I'm So Tired, I Can't Sleep. I'm A Liar, And A Thief.

I guess I really into monochrome colours right now. A 'friend' of mine noticed this a lot, or maybe, I just happens to dress up like that in front of him. I mean, I did have a new red shirt, an olive Airplane Systm t-shirt, both bought from Dolls Store, a green checkered shirt, I mean, those are something, right? I'm not the kind of guy yang always up-to-date with fashions. I don't buy shirt/t-shirt every month. Heck, I usually buy A T-SHIRT every 6 months. Nice, right? So I think I did one hella good job there.

But this fella here, suddenly he said something like,

"No offense but, I found it hard to unnoticed myself that you always wore black or grey nowadays. It's a bit booohring, 'noe what I mean?"

=_=X

It pissed me, yeah it did. When I bought a red t-shirt, my mom will bug me with

"Merah lagi, Aizat bukan banyak baju merah dah ka?"

Yes, mama. Red Jerseyssss. Manchester United jersey, duhhh. Of course it will be red. Okay so this dude, with his hati kering punya ayat, saying like that, I was literally stabbed. I mean wtf. Okay maybe I did wore a couple of times, a black shirt, a black t-shirt, grey jeans, when I sees him, but maybe I did not wear other colours. That makes me kinda wondering, is my wardrobe contains no variety? I tried, to be varies but well, I just don't like buying clothes! I hate shopping. I mean, woman's definition of shopping. Okay maybe some guy's punya pun. Those yang claimed their metrosexual, and they are always up to date. I mean, oh come on. Shopping means, something you will use, for something goood! Example, food. Uh not really a good example. Okay, maybe computer stuffs. Laptops. CARS. Well yeah it's kinda expensive but.. ._.

I wore this black shirt today because I have this AGM meeting. Actually I'm not involved at all, I just came for the lul. I heard my fellow juniors is going to bash the MTs and all, so I came just for the sake of trolling. It's fun y'know. Trolling.

Well it did not really goes the way I imagined it will be. Thank god. If not, surely there will be cold war between 3rd year students and 2nd year hahah. Those hot questions they suppose to fire at the MTs are derivatively not hot enough. I mean, it lacks spice. Surely you have the chillis, but certainly, it ain't hot enough. I was expecting mooooaaarrr trolling from you guys demmit. Because I want to take part toooooo. Hnnghh. So questions after questions being thrown at the MTs, and with the President blabing whatever he craps, I gave up halfway. And my halfway is not like half, way. It's halfway. I mean, I did hold back, A LOT. Because well y'see, I don't want to stand out the most. Mencapub pulak orang panggil. But I reallllllyyyy want to bash those MTs, but I can't. So I did my, halfway best.

And yang tak best nya, I'm the one yang kena bully balik. WTF DD! I certainly did not throw that question to you, but you just happens to answer it, but why with,

"Terima kasih adik yang menanyakan soalan tadi.." T___T

I was on the verge of OTL - ing T_T

Oh well. Yeah I like to bully people around. Bullying is awesome. Not that hard, is just a friendly bullying I guess. I hope I didn't passed the limit. I bullied people because it's fun. And I quote @burnst3in ,

"aku mmg suke membahan org. membahan org adelah salah satu cara utk menghilangkan stress"

I couldn't agree less.

So my sincere apology to all my fellow people yang think I bullied them, especially you, mE. No offense, really. I just did that for the lol, and to relieved my stress, and depression. Such a great tool you are. I mean, slave. I mean, oh wai--

Today I bring my Ikea pillow. Wee. Fun fact, I never really sleep on this pillow. I mean I rarely sleep, of course LOL. But I'm not using it as my pillow. Because it was soooo fluffy and airy, and bubbly, and all of those cute words you can put it there, I don't really think I can sleep on it. So I misused it as my bantal peluk. HAHA. Don't worry, it's my moolah, so I have all the rights to do so.

I hope tonight is going to be just, calmly okay. Calmly, yeah I guess. Gosh sometimes I miss the noises. Really.

Blogging in handphone, sucks. I hope this is the last one.

catharsis.

I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Pain, pain
Pain, you know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right

I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let's talk about someone else
The stinging soon begins to melt

Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew to come like this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Pain, pain
Pain, pain
Pain,

You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
You know you're right
Paaaaaainnnnn.

fiber optic (illusion)

finally I have someone to look upon after a long tiring search.

it's not an easy journey, yes, I was very close to giving up.

I.. am motivated again. At least until this final semester.

I'll try my best. Hoping to get the best out of my life.

medulla oblongata

dah lah.
in the end, aku jugak yang salah. aku sentiasa the guilty half of the fault.
and I will always be. It's just the way I'm recognized with.

Autopilot/Sappy

"Balik dulu eh Mama?"

"Jaga sikit tidoq tu. Makin teruk tengok raut muka tu. Ubat tu, guna nya untuk makan."

"...."

"Hangpa la yang kena hantaq Mama pi kuboq, bukan Mama yang nak kena hantaq hangpa dulu. Jadi take care of your health."

"..Baik, Mama"

"Live to the fact, feeling regret, guilty,

Words won't comfort you.

Even Pendaflour didn't light me the way,

Seems like I don't really have much choice."

So I was sitting in this, room.

It's a beige wall, with a rectangular window at my right side.

Was sitting on a chair, with head on the table, facing the window

Looking outside.

Looking at the blue sky, white cloud, grey buildings of a city.

I raised my head suddenly,

and saw that person looking at me

smiling.

almost feels like, she's waiting for me to wake up

to see her,

looking at me

I realized, she was there for a long time

staring at me.

As I gazed into her eyes,

Almost against my will,

I started to flash back print-screen like memories

it was a lot,

it was painfully pain,

it was delightful,

it was memorable,

it was gay,

but it was sad

all at the same time

The flashes continue, without my willingness,

Deliberately between those .5 sec flashes, I see her face again,

Again, another flash

Again, her smile

Again, another agony,

Again, her warmness.

and again, and again.

Continues, as if you watches all your live since day 500, till day 1000

in a matter of minutes.

Every moment, picture-like taken,

Every moment, without fail.

And again, and again, and again.

Until one moment, your soul finally, and suddenly pulled back into your body,

the body, felt a sudden shock

rocked the body, like a thunderbolt.

your eyes open widely,

searching for a clue

searching for something,

that explains, everything

only to find nothing,

and you, there, alone.

painfully, heavily breathing,

all sweating, hands shaking

fear, guilt, all come over

you.. feel horrible.

slowly walked through the darkness,

dragged feet down the stairs,

and upstairs,

throwing your glance outside the window,

only to feel jealous of everyone,

of, nothing.

and to recall what really happened,

only to feel horrible, sad,

and,

pain.

-autopilot/sappy-

Saiful Aizat

Saiful Aizat;

Pedang Kekuatan

Saya sebenarnya sangat berbangga dengan nama ini. Dan menjadi tuan punya, rasa sangat hebat.

Not anymore. I don't think I really represent the true meaning of this name. x)

naive, sick chasm

ho yeah, after a berry very long time of no sleep, guess what? I slept!

Finally. hohoho!

well anyway.

how do I sleep? after some frustrating days and uneventful but remarkably alone days, I finally decide to make appointment with my dear Lunesta. This is a decision that I took a berry very long time to make, considering allll options available,

sadly, I have none.

and sadly, yes, I'm halfway giving up this sad life. sad.

kidding. HAHAHA

so I fell asleep. I mean, I felt, asleep. no, I fell, as in jatuh, asleep. gah whatever.

and I woke up at this one beautiful but old building.

the landscape, the bricks, it is very nostalgic, somehow I get that kind of feeling.

and I turn around, I saw a guy, standing, looking at me.

so I nodded my head as in asking permission to continue my adventure,

and he says, of course, that's why you're here.

I was fucking pleased! hahaha.

I end up somewhere like a hall, an open place, in the middle of the building.

there's some Bali trees and all.

and I saw a photograph frame

I grabbed it, and I looked at it,

and, REMEMBERED.

idk if I slipped, or it was just on purpose,

but the frame fell and crack, I felt terrible.

took it and place it inside my jacket,

as that man approach me, I, kinda getting away from him, and I grabbed a flower

and dropped it

"Sir, is this it?"

"Yeah, the flower. Take it. That's all I can find here."

*looks puzzled*"Uh, okay."

"Oh, and that basket over there, contains some letter, you might want to check it out."

"kay, that's more like it"

"What's more like it?"

"Er, nothing sir"

So I sat there a bit, there's this couple wedding.

The groom is apparently that bodyguard looking man,

Well lets call him Mr A, yang took the flower tadi kan?

And the bride was gorgeous.

wearing the white dress, I saw them running

So I gave them a chase, and catching up them is not just me,

some bad guy looking people are on my back

no wonder their running lol

STOP!

"Give me someone who will stop when he's been chasing by gangsters!"

I lol a bit srysly.

So the couple end up at the end of the tunnel, dead end.

And I just notice I have some friends besides me, LOL

And as this will turn into an epic fight between the groom's side,

vs apparently the bride side,

I shouted,

"Now, the groom shall kiss the bride"

and all of us stood still, stopped moving, watched the couple

and they kissed.

and then, run. LOLOLOL

and the gangsters continue chasing.

I glanced outside, I saw someone, in white dress, opened up her arms,

with her silky hair blown by the wind,

"Dah lah tu.."

"Ha?"

I stopped running. I sat down. Alone.

It's getting late, it's getting dark here.

And I turn my head uphill, saw a mansion, a huge one,

Climb the hill, nearing the main gate, me and my friends was shocked by the big yapping of dogs

hungrily, looking at us, and started to bark.

so we kinda detour a bit, and using a building staircase to get inside,

when, funnily, at the midway of the staircase, the couple is just beside a door,

that will be the end of the chase,

and the gangsters are all around them,

so again, I shouted.

"I would like to make a toast, for this remarkable wedding",

grabbing a glass of wine out of nowhere,

and going through the gangsters,

finally we, are the only wall, between us, the couple.

and everyone looking at me

including the couple

and everyone waited for my action

and I grinned.

"Well, looks like this is it eh kid?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever"

"Dieeeeee!" As one of the gangsters jumped toward me, suddenly,

I felt a force pulling me out of the fight, as I prepare to punch him straight at the face HAHA

and, well, I was outside the fight!

and they started to rumble, rumble

wooow, bahaya ni kalau tertolak aku, jatuh tangga ni.

and then, a big guy exclaimed,

"Aim abang Aizat dulu!"

Huh?

"Became a coward he has!"

WTF!!!!???

"He's not what he once was before!"

I trampled someone when I tried to reach that guy, who is, at least 5 cm taller than me swt

And I punched him, to his surprise, not me hahaha.

and his, stunned!

"aku lari dari gaduh doesn't mean aku takut, aku pilih untuk tak"

I exclaimed that, while catching his punch, and counter it back,

a punch that is surely will be remembered. because it took out him, and most of his blood.

and continue my rage on him,

punching, kicking, with all his punch toward me, all the pain, I don't really feel,

and the last punch, rolled him downstairs,

I grabbed his neck,

"You forced me to do this!"

"You have to be forced!!"

I punched him, and he rolls, and sampai at the end of the stair.

"Aku dah cakap, jangan,"

"Saya tau,"

"Hish. Sudahlah. takyah lah gaduh2. ingat orang yang sayang kau. suka pulak diorang tengok bruises kau ni?"

"Baru manly bang"

"Karut! Kau bagi diorang susah hati lagi adalah. "

"Betul tu, tau pun awak."

"huh?"

as I turned around, searching for the voice, I couldn't find one.

and I looked at that boy, I can't find anyone.

and, it's raining again.

And, I started to feel the pain, that is replacing the adrenalin.

and, she sat next to me, smiling

I just looked at her, crying.

"Where were you"

"Always with you"

wipe my tears, looked at her again,

and I saw nothing, no one.

and I look forward, there's nothing, but this heavily poured rain.

..mana..?

I give up. I just, lie down, and feels terrible, as this rain continue pouring on me

and I woke up.

and I write this post.

and I laughed at myself.

how stupid this post really are.

--chrome.
Never been to a place like here,

Never seen it anywhere,

Very eager,

I wonder,

Well anyway,

I guess I wasn't needed here.

Since its new it has no tangles,

Isolations have no flower,

Very near I scower,

But anyway,

I guess I wasn't needed here.

chiao.

late dawn.

...langsir menari-nari atas muka. terasa cahaya di atas mata, serentak bunyi burung-burung bersahutan. dingin pagi ini semacam, sejuk, dan perit. aku terpana lama. melihat kipas bergerak perlahan-lahan, berpusing bagaikan tiada penamat.

langsir terus menari-nari di atas muka aku. terasa hangat pula di tepi batang hidung. terasa lembab sahaja.

meriah betul burung-burung belakang rumah ni. aku masih lagi begitu,

beku di situ,

cuma aku belum lagi sejuk kaku,

dan tersenyum, di sebalik air mata yang terjatuh

ah, mimpi lagi. kenapa semua benda bagaikan benar? realiti? fantasi? mimpi? virtual? mana satu? kenapa sampai sekarang aku boleh rasa, kehangatan? kenapa, sampai sekarang, aku rasa bagai, semua itu benar?

Ya Allah.

kenapa bila waktu-waktu begini sahaja datang benda-benda macam ni? untuk menggelirukan aku lagi? untuk menambah derita, untuk menguji aku? waima, sebagai perangsang semangat? ahhh aku tak tau.

aku dah tak tau, aku memang dah tak tau. tabahkan lah hati.

sekarang, apa lagi aku boleh buat.? aku mengalah, aku tak cukup kuat. aku, give way.

lagi.

tapi at least, aku tak lah sedih berbanding realiti. nak berlari ke mimpi.

ah, berdiri lah. di bumi yang nyata. sedarlah, dah terlambat.

"morning sunshine!" tiap pagi. dan "aku kuat," setiap ketika.

entri pagi yang tah hape hape.