, segala bebelan, segala penerangan dia tidak ambil peduli. Pandangan nya di lontarkan ke luar tingkap. Di sebalik banggunan pencakar langit di sekeliling kawasannya, warna matahari jingga kemerah-merahan terang melantunkan cahaya ke arah tingkap bilik tersebut.

Cepatlah datang. Aku perlukan kau sangat. Aku takkan kesah kenapa kau lambat, aku cuma nak kau ada. Aku tau kau takkan hampakan aku, kau tak pernah hampakan aku. Cuma,

"Why did you love me?"

"Huh?" Dia tak sangka soalan itu yang keluar, kenapa? "Because, I-- love you?"

"You have, everything. Great friends that have always cared about you, great parents, you are beautiful, rich, talented, intelligent- no, genius, kind, and yada yada. Why, out of all people, me?"

Dia tersentak. Kenapa macam tu sekali? Walaupun apa yang dikatakan tu betul, kalau betul sekali pun, aku, manusia biasa sahaja. Aku, tak mau dipandang begitu, lagi-lagi dari kau. Aku, ikhlas. Aku tau, kau memang layan aku macam manusia biasa, aku suka dilayan begitu. Kau buat aku tertarik, kau buat aku rasa macam, orang biasa. Aku tak perlu sebab untuk mencinta orang, aku tertarik dengan kau yang tidak tertarik dengan kelebihan aku.

Tapi, walaupun kau rasa pelik, rasa seperti orang sentiasa membenci kau kerana aku disamping kau, rasa tidak selesa, kau sentiasa ada untuk aku. Ya, kau memang ego. Tetapi, disebalik ego tu, kau amat perlukan perhatian. Aku rasa susah, nak selami kau, kerana kau tidak tertarik disebalik luaran aku seperti orang lain. Aku kena usaha. Dan aku telah. Tapi aku masih usaha. Tak pernah putus asa. Aku ingin kau rasa, apa yang aku rasa. Orang yang memahami aku. Aku nak kau tau, aku memahami kau. Aku cuba beri apa kau nak. Aku bahagia begini.

Apa yang akan aku katakan pada kau nanti? Aku risau, kau akan bersedih. Tapi kau kan, kuat? Kau sentiasa kuat. Kau bagai sang suria, tidak pernah padam. Sentiasa buat aku mekar. Tanpa kau aku layu. Aku takut kau, bersedih. Bagaimana kalau tiada orang yang mampu buat kau gembira lagi? Aku, rasa serba salah. Aku tak nak tinggalkan kau. Aku , kau, kita macam, saling memerlukan. Aku harap kau akan tabah. Aku tau kau kuat. Aku tak nak kau bersedih. Aku nak kau sentiasa gembira, macam sekarang. Walau apa yang terjadi, aku nak kau sentiasa senyum, tabah dan sentiasa melihat hikmah disebalik kejadian.

Cerah yang amat sangat, menjadi semakin malap. Terdengar sayup-sayup azan berkumandang. Dari warna jingga yang sangat cerah, menjadi semakin gelap, di ganti dengan cahaya lampu neon jalanan. Mana kau? Seribu seratus benda aku ingin katakan. Itu pun yang aku terfikir. Yang tak terfikir, yang akan keluar tatkala kita berbual tu, lagilah. Jadi cepatlah datang.

"I can't believe it, you actually watching TV3 news? And plus, dalam gelap pulak tu. Selalu dia lah yang selalu marah kat orang kalau buat macam ni."

Dia berpaling ke arah suara itu.

Dan dia, tersenyum.

Akhirnya.

next thing you know, it's gone.

2010-10-27T17:38:00.000+08:00

frankly, there's a lot things I wanted to share. About a certain sugar-glider that my sis is taking care of, about my dad, and my friends. these are wonderful wonderful things I wanted to say. My life is pretty good so far.

NOT.

officially today sums up this whole fucked up ~~month.~~ week.

First of all, the Monday. There's a vb test. Oh I know how easy was vb. It's a piece of cake. Supposedly. But honestly, I don't feel like I'll get a mark in that test. Yep. You saw it. I don't know if I can't get a mark out of 100 from that test. I tried to be calm, but my oh my. What I can say is that, my mind wasn't ready for the test. I'm not properly on the right frame of mind. So I fucked up. Other people's mind is either at what they read yesterday, but mind, was far from here. Back at home. I was worried about Papa. Always worried. But this time, I can't get it out from my head. Not only Papa. Almost everything flashing in my mind that time. I know, I know. I'm not using this as an excuse, eventhough I read almost everything but all I can say is that, everything I read went down the drain. Absolutely everything. Went to PJ again, (I went there first thing on the morn just to be informed that my Diana's picture is still not finished, so I have to be there on the afternoon.) and collected the pictures. It was pretty sad, because it didn't turned out like I wanted it to be but at the same time I felt very happy with the result. And PJ was hell! Going there is like went through some World War and going out of PJ is like World War II.

That night we went all out on JAVA project. It was very very hectic. Adib and Burn bring down their desktops while I helped them. All of us brought our laptop including the girls. But, not only JAVA, there's a MIS project submission on Tuesday, so instead of JAVA, which only need one PC to do it instead of 4, I went doing MIS. And we started from 0. Burn was focusing on JAVA, Adib was focusing on his team's JAVA, while I'm apparently left from our trio of MIS group, it's all up to me I guess. So that night almost googled every big company in Malaysia but apparently not all of them are completely, complete in their website. After some times it was 3 I supposed, when I head is started to pulsing, so I went for 'painkilling' session. And then I continued and continued until I felt like my head wanted to exploded, then I went for my dear, that always waiting for me to come to her, Lunesta.

That Tuesday morning I rushed, because well apparently I overslept, and it was 9.15 or so when I arrived at the lab and I saw Puan Nik Maria is already there, and I was very worried if I was the last person to arrived, my team presented the project already cause it's quite quiet that time, only to find out that only Burn is there inside the lab. Well because Burn did the JAVA apps quite a lot so I guess I'm presenting it out of my responsibility to the team. I did okay for the presentation I guess. Because of I ate some painkillers earlier, that morning I was pretty calm and not experiencing pain.

That evening, I went for MIS presentation eventhough I'm not that okay after quite a number of unpleasant pain I felt around lunch hour, and presenting the powerpoint slide that Adib prepared. That I have to adjust quite a lot, I thought it was done! Guess not. So when presenting, I mumbled a lot, most probably because of the pain, but I'm blaming for the essay written on the slide!

After that on Japanese class, we're doing an interview, with sensei as the interviewer. It was hell, the first question itself I fucked up, eventhough it's damn easy, it's a free mark! I was restless after the first question, and on my second question I'm out of my breath eventhough she's only asking 'nan sai deska?' I knew the answer, obviously but unsurprisingly, my mind went blanked, again. After quite sometimes, around 30 secs, after 2 or 3 times sensei repeated the question, finally I answered 'jyuu kyuu sai des'. And after regaining my composure I end up being over-confident when sensei shows me a picture of briefcase when I answered kabang, means bag. Haih. Anyway I got 6 out of 10. I know I sucks. I want to take a rest, badly.

Anyway on Wednesday we're gonna have a kaiwa, means dialog, and it's damn long! I have to remember 2 pages of kaiwa! And Didi and Nazrul told me to do a montaj, about our Multimedia project, which we will present on Wednesday. I have to finished my Computer Maintenance's part of the report, and I have to remember my kaiwas, and my laptop sucks, it didn't have Macromedia Authorware. Blame the laptop, for it's just a freaking entry level laptop that it cannot handle too many designing programs. So I'm focusing on my Computer Maintenance's job, which is not long when I started to feel uncomfortable, my head is killing me. I mean, the pain. I endured the pain until 12, that I started to feel very, very, very uncomfortable so I went for painkilling session. Just as I went out of Burn's room, I felt my body temperature rises so I went topless and as soon as I entered my room, I felt sudden jolt on my head, my body is like kicking from the inside, so I rushed, more like dragged my feet as fast as I could, and all I can see is my locker is damn far, when reality is, it's just a few steps from my bed, opened up the door, grabbed the meds, and next thing I know, I.. don't know.

My roomate saw me lying in front of my locker, in front of the toilet, this morning. It was damn freezing, as I did not wear any clothes. And plus, I'm on the bare floor for 6 hours or so, with the wind and all. Then I started to think. Oh shit, the kaiwas, the montaj. What I'm going to do? Well, as soon as I arrived at the campus, I finished up the montaj using Flash instead of Authorware. And after that I went for my Japs class, the last one, I tried my best for the dialog. I'm partnering Ah Fuu (Firdaus) but it's not like I'm prepared. But I end up getting 9/10, minus 1 mark from our creativity mark.

I felt like works come and cornered me in every single direction, it was tiring. I did not getting the sleep I supposed to have and the doctor was damn angry this time. "Bila dalam masalah, baru cari ubat. Tak nak prevent, bila dah lega tak nak makan, serupa lah macam ingat tuhan!" I felt like I was stabbed, it did. He was right, of course. Ah, and Friday ada VB project presentation pulak. How the hell I'll survive this week. I need help, seriously. I don't even have the fucking time, to rant to my Edith! This sucks. With all my pasts are catching up, I felt like my body, is tearing up, literally.

I.. fucked up. Can I just, escape this reality again. Oh well, I can't. I can't run. Or I'll end up like before.. Ahh.. I just.. not that strong, apparently. Trying to hold on since 2006, until now? With all the bullshits threw at me? I.. I'm not that strong. But still trying to hang on. Because, if it's not me, myself, how the hell I'm going to go through this? Guess I'll.. try my best.

orion

2010-10-17T22:36:00.003+08:00

It was an eventful day. At least, I did what I promised, what I can do, and what I really need to do. I enjoy it, yes I do, but did not enjoy it, much. Maybe because of the short period, maybe. But the most reasonable excuse is, it's just me.

It seems like, I stressed out so much, I'm not having fun, when I'm supposed to do so. All I'm doing is, thinking about all of the assignments, projects, presentations, tests, quizzes, future. Most of my time. Even when I'm driving. Even when I'm 'getting rid the toxic inside of my body'.

I did not have the time to think about my own happiness.

Or, I could say that, I could not care less.

Even when I knew that not what we've done will go noticed. If they happy, they'll enjoy it and, forget all things that is associated to the sadness.

Look, it's not like I love ranting about this.

But that's the fact. Every human I think, did this. Well I tried, not to do that. Appreciate more. Learn, learned to do so. Please. Not the hard way.

This.

Makes me realize about life. You can't be carefree. You'll lose something. Whatever it is. So for the moment, just, appreciate it. Believe me, mark my word, bookmark this page, print screen, whatever, take my word. You'll regret it.

There's no camera that's as good as your own eyes and memory.

Maybe that's why I don't feel so reluctant not taking any pictures from Friday/Saturday. It just, even if any pictures are taken, it'll not feel as good as the memory itself.

Pictures, always work as the ignition for the memory to replay. People sees picture, to know what happened, or to recall what happened.

Well, even if it's not that great, it's still a great escape. I can't believe we did that, it was wicked. I feel bad.

Lucky us, that the star shows up, even if it's not as bright as it used to before. I still enjoy the view as much as I enjoyed it the first time I was it. It was always beautiful. The feeling, is always blissful.

Escape? Not really. What kind of people are you, escape from something you hate, but eventually you came back to that place? Just call it as trip. To relieve tension. Or something.

I still can feel the breeze of the ocean. I still can see the sea of stars. I can still see the view outside the car.

Post-vacay can be suck as hell. But well, that's life.

And life is a bummer.

tentang pena, inspirasi, puisi.

2010-10-17T00:52:00.003+08:00

aku masih teringat-ingat lagi post seorang member course aku, dd. pen merah pen biru aku marah sapa tahu. er. dan selebihnya. berkisahkan kemarahan dia terhadap seorang perempuan, yang aku tak kenal, sebab perempuan itu nampaknya sangat mengenali dia, dan sampai dia sanggup buat camtu dekat orang yang nampak macam kfc happy meal je.

okay, post kali ni tak ada lah kena-mengena dengan minah tu, mahupun mamat tu.

aku mintak maaf lah awal-awal, walaupun dah berbuih mulut aku cakap, dah berketak jari aku menaip, yang aku tulis apa aku nak tulis, means aku update bila aku nak. dan karut apa aku nak karut. bukannya kalau aku bebel dekat RL korang nak dengar pun. at least dekat sini, ruang aku nak bebel.

maaf lah kalau entry post aku, tak inspiring. tak menarik. tak informatif. tak puitis. tak, tulus. tak tajam macam pen.

aku, tak reti tulis post yang inspiring. tak ada kata-kata yang memberangsangkan, yang akan menaikkan morale korang. yang membuat korang fikir, baiklah! akan aku sekian sekian sekian. aku, tak reti quote hadis-hadis, sekadar membaca sahaja. aku takut, salah quote, salah source, hadis tak kuat, habis, payah.

tak informatif, sentiasa dengan karut marut. tak pernah ada maklumat baru pasal gadget, atau kereta, atau kamera baru, game baru. sebab, aku.. tak lah up to date pun. kalau sapa kenal aku, tau lah, aku, balik-balik baju tu. kasut tu. beg tu. lagu pun, dengar radio, ye, tapi pakai FM modulator.

tak puitis. kata-kata aku, tak memikat jiwa. tak reti lah aku, bermetafora. kadang-kadang aku sendiri tak faham apa yang aku metaforakan, kalau aku bermetafora. aku pelik, betul ke apa yang penulis cuba sampai kan melalui puitis diorang tu, pembaca faham ke tak. salah faham, buat anggapan sendiri, mana tahu, keluar ajaran baru. payah.

tapi, blog aku pun, jarang ada cerita pasal aku. yelah, selalu kalau bukan untuk jadi bahan bacaan, orang update status dia, cerita dia hari itu, etc. tak selalu pun aku buat camtu.

blog ni.. ada apa?

blog sendiri, sukahati lah kalau kauorang nak buat apa pun. apa yang kau orang tulis, aku baca. aku enjoy semua blog yang aku baca, sebab, itu.. apa yang kau orang definisikan kau orang. kalau yang berinformasi tu, maksudnya dia sentiasa cari something, rajin selidik benda baru. yang berpuitis tu, seorang yang romantis, bukan bermaksud jiwang. tapi mempunyai idea baru terhadap benda yang normal. lebih kurang. tak faham? tu metafora. paham-paham sendiri. blog kau tempat nak cakap pasal awek kau, pasal benda yang kau tengah jual, kalau blog tu blog jual kamera lomo tu, obv pasal kamera lomo kau, untuk dijual kan.

blog aku, apa yang aku nak tulis lah. pola tak tetap. bermood, atau tak. berlagu, atau bercerita. straight as a sword, atau curve macam fries McD, depends.

contoh, entri macam ni. kan aku dah bebel. tu yang aku malas update blog. mesti aku karut.

bukan lah aku nak kelas kan orang. aku sedar aku tak perfect, tapi kau.. boleh nampak perwatakan orang tu. at least, aku lah. aku tau member-member aku macam mana orangnya. bukan being judgmental or whatsoever, tapi aku, read. aku faham, orang. kehendak diorang. dan, aku tak suka. aku tau apa diorang nak. tapi aku tak suka, aku dapat baca.

fikir macam ni. kau, tau budak tu jalan sorang-sorang. kat tepi jalan. dia, tak tegor sapa pun. tapi, kau tau, yang dia ni tengah cari mak dia. well, tengok dia macam tu, dah lama berjalan muka muram, comot, tepi jalan, sibuk. kau.. tak nak tolong?

bukan lah aku nak cakap aku rajin tolong orang, tapi aku try my best. and yea, i do enjoy helping people.

aku tak suka, sebab? sebab er, aku je yang macam tahu.

di sebalik matahari yang bersinar menyala, di sebalik itu, ada angkasa yang gelap, kelam, di belakang. yang lebih luas. yang kau tak tau.

yang kau orang, tak bother nak ambil tahu, being a normal human being.

yang kau perasan, dengar-dengar dari orang mengenai angkasa hitam tu, kau cuba jelajah, dan angkasa mengalu-alukan, tetapi apa dah jadi, lepas kau, dapat tau SIKIT? bintang yang kau tinggalkan, meletup jadi black hole, menyedut semua cahaya yang ada.

kalau kau tau pun, tentang angkasa tu, apa kau boleh buat? jadikan dia langit biru, luas dan cerah, lebih tenang?

--Omoide

2010-10-04T12:51:00.006+08:00

Air turun laju. Gelap. Sunyi. Suasana yang paling dibenci. Tapi, suasana itulah yang dicari. Yang menggambarkan dia. Dia, terduduk, mencangkung. Macam dulu. Cuma bezanya, kini dia di kamar mandi. Air pancut turun tak henti-henti, bersama memori yang diimbas, yang tak mungkin kembali.

Duduk, termenung. Tengah hari tu tak macam tengah hari lain. Bercahaya matahari, tapi tak panas. Tak bahang. Tapi tak menghalang peluh meleleh di dahi Firdaus. Bunyi unggas bersahutan, segala bunyi alam sekitar ada. Pelik, betul ke ni Kuala Lumpur? Matahari kini mula menghasilkan bayang, menandakan sudah lepas tengah hari, sedikit. Pukul berapa? Berapa lama sudah aku dekat sini? Hish, kalau lah jam tu tak putus waktu sesi 'suai kenal' dan 'ramah mesra' baru-baru ini dengan pelajar kelas sebelah yang langgar Firdaus sehingga dia dapat merasa Mee Sup kantin sekolahnya itu agak masin, at least dia dapat agak berapa lama dia akan dapat bertahan di situ.

Paappp!

"Adoi! Sakitlah!" Terasa perit dibelakang badan dia.

"Er, sorry?" Si perempuan itu tertutup mata, takut kena marah. Firdaus tersenyum, tapi cepat-cepat dia tukar senyum, kepada mimik muka marah.

"Sakit lah," Ulang Firdaus.

"Gaduh lagi la tu"

"Tak lah, ramah mesra antara lelaki dengan lelaki lain. Menggunakan physical contact"

"Ye lah, kalau camtu kenapa tak ramah mesra ikut PE?"

"PE?"

"Physical Education"

"Pendidikan Jasmani, kami sekolah Kebangsaan je."

"Hergh. Benci lah, jangan macam tu."

"Kalau PJ nanti cikgu salah anggap. Kitorang ber'gurau' dan ber'mesra' je. And besides, diorang kelas belakaaaaaaang. Hah, asal lambat?"

"Jom, ikut Haz jap. Kak Sofinas nak jumpa."

"Vivy Sofinas?"

"Perempuan, ingat jerr."

"Habis tu nak Firdaus ingat lelaki je? Kang cakap asyik gaduh je."

"But still..,"

"Plus nama dia pelik kot. Vivy? Mesti la ingat."

Tanpa menghiraukan bebelan Firdaus dia berlalu ke dalam sekolah. Rasa marah jugak, kenapa dia ingat Kak Sofinas, yang baru sekali dia ternampak, bukan aku, yang dia langgar, tapi masih tak ingat-ingat waktu jumpa kali kedua? Aku ni, tak cukup ke?

Firdaus mengekor sahaja Hazirah. Apa lagi lah perempuan ni. Dah la berjam aku tunggu dia, tapi dia.. ada hal pulak. Busy. Kalau aku tau baik aku lepak dekat rumah. Papa mama memang tak ada, tapi, sebab Uncle dan Aunty yang jemput datang, aku pergi jugak. Jaga hati. Yelah, Uncle selalu buat aku happy. Apa salahnya buat dia happy?

"Fir."

"Hm?"

"Firrrr." Isyy ape ni.

"Ye."

"Firrrrrr." Sambil mencekak pinggang.

"Baiikkk. Kenapaaaa." Panjang sahaja dia tarik. Aduh, macam mak orang! Apa beza dia "ya" atau pun "baik"? "Baik"? Macam tak kena bila fikir maksudnya, dengan cara penggunaan.

"Teman Hazirah jap."

"I'm here."

"I mean, let's take a walk?"

"We're walking." Saja dia nak bagi sakit hati. Geram tadi tak hilang lagi

"Fird!"

"Apa?"

"Jom lah, teman. Nak jalan-jalan."

"Penat lah, panas lagi ni"

"Fiiinnee then. Haz pergi sorang-sorang, dekat area damansara ni." Adus, sudah.

"Yelah, mana?"

"Ikut jalan belakang sekolah ni"

"Takpe ke masuk sekolah ni? Well sebab this is Sri Cempaka. I'm from an ordinary school, sekolah kerajaan je. Boleh ke masuk?"

"Fird! Dah la!" Dia menghentak kaki sambil berjalan. Eh, apa je yang aku cakap ni. Lain aku nak keluarkan, lain yang terkeluar.

Firdaus mengekor sahaja. Tercongak-congak cara untuk meminta maaf. Tapi, kenapa aku pula kena minta maaf? Dia, berlagak macam diva, pemaisuri, aku yang jauh ni kena tunggu dia, biarlah dia rasa sakit hati pula.

"Apa ikut? Penat kan? Pergi lah tunggu dekat rumah with my dad."

"Uncle takde."

"Then with mummy lah"

"He's taking her with him."

"Eiiisshh!" Seraya dia membuka langkah, berlari mendaki bukit, lalu terus ke jalan Pinggiran Setiabudi.

"Eh, nanti!" Gila! Dengan long skirt dan berkot hijau tu dia nak berlari? Tak reti penat ke? Firdaus mula membuka langkah, mula-mula berlari anak. Tapi melihat Hazirah makin mengecil, dan menghilang disebalik bukit tu, dia mule berlari. Dan, sampai juga ke Pinggiran Setiabudi tapi.. dah hilang.

"Haz?"

Perlahan dia menuruni bukit tu, menuju ke arah Jalan Setiabudi. Seriously, takkan lah dia menghilang macam tu je. Menusuk hati ke bagai mata pedang ke ayat aku tadi? Ah, bersalah. Karang apa aku nak jawab bila menghadap Uncle, Aunty? Yang penting, Mama Papa dekat rumah. Arhhh. Tapi, apa jadi nanti dengan dia? Kena culik? Kena rompak? Kena.. Oh tidak. Tolonglah, tuhan!

"HAZ!"

"HAZIRAH!" Terpekik. Terlolong. Tidak. Terduduk Firdaus. Janganlah. Aku.. menyesal.

"How wass'that? Risaukan Haz ke? Ouh, so sweeet." Firdaus terdiam. Terdengar suara dari belakang. Dia terus membisu.

"Tak punn, issshhhhhhhh." Sambil dia menarik-narik pipi perempuan tu. Geram, sangat! Merah delima pipi perempuan tu. Sudah lah kulitnya putih macam kain putih, bila merah saja nampak beza, teramat.

"Ouch! " Seraya ditumbuknya bahu Firdaus berkali. Padan muka kau, aku. Takut tadi. Bangga pulak Hazirah, dapat buat lelaki macam Firdaus tu pucat lesi. Tapi pipi ni, perit terasa.

"Senyum apa, nak lagi ke?" Gertak Firdaus. Ish, boleh pulak buat memain.

"Nothing lah, jum!" Ditariknya tangan Firdaus. "Teman Haz?"

"Yelah yelah." Perlahan lahan dia melangkah, berat. Hati, memang gembira. Tapi, susah dia dapat zahirkan. Tapi perempuan ni. Ah, dia faham-faham sahaja. Suka hati dia saja nak buat apa. Aku, yang terperangkap.

"Nak pergi mana?" Lama Firdaus fikir nak bertanyakan, bunyi macam soalan yang mudah, tapi seolah-olah.. menampakkan kesudian dia untuk teman Hazirah.

"Nak..SLURPEE!"

"Erk. Ke 7-E lah ni? Eh jap, Haz!" Risau betul, selamba je dia melintas jalan? Risau aku dibuatnya. Pusat Damansara ni, tau lah kereta yang lalu jalan ni sikit sangat. Tapi bahaya, malang tak berbau. Tapi kalau kemalangan, memang berbau lah, bau minyak hitam dan minyak segala.

"Cepat lah Fird!" Melangkah jalan, menyusuri Jalan Setiamurni. Mereka bersembang, saling usik-mengusik. Ada sahaja yang tak kena, walau benda sekecil zarah! Itulah mereka.

"Huh, what else you bought?"

"Oh, this is for you."

"Coke? Er, kay. Thanks. Huh, plaster?"

"Yelah, kang sakit belakang tu." Berdekah-dekah Firdaus gelak. Apa lah yang perempuan ni fikirkan. Terpegun kakak cashier tu lihat Firdaus. Sihat ke tak budak ni. Perlu ke aku ready nak tekan bell in case kalau tetiba ni lakonan, untuk rompakan?

"Haz, hahahahahaha" Tak henti lagi. Ahh, lawak sungguh lah dia ni.

"Ape ni Fird, cakap je la" Makin sakit hati lihat Firdaus tergelak-gelak. Apa salah aku buat? Kot ni ada kotor ke ape? Ade benda ke dekat rambut ni?

"Fird, baik cakap, is there something at my hair?"

"Hahahahahahahahahaha"

Tak henti-henti lagi. Hazirah makin gelisah, apa ni?

"Haz, thanks for your concern but, plaster untuk luka! Bukan untuk lebam ke sengal otot ke ape hahahahahaha!" Merah padam muka Hazirah. Berani dia gelakkan aku depan orang ramai? Nasib ada kakak cashier ni je. Ah, tengok, kakak cashier ni pun tersengih je tengok aku. Eiiiii. Malu!

Lalu mereka susuri Jalan Setia Bakti, menuju ke destinasi asal. Tengah hari tu, meriah betul. Mereka, bergembira tanpa pedulikan mata-mata yang melihat. Ah, janganlah habis saat-saat ini. Bahagia.

mislead, mischievous.

2010-09-30T04:48:00.002+08:00

i've always have this feeling. i could've done better. i, can do this, i'm better than this. people always have this expectation of me. i used to have this, what i always recalled as an uneasy feeling, a heavy burden left on my shoulder.

although, i can do much better, i don't. i chose not to. how sick, and terrible person i am. destroying ppl hope, i guess. i'm sorry, i'm not really reliable. i can, but i, don't live up to the expectations i guess.

lack of self-motivation, kot. but then, do i need people to encourage me? i chose not to. it's not that i don't need them, who doesn't? but, the more trust i put into them, the lesser i get. Of course, who i am to blame them?

when they need me, i'm always there. but well, i'm not really an open guy. i'm more a reserved guy. always keep in myself. that'll eventually led me to my own downfall. hahaha. like always. but anyways. i, really have only myself to blame.

well a little bit of update about myself. i'm at.. 5th floor of my college. heh. was thinking of streaming a live game from here, but apparently, the modem router at this block's 5th floor seems to fucked up. and oh yea, why i'm here? because this floor have absolutely no people living here. and, because view from here is awesome. because, i used to live here. in my first year, but after that year, seems like this floor never got it's permanent resident, and i mean, living people haha. maybe lot of guess lived here for a month or two. but that's all.

so impulsively, i break inside one of this floor's room. and here i am. hahaha. how bad i am. yes i know. i'm a mischievous person. really. i'm not a good guy. well judging from my outer appearance, doesn't really look like one, but i'm not a good guy either.

life is not that simple. that's been in my head since i was little. and yeah, i learned things the hard way. almost get kicked from school for err, misbehaving? well i escaped, because my father is a YDP PIBG. so, yeah. my dad, well, obviously not happy bout that. so i learned something, if it's involve my parents water face (direct translation from bahasa), i won't do it. as simple as that.

so yeah, my hostel life at SM Sains Raja Tun Azlan Shah wasn't that easy, i was restricted by my own belief, my own, way of life. if i get involves in a single fight, I'll be kicked. well, that will involves my parents, and apparently my dad's and my warden seems to keep in touch a lot, so i'm not really, myself there, honestly.

i've been doing this kind of thing, since i can remember. First time that i really remember is, when i was 9. or wassit 8? anyway, my family was on a vacation at penang. Well, not really. Papa ada meeting and so, yeah. Papa and Mama was not there at that time, and somehow my beloved little sister locked the their connecting room's door. so i, climbed to the other side, via the outer veranda. and it was a freaking 7 story hotel. so yeahh. i was a daredevil, and i'm still am. maybe a little bit rusty.

not to mention, the thing i always do when i'm.. pretty much alone. and sad. lol. climbing the roof and, well, sit there in the middle of the night? thank god no one notice it, cause they'll claim i was trying to break my own house! ahh, those memories. oh and if you guys don't know, i'm actually pretty much a scenery chaser. i enjoy view so much, i tried to keep looking at sky sometimes, and make some people mad at me for not listening to their rants. haha. well, it actually calms me. i guess. or it doesn't bored me much. i can guess people's behavior, but not the nature's.

and i was pretty much lucky to see a shooting star. remember? thanks.

sometimes, life are not meant to be, as we planned. well, to those that actually make their life, as they wanted it, waw. congrats. what more can i say. as i said before, i learned things, the hard way. i always knew what is the right thing, but, i don't do it. that's the problem. always.

and then, i end up regretting it. and blaming myself.

the ghost of the past will always haunt you. the nightmare will come to you, and not others. the nightmare of the past.

what am i blabbering here.

oh well. it's not like you guys read this whole damn thing anyways. and to actually realize what I'm saying. I'm not understandable, is what I believe. Yes.

anyway, good luck, me. go, and be happy. no one will make you happy. you, only have to blame yourself. so. just. be happy. i guess.

tentang memori

2010-09-25T19:22:00.002+08:00

pagi ni, aku ke Esso mak Haikal untuk mengambil duit. Dah seminggu kak Aisyah kirim suruh ambik duit. duit jual kuih raya. Total dia RM466. Tapi tak sempat2 ambik. Hari ni jugak aku paksa diri pegi ambik. Bila lagi, kan?

Sampai-sampai Kak Imah tu tak ada. Adeih. Kakak cakap dia dah pi dah, tapi seminggu jadi macam tu, sbb tu dia suruh aku lak pegi haritu. Siod. Takapa, sebab aku tengah basuh kereta anyways. Sambil tu beli potato chips, dan F&N hijau. Suka aku, sebab dah lama tak makan minum benda mengarut ni. hahahahaha.

Aku ni, memang camni. Syiok. Tengok orang bersusah payah bersihkan Edith. Bagi dia putih melepak balik. Tonyoh daki daki dia tu ha. Tula, asyik duk teman je. Dah lama tak bercuci.

Sambil kunyah, aku rasa, macam banyak pulak. Dulu waktu kecik pun, boleh je habis kan. Siap ada second lagi hahah. Terus, masuk lorong memori.

Sraappp!

*Grab*

"Eh?"

"Hm?"

"Oh, takde ape-ape."

Besok di sekolah. Aku nampak member bukak keropok twisties.

*Grab*

"Hoi!"

"Eh?"

"Ish penat mak bapak aku beli wuuu wuuu"

Erk. Maaf lah. Hairan aku.

Balik dari sekolah. Aku lihat sahaja dia beli Mr. Potato warna putih. Cis, kurang garam! Sambil berjalan kaki, aku hirup Slurpee.

Sraappp!

Slurrrppppp.

Sambil slurp Slurpee tu, aku tengok sahaja. Dia tengok aku balik.

Senyum. Lalu hulur.

"Ha?"

"Kenapa, nak kan?"

"Er, okay.."

Sambil berjalan aku diam sahaja. Kunyah pun, sopan je. Serabut kepala otak aku ni. Biar benar.

"Kenapa.."

"Hm?"

"..kau ba-"

"Nak?" Eh eh, selamba potong cakap aku. Cis!

"Dengar la"

"Ape nyeee."

"Kenapa kau offer?"

"Cause I'm awesome. Hahaha"

"..."

"Ish, sebab, chips, kalau share lagi best, kan? Makan sorang-sorang, tak best."

Aku terdiam. Memang betul, tapi, aku tak realize pun benda ni. Memang aku rasa camtu, sebab tu lah aku buat macam-macam kat orang. Well, aku pelik. Dan sekarang, aku sedar, dengan siapa I'm messing with.

Fall this time the times are useless, have you been through wonderful minds ?

2010-09-24T19:30:00.004+08:00

Today, the nightmare came back. Only, it's less nightmare-ish. Which is good, but obviously, it's kinda makes me think for a moment. Wait, then it is a dream lah, considering it's not nightmare-ish enough to be a nightmare, but I thought dream would always be lovely, fulls of hopes, etc. Ahh.

Dreams/nightmares are mostly satan's and devil's work, anyway.

It started when I, suddenly rolling down a hills. It is not a grass-filled hills, unfortunately. It's a pavement, or maybe a tar road. But whatever it is, it hurts. And so after rolling for quite a bit, I stand up, slowly rose to see where am I.

Okay, frankly, I hate to do it in a 3rd person view. Perhaps it's be better if it's in a 1st person mode. And yeah, I think I'll go in bahasa mode. Or maybe rojak. Why?

Because I can.

Anywayss.

Sebaik aku bangun, sambil menepuk2 badan, peha, menghilangkan habuk, pelik, seolah bangun tidur perihal aku. Mengeliat semacam. Lengoh, penat berguling-guling ala hindustan, agaknya. Bollywood, berguling atas rumput, aku? Beza realiti dan mimpi. Macam terbalik pulak.

Dalam tertanya-tanya, aku terpandang atas bukit tu, ah. Rupanya, patutlah. Tersegam megah banglo dua tingkat. Pagar tebukak luas. Ada kanak-kanak berlari. Seraya aku melangkah mendaki kembali bukit. Di tegur oleh seorang puan, yang aku kira besar jugaklah pangkatnya, duduk di Federal Hill ni.

"Dik, kenapa?"

"Er, saya ni, sebenarnya tuan rumah ni dulu" Ah sudah. Bila masa aku punya rumah ni, mengarut!

"Er?"

"Ha tu kereta saya" Ternampak NAN 14 di jauh sedikit di belakang puan tu.

"Oh, em.."

"Sayaaa, nak tengok-tengok rumah ni sebenarnya, rindu, akak." Tersengih-sengih. Bukan kau lah yang aku rindu.

"Pemilik rumah yang terkeberapa sebelum akak ni"

"Tau, tau." Eh, tau?

"Masuk lah dulu dik, tengok-tengok lah. Maaf lah bersepah. Tengah kemas.

Ah, tak sempat pulak tatap muka puan ni. Yang penting, aku.. rasa selesa.. selamat? Entah. Aku melangkah, sambil dia menghilang. Yang aku sedar, aku, di ruang tamu. Dah ada tangga (satu lagi? Gile ape) ke atas? Waw. Ternampak ada budak sedang mengelap anak tangga.

"Eh dah tambah tangga pulak? Dasyat" Membuka bicara.

"..." Sambil usha slack aku. Ah. Ini, jangan cakap dia bisu pulak.

Jadi aku menuju ke ruang TV, di sebelah tangga. Ah, ruang favorite aku. Sekarang, jadi tempat dining hall. Besar, amat. Panjang. Haha. Muat untuk 10 orang lah. Ada hidangan atas meja. Ada cook sedang hidangkan makanan. Kiri-kanan aku toleh. Ah ni sempat jugak aku try, macam menarik je nii. Baru tangan nak sentuh makanan, tiba-tiba

"Aizat! Dah la tak tolong, merantah pulak! Eiii boys are always the same!"

"Sorry!" Seraya aku menahan tangan aku di kepala. Eh?

Ruang makan yang tadi riuh, sunyi sepi. Tak ada orang.

"Aizat.."

Tercari-cari, apa bunyi tu?

Seraya, bunyi titisan hujan mula jatuh di luar, atas zink. Erk. Hujan. Ergh.

"Encik, buka lah kasut tu, nanti puan marah."

"Huh? Okay, okay" Alamak lupa pulak bukak kasut. Apa ni, gila tak beradab. Sapa pulak tegur aku tadi? Oh, maid gamaknya. Tengah sibuk membersihkan karpet tebal warna putih bercorak tu.

"..Aizat.."

Lagi?

Aku bergerak, automatik. Menuju ke ruang antara dapur. Tapi, mana? Mana sambungan ke dapur? Mana pintu? Dah, bersimen? Apa ni? Aku, hanya mampu lihat di tingkap, ke arah garage, dapur, semua. Termenung. Sunyi. Banyak berubah dah rumah ni. Rindunya aku.

"Assalamualaikoommmm!!!"

"Wa'alaikum salam"

"Eh, Atiqah, what are you doing here?"

"I've been waiting for you, for ages, cepatlah, grab your bike!"

"Ha?"

Eh, dia. 5 tahun?

"Nanti lah, Aizat tengah terkejut lagilah. Hang ni loqlaq lah Atiqah. Report kat Mummy nanti tau"

Wait, Anwar? Kurus, berambut, macam dulu?

"Aizaat!"

Ismail? Tak sedar aku kau kecil sangat. Eh Habib? Eh? Ustazah Zee pun ada? Tadika ada buat rombongan. Wait, tadika?

"Aizat!" Wah Nasrun Faiq!

"Woit Aizat!" Mufid! Kau ingat lagi digimon ver 4 aku tu kat kau!

"Aizat, lama tak jumpe kau" Farouq, ah, rindu kau. Still pucat macam dulu. Patut lah aku terperasan Edward Cullen tu macam familiar, beza, kau rambut perang, dan kau pakai speck.

"Aizaatttt" Wan Muhammad Afiq Afifi! Mana abang kau, Afiq Aqili? Abang aku dah lama tak jumpa dia.

Sorang. Sorang. Afiqa, Hashima, Fitri, Haifa, dan cosin dia Hafiza, sorang, sorang.

Bob! Eh kau.. bulat? Zul! Bulat jugak, hahaha! Ada Shahrizan, ada Syed Tariq, ada Sofhatun, hahaha kecik kecik, comel! Semua muka budak-budak!

"Aizat! Bayar hutang!"

Ah Wei Lin! Xing Hui! Sue! Oh you're wearing tudung, but still looks good on you! Auffa, Devan, Rafique, Lili, Shalini, Nadmin, hahaha, semua datang nampak pint size je.

Amal, sambil pakai uniform sekolah biru kau! Hahaha, mE, still the same, which part of you yang nampak tua pun tak tau lah. Ada deevon, Aeons, kens, flame.. semua..

Sorang. Sorang. Satu, dua, tiga, sepuluh, sebelas, dua puluh tiga, lima pulah lapan, seratus tujuh.. ah, malas nak kira. Tersenyum. Sedikit demi sedikit. Semua. Dari kecil. Sampai ke menengah rendah, spam inc, atas, 7-e, 508, universiti, semua. Tak ada seorang pun. Tertinggal.

Termasuk, yang dah tak ada.

Baru aku sedar, ni.. Mimpi. Terurai mutiara kaca dari mata. Tatkala mereka semua melambai, memanggil masuk dalam susunan untuk bergambar. Mimik mulut, pergerakkan, "Cepat lahhhh! Kami dah reserve seat kat sini!"

Semua, dalam bentuk yang aku paling ingat. Haha..ha.. Seorang, demi seorang, sambil cahaya flash berkelipan, hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Makin laju air mata mengalir. Mulut aku, ternganga. air mata mengalir, ke mulut. Ah, hodoh rupa aku, agaknya.

"Jangan la macam ni, you look ugly" Sambil ada tangan letak atas bahu. Aku tak tertoleh. Teresak-esak aku. Makin laju ada lah.

Dua dua tangan dari dua dua bahu, mula dilunjurkan ke dada yang menahan sebak.

"Sabarlah, memang dugaan. I know that, you're strong kan?"

Berusaha aku, membukak mata. Buka buka, curtain meliuk liuk atas kepala, mata aku masih berair. Mendung cuaca pagi tak membantu, aku membeku di situ.

Menyesal, minta sedar awal dari mimpi tu.