23 March, 2010

things that have always been in my mind

okay okay, yesterday was stupid. I mean, I got a math test today at 2, but what I've done? A bunch of crap that I actually posted.

Well that's what happens if you cannot sleep, and otak dah tepu/takleh masuk dan melekat those equations, every single exercise I've done is like a new thing that time, so take that. Dah tepu, so I end up crapping.

Because it's actually based on true story, bet most of you guys figured it out already.

A bit twist and turn, there you got it. And why Irfan? Hahaha.

Really. I wanted to drive, okay maybe if u guys fraid of my driving, then I wanted to go basically, anywhere, in a car, with friends. That was like, my dream since I was 10? But till this date I never actually think I'll able to achieve that. I hope I will, somehow, even if I'm alone. I just, wanted to do that.

Well I'm surprised at how fast this sem is going to end. Next week study week. Study study.

After final? Work. I want to earn moneysss$$. Obviously for the trip, and some stuff. Sigh. See, belum study week pun dah berangan sakan.

I need a semester break. To run, escape, ctrl+alt+del. A holiday. Enjoy sea water. Enjoy the stargazing. Enjoy running in the rain. Enjoying everything, enjoying the messed up things, in fact I don't mind if I lost, I want to lost.

I'm missing stars.

21 March, 2010

crap: Ghost Story

Nak dengar cerita hantu?

******

Hujan turun makin lebat. Selebat-lebat hujan. Kelibat gelap di daun pintu yang dibelakangi lampu masih di situ, mengharapkan hujan reda. Kenapa tiba-tiba sahaja hujan turun? Masakan, tiada angin tiada guruh, tanpa di duga, air yang mencurah-curah, kilat sabung-menyabung pula!

"Ish, kenapa hujan malam, tadi siang, waktu panas gile taknak hujan pulak," getus hati Irfan. Menyesal, ingatkan malam dapat membantu keadaannya yang sudah teruk itu.

"Dengan air-cond yang dh out, mmg terbaik ahh."

"Mummy, daddy, Irfan pergi dulu yah?"
"Tunggu lah hujan reda dulu.." Tegur si ayah
"Entah nya, tak sabar-sabar balik, ada apa lah dekat kolej tu?" Sambut si ibu

"Irfan ingat nak tengok bola je, tengok-tengok Liverpool kalah pulak. Nasib tengok dekat rumah, kalau tak nanti sure kena bahan kat kolej, mummy.. Lagipun kolej Irfan tutup pukul 12.. Mummy and Daddy faham la, kay?" Terang Irfan, panjang lebar. Memanglah, siapa yang tidak suka duduk di rumah? Lengkap, pelbagai. Makanan, minuman disediakan. Baju, pinggan, di basuhkan. Katil dikemaskan.

"Yelah, berdegil jugak budak ni. Hati-hati lah, jangan bawak laju-laju.." Si ibu mengalah. Tak guna berdebat dengan anaknya itu, fikirnya lagi.

******

Banyak orang tertanya-tanya, kenapa Mini Cooper? Sudah maklum, bahawa kereta itu antara kereta yang susah hendak di jaga, lagi-lagi oleh seorang mahasiswa. Tetapi sudah minat, hendak boleh buat apa. Biarlah apa orang kata. Yang penting, kepuasan ketika membawa kereta itu. Walaupun banyak meragam, tetapi dah sayang.

Kereta Mini Cooper berwarnakan "British-Blue" itu meluru laju, meredah lopak air. Sudah melepasi tol, kini berada di atas highway. Hujan, nampak makin lebat ada-lah. Nampak gayanya kena tutup jugak lah tingkap ni, kalau tak nanti masalah apa pula yang timbul.

Air-cond yang sudah rosak itu dihidupkan.

Highway Guthrie Rawang-Shah Alam itu berkabus, akibat hujan yang tak reda-reda. Irfan tahu bahaya lebuhraya ini. Dia pernah dengar cerita Uncle Zaki yang begitu hebat memandu kereta pernah terpusing di lebuhraya ini, masakan dia! Tetapi semakin lebat hujan, semakin berkabut lebuhraya itu..

Air-cond tersebut hanya mengeluarkan angin sahaja. Apa lagi yang mampu diharapkan oleh air-cond yang sudah rosak?

"Eh, apasal pulak cermin ni berkabus?" Irfan perasan sesuatu. Nasib lah, cermin hadapan keretanya itu mula diselubungi dengan kabus, walaupun cuma di bahagian tepi, namun dia bimbang, bagaimana kalau merebak sampai menghalang pemandangan pemandu? Tetapi digagahkan juga, pedal minyak ditekan semakin kuat.

Entah dari mana, bekas tapak tangan mula nampak di cermin hadapan kereta itu.

"Alamak, bala apa pula ni.."

Sudah 15 minit tapak tangan itu berada disitu. Kadang-kadang kosenterasi Irfan terganggu dek tapak tangan itu. Dari mana datang? Kenapa tiba-tiba ada? Kenapa sekarang? Dan pelbagai persoalan bermain di kepalanya.

Di tolehnya kepala ke sebelah kiri, Masya-Allah!

Cermin tingkap kiri dipenuhi dengan tapak tangan! Ah sudah, jangan harap aku nak tengok belakang. Irfan mula memikirkan ayat-ayat lazim sebagai pendinding. Kenapa takde kereta ni? Aku seorang je ke yang tengok bola dekat rumah, baru ke kolej? Kalau ya pun, mana orang lain? Dan, dan,

Dan dia mula tertanya-tanya kenapa lama sangat nak sampai ke plaza tol?

Dia terlihat bayang putih dihadapan keretanya, dalam kira-kira 100meter. Masya-

******

"Adik, adik okay?"
"Huh?"
"Kepala adik boleh pusing kiri kanan?"
"Em.." Irfan menyahut sambil menoleh ke kiri dan ke kanan.
"Tangan adik boleh angkat? Kaki boleh gerak?"
"Ya.."
"Akak, kenapa? Mana kereta saya?"
"Kereta adik? Kereta yang terhumban masuk gaung tu? Betul ke?"
"Ha?"
"Tapi adik terbaring dekat luar?"
"Yeke? Saya ingat saya pakai tali pinggang keledar,"
"Kereta adik memang tak nampak rupa kereta la adik.. Remuk, kiri, kanan, depan, belakang,"Sambung lelaki yang disebelah kakak itu.

"Tapi tulah, tali pinggang tu still intact."

Irfan tergamam. Apa yang sebenarnya yang terjadi?

*******

What the hell am I doing now? OTL

19 March, 2010

crap: how stupid I was

fooled maybe the right word. well after such a long time, I finally remember what I wanted to know since my highschool years.

Well to cut the long story short, lets just say that;

  • As I suspected, a Qarin really knows (everything) about yourself.
  • As I suspected, a Qarin knows what you wanted, what is your secret.
  • And a Qarin is your personal wicked twins.
  • A Qarin can comes to your dream in the form of your loved one.

    That's what I've suspected earlier; point 1 + point 2 + point 3 + point 4 + your foolishness = fooled? and to think that I've suspected this since long time ago, but still fell for it,

    how stupid I was.
  • counting days and swings.

    I checked, the stencils, were not good anymore,
    Touch the sky, swinging; the soils were darker than I thought,
    If I could take your hands and I will kiss you right away,
    Before I'm gone

    Sit next to me; we don't need to do anything

    Flawless, perfection, scarce our beautiful existence,
    Don't let it drag you to something that you're not,
    Remember, when we're still together,
    I've always loved you, I still do

    I've been trying hard keeping these tears from falling down, down on my face, writing this saddest song for you
    I stayed in my room, packing things, but then I unload them
    Wishing that I could stay for just a little while

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah
    Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings

    "Ku duduk sa-orang, di dalam tangisan
    Kau jangan lupakan aku, ingat kenangan terindah "

    Dear, I'm writing this letter to you
    Counting days and swings, I love you.

    11 March, 2010

    The Agony

    Now it really looks like the world is against me. When things are going calmer, this kind of reality slap really hits you hard.

    Today starts well, getting worst by every hour.

    Presentation = Failure.

    And my watch stolen. Sigh. Well I don't really care about the 3k price tag of the watch, but it's my father momento. I opened my watch to take wudhu' for prayer obviously. Then somehow I forget to wear it back, and just went to the prayer room. Just before solat I remembered about my watch and then I rushed to the washroom and noticed that it's gone. Stupid, right? How careless I was, and that stupidity really costs me. How, now? I mean, Before this, I can't even look at him, after this? I felt terrible. This sucks.

    Quiz = I can't even focus. I think I screwed.

    And then otw to my dear Kancil, I almost got hit by a car. Urgh. What's happening to me? This is not right. I've lost my confident, my focus. I don't know what more I can do to make me feel better.

    And I sobbed inside my Kancil while driving. Instead of parking at KSJ, I continued my driving. I wonder what the other drivers thought when they see me. I went towards Puncak Setiawangsa, and stopped there. mE is definitely trying to help me, her msgs are full of advice, and words of reality, but I'm the one who can help myself now. Eventhough it's raining, I parked my car, went outside and just, lie down. Pretty lucky the rain is not heavy, because the PSP is inside my pocket, my handphone inside my pocket. And just gazing at the sky, it's dark, cloudy, but there's ray of sunlight. And rain continues to pour down at me, agonizingly, dragging along with my tears.

    An hour later I opened up my wet shirt, and slept. Woke up at 10pm, and with lots of work yet to be done, with test tomorrow, and quiz. And with an empty stomach.





    Thanks to all my friends, who always help me when I'm in need. Rahilah, Suraya, Tya, Amal, Bob, Jieba, Aqeela. All of you guys helped me, a lot.


    but I guess I'll be better if I continue this on my own. Not that I don't appreciate you guys punya effort, maybe I just don't want to rely on others. It's not a good thing. It's addicting.

    Maybe I'm better off alone. (:

    08 March, 2010

    que serra, serra

    It's raining cat and dog. And right now I'm all alone. Just got back from campus. Met Papa earlier this morning. He got a meeting at Wangsa Walk Mall. So he drop by to see me. Afterwards I salam him, and hugged him, this time it's a long hug. I felt like crying but, in front of pak guard? With the car engine both of our cars running, and I bet he's late, so I just hold back. And I drive my car, he follows me from behind. At the traffic light he drove past me, and looking at me, through his tinted window, I can almost say that I know what was he's thinking, I wanted to cry, but I hold on, it's dangerous to drive with emotions running high.

    Back at campus I just, tahan all the way.

    So back here, in front of my laptop. Fell asleep just now. Finally because of exhaustion I think. I slept, and I thought I can run away from everything. Obviously I can't. I dreamt of my past, my past with my dad, and much of the memories that flashes back, I dreamt of her, and little by little it started to fade, I felt so sad, and alone, and I woke up screaming out loud. I screamed a freking 10 seconds scream, and started to cry, as my toilet mate rushing to me.

    I don't answer him. I just cried, and cried. And then, he left. Here, I'm alone again. What is this. Why am I crying? Screaming? Am I going crazy?

    The first day itself is hard. I thought I can handle it well, but looks like I can't. Now I hate waking up. I don't want to wake up. I hate it when I know this nightmare is not a dream. I hate crying, I hate sobbing, I want to be strong, but I can't. I just want to cry, and to be hugged, to be lied; everything is going to be alright; whatever will be, will be; and this long, keeps ringing through my ear, this que serra serra, make me sobbed and continue to cry.

    Que serra, serra;
    Whatever will be, will be;
    The future's not ours to see;
    Que serra, serra;
    What will be, will be;

    06 March, 2010

    crap: leaning towards darkness

    guess my worst fear have come true. oh how I wish I go back to sleep and woke up, thinking this is just another nightmare to forget. Guess shit does happens.

    And I wonder how life seems unfair, although I know it's wrong to ask "God, why is this happening to me, not others," but still, maybe I'm just a person. Maybe it's been emotional to me, and I know, it's wrong, so I won't do that again.

    I've promised, I'll be strong, so obviously, that post might be the last of its kind. So bye-bye. *Oh dah delete pun xP*

    It's so hard to update this blog, because there's nothing happy to talk about, it's all depressing! haha xD

    And I burst my efing tears. I cried so hard, so badly that my buddie Sue called me from AUSTRALIA LOL. So bad of me hahah. Cry baby. But really, pisang tak berbuah dua kali, tapi shit happens, twice?

    "L-san" I FUCKING HATE YOU.

    04 March, 2010

    crap: update

    cut my hair. feh after such a long time, finally.


    and maybe i'll shave my head. nazar. and life is getting sucks. I want a freaking deskie because I wanted to play STAR WARS: FORCE UNLEASHED ULTIMATE SITH EDITION. and because I want to play many moar gameesss. and doing my instructional design lab asaimens. oh doing it in my laptop is just suq.


    I'm need something to cheer me up. Thanks btw mE. and I think I'm getting jealous at all my friends yg tga/ dah enjoy their vacations, Singapore, Langkawi, and Aussie, NZ, Europe etc etc. Hell, Malaysia pun jadilah, as long as I'll enjoy the vacation. Hmph. With friends pun boleh. If no friends then I guess I'll go alone. Sigh, hope my parents let me.


    getting nearer to the final. arh, time for hell of asaimens and project submissions, presentations.



    *such a short update. ~_~*